How do "you" deal with a passive/aggressive person?

I avoid them… in fact I tend to avoid everyone in real life, except my mom.

I try to avoid them. If I must deal with them I do my best to be true to myself and do what I want, and not be influenced by them. If you can’t be direct and say what you mean than SOL. However, I also tend to let them be right whenever it really doesn’t matter. I avoid power struggles with them as much as I can it isn’t easy fir me sometimes.

@JLeslie That is the situation I am in. I do not want to “avoid” them as that IMO gives them a power over me I am not ready to yield….plus avoiding them for me is not an option.

@Cruiser I can’t know your exact situation. For me the dynamic changed significantly when I stopped caring about them so much. It sounds awful. Passive aggressive people used to hurt my feelings and then eventually it led to me being angry. I also felt like I was always trying to guess what would make them happy. When I fnally became apathetic things really changed. It was like they knew they had lost power. I had not said anything specific, it was like something in my behavior cued them in that I just don’t care as much anymore. I have no idea if that applies to what you are going through.

@JLeslie For me it is primarily business related. A person I once trusted and gave 16 years of my life to is now attempting to exert his once trusted sage counsel that has surprised me by the abruptness and contradiction and departure from the previously professed support I once relied upon.

Sometimes like this
.......lol

Really the only way os to confront them. It’s a matter of telling them they need to speak up if they disagree with what you are doing. And if they don’t disagree, they need to cooperate or support you, or else they will not be involved.

“Do me a favor. Do us both a favor. I’ve known you long enough to detect a bit of tension in your attitude towards me (or my decisions). Let’s go out later this week and clear the air. I want to hear what’s on your mind after you’ve had some time to gather and form your thoughts. Don’t want to talk now. How about Thurs early lunch, before the crowd?”

I tell them I humped their wife :D

It depends on how close the person is to me. It often turns into a bit of a chess match. I’m not very good at chess, but I’m damn good at beating someone at this game. I had a workmate once who stole my keys, messed around with information and wrote complaints about me to our boss. I got permission from HR to check her computer (it is the employers computer for her to use at work) and I found a file of documents that were password protected. Because I’m sort of smart like that, I broke the codes and opened the documents. It was a bit incriminating. She also had a locked drawer in her office. I got permission to open this, too and did so. My keys were in there. She got a warning and eventually got pushed out. I got a higher paying job in the private sector.
I’m good at finding weak points and exploiting them. If it comes to a point of real threatening behaviour, I defend myself.

@Cruiser That is tough. Actually, it is very disapponting I would think. Is it possible he is going through some sort of dfficuties in his personal life and he is just more on edge in general? Maybe that is causing some hostility? Still, the broken trust is hard to deal with. I guess you can’t rely on him any more, unless you want to attempt to talk to him and ask how he is or if you have done something that bothered him. Only you know if you think it is appropriate or not to have that sort of conversation with him to possibly try to clear the air. I think it is difficult to do with a business colleague, and passive aggressive tend to reject talking about anything.

Emotional detachment.

I try to avoid them and also prepare myself so that I am not in a situation where I may need anything from them ever, if possible.

Once I am sure I have correctly identified them I either dump ‘em like a hot potato or ignore their behaviors if I must deal with them. Best strategy, do not engage, do not become defensive, do not give them any satisfaction, at all, to reward their effed up “communication” issues. Position yourself to have as little contact with them at all.
I despise PA types, they are so transparent yet think they are above it all.

@Coloma I never thought about that characteristic. It’s true, many of them seem to feel they are above it all.

@Coloma I wish I could give you 5 ga’s!

@JLeslie
@Cruiser

Ugh….the worst of personality traits, the absolute worst and only throguh my vast encounters and subsequent studies have I gleaned some small measure of wisdom. Thing is these types are SLICK, a lifetime of practice makes for the perfect PA. lol

@Coloma One thing that bothers me about some people who are PA is when they boast about being calm and not yelling. Parts of their personality is reinforced in our culture. Not that I think yelling is good, I am just saying that the silence is just as abusive as a hot temper in my opinion.

@JLeslie Absolutely, my ex husband was the king of PA behaviors, it took me years to discover the methodology of these types. Seriously, I have said this before, if ever I could murder someone it would be a hardcore PA types. They would see me coming, no backstabbing for me. See this knife, it is about to penetrate your heart. lol

I also dumped a manipulative PA “friend” a few years ago, took me a few years to catch on to her games but once I become aware it’s over. That behavior is so ingrained it will never change, don’t waste your time, just get the hell outta Dodge. haha

I actually ended up confronting my passive-aggressive line manager last year. After working with her and her passive-aggressive bullying for three months I gently, calmly talked to her about it… She flipped and managed to get me fired in the end after a messy complaints procedure on both of our parts. I still maintain however, that calm, humble confrontation is the best policy. I’m outta there, so I guess I just feel sorry for whoever comes across her path next.

Having just said that though, I’m currently trying to deal with another p-a person and I reckon I’m going to try the avoidance method this week and if that’s not possible the smile and wave method next week… just to see if that helps? I’ll let you know if you like xx

@nebule Yes, the flipping is huge. haha
I too attempted a rational ” adult” discussion with my ex friend, it is not possible to have a rational discussion with an irrational person.

Well the avoidance method didn’t work because my tutor made me work with her all day. I then tried the smile and wave method but she called me a name. Yes, like actually, called me a derogatory name and then laughed. I nearly confronted her about it but was so shocked that a 37 year old would do such a thing I was dumbfounded and wounded. It’s eaten away at me all day. I feel bullied, again. I also feel like I should confront her about it… but we all know where that gets us :-(

@nebule Watch truly stellar speech in this video to be inspired by a young man who beautifully articulates what it is like to be bullied and rise above it all.

Thank you @Cruiser xx Might need to watch that several times xxx

I’ve emailed the woman, confronting her, I suspect it will end in tears but I’m quite proud of myself – I won’t be called names at the age of 33 and let people get away with it

I was married to a passive-aggressive man… after 12 years of his antics, I almost put my own self 6 feet under. The best moment for me was the moment I realized it was a form of covert abuse and can be as equally harmful as physical abuse. With physical abuse, you have some visual and tactile evidence—with covert abuse, there’s none and it can be more destructive because it takes much longer to identify.

How do I deal with passive aggressive people? I remove them from my life and if, for any reason, I have to deal with them, I keep them in the furthest reach possible.