How do I keep my sanity or my marriage intact if my FIL moves in?

This is way too complicated to answer in full so I’ll just say that if my husband wanted to visit his parents then yes, he’d expect me to go with him. And in all the many years I was married to my “ex” I was always , always there if he’d go visit his parents too. So, to me, I’d feel hurt if I weren’t expected to come along . But now, after having been married most of my life, I would welcome the opportunity to be alone while either visited their folks and just stay home. But all four parents are gone now. Finally , I hope your husband isn’t being immature and wanting to cause trouble.

Sounds like Hubby never learned to cut the apron strings and be his own Man, and now he’s feeling guilty about Mom, so he’s making up for it with Dad. I’d say you have some issues too in this subject. This is obviously way too complicated for me to know all the ins and outs from a fluther question. Have you ever considered counseling? I don’t like that answer, but there’s a lot of issues here.

Go to counseling. That is all.

Yes, you have 3 choices.

1. Go to counseling and hope for the best.
2. Divorce your husband, kills two birds with one stone.
3. Let your FIL move in and THEN leave them both to fend for themsleves. lol

I agree with a @Adirondackwannabe Your husband is not only not aware if, let alone able to deal with his own parental issues, and it is grossly unfair of him to expect you to be a caretaker for his father, as well as himself. Nobody needs to apologize for not liking someone else, or, for being honest enough to admit they just aren’t up for the job of being a caretaker to an elderly person.

If your FIL is going to move in, it’s definitely going to create tension between you and your husband. May be you could do it on a trial basis before completely committing but I must say it will definitely change your life in ways you could never imagine. These are the years you should be spending quality time with one another, not taking on a third person in your lives. You can always help your FIL when he has some problems, but don’t let him move in. It sounds like he’s already overstepping his boundaries. As for your husband, he needs to be more supportive of your feelings. I know it’s his dad, but there are other ways for you both to help him.
You and your husband need to sit down and figure out how this is going to work. I too agree with others opinion regarding counseling. It will definitely help you to a great extent.

What @Judi said.

For better or worse.

If your husband can make plans to take his father out of town for surgery that you nothing about and he snapped at you in the process…sounds to me like you have a serious communication issue. You also mention not having alone time with your husband tells me there is other things going on in your marriage that you should seek help in fixing.

If your FiL spends the night with you two he will not go home ever again if he has any sort of cold, flu, pains, dizzy spell, etc. It is just too comfortable , stimulating and enjoyable for an elderly person to be with family waiting on them , cooking for them, talking with them, etc.
He’ll be staying for good. Be prepared for that. Or, in your case, to leave.

Take him in & tell hubs he has to step up & be PRESENT. He’s 80, deal with family lovingly. Hubs resents you already.

@KNOWITALL Standing ovation! You nailed it!

@KNOWITALL You really think he can step it up? She’s going to end up with two momma’s boys and no momma.

@Adirondackwannabe Agreed, but yeah, if he isn’t present and already has resentments, well…grasping at straws for sure, but that is what needs to happen if there is any hope.

@Coloma Yeah, oh man, I hate these things.

Does your father-in-law want to live with you, have you actually asked him? Just because someone is elderly does not necessarily mean they want to move in with their kids, a close friend who is 77 would absolutely abhor the idea, he values his privacy, home and independence too much.

It sounds as though it is already causing hassles in your relationship, since he is snappy etc., I agree with everyone else, he has issues about it all. The guilt probably. Ugh! My S.O. is just the same, it’s a damn pain. They don’t realize that when mommy and daddy both go to heaven they could be just all by themselves and regret all this.

Having said that, be firm, be kind, be firmly kind and tell them, that you’d love to help him move to a) apartment in the street b) any new accommodation c) retired village. That you will always be helpful, join him for a beer, or a cup of tea just to make him laugh.

Tell your husband that, you think your FIL is fun, he’s good company and he is an adult and you’d like to keep it that way, you are not a i) maid ii)qualified nursing sister iii) lacky.

But you are foremost his wife.

@Coloma You never come between family & marriage is compromise. Maybe with three they can get a maid.

There appear to be communication issues within your relationship, and also issues about the guilt that you both carry relative to his mother’s death. I agree that counseling would be a good idea.

I usually advise people that when you get married, you are marrying into a family and they are marrying into yours. It is always wise to asses the family dynamics before choosing to commit to one of its members. Had either you or your spouse posed a question when you found out “what you were getting into two months before the wedding,” I’d have strongly recommended that you put the wedding on hold until those issues between you and his mother were resolved.

Now you have a legal commitment to one another, and if you want to save your relationship, you will both need to re-commit yourselves to making it a priority. Again, I think professional guidance is needed in this complex situation.

Build and extension at the back of the house but don’t allow him access to your house. Treat it like a seperate living arrangement. Can you maybe get him a house close by instead of in your house????????