My mother in-law insists on bringing food to my house.

Get rid of the old trout…the food too.

You need to make your position perfectly clear.
Take her food, and in front of hear, throw it in the bin.

The best way (in my opinion) to politely stop this is to say, “oh thanks, this will be nice for lunch tomorrow.” Then don’t serve it or have it available.

If she says “it’s for the dinner”, you say,“But we don’t have room, I’ve already prepared a full meal and dessert.” And don’t serve it!

The hardest part is getting your husband to support you. That’s the real problem here.

Has your husband firmly told her not to bring anything? He needs to give it a try. If she defies him then I suggest he tells her next time they will put it all in the fridge to save for the next day because you have already planned out a men, similar to @zenvelo‘s suggestion, but it gives her fair warning before the day of the event.

The other suggestion I have, a little more obnoxious, is bring a bunch of food to her parties. You know the saying you get what you give. If she is going to bring unwelcomed food, then others can do it to her. When people ooh and ah over your dishes at her parties maybe she will get the hint. I doubt it, but you can try it.

I say pick your battles. Is this on really worth it? For me I would just let this one go for the sake of family harmony and save the battles for things like interfering with your parenting choices.

I front of all the family politely say thank you so much for the wonderful…...., but it doesn’t fit with my meal so I’ll set it aside for now. Then if she has a cow everyone gets to witness it. And your hubby had better have the balls to back you up. Do that a few times and I think she’ll get the message.

@Adirondackwannabe There can be a good chance the other guests will think the OP is the ungracious one. When I had a Q about being annoyed everyone wanted to bring food to a particular party of mine where I was planning a specific menu a lot of jellies thought I was a controlling idiot. In TN people just bring stuff even without asking. Where I grew up that didn’t happen very often. I think it is somewhat regional, and partly family customs. If someone feels it is rude to show up empty handed they feel badly when they show up empty handed and worry about being judged.

Who knows what it is about the OP’s mom. Has she been a stay at home mom and wife her whole life? Cooking might be her way to feel useful and needed. Or, she might be competitive with the OP.

You have me thinking, maybe the OP should tell the MIL very specifically what to bring.

The OP said its a power play, the MIL is a lousy cook, and they went to culinary school. I could understand not wanting to show up empty handed, but an fing ham? Bullshit. I’d hit her with the ham. But then subtle has never been my strong point. Although your idea of giving her something to bring might be a good middle ground.

@Adirondackwannabe LOL. No one is telling her her ham is terrible I would guess. She thinks it’s good.

I wonder how old she is? Eventually she might get tired enough that she doesn’t want to do all that cooking. My MIL is just reaching that point in her 70’s and my grandmother hit it in her late 60’s. Both women were are still very active, they just stopped wanting to do so much extra work. Both my grandma and MIL made delicious food, so it wasn’t that anyone wanted them to stop, and they never insist on bringing food, I am just saying this woman might at some point let it rest on her own.

@JLeslie Yes, good point. Maybe it’ll blow over after a bit. Let’s hope so for the OP’s sake.

Could it be MIL’‘s gentle way of saying that fancy cooking is too much for her? Perhaps she is pleased to be invited, but needs to eat something without over the top sauces, and wide aray of herbs and seasonings. I have a delicate digestion, and I can almost never eat out because of the way foods get prepared at restaurants. Before I moved away, I had a friend who was always excited about discovering new dishes, and wanting me to try them. I was happy for her personal joy, but I couldn’t eat them, it was disaster for me.
I like the idea of suggesting something she might bring. If she has special food needs, she might be embarrassed to talk about it. She might be relieved if you ask. I don’t see any reason to be rude.

My suggestion is next time you invite her, just say “We have everything we need. Please don’t bring anything. We don’t need anything. If you really want to bring something, bring flowers.”

Maybe she doesn’t want to show up empty handed so flowers are always a good option.

If she does bring food, you can try not serving it and see if it doesn’t become an argument.

