How do I help my boyfriend accept my past?
Okay, about a year ago, I posted a question about my friend, Brian. He was very sarcastic and sort of had a difficult time opening up and letting down his emotional walls that he had put up. I really liked him but kept quiet because I didn’t know how he felt because he’s so difficult to read. Well, we hung out for about 8 months before he asked me on a date, and we started dating in late November. Everything has been really great. He is very sweet and attentive and he treats me so well. Well, recently, we have gotten to a more… physical point in our relationship… We sort of messed around a few times and all went well but I finally opened up to him a few days ago about my last ex and how he treated me.
He was older than me, and he would pressure me to have sex all the time and when I would say no, he would try to force me, and he treated me really badly. He would get drunk with his friends and they would call me names and treat me like garbage. The way he would try to force me into sex has kind of affected me in that I sort of shy away from most physical contact, but I trust Brian and I know he won’t hurt me. I opened up to him about this ex, anyways, though, and ever since, he has acted very strange. He treats me like I’m glass and he seems almost afraid to touch me. I’m just afraid that he won’t want to do anything with me now because he’s afraid of hurting me. Even doing something like putting his arm around me, he seems sort of nervous about it… I don’t know what to do. What do I tell him? And how come he’s been acting so strange?
By the way, I’m 20, and he is 23, if that makes any difference.
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7 Answers
Because he doesn’t know what toi do with that. Tell him what he should do or not do to make you happy.
How do you know he hasn’t already accepted it?
Accepting it being completely different than thinking your past is a really cool thing about you.
I would not make too big a deal of it, or else he will think you have too much baggage and bag out.
I was molested as a child, and I have a problem with feeling objectified. Early in our relationship, my fiancé made a comment that struck me the wrong way and I told him so. After that he became rather passive with the sexual aspect, and he let me take the lead out of respect. We’ve been together over 4 years now.
So my advice to you is to appreciate the fact that he cares enough to give you space and to let you set the tone. As trust and confidence increase between you, he will probably feel more comfortable making some moves to initiate physical contact with you.
You should initiate the intimacy and set the tone/pace/expectations for how you want to be treated sexually. This will help him be more comfortable as you’ll let him know your boundaries. He is probably concerned/anxious about making you feel uncomfortable. Lead the “dance,” at least for a little while.
If it becomes a real impediment; you might consider a joint session or two with a counselor. I imagine there are some deep issues that this might raise.
You did drop quite a bombshell on him. He may need time to process and work through it. Try being honest about all of your feelings and encourage him to talk to you about his. If he is hesitant to touch you, then screw up your courage and initiate the intimacy (touching, kissing, etc.). Sometimes actions speak louder than words.
I am not sure just how detailed you were in telling him how your ex treated you and all he done, but he might have thought it was more to do with your present state of mind. Simply letting him know he did things more to your liking than the ex without much detail would have been better, but that ship has sailed. You can tell him that he is not like the ex and that you look forward to his attention and touch and that might defuse some of what you lit.
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