How to deal with an introverted person that keeps avoiding any kind of confrontation?

We’ll say something when we feel there is something worth saying.

Try to remember that, while you as an extroverted person feel very natural with open communication and social activity, we introverts are utterly exhausted by it. The more you push us to open up, the more wary we will be of doing so.

A quiet one-on-one talk is much easier to handle than being called into the middle of a big circle of chatting people at a party. Having about eight sets of eyes on you every time you open your mouth is more than daunting.

And small talk is just for the birds. I don’t care about the weather and neither do you, so why do people always start conversations that way? I have about 30 minutes of “people” time in me before I’ll need to take a walk alone outside, so just get to the part where the conversation is supposed to be interesting, can we?

There is a saying in the US called The Golden Rule. “Do unto others as you want done unto you.” It is a nice rule to apply in many circumstances, but it is not applicable when it comes to communication. In this case, The Platinum Rule should apply. “Do unto others as they want done unto them.”

Here is the reason. There is nothing wrong with being introverted or extroverted. Let’s say that each type makes up 50% of the population. There is a larger scale on which each of us falls. For example, my partner and I are both introverts, but I am closer to the extroverted range than he is. We just are all what we are. Thinking that coaching an introvert to “communicate more naturally” is applying your communication style to their personality type.

As for tips on how to interact, here is one. Coax them to provide their feedback in a one-on-one setting. Give them feedback in a one-on-one setting. It may feel unnatural to you, but it is what will make them loyal to your personal or professional relationship. It’s hard work for you, but trust me, it will go a long way.

As someone who is introverted but who can also be shy, I feel the need to point out the difference. A lot of people use the words “introverted” and “shy” interchangeably, but that’s a mistake, because they are two very different things. Striking up a conversation with someone who is simply introverted will be a little easier than striking up a conversation with someone who is both, or someone who is actually just shy – though both can present challenges to an extrovert.

That said, I agree with @Seek about small talk. I also find it absolutely pointless and boring, and it makes talking even more difficult for me. Engage me with something interesting and I’ll be much, much more likely to have a lively conversation. I also agree about the one-on-one conversations, because according to science, introverts truly (physically) get drained/ overwhelmed when there’s too much outside stimulation. Lastly, accept them for who they are and never try to change them, just as an introvert would never try to change you. The more willing you are to show that you’re trying, the more an introvert/shy person will pick up on it, and appreciate the effort.

@DrasticDreamer – My husband is in a band, and I (very occasionally) will attend events with him.

I need to sleep for, like, two days after every show I go to. Sure it’s fun at the time, but by the time I get home I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. And it’s not even like I talk to people very much. Just being in the same ROOM as 400+ people is exhausting.

@Seek I absolutely know what you mean. An ex of mine used to have quite a few parties, and I enjoyed myself much of the time, but I could definitely feel the drain after a while. Sometimes I’d have to go to bed while most people were still going at it. Just can’t do it all the time. Haha! :)

@Seek I knew it was you! As soon as you said, “my husband is in a band…”, I instantly thought of this question I asked a long time ago! :) http://www.fluther.com/100429/does-love-change-anything-for-you/

Another thing you can try is talking one-to-one with someone when you are both engaged in another activity either separately or together, like going for a walk or doing the dishes or working together in the kitchen on separate tasks or even driving in a car, it’s much more comfortable for some people to engage in more confrontational or intimate conversation when they are not facing the other person, no direct eye contact.

Haha, I could have just copypasta’ed

Does anyone has any tips that could get an introverted person to communicate more naturally?

You are implying that the introvert is not communicating naturally and that there is something wrong with them. That’s your problem, not theirs. You want to change them to make life easier for yourself. If you want to help introverts, don’t try to change the way they communicate. Just don’t talk to them if it’s difficult for you.

Not much you can do unless the person is committed to trying to modify their poor social/relational skills. I’m an extrovert too and my ex husband was the clam, head in the sand type. Doesn’t blend well with the ” let’s solve this problem NOW” type. haha

Really, it’s a breach of compatibility, whatever the relationship, and you either accept them as they are or move on before you go insane trying to “communicate” with a mute. lol
One of my best friends is on the introverted side and we get along great, she surprises me with some really profound stuff at times and also has told me she feels sad that she can’t meet my intellectual and creative needs more. I tell her she is more creative than she thinks she is.

She is also not passive aggressive, which is an introverted trait. I can handle others being quiet, I have my quiet side as well even though I am a socially comfortable extrovert, but damn, toss that passive aggressive crap my way and I will drop you like a hot potato.
Avoident types rarely change and it is impossible to make forward progress or build a healthy union with those that refuse to discuss anything they find uncomfortable.

I don’t think your issue here is divided on extrovert/introvert lines. Some people simply have no interest in learning anything new, or are only into small talk. I’ve known many extroverted people who would always avoid discussing serious topics and avoid confrontation too, simply because they only care about what’s on sale, how they look, gossiping about others, who’s dating who, etc.

I had dumped a girl over this ironically, and she was extroverted and I’m an introvert. The problem was she didn’t care about anything. Despite using a computer for 15 years she never even knew what Wikipedia was. All we did was fight.

This would anger me though because she would complain about everything, but yet never attempt to learn about nothing. She also had a bad habit of bringing up issues herself, and if I even politely tell her she was wrong about something she had brought up, instead of attempting to look at my argument what she would do instead is go batshit crazy on me and scream things like “I don’t even f’n care!”, and sometimes worse. This lasted a month, then I had decided I had enough.

I’m not sure what else to tell you, because extroverts can be simple-minded too. It comes down more to personality than introversion or extroversion here.

