Should I be hurt or angry about my son in law doing this to us?

I cannot fully appreciate the dynamics of your whole situation, but I cannot imagine holding in all the bottled up animosity and resentment. I can see how he may feel slighted that others have been given so much support and he has not. He should feel proud he has accomplished what he has under his own power and drop the woe is me resentment pity party. And if I were you I would call him out on it you really should clear the air and speak your peace. Time to get it off your chest and keep it civil and to the point.

If it’s been twenty five years and you haven’t “learned to live with it” at this point, I don’t see how that’s going to change.

What does your daughter say about his behavior?

^^^^^^^^ she covers for him. “He’s working at the house.” And now my daughter doesn’t come over when she finds out my husband’s family are coming over for two days when I know she likes them. It’s like she feels she’d be a traitor to her husband if she came when his family shows up twice a year. She hasn’t seen them since 1987 and they think so much of her from all they’ve heard about her.

Allow everyone to carry whatever baggage they want through life.

I would probably get some professional counseling to help me navigate the resentment. That can’t be healthy.

Are there grandchildren for you from this son-in-law and your daughter?

That seems the only reason to be sticking around. Were you planning to move to your hometown anyway?

Yes; two grandchildren. The girl is an angel; the boy ignores all adults but never gets into trouble of any kind and is musically inclined. He doesn’t say hello when we go over there and he is addicted to his IPhone. He likes to be alone.
No; I wasn’t planning on moving back home but now I don’t know anymore. I was only here to be near my daughter .

It sounds like she has made her choice. The granddaughter seems to be the only real tie you have to these kin any more, but that isn’t a reason to move unless they are really dragging you down with their attitudes.

My MIL drives me crazy and I kid my wife about it…but I suck it up for the kids and wife’s sake. Raising kids and trying to keep the marriage even keel is a lot of work and comes with baggage, strife and tribulations. I would cut him some slack and let him be the dick for his resentments and rise above it all especially the awkward disingenuous hugs. Life is too short to not share 2 days a year with family.

I would move. The distance will do you good and give you something else to focus on. You will still be able to see them sometimes, probably as often as you do now.

With all of your built-up resentment and anger, I do not think it would be good for you to have a talk with your son in law. If you could let some of your rage go, it might be beneficial. I’m unclear what he has done to get you so angry.

^^^^^^^^ You’re unclear? He has been in our home ONCE in 25 years. NO holiday dinners at all. I have NEVER spoken to him over the phone. He detests us because or I assume because we have not worked for our lifestyle while he works 100 hours a week part of the time outdoors in 95 degree weather . Something that really gets me is his very best friend is allegedly disabled from a train accident but lives a normal life without having to do anything but relax and collect big checks from the government. To add insult to injury , his son, 14, doesn’t talk at all to anyone except friends. He doesn’t open his mouth when we go over there. He gets very good grades but it seems extremely rude to us. Thank God his sister, my adorable granddaughter, has not turned on us yet.

How do you know why he does not speak? Maybe it is in his nature? Aren’t you assuming?

@Aster Many highly intelligent people are very poor at social skills like interacting with other humans or even speaking with them.

@Aster Have you talked to your daughter about your feelings? Maybe it isn’t so much that he looks down on you but that after working 100 hours a week, he wants his time to himself.

@janbb , aster already replied, “she covers for him. “He’s working at the house.” And now my daughter doesn’t come over when she finds out my husband’s family are coming over for two days when I know she likes them. It’s like she feels she’d be a traitor to her husband if she came when his family shows up twice a year. She hasn’t seen them since 1987 and they think so much of her from all they’ve heard about her.”

This reply is the 3rd response in this thread.

@Dan_Lyons Yes, I reread that before posting. But it doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be talking to her still about her feelings.

(I hate the “gotcha” attitude around here lately. It’s why I’m not posting much.)

@janbb I didn’t post as an “I gotcha” sort of thing. I thought maybe you had missed her reply.

And actually it does sort of mean exactly that she should stop talking to her daughter about her a-hole son in law because it is merely driving the daughter further and further from her.

Wow…now the son in law is an a-hole?! All this information from a stewing, steaming mad mother in law?

My opinion: communicate @Aster. Begin this conversation with your daughter by stating you’d like to have a relationship with her and all of her family members. Ask how you can help make that possible.

Are you willing to put your assumptions and grievances to the side and bridge the gaps in this relationship? If so, pursue communicating.

If not, then for your own health and well being: Let. It. Go.