Boyfriend put his arm around another friend. Is that okay?

You should be more understanding. You’re upset that he innocently touched another person. You need to get your insecurities in check or this relationship will never work. You don’t own this guy, and he should be able to put his arm around a friend without you freaking out.

Let it go and get it together. There are things in life way more important than this high school drama.

You are overreacting, almost to the point of being nuts.

You are not the boyfriend’s owner. You do not control his mind or his emotions. You have no right to tell him what to do. You have no right to tell him to hug (or not hug) anyone else.

Either you need to get over this, and remember that the boyfriend is an independent human being, or you are setting yourself up for decades of disappointment and lots of therapy.

Chill out.

Given that you have mercurial mood swings, perhpas you should wear a sign indicating when it’s OK for your bf to give an acquaintance a squeeze around the shoulders and when it is not.

That way he can plan his day predicated on your present state of insecurity, depression and irrationality. And you don’t have to worry about dealing with your issues at all.

Welcome to Fluther.

Mostly, what @gailcalled and @elbanditoroso and @livelaughlove21 said.

Boys and girls should be able to do the same things to and among and with each other and have it “not mean anything” (or to mean precisely “something”, and everyone knows and agrees on what the “something” would be), but we seem not to live in the place where that is so, at least not yet. So for your boyfriend to put his arm around someone and have it “not mean anything” might very well mean something, only not anything romantic or sexual. In one sense, when he puts his arm around someone it’s a very subtle way of showing dominance in the relationship. That is, he’s showing dominance over you and over your other friend, too. That’s one reason why a lot of people will shake off such a gesture, even when it’s made by someone who does it while completely ignorant over the whole dominance/submission aspect.

It’s understandable that you “wouldn’t dream of” doing that with one of his friends, because it would be taken wrong by all parties. You’re not the dominant one. You understand this on an instinctive level, even if you’ve never thought about it before. So his hypothetical friend would misinterpret such a gesture – probably as a romantic overture on your part, whatever you intended it to be – and your boyfriend probably the same way. He might additionally interpret it as your way of attempting to show dominance in the relationship between the two of you, as well. Friction would ensue.

So there are very real cultural differences between most teenage boys and most teenage girls, and you do live in that world.

But you have your own issues, too, as the others have noted, and you really have to deal with those.

If his actions were to comfort a friend then be more understanding. Otherwise, now that he knows this bothers you he should refrain from doing so in the future. Since you’ve said your peace and communicated this already to him then let it go.

Feeling insecure or not, you did the right thing to communicate what bothers you and if he was open to listening to what you need then I say “good for you both”. Being able to share feelings like that is a big part of what mature, committed love is.

Yes, it’s ok.

You’re going to make your relationship really difficult if he has to walk on eggshells all the time wondering if this or that will make you feel insecure. I believe you’re setting your relationship up for failure. This is your problem not his.
It sounds like his personality is more physically demonstrative. If you want him to stop being himself then maybe you don’t like him.
If he continues having to always check himself for fear of offending you I’m afraid you will wake up one day and not recognize the person you have created.

If you start confronting your boyfriend because he puts his arm around someone in a friendly, non-sexual way, said boyfriend won’t be around for much longer.

I truly hope that you’ll work on your own issues and find happiness.

@SadieMartinPaul is right. My prediction was based on the outside chance that he sticks around long enough to let you turn him into a shadow of his former self.

@gailcalled I have Bipolar, and I have often suggested doing such things for my husband.

^^ Bipolar and a lovely sense of humor!

You already answered your own question right here: “I know he didn’t mean any harm by this. I’m certain that nothing is ‘going on’ between the two of them and I don’t have any reason to feel insecure about it”.

So yes, it’s you that is over-reacting.

Any relationship where one person shows as much irrational jealousy as this, is doomed to fail. And the source of jealousy is not your boyfriend’s actions, it’s your insecurity. You need to work on your own sense of self-worth and self-esteem in order to resolve this. If you’re unable to do so on your own, you should seek professional advice. Depression is a very real medical condition (I know, I lived with it for decades) and untreated, it can be very serious indeed.

I also agree with @Judi that if he’s the sort of guy who likes innocent physical contact with other people, then he’s not the right sort of guy to be your boyfriend.

When a relationship evolves into a loving feeling around that special someone, onw would like to think that only you would benefit from this display of ‘special” feelings. ( when both have stated their special feelings that make each feel “like the one meant for the other”).
So it is hard for a person feeling like this to realize that your partner is ‘touching” another in the same way, right?
I had an ex who touched every woman freely until I told him state out to leave!
He was the insecure one trying to get me jealous! I have no patience for game playing as this man had done to MANY woman in his past.
I prefer mature , secure in themselves men. At least they know enough to take their partners feelings into consideration, especiall IF they in fact “love” them”. If not then it is evident by their actions, that do not take the relationship seriously enough to warent jepordizing it in the first place.I would never be so cruel to my partner.

@Inspired_2write so your S/O isn’t allowed to put their arm around a friend if they need some comforting? When someone enters a relationship they shouldn’t touch anyone else in ANY way? How is putting an arm around someone the same as what two people in a monogamous romantic relationship share?

@anniereborn
Sorry, no I did not mean it in that context.
I was referring to my Ex who had a bad habit of feeling everyone up and down.

Just consider it as a friendly gesture! I don’t think this has to be taken seriously. If things are going well in your relationship there should be no issue with him behaving freely with others. After all he was not kissing anyone!. Just think that your boyfriend only has friendship on his mind when he’s doing it. Trust is the basis of all relationships.