I'm so nervous about my wedding night what to do?

Almost everyone has sex eventually, and it’s generally pleasurable. Your biggest worry should be that your partner might not know what he’s doing and will bore you!

Could you possibly talk to him about not having intercourse the first night but maybe just kissing, holding each other and exploring each other’s bodies? Most of us “work up” to intercourse by exploring our sexuality in other ways first and there is less pressure that way. Any possibility of that or would it not be acceptable in your culture?

One thing to think about is that he is probably as nervous as you. Maybe try to sneak some kisses at least in the meantime so you feel what the excitement is.

If you cannot do any of the above, make sure there is a lot of caressing before he enters you and that you are excited and well lubricated. That will ease the discomfort, if there is any, a great deal.

And remember, there is room for mistakes, talking and laughter in sex too. It is not a performance.

I agree with @janbb. If you haven’t even had the opportunity to explore one another physically at all, then I would see getting married as permission to begin doing so more than pressure to consummate. Getting excited about touching someone and being touched is a wonderful experience. Why not build up to it at a natural pace?

And as far as sex goes, it’s so much fun once you get a few nights of experience. There is no wrong way to do it. I have no doubt that if you are comfortable and trust each other that you will figure it out.

Congrats on getting married!

First off, if no one else says it, I will. I commend you for doing it right, and there will be those who will say different.

Will it hurt a lot? Will there be a lot of blood? Will he be able to see it? Will I disappoint him? What kind of positioning would be best?

I have never been with a virgin (sob) so I can attest to how much pain there is or not; I guess it varies from person to person. If you see it, it is not anything permanent, look if it as confirmation you did it right. Do not worry about if you disappoint him or he you, learn together. You are in a union not a business contract. As for position, the slower you get into the actual intercourse the better it might be. I would say when the time is right you be on top straddling his hips. That way you get to determine how deep he goes, and control the tempo. After that, anything is OK, him behind and you on your knees, you on his hips facing away while he is on his back, sitting in a chair, etc. Enjoy yourself and CONGRATULATIONS!

Welcome to Fluther.

This is a good question, which I can’t recall having seen here before.

Given your cultural and religious taboos, it’s not surprising that you would be anxious and concerned about this issue. It’s good that you can bring it up in a question like this and attempt to research it.

You’re going to get all kinds of advice, I would imagine, but it seems to me that what you want right now, besides “tactical” advice about how to proceed into this activity is a good amount of “factual” knowledge that has been denied to you. So, to that end, let me ask you, where you are do you have free access to non-pornographic websites that we could refer to you? I’m thinking in particular of sites such as WebMD.com, which will give you factual medical advice and information about such things as basic anatomy. That will give you a basis of fact on which to ask further questions and allay some of your natural fears.

In addition to that, can you talk to your prospective husband openly about these things? Is he, like you, unashamed and willing to discuss and learn together?

Good luck to you both.

EDIT / ADD: Related to the first question that I asked above, and the link that I provided, here is the listing for 788 topics related to ‘sexual intercourse’ on WebMD

From the male perspective. He has a lot of pressure on him to perform and to do it right and, if I understand correctly, he is probably in the same boat that you are. He has a vague understanding of what goes where but is also without first hand knowledge of the details. If the opportunity is there, and it sounds like it may be limited, he would probably be greatly relieved to talk to you about it.

I know that there is a great deal of anticipated pleasure and rightly so; you are entering into an entirely new phase of life but I would caution you not to put too much emphasis or attach too much importance to the actual physical act the first time. As others have said, there is much to be said about the mental aspect and the touching and exploring that goes along with it. The important thing is that you both have fun and enjoy yourself. And, grant yourself and your future husband the right to make mistakes as you learn and to laugh at them together.

As to your other questions: Will it hurt? Maybe, probably, a little if you are focused on that particular aspect. Will there be blood? Again, maybe, probably, sometimes yes and sometimes no. A lot? I can only tell you that that was not my experience. Will he be able to see it? Yes, if he looks. Will you disappoint him? Not if he is the kind of person you indicate he is. Positioning? Why not start with him on the bottom and you sitting on top, that way you have more control over the penetration and the pressure, Experiment later
I also suggest you ask your mother anyway. She probably knows first hand your nervousness but just doesn’t know how to start the conversation. It could bring the both of you closer. Same goes for you sisters if mom is still a no-go.

