Do you have a joke you'd like to share?

A: Why am I so sad?
B: Because you can’t be happy!

A: What is your wifi password?
B: Type from zero to nine.
...
A: Are you fucking trolling me? I have been typing 0123456789 until my fingers broke but why can’t I still access the wifi?
B: You fool! It’s “fromzerotonine”!

A friend of mine is a body collector for the Neptune society.
Someone told me he had just had a stroke. I replied that I had heard he was feeling a little stiff, but I thought they were talking about his job.

true story

On which part of the keyboard do astronauts hang out?

The space bar.

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

Poker Face :-)

Baaahahaha :D

How does Lady Gaga like her meat?

Raw raw rah ah ah ah.

What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

My girlfriend makes a lot of noise when we have sex.
I do not know why, she knows no one is coming to help.

A man is lying in bed, in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,”’ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”

Worried that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from concerns over his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are – my – test – results – back?”

more of a visual joke

What do you call it when Batman leaves church early?

Christian Bale

(Stolen from Uncle George)

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
I
I, who?
I candy

What do you call it, when a priest leaves church early?
An arrest.

Guy walks into his bedroom late one night, drunk, and with a duck under his arm.
He wakes up his wife and says “I want you to meet the pig I have been screwing for the last 10 years.
His wife says “You drunken asshole, that’s a duck!”
He says “I’m not talking to you!”

@Symbeline , now I finally understand that meme I keep seeing on Facebook. Duh. Thanks. I hate it when I’m dense.

A woman walks along the road and sees a little boy being run over by a car.
She runs over to the crushed child laying in a pool of blood, and cradles him in her arms.
Fearing he is close to death, she asks him “do you need a priest?” He responds:
“How can you think of sex at a time like this?!”

A neutrino walks into a bar. “What’ll it be?” asks the barman. The neutrino replies, “Oh don’t worry, I’m just passing through”.

Two lonely protons are at a bar, and see an electron surrounded by ladies. “How does he do that?” One asks the other. The second replies, “He’s just recently come out of his shell.”

A neutron walks into a bar, and orders a drink. “How much?” he asks the barman, who replies “For you, no charge.”

What looks funny on Grandma? Grandpa.

The sign on the hot dog stand reads “hot dogs and enlightenment only one dollar” A Buddhist hands the vendor a 5 dollar bill and says “make me one with everything” The vendor hands the hot dog to the Buddhist then places the five in the til. The Buddhist asks in confusion “what about my change?” The vendor replies “change only comes from within”

Are Pollock jokes allowed? We aren’t that PC are we?

@Adirondackwannabe I didn’t realize jokes about abstract expressionism were considered politically incorrect.

Q: How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
A: He Apollo-gises.

This joke is in honor of Neil Armstrong, who supposedly would tell bad jokes about the moon and then say, “I guess you had to be there” when no one laughed.

@Mimishu1995‘s confession:

I’m a brave and determine person. When I set my heart on a goal, nothing can stop me! Except… gossip, fun, and cockroaches :(

A guy drinking at a bar notices a new sign above the register. It reads: “Free Beer for a Year to Anyone Who Can Pass the Test”.

“What’s ‘the Test’”, he yells to the bartender.

“Well”, says the bartender, “First, you gotta chug down this here pickle jug full of homemade moonshine. Next, there’s an ornery old alligator out back that needs a tooth pulled in a bad way. Finally, there’s a little old lady upstairs ain’t never had an orgasm in her 85 years – so ya gotta go take care of that.”

Guy thinks about it for a bit and announces, “Awright. I’ll do it!”. The whole bar cheers.

First he grabs hold of the pickle jug, hoists is to his mouth, and chugs it all down. “Go, go, go!”, cheers the crowd.

Next he stumbles off the bar stool toward the back door and the alligator. Door slams shut behind him, and it’s silent for many minutes. The bar is concerned. Finally, the alligator lets out a bellowing roar and the sounds of crashing and breaking can be heard throughout the bar.

