I could really use some words of encouragement (family health issues).

So sorry to hear you are going through this. I can completely relate when you talk about suddenly seeing your father in a weak and vulnerable state. My father – a Vietnam vet who was always very physically fit, strong, and independent – was diagnosed with Parkinson’s about 3 years ago. Every time I see him, he’s more shaky, appears weak, and appears to be aging very quickly.

I’m not sure I have any words of encouragement, but I can tell you how I am (attempting to) handle it. I have decided to put away any differences we’ve had over the years, and I have decided that if there is anything I need to tell him, I’d better do it now. I don’t want to regret not expressing that I love him. My father has also realized that our differences mean sh*t, and has also shifted his priorities to spending time with family.

Something to consider – it’s only been a week. Almost 2 years ago, one of my best friends had a heart attack (40 years old) and had stents put in. She looked awful immediately (and couple of weeks) following. But when I see her today, she looks like her old self.

Everything happens for a reason, I am very sorry, I believe that as time goes by things get better.

I’m so sorry you are struggling to wrap your head around seeing your father like this. When you grow up believing your parents are invincible, the first time you really see they are vulnerable, real people is psychologically a mind-fuck.

I don’t remember ever seeing my mom weak, or cry, when I was growing up. As most parents do, she kept that part of herself private from me. She was my rock. And I went off to college with her still in that role.
I got a phone call at 4am that my mom was in brain surgery for an aneurysm. A normally 6-hour drive took me just over 4, and I cried the whole way. As with your dad, this is not something that most people survive.
When I got to the ICU my mom was much like your dad. She had so many tubes coming out of her, with so many monitors. But the worst was seeing her whole head shaved, with a horseshoe shaped incision, held together by 34 staples, right above her temple. I’m so thankful she was asleep because composure was not easy. It turns out she’s human, and weak, and needs me, too.

That was 10 years ago. It took some fighting and anger from me for over two years to get her to stop smoking, an her diet has always been shitty. I thought she wasn’t going to make it, and I wasn’t sure she wanted to. It was NOT easy. But day by day she pulled herself out of the hole she was in, and she didn’t give up. She has been happier in the past 5 years than she has been my whole life.

So I believe that if your dad has a support system, and it sounds like he does, and you all stand behind him, then as a family you can deal with his new condition and lifestyle. Open communication can help alleviate a little of the stress that builds in all of you. It’s OK to be angry if you don’t see him trying hard enough. It’s OK to tell him you need him to change because you need him to be around. Part if support is being honest, and to realize you can be angry but positive at the same time. There are so many emotions, and they are ALL OK.

You may be surprised that your relationship with your dad becomes more open and closer than before. Don’t hold back on that growth, because none of us make it out alive or choose when we go.

As with all struggles in life, take care of yourself and your relationship with your husband first. All things will stem from that strength.

Sorry for the pain you are going through. 45 IS very young to be experiencing this. My dad died when he was 50 but until then he had been sick my whole life (I was 10.)
Feelings are just feelings, they are neither right nor wrong. Regardless of what happens your feelings will run a gambit. Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to feel all those feelings so when it comes to doing something it won’t come from a place of repressed emotion. That doesn’t mean that you act on those feelings, (at this point, screaming at him to quit smoking and acting on anger if it pops up probably won’t be productive) but don’t beat yourself up for any feeling that you might experience.
I hope that this experience scares him enough to change his lifestyle but if it doesn’t, I hope you find peace somewhere in the process. ((HUGS))).

It is definitely a learned skill to express anger honestly and in a positive way. It is also OK to acknowledge you are uncomfortable as you feel out these new roles and relationships. Your dad is uncomfortable, too.

The Stages of Grief happen to all of us in situations like yours. This article is as it refers to death, but we go through these stages with illness, disfigurement, loss of relationships, etc.