@sara770 I highly recommend both you and your future husband read the book And They Were Not Ashamed, ideally you’d read it together.

As for advice for the actual wedding night, my advice is the same as @janbb.‘s Take time to work up to the intimacy.

I agree with @janbb about waiting. Unless there is some cultural reason there is no pressure to “consummate the marriage” on the wedding night.
Practically speaking you both will be exhausted from the activities of the day. Maybe you will be drinking a little. Maybe you will be full of great food. You both will be full of great stories told by the various relatives. After the busy day you will most likely want to take off the heel, get out of your stiff cloths, wash off the extra make up, use the bathroom, and take a nice shower – alone or together. That is plenty of intimacy for the first night. There will be time.
Sleep well.

First, may I suggest that you ask the mods to move this question to General? You might find that otherwise, people will bicker amongst themselves about the topics you have raised. Moving the question to General will keep people’s answers helpful and on topic, which might improve your Fluther experience. :)

I think @janbb‘s advice is excellent, excellent, excellent. In fact, I wish I’d had this advice before my first time.

I would caution you, though – although I agree that laughter can be a positive and relaxed thing in the bedroom with the right person, some men take it very personally and think it is a criticism, even if you don’t mean it that way at all. If you don’t know your husband well enough to be sure that he’s comfortable with it, maybe hold off on that for a while. This is just one more reason to communicate with each other about what each of you likes and what you are thinking and feeling as you go.

Pain

First time sex hurts for some women. It’s important to be relaxed and not anxious. Anxiety and being tense causes your vagina and labia region to be dry. If you have intercourse while your genitalia is dry and tensed up, then you will experience a lot of pain. This is one of many reasons why couples need to engage in foreplay.

I like the word foreplay – because it has the word “play” in it! Seriously, play with your husband until you feel relaxed and anxiety-free. There’s all kinds of play. Think of all of your senses: smell, taste, sight, touch, and hearing. Some couples like to take each other’s clothes off, piece by piece. Some like to strip in front of each other. Perhaps creating a list of playful things you can do with your husband will help you to imagine your wedding night to be a fun experience.

Placing a lot of expectations on romance and the perfect first time sexual experience will only make you feel anxious. Remember, the more anxious you are, the more painful intercourse is likely to be.

These links are geared towards Christians, but they may be helpful regardless of your religion:

* Sex Series: Bridal Preparation for the Honeymoon
* Fantastic Honeymoon Sex Guide for the Virgin
* What I Wish I’d Known before the Wedding Night

Bleeding

If you’ve used tampons, you don’t have to worry about bleeding because your hymen is broken. If you’ve never inserted anything in your vagina, then your hymen may be intact. In this case, there’s a slight chance of minor bleeding.

@prolificus “If you’ve used tampons, you don’t have to worry about bleeding because your hymen is broken.”

Not necessarily. Tampon use is not likely to break the hymen.

@dappled_leaves – I know. But, it did for me. I did say, though, “if you’ve never inserted anything in your vagina…”

This Q in social section?

really opens up a lot of opportunity for some good schtick.

Get totally bombed or lock yourself in the bathroom.

I am speaking from a woman’s point of view. You have seen suggestions here to be on top, but I was unable to do that until I had been sexually active for a couple of years, maybe more. Being upright puts the weight of your internal organs downward, making intercourse, for some women at least, more painful. Also, your leg and abdominal muscles stay tightened that way. Definately, being relaxed helps. I remember being afraid and feeling like I should know more first. Don’t look at it like a sporting event, or stage performance. There is not a scheduled start time, no audience to applaud or laugh. It is two people alone together, both nervous, and both in love.
I am sure you are both driven by passion and love and curiosity, and therefore feel that once you are alone,you will both just start. The best way is honestly to take time to explore first. You can be playful. What seemed like childish games yesterday can actually be very sensuous when man and woman are alone discovering each other. Play peekaboo. Play a “Kiss me here” game. You can have forty kisses each. Take turns. One of you ponts to a spot on their own face or body, and say, “Kiss me here.”, then it is the other’s turn. Keep count, and always remember to say the words. Get a little more daring with each kiss. I doubt either of you will get all the way to forty, but maybe. Talk to each other. “That tickles”, “This makes me feel excited”, “Do you feel the same?”
As for pain, some feel a bit of pain, some don’t, but I’ve been told some men feel pain the first time or two also. If both of you are enjoying the experience, that will cover pain, and you may not care about it at all.
The fact that both of you cares about the pleasure of the other is a very good start.
Another very sensual thing is to give each other a bath. Sometimes people are embarrassed to touch each other, in certain places, at least. Giving each other a bath gives you a chance to explore the other with gentle touching, but knowing nothing special is expected of you. You would probably feel a bit vulnerable at first, but it is a great way to build trust. I don’t mean the kind of trust like he will protect you from harm, but trust that you can look at each other, and touch each other, and trust that neither of you will laugh at the other; trust that the other is learning and sharing, and you can say what you feel. Lots of couples stay together for years, or a lifetime without building that kind of trust, and it is very easy.

