Are the words we say to a baby before they can even understand them, a good indicator of how the kid is going to turn out?

That’s sad, and probably true, @Dutchess_III. She probably IS ‘speaking into existence’ him being a brat.

Did you think to tell her your opinion? I probably would have.

“Saying it makes it so.”

@ibstubro No I didn’t give her my opinion. I try to stay out of family matters. However, I did ask her mother to not ask her 9 year old daughter (the girl’s sister) to twerk for the family.

I consciously raised my kids with the assumption that they would be good kids and they lived up to my expectations. When I met my current husband, when my youngest was 14, I was really dismayed over his assumptions that the kids were always up to no good. Fortunately they were well established as good kids by the time he came along.

Yes. Mostly. It’s a shame such things were going on. It gives the baby less comfort and closeness than he might like. It can have a side effect of helping him become more independant. Being a new mom is hard. She is young. You feel bad for the baby, why, because it is small and defenseless? She may have grown older over a couple of decades, that doesn’t make her an expert. This business of caring round the clock for someone who persistently calls on them for everything is taxing. She could probably use more help than judgement. In a way, you are calling her a brat, when what she is is tired, new, learning, needing to grow.
Give her some time. Give her some room to make mistakes and grow from them. Allow for her to not give birth and become an instant great mom.
Does she do the good things? She feeds him, cleans him, nibbles at his fingers, doesn’t she? She’ll come around, with some gentle help from the been there’s. :)

@Jonesn4burgers It was simply distressing for me. I felt bad for the baby.

The tone of voice is more important than the words…using derisive, irritated, angry or contemptuous intonations is very bad. In the long run she is doing a huge disservice to her baby. Someone needs to talk to her…if she is tired or running low on patience, she needs more mature coping tools.

While I don’t think it’s a good idea to talk to a child that way, I will offer the story of my nephew. He grew up hearing from his parents nothing but what a good boy and what a darling he was… he turned out to be an annoying brat of a child, and then became a teenager who regularly swore at his parents. He’s now an adult, and not a happy person. And he blames them for everything that has gone wrong with his life.

Of course it was painful to hear, because you are grown enough to have experienced so many things. I can definately feel your pain. Just try to look at it as both are young, tender learning youth, and give her the gentle, loving, encouraging attention you wanted to see her give him.

@glacial Yeah…and there is that. People who believe their kids are the smartest kids in the room and can do no wrong. Ew!

@Jonesn4burgers Her mom was here too. That’s really her place, not mine.

Children are tiny sponges that absorb and adapt to labels. If a child’s constantly told that he’s a brat, he’ll likely become bratty. When parents repeatedly say that their child’s stupid, she’ll underachieve and never know her true potential. Low expectations lead to bad outcomes.

I invite anyone to read about psychologist Robert Rosenthal’s studies of self-fulfilling prophecies and Pygmalion Effect/Golem Effect.

Just awful. I really don’t mind when parents complain that their kids are running them ragged or a pain in the neck, as long as it is obvious to me they love the kids and overall truly love being with their children. However, I don’t think they should vent in front of the kids constantly saying they are awful? Even at that young age I think it is terrible, and her tone, words, and her actions I think definitely communicates to the child a negative message. She might wind up with exactly what will drve her crazy, because her lack of attention to her child might make him more clingy and more dependent in the end, desperate for his mother to demonstrate her affection for him. I see this with some of my friends, they constantly kind of test their parents and they do it with their spouses too, trying to make sure they really love them or something. They tend to be insecure and and angry.

But, it doesn’t have to mean the child will wind up like that, they might be just fine, take the words and their mom’s attitude with a grain of salt and not focus on it much at all. You never know. Each child is different with how they react to a parent.

At my son’s christening party when he was about 4 months old, his grandmother, my ex MIL, was holding him and as a baby he spit up on her a little. Grandmother said, “stupid kid”, upon which I picked him up, and took him away. And later I told her, “if you are ever heard to say something like that to him again, you will never see him again.”

Yes, babies pick up the tone and derision, even if they don’t comprehend the actual word.

A little trivia. The baby talk we use, the way we talk to infants is very similar across most languages. Specifically the tone, using a higher voice, the rhythym of it. Infants respond to this sort of talk and I think we can deduce that almost everyone has an idea of what is being said even if they don’t understand the language. It seems like we are born with it. We also usually know when we are being talked about negatively. Here is an article about how adults talk to infants.

I would have had a hard time not saying something to the baby’s mother, even if something gentle like “awww, he’s not a brat. Come here little one”

I really wanted to say something @jca, but we had a houseful, and it was all Rick’s family. Just…not my place. Although when Rick’s daughter was trying to get her 9 year old to twerk in front of the whole family I said, “No, Gena!” I couldn’t help it. It just came out.

@Dutchess_III I tell my neice and nephew they are perfect and gorgeous and interesting. My husband’s family never says things like that, so I feel entitled as an aunt (by marriage) to gush over them and tell them how wonderful I think they are. They can be entitled brats sometimes, but they also can be so interesting to listen to and they are beautiful and I feel I prefer to give them positive reinforcement for all the good things they do and for just existing and spending time with me.

I go out of my way to praise my nephew, my son’s step son. He has some learning issues and his mom is really hard on him. I don’t feel at all uncomfortable displaying a more positive type of behavior in front of them. But, it’s MY son and I will always be the boss of him!

My husband’s family though….no. Sometimes their behavior just shocks the living crap out of me but I’ve learned to just stay quiet. Just do. The only thing I do is be very aware of my own behavior and try to set an example that way.

Got it.