@livelaughlove21 His body has suffered a huge insult, he’s going to look like hell for a while, but he’s still with you. Modern medicine is amazing. My grandfather had a heart attack in the late 1960’s and his care consisted of a bed and a Dr monitoring him occasionally. My grandmother had almost a similar thing happen to her. Smoker, went to the emergency room and they sent her up to the ICU and she had a massive heart attack getting off the elevator. Full arrest, the works. They called us all in and said there wasn’t much hope. She kept kicking, although the readings on the instruments looked like crap. Then they started improving. She eventually went home and had a lot of good years. So keep the hope alive. It would help if he change a few things but that’s his call, not yours.

I’m sorry you are experiencing this shock and heartache. No pun intended.
Yes, all you can do is be there for your dad and family and do not pass judgement. We all have to die of SOMETHING. I am not advocating serious self harm but, OTOH, it is a fact, we have to die of something.

Live long enough and your kidneys will fail, the number one cause of death in elderly people, animals.
Not a pleasant way to go, at all.
My great grandmother died of kidney failure at 97.5 and she said ” Oh, if only I had known it would be this way I would have had more fun.”
I’d rather die of a well used and even abused body than a life devoid of pleasures.

Good people can struggle with bad habits, and while smoking is not great, lots of people have heart issues due to repressed anger and stress and diet, smoking aside.
Be supportive, love him, and do not pass judgement.

You dad was given a gift. He got a wake-up call most people never get.
Now it’s up to him to either smell the coffee or go back to bed.

Thanks for the kind words!

@LuckyGuy Tell me how you really feel about it.~

I know how you feel @livelaughlove21…You are scared, in shock and worried sick about your dad. You and your dad are lucky as most people in his shoes do not live to see another day. It is a new normal for you and maybe not so much for your dad but let’s pray he changes his mind to get healthy again.

I sort of went through what you are when my dad was only 66 he went in for a triple bypass and came out with 6. After the surgery he looked as you describe frail and a shadow of his former self. My dad did recover fully and led a very active productive life until a year ago when he went in for surgery which he and we thought was going to be a routine procedure and ended up dying in surgery. Because we all thought this was no big deal, I did not go down to be with him and my mom the day of the surgery and even worse I did not have that last conversation you might have when you know the end is coming. You have that chance now to be with your dad and talk about the things that you would regret not talking about when he is gone someday.

Sorry sis, all I can say is that maybe when he’s recovered, take the time to tell him everything you need to say and let him know that his health being neglected may shorten your time together (guilt is a powerful motivator for some.)
Other than that, just take the time to smell the roses yourself, because none of us are guaranteed one more day on this planet in our physical form.

When mom was told she had breast cancer all over her, they gave her a month, then 3–6 months, then 10 years, now it’s all gone into remission after two years of treatment, so prepare for the worst but hope for the best. :)

I know how you feel, when I was 10 I was diagnosed with A- plastic-anemia, a rare blood disorder, I was told I had 3 months to live here I am today 4 years later in full remission.

My Dad had to have an emergency quadruple bypass when he was 70 and he lived 19 more years. He looked like shit for several weeks after the surgery but then came back to robust health eventually. He was taking care of himself well though.

Best of luck to you and yours!

“Your” ... too late to edit.

@livelaughlove21 Your dad is a guy. He can go two ways with this gift. He will either make some changes or he won’t. Sadly, you can’t exert much influence one way or the other.
What you can do is start thinking of the episode as a practice fire drill. What would you and your mom do if the worst had happened? Be prepared.
He is now wrestling with his mortality and will be a little more willing to answer tough questions from you and your mom.
Does he have a will?
Do you know where the banking passwords are stashed?
Does he have anything he wants discarded or any property given to certain people?
Does he want anyone notified? Did he give you a list of names?
You get the idea.

Here’s your script:
“Dad, I know this is a tough time for you. But you are not the only one suffering. This caught us by surprise, too. While you were unconscious you missed the whole event. We were the ones who had to answer some tough questions. We were unprepared.
Just in case this ever happens again there are few questions I’d like to ask you.”

@LuckyGuy My dad is a guy…why, yes he is. What does that have to do with anything?

What would you and your mom do if the worst had happened? Be prepared.

I’m 24, married, and living away from home. The only thing I need to prepare for is the grief that his death would cause me and my family. Yes, I’m worried about what my mom will do without him, but that plan isn’t mine to have.