There is some great advice here and I agree with those that have suggested working up to penetration rather than putting pressure on yourself to do it straight away.

As far as your questions about the sex itself, I can only draw on personal experience and obviously every woman is slightly different but, for me my first time was uncomfortable at times but not painful. He was on top. There was a bit of blood but not a lot. My boyfriend could see the blood but it certainly wasn’t an issue and, from what you say, your partner will not make an issue of it either.

If you are both virgins then you can’t really disappoint him as he has nothing to compare it to. However, don’t expect sex to be perfect or even really enjoyable straight away. For me, sex has got better as our relationship has grown over the last 8 years, in the early days it was exciting in many ways, especially as it was completely new for me, but not earth shattering and I had plenty of inhibitions. Now we are comfortable with each other’s bodies and much more relaxed so sex is a really pleasurable and fun experience.

Also, you may find that the first time you do have intercourse, it is over very quickly! He will probably be very excited and coupled with nerves (and the fact that as a virgin you will probably be very tight down there) may climax almost straight away. This is common and will get better over time as he learns to relax and control certain urges better. Make sure he knows that this is not a problem for you (ie: try not to look disappointed in any way) as he may be a bit embarrassed. If he has ever watched porn (not sure if that is allowed in your culture) he may feel the pressure of performing for hours on end but that is not realistic at all so early on in his sexual life. The less expectations at this stage, the better for both of you.

Most importantly, enjoy your wedding. Don’t let this anxiety ruin your day. Congratulations.

Has anyone mentioned NOT to expect an earth shattering orgasm the first time and NOT to be devastated if when it doesn’t happen? Just be realistic.

I hope that by now you’ve come to realize that sex, like most other human activities, improves with experience and practice. One hopes (without asking you publicly) that you have experimented with your own body to achieve orgasm (it’s not still a sin in some backward religions, is it?) and that you can talk with your partner about the things that please yourselves, and the things that you’d like to know but have been afraid to ask about each other’s sexual responses.

In fact, it can be highly erotic and pleasurable to start by sitting together and “just talking” about what turns you on, what turns him on. A lot of people around the world these days engage in “sexting”, talking about sex and exchanging photos via phone. (I don’t recommend it, but to each his own.) I highly recommend partners talking about sex face-to-face, however – even while engaging in it. “Just talk” for as long as you can without touching and kissing, and see how that builds your mutual excitement. By the time you have done this for awhile (assuming that you can both do it openly, honestly, without fear, shame or embarrassment), you should both be ready and willing to take that further.

If you can’t discuss sex openly and frankly with your partner, then don’t try that. You need to work up to that point, or trying it will be worse than not doing it at all. If even that level of intimacy is unimaginable at this point, then that’s the basis for a different question.

Along the same lines, and again depending on your comfort level in the activity and with each other, “mutual masturbation” can be very educational to each of you. As you watch him masturbate, you see how his response builds, how his body responds to the approaching climax, and exactly what happens when that occurs. Ditto for him, watching you. Most men, at least from what I’ve heard (since I don’t think that I’ve ever been in a room with any other couple having sex, or any other man, for that matter), don’t like to be told what to do. But if they watch you play with your own body, and we’ll assume that this is a partner who has your best wishes and enjoyment as a goal, he will see “what works for you”, and may prompt him to ask questions that he hadn’t even thought of.

You should, if you can, approach the entire topic as one of mutual education, enjoyment and sharing.