Within moments, the guy kicks back open the door, steps into the bar, and says, “Awright, where’s that lady with the bad tooth?”

@josie hahaha You gave me bellylaughs!
@syz I think that guy’s on steroids
@ragingloli The priest leaving early hahaha
@stanleybmanly Change only comes from w/in hahaha

Helium walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Th bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.

@AshLeigh Lol at the rah rah rah joke lol.

Little Johnny (you know who he is, the naughtiest kid in class) was in class one day, and the teacher said:

OK, class, we’re going to go through the alphabet and I want you to give me a word starting with the letter. We’ll start with “A”.

Little Johnny’s hand went straight up. The teacher didn’t call on him because she just knew he’d use an inappropriate word, like “asshole” or worse. So she called on Suzie.

“Teacher, ‘A’ is for ‘apple.”

“Very good, Suzie. Now who has a word for ‘B’?”

Little Johnny again raised his hand, eager to answer the question. The teacher, just as eager to keep the answers appropriate, passed on Little Johnny, and called someone else. She did this through much of the alphabet, each letter, Little Johnny raising his hand, the teacher calling someone else so Little Johnny wouldn’t say something inappropriate.

Then the teacher gets to “R”. Of course, Little Johnny’s hand was eagerly raised. Giving it some thought, the teacher came to the conclusion that there were no words that Johnny should no that started with “R” that would be bad words. So she called on Johnny.

“Johnny, do you have a word for the letter ‘R’?”

Johnny replied, “Teacher, ‘R’ stands for ‘rat’...a big shittin’ rat with a fuckin’ twelve-inch tail!

You have to say this one out loud:

What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?
“DAM!”

Throwing acid is wrong… in some people’s eyes.

Then there’s the dyslexic agnostic who spent a lifetime pondering the existence of dog.

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff… ba-dum-tsh!

You need to yell this out as loud as you can:

WE TODD IT! WE TODD IT! I AM SOFA KING WE TODD IT!!!

only the finest of german comedy

@Dutchess_III We Todd Ed

The Council Of Elrond Demands An Explanation For This Bullshit.

Speaking of which.

Q: What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
A: Tequila Mockingbird.

@SavoirFaire Ha ha! When my son was about 13 I kept trying to get him to watch To Kill a Mockingbird. I kept bugging him, until he turned around finally and said, “Why would I want to watch a movie about tequila??”
Neither of the kids showed the slightest interest in watching that old movie.
I was forced to settle for making them watch Monty Python for the first time in their lives. :D

@Dutchess_III Shame, they don’t know what they missed, perhaps one day they will feel inspired to watch it… Mind you, Monty Python has a lot going for it but is just not the same is it?

No, it’s not the same, but I can see how it would appeal to a 13 year old more the “To Kill a Mockingbird.” Shame. That is SUCH a classic. Now that he’s 26 I may be able to change his mind.

A man in Florida had some extra land, so he decided to create an old animal’s home. He kept two elderly dolphins in a converted swimming pool, surrounded by a fence, and discovered through extensive research that the dolphins would live forever if they were fed a sea gull each month, so every thirty days, he would drive to the coast, capture two birds, bring them back and feed them to the dolphins.

One evening, after about six months of these missions to capture birds for the dolphins, he arrived back at the refuge to discover that he had left the gate to the Dolphin pool open, and an old, toothless lion was asleep across the entry. Not wanting to disturb the old lion, the man stepped over him in order to feed the birds to the dolphins.

Suddenly, he was surrounded by a circle of bright lights – the headlights of FBI, sheriff, highway patrol and police cars. The sheriff shouted out, “Hands up! You’re under arrest. We’ve been investigating you for six months.”

The puzzled man asked, “What are the charges? I haven’t done anything wrong!”

The sheriff replied, “You are being charged with transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.”