As for all the other questions – again, I’m just his step-daughter. Those things I won’t be concerning myself with. It’s none of my business.

Also, he wasn’t unconscious. Like I said, he was alert the whole time, except for very brief moments in the car with my sister. And we had no difficult questions to answer.

I’m not really sure where any of that advice came from. “He’ll die some day, get ready” isn’t something anyone really needs to hear – everyone dies, no newsflash there. I’m not quite sure you even read my question.

Are you a doctor? Because you sure have the bedside manner of one. I know the reality of the situation. I don’t need you to tell me what you think it is.

@livelaughlove21 I mentioned your dad is a guy as a reference to the older question from Hawaii_jake Why do men try to fix things? . My point is that he will see things more in black and white than you will. I’m a guy too can you tell? :- ) He will most likely not want to talk about it and would rather either act or not act.
I read every word of your question and I’m sorry if you interpreted my comment as “He’ll die someday so get ready.” I was referring to your statement “Not only would it devastate us all to lose him, but I have no clue what would happen to my disabled mom if she didn’t have my dad to support her financially and otherwise.” I was offering advice that a middle aged guy would get, as in: “Holy Carp! I’d better get my ducks in a row and get healthy!” By asking him concrete questions you would be secretly helping him decide to do something positive. .

I’m not a doc, thank goodness, but I am an engineer and likely would have the same kind of bedside manner. I present the data even if it is not pleasant. From my experience with prostate cancer patients, guys forced to accept their mortality generally like that approach.
Knowing how he thinks and what he’s thinking might help everyone deal with the larger situation.
I wish you all well.

By the way. I was not kidding about your dad being given a gift. He was given the gift of life appreciation. Many of the PCa guys I know, turned their lives around after being diagnosed. They suddenly have a zest for life. They enjoy family more. They recognize that sitting on the couch might not be the best way to connect with family and friends. They travel and visit family they have not seen in decades. They shamelessly spoil their grandchildren. Every day is a bonus.
It would be great if we all acted that way all the time.

Did the doctors say how damaged his heart is? If the muscle damage isn’t very bad he could wind up doing very well. My dad had bypass surgery at age 46. He was lucky and had some symptoms he paid attention to and never had a heart attack, but his left main artery, that same widowmaker artery, was over 75% blocked when they evaluated him. He is now 71, and has had some other health problem, but for a good 15 years after the surgery it was like he had never had heart disease except that he had changed his diet significantly. Even if there is some heart damage, I know people who live many many years after a big heart attack and do pretty well. One friend of ours was in his early 50’s. Smoked like crazy. It’s been 5 years since his heart attack and he does have some trouble walking very long distances, but overall he is fine. They travel all the time, he still can do all his hobbies, you would never know he had a heart attack.

What are the doctors saying? Do they feel he can recover. If so, then you should believe them. Although, I completely understand your worry. This is a precarious time as he heals and gets his strength back.

Weight loss is extremely common after surgeries like this. As long as he is eating and does not drop to a dangerous weight try not to worry about that. The weight loss makes our strong dads look weak, it is discombobulating I know. In a way life altering. It’s like another realization that our parents are just human and vulnerable. I don’t mean a realization they are mortal, I think we know as adults how quickly life can change and people can die. I mean, that we usually look to our parents as in charge and confident, and a major illness can really give them a blow and we see their fear and weakness and it alters our own world a little.

Heart attacks in young people tend to be more serious, because they haven’t formed lots of tributaries from the main arteries. He is relatively young. Hopefully, he will change his habits of smoking and eat a more healthy diet. Someone who gets so blocked up at a young age will most likely block in other arteries, their bodies just block up. It is the problem I most likely have stirring in my body with my genes.

The way you described your dad I have a feeling he is a stubborn man and is going to push forward.

