Is it okay to talk to an ex?

I think honesty is the best policy, but I also tend to be insecure, so I would probably be bothered if someone I was in a relationship with said they were having conversations with their ex.

@jca What would make you feel better about it?

If both parties are married and moral people, would that make a difference to you?

What if you all four (both couples) had dinner or got to be friends, is that too far out?

@KNOWITALL: I think what would worry me is that the person I was with would be engaging in romantic discussions or seeing the ex, unbeknownst to me. I think I would feel better if I knew the ex was in a relationship themselves. It might not make sense, because logically, she (assuming that it’s a she since I would most likely be in a relationship with a male) could be cheating too, but it just might reassure me that she were in a relationship herself, and hopefully not likely to cheat.

I would be willing to have dinner with the person and if they had a spouse/bf, it could be all of us.

Pretty much every single ex my husband has is friends with him on Facebook. He doesn’t talk to them, but I wouldn’t care if he did. Then again, we were only 17 when we got together, so those girlfriends hardly count as anything. I only had one boyfriend before Josh and I haven’t spoken to him since I was 18 and he called to brag that he just got out of jail for breaking into cars (yeah, you’re cool) and tell me how much he regretted cheating on me because I was a “good girl” and he’d missed his shot (yep, sure did). I recently googled his name and found a very recent mugshot – he’s 24 and balding, and he’s put on about 20–30 lbs since I’ve seen him. I seriously doubt Josh would be all that threatened if I had the displeasure of speaking to that ex again. He actually likes to make comments like, “hey, it’s okay if you’re into fat guys” just to get on my nerves. :)

If we were older and had significant past relationships, I don’t see why I’d have a problem with him talking to an ex. If I don’t trust him, that’s a problem that needs to be resolved. I wouldn’t object to going on a double date with an ex of his either. I’m way prettier than they are, anyway.

Keeping it a secret is a much bigger problem than the actual talking to the ex.

If the current partner/spouse doesn’t trust the person enough to let them talk to an ex, there are much bigger issues to resolve. But allowing it open and honest is one of the best ways to make sure it does not become a problem.

I honestly can’t imagine telling my husband who he can and can’t talk to, or him being okay with that or me being okay with that for that matter, and I feel jealousy is a wasted emotion because people will do what they want anyway.

My friend wants to be honest with his wife since nothing untoward is going on but he’s afraid she’ll explode at him or throw a fit.

He and his ex-gf were friends for a long time (at work) before they dated so they kind of want to hang out as couples if possible.

So how would you do it if you were him? What would you say to your spouse?

I know that now, with FB and other social media, it’s very likely that everyone is constantly linked to mostly everyone they know, including their exes and different social circles anyway, so it’s really a moot point. I wouldn’t try to control who someone talked to. That would be an impossible task and not my place. Even if someone is married, they really can’t control who their spouse talks to.

I know people in both camps but I think a lot of it depends upon the insecurity of the non-talking spouse. I mean, you would think after 15 years that they would be a little more secure in their relationship. BUT, I have a bro that better not talk to his ex even after 20+ years if he doesn’t want to deal with the drama and trauma. (He has but keeps it to himself – She is happily married with two kids and has no interest in him except to say hi every few years and, as I understand it, she initiates the call).

@rojo Exactly, he has to keep it to himself to prevent drama, I hate that. I would be horrified if my husband thought that of me, let alone told someone, geesh.

@jca He deleted his fb account but his wife still has hers. Methinks she doth protest too much.

@jca I know I have reconnected with old friends and even relatives through FB and after the initial flurry of messages you find (or I do anyway) that you no longer have much in common and don’t feel the need to get together in person then the contact becomes the occasional “Like” and such.

I don’t care.

Exes are exes for a reason.

@Seek_Kolinahr Well yeah but just because the romance doesn’t work, doesn’t mean the frienship should be scrapped completely right?

Absolutely.

I don’t have any “exes” per se, but my husband does. They are, with one exception, women he was friends with for years before developing a romantic relationship. They tried it, didn’t work out, so back to friendship.

One of them, I consider a good friend now. I look forward to seeing her out and about.

Tried it but gave up. Too many old land mines to navigate.

It depends on the situation. I am facebook friends with my ex, but I never call him, and only on extremely rare occasion do we have a facebook conversation. Maybe it has happened four times in 5 years. I talk to his wife on the facebook news feed commenting on each others status updates more than I converse with him. That obviously is all there out on facebook for anyone to see. I think it would be a little odd to actually talk to my ex often.

If an old girlfriend of my husband’s came out of the word work I would be fine with them catching up, but if he regularly talked to any woman I might get uneasy about it depending on how he handles it. If he was hiding it and I found out I would be suspicious, hurt, and pissed off.

@JLeslie But just on occasion it’s no big deal right? I don’t see why they can’t all be friends and hang out, but maybe I’m being naive.

@KNOWITALL Yeah, if everyone is friends I think it is fine. My husband and I used to stay with my exboyfriend’s cousin and his wife when we went to visit where I grew up, some might feel that is weird. That’s why I think it deoends on the situation, the people, no hard and fast rules.

It does not bother me. Hubby has an ex on his FB.
It doesn’t bother him. I have a couple exes on my FB.

Neither of us have seen any exes in quite awhile, but we do sometimes chat with them.
No biggie.

My wife is quite confident about our relationship, and isn’t threatened by my ex’s.
I have several who are friends on Facebook, and a couple I see a few times a year for lunch or a movie.
She is right to feel confident. There is no threat.

I was very insecure in the past and would have felt tremendously threatened. I works through my self-esteem issues, and I trust my sweetie as I have never trusted anyone before. Part of that trust is because we do tell each other everything, so I believe that if his ex contacted him, he’d mention it to me.

I think it comes down to whether or not the ex respects your current relationship. If so, there’s no issue.

If they’re dismissive of your new partner or disrespectful to them, I think that’s when there’s a problem.

@Funkdaddy He is too scared to even tell his wife & see what happens, that is what bothers me.

I don’t think it’s okay to talk to an ex. in this case – It is okay generally but not like this!