What do you do when your mom tries to control who your friends are at 21?

Your parents will always give you input on who you spend time with – they’re parents, they can’t help themselves. But if they are still supporting you, then they have quite of bit of influence. When you pay for your own phone, car, and apartment, then you can thank for their concern and ignore them.

WHat @syz said. You could talk to them about trusting you, too. If your decisions are good why limit you?

If your parents are giving you things and money, they have the right to stop giving you things and money whenever they wish. You can’t control that. You can lie to them about things they don’t want you to do, but this harms your character. The most honourable thing for you to do is to be honest about who your friends are, accept whatever consequences your parents inflict on you, and begin to take responsibility for your own finances.

Having control over your own money will give you complete autonomy. Only you know whether you are brave enough to do that, though. If you’re not, you’ll have to either do as your parents wish or lie to them.

My son is about to turn 23, and I’ve never tried to control who he hangs out with. Even when he was in Elementary School, if there was a kid who have me bad vibes, I’d just keep a close eye on things, and look for “teachable moments”; such as when my son told me his friend stole cash out of his grandmother’s purse. “If he’ll steal from his own Grandma, I don’t think he’s trustworthy,” I warned – a couple years later the same kid took my son’s wallet and cleaned out his savings account via the MAC card. The bank reimbursed my son, and he made the kid pay him back, but it was a lesson learned.

Even into his teens and now twenties, I will be honest with him about my opinions, but I won’t try to dictate to him who he should spend his time with. I do trust that I’ve taught him how to be a critical thinker and a judge of character. Perhaps you could frame a conversation with your parents in that context: tell them that they’ve raised you well, and you have demonstrated responsibility and maturity beyond that of your peers. Express your appreciation for all they have done and continue to do, but request that they have faith in their parenting and trust in you to make good choices for your future.

Get a job and wean yourself. Stop divulging info on your whereabouts and social interactions. Stop going home so much and begin actually building a life in the town you live in.
Remember that people will judge you by the company you keep. Even if you aren’t guilty of the bad influences of your friend, associations build reputations. If you lay down with dogs you get up with fleas.

I wouldn’t adress these things with my parents directly; I would just slowly start pulling away and changing my habits. No need for conflict in a natural leaving if the nest situation.

You are not independent if you are taking their money for school, apartment, car, etc.
You are still living under the roof of their money. If you want to call your own shots, separate yourself from their money.

As it appears to me your parents are financing every bit of the life you are leading at this moment, and as investors in your future, I think they are entitled to voicing their opinions on how you conduct your affairs and even with whom you are choosing to associate with. Any investor has a vested interest in how the money they invest is being managed and aside from the maternal/paternal interest your parents have, they are bankrolling your future and if they see you making choices they deem less than best in your interest and their financial commitment to your future…do not be so surprised they are voicing their concern.

You have a choice to make to continue to benefit from their financial support with obvious strings attached or cut the cord and go it on your own accord without their financial support and they cannot then meddle in what you choose to do.

So this is really about only one friend, right?

While I agree with the others that your parents have monetary control at this point, this still seems like a poor way for your mother to manage who your friends are. What is your dad’s stance on this?

Here is a thought…when you and your mother are in a non-confrontational situation, how about asking her why she is concerned about the friendship. From what has been posted, it sounds as if you want to be a positive influence on this friend and that you are well-grounded.

If that is the case, keep in mind that one person can inspire another to change their habits, but the motivation to do so comes from within. Sometimes, it is better to distance oneself from that person.

At 21, they don’t have the right to dictate anything to you (other than house rules, in their home).

Keep in mind, though, that you don’t have the right to have them pay for everything, either. They can cut off the financial support any time they want to. If you make them angry, will they do that? (I wouldn’t do that to my kids, but there are a shocking number of parents who would.)

If I were you, I’d start with a calm conversation along the lines of @hearkat‘s last paragraph.