My grandmother was one tough cookie. Her first husband was not a well man for years before he passed, and she had to do much of the farmng, along with cooking and raising two rowdy boys. The farming included plowing behind a mule. Yeh, I’m serious. I just wanted to give you an idea of how tough she was before I tell you about when she broke her hip. It happened after she’d already outlived two husbands. The second one, she had to carry around, because he was in the final stages of Parkinson’s.
One day, she was gassing up her car, and tripped going inside to pay. The fall broke her hip. It scared me bad, because at her age, people don’t often recover from a broken hip.
I went to see her at the hospital, and I had been shocked by her appearance as had you with your dad. I sat with her a looooooong time, talking about old times, baking pies, and why none of the men in town would talk to her. (She outlasts her husbands, see.) Each day, after work I stopped in to visit. One day, before I got to her room, a nurse stopped me, and told me grandma was making plans to be gone. She told me if I couldn’t talk her up, she would not make it home.
When I got to her room, she looked worse than ever, and was talking who should she give what. I told her not to bother giving me a damn thing, because if she was going to die right now I’d be too pissed at her to want anything. I told her that when Grandpa died, she moved away, and didn’t come back until I was grown and gone. I scolded her for threatening to leave now, when I finally had her in my life again, and needed her so much. She said, “What would you need me for?” That was it. My foot was in the door, and she was listening. I cried, and told her how I still just needed her to be grandma,a nd love me just because, and bake me cookies, and give me hugs, and tell me old fashioned advice about finding the right man.
I shook that old woman good. When I left, she smiled, and had some color.
When I got there the next day, the same nurse headed me off again. She said, “I don’t know what you did to your grandma last night, but she’s alive again.” The relief was so much, I felt like screaming, crying, hitting something, going into a psycho fit of giggles, you name it. When I went into the room, grandma had some good color. Her hair was combed, and she had painted her nails. She talked about what a mess her plants were probably in with her gone so long.
Only a couple of days later it was July fourth. I had my uncle go there ahead of me, and be ready for when I call. There was a pay phone a block away. I called her room and told him to get her to the window. I then parked my car, and set offf firecrackers, sparklers, a fountain in the parking lot and waved some little flags around like crazy. When I got to the room, she was just getting back to her bed. She was so happy. She looked like a little kid who just saw their first fireworks.
I moved in with grandma for a few weeks when she went home. She needed the help. I soon left though, because she kept trying to do extra things for me, and I wanted her to take it easy. She lived almost a decade beyond that broken hip. I got to bake with her, watch Wheel Of Fortune with her (she was GOOD), talk about just silly things until we both ran out of just silly things to talk about. I finally got to have that relationship with her and almost all of it was “Borrowed” time. That close call made it all the more special, because we both knew how close we came to missing out on that time.
(I love you, Grandma, miss you!)

^^^ What a lovely story.

Thankyou. It was a major event in my life. When I hit the answer button, and saw it was longer than my laptop screen, I wondered, “Long short, or novella?”

Thanks @Jonesn4burgers for sharing such a personal moment so near and dear to you….I shared the same with a grandma too stubborn to die. I just wish you could get just one free pass to just one time bitch slap a cranky 92 year old so full of spit and vinegar

@livelaughlove21 How are things going?

@JLeslie Things are alright. He’s starting to look a bit better now, though he’s still exhausted. I think he actually went to work today, despite everyone telling him it was too soon. He said it’s “against his nature” to sit at home and sleep all day when there’s money to be made at the shop. He went to go visit his incarcerated son last Friday two hours away and it took a lot out of him, so I don’t know how he’s going to make it the whole day at work. But like I said, he’s an adult and we can’t make him do what we think is right. Only time will tell if he’s going to make any changes in his life – it doesn’t look too likely, though.

@livelaughlove21 Too bad he won’t take it a little easy for a couple of weeks. I guess he felt he needed to see his son, because he probably feels fragile amd like he could suddenly drop dead. I don’t mean you should think he has a high chance of dying right now, I am only talking about in his own mind, his own fears. It would be understandable. People who come close to dying usually feel like they want to get some things in order and take care of things that haven’t been done or said.

It’s great to hear he was looking better and was able to go to work and visit his son. That all sounds very very positive. :)

It sure sounds like he’s on the road to recovery. He has the right idea, to not sit and solidify, but you are right to gently remind him to not overdo. Do your best convincing without being a nag; which is easy when we worry about someone we love.