@ragingloli‘s comment made me laugh out loud!

Aside from some of the other power plays recommended above – most of which are sure to add fuel to a fire that you clearly want to put out – why not try to channel her in ways that you can accept?

Since you know that she’s going to bring food, why not suggest exactly what you want from her? And since you don’t seem to like her cooking (maybe your husband does, so it’s certainly worth asking him “What would you like her to bring?”), you might suggest that she bring prepared items: rolls and buns from a nearby baker, for example, or ditto dessert items, or a salad, etc.

Channel, don’t dam.

@Jonesn4burgers She is bringing a ham and side dishes. An entire meal. She needs to eat a little before she leaves her own house if she can’t eat anything. If she brings something just bring one item. If the food is too heavy for her she needs to mention it to her son or DIL so they can account for her needs.

So this has been going on for twenty + years? Perhaps it is a bit late for saying anything. Surely you can simpky smile and accept her idiosyncrasies?

I am not allowed to bring a cracker. Says who? If you have the energy and feel it’s important to antagonize her as much as she does you, bring whatever you want.

When she arrives, say Thanks so much.” Freeze the ham, serve the salad, keep the vegetable dish for the next day.

This sounds as though there are a lot of hidden agendas here. Ongoing battles with an in-law that lasts for 20 years need dealing with.

I’m with @CWOTUS on this one 100%. ”Channel don’t dam”.

Twenty years is a long time to simmer. If you really are upset with her openly communicate with her anytime between holidays. Don’t wait for the next holiday or family gathering to bring about more upset.

Also, next time she comes, if she brings food, just keep saying “Oh, I wish you didn’t. We have soo much food. We have way too much food already!” Keep it at that and put the food in the kitchen and don’t bring it out.

Another one agreeing with @CWOTUS. This may simply have to be seen as a battle that should not be fought. She may have started out trying to be honestly helpful, and perhaps it escalated from there. Maybe your demeanor now is showing irritation and that fuels it, (obviously that is just conjecture, you may be the soul of gracious when dealing with it.). The possibility exists that in trying to stop this annoying behavior you could escalate “power play” into “combative”, and it’s almost impossible to come back from that.
Weigh your options carefully, and talk to your husband before raising the stakes.

She is welcome at my house. I am a good cook, but generosity is welcome,and she could feel appreciated for her efforts here.

My answer was @zenvelo‘s answer: don’t serve her food, put it away.

Or the reverse. Invite her and don’t fix a thing. Nothing. When she arrives loaded for for, just say “Oh, I’m so tired of throwing good food out after we invite you for dinner, I thought we’d just enjoy the lovely meal you always bring.”

Well, maybe some outstanding finger food and a luscious desert.

I wouldn’t say anything & put it out, she’s 70 & wants to help. You can always take it to a needy family.

I agree with @KNOWITALL. Make it a non-issue in your mind and deal with it later.

Just deal. Ehhh…. guess what she’ll die before you.

Please post an update the next time she comes over and what occurs. I am sure I speak for the Collective that we are all curious and all rooting for you, whatever you decide to do and how you handle it.

Thank you.
jca
The Update Lady

I thought about this more and if it really bothers you and you can’t just ignore it, I do think talking to her at a time that is not close to the event is a good idea as some suggested above. Ask her why she brings food when asked not to. Actually, I really think your husband should do it. Her intentions might all be good. Discussing it calmly with the intent of caring about her feelings might help.

Oh lord, people are nuts!
Okay…bottom line, you have decided to take a stand, and I agree with @zenvelo 100%, your husband needs to be fully on board and if you want to change this situation you BOTH must present a unified front.
Whenever we attempt to change the system with another, the push to “change back” is going to happen.
You need to CLEARLY and FIRMLY communicate your preferences and then, if she continues to disrespect your wishes, yep, shelve the food and toss it later.

I also really like @JLeslie sharing…ask her, point blank, ” why do you insist on bringing food when I tell you it is not needed or WANTED?”
A direct approach is best.