That’s a great answer Paradox25. I’m so sick of introverts getting a bad rap.

Despite our differences I believe we must respect everyone for what they are.
Just because I used the words “communicate more naturally” I didn’t imply there’s something wrong or unnatural with introverted people, please I would appreciate if you don’t adulterate and make assumptions out of my words. I’m not saying introverted people are the problem. This is a social problem that affects everyone in the group.
Where I come from this is definitely not a 50–50 thing, it seems far from it under my count, but I don’t expect to bring up any kind of introverts vs extroverts war in here that I was totally unaware in the first place.
I’m seeking help to deal with an introverted person.
Could it be that the best solution for everyone involved is just to give up on that?
Drooping an introverted person is definitely the easy way, but I’m trying to find solutions here, not running away from them, except if running away is the only solution.
I would never guess introverts were that sensitive to sounds, voices and people to the point they get “utterly exhausted”!
I have to be honest, this doesn’t sound very “normal”,“natural” or healthy, for all purposes. It seems awful and extremely hard. It must be really challenging to get a team-work job, and I’m also concern if this could be a motive for firing someone. Dealing with the stress, the sweating and the anxiety in critical moments when team-work is absolutely required is definitely not for everyone. This person acts in a way everyone thought at first it was some kind of phobia. I got to be able to help everyone to co-op with this matter, in the best possible way, avoiding fear and frustration from side-to-side. Learning more about the subject is crucial.
What about watching tv/film, or listen to the radio would it have the same effect of “too much information”?!?
Do you think it would be easier to perform group-reunions through skype?
Is one simply born the way it is or could someone develop from introverted to extroverted or the other way around?!?
It’s funny that someone mentioned the small talk, because not only me, but everyone who has ever tried that one-on-one approach with this individual all complained about the same: “Barely talks, and when does talk, it’s mostly small-talk about the weather.” But I guess you find that on every spectrum regardless of introvert or extrovert.
I don’t want to “change” people, I just want to create an environment where everyone feels safe and where the team can communicate without feeling pressured or frustrated!
Is there any hope at all to accomplish that with introverts, or their “nature” is simple not suitable?!?
Thanks for all your answers I really appreciate them! :)

1. We do not need to be “dealt with”.

2. You don’t have to run away from a person or stop being their friend. If you wish to remain friends with this person, simply be friendly. Don’t try to fix them, as they are not broken. They simply process their world in a different way than you do.

It’s not a sensitivity to sounds, voices, or people in general. It’s just that processing social interactions takes a lot out of us. Over-clocks our hard drives if you will. We may be introspective types who constantly overthink our own words and actions, and having multiple people to read for nonverbal clues can be difficult.

Many introverts do well in teamwork jobs, because they can be put in a situation with a clear aim, with established goals, and they are working in their bailiwick.

Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people, they just do not gain energy from interaction with other people. They do not crave attention.

Introversion is not an aversion to information reception. Watching TV or reading a book is not tiring. Those are solitary activities and quite enjoyable.

I don’t know about most people, but Skype and even chatrooms can be difficult for me. I like this sort of post-by-post format because it allows time to think through my response and assure that I’m saying exactly what I mean to say. That way, any misunderstanding is my own fault, and not based on whether I had enough time to get two words in edgewise while ten people are talking around me.

Now, as far as your individual situation: Is this a working relationship or a social relationship?

Well, if you tend to avoid introverts, and I promise they are also trying to avoid you, then I see no real issue here.

I think you may be using the word “introvert” to describe a person with some deep-seated social anxieties and maybe some sensory issues, and this seems to have caused some confusion in the responses.
If this is a person with whom you deal in a professional setting, I can see how difficult this would be, but I think you need more specific, tailored advice than can be found here. Perhaps there is a site where you can ask some questions specific to crippling social anxiety?
A brief Google search turned up this and others.

Good luck with this!

I’m an introvert and one thing that works with me is having a job to do in a social situation. If there’s something to be talked about, we can talk, but it’s also ok to just be busy getting on with the job. For example I went to an event organised by the PTA at my daughter’s school. I served at the bar and food counter and did the washing up. To have to have sat at a table with 10 people I don’t really know and made conversation all evening would be my own personal hell.

How does this person communicate in writing? Maybe some of the team’s discussions could be dealt with by e-mail? If you have to meet face-to-face, frequent breaks might help. When I spend an evening with friends, I’m flooded by relief if I just have five minutes to myself – walking the dog, for instance.

@Seek “Haha, I could have just copypasta’ed.”

Q: “How does a computer geek prepare dinner for two?”

A: “Copy/Pasta.”

Sorry.

I took the Myers Briggs a few years ago and got “introvert” for myself. However, I am not shy. It was described as someone who goes to a party and talks to one person, and then goes home, whereas an extrovert goes to a party, talks to everyone and then goes out with the group afterward. They also described an introvert as “who you get your energy from.” Do you get your energy from yourself, or from others? They said if you need some alone time every day, you are an introvert. I am definitely that way, however, I have no problem going up to strangers (as I have had to for my job for the past 15 years) and shaking hands, introducing myself, and discussing various issues. I like visiting or traveling with friends, but I do need some time off to myself daily with a book or computer, on the patio or whatever, and I am very content that way. I like parties, but I will go to one and have no problem sitting and chatting to one person or a few as opposed to standing in the middle of a group and “holding court.”

It seems as if what I know of “introverted” and what’s being described here is different. It does seem as if what is being described in some of the posts is anxiety. Literally running away from people seems more like anxiety than introversion.

I am not presenting this as an argument, I am presenting it as that I can very well be wrong but what’s described above is not what I learned.

@Seek I could not have said it any better myself.

On a personal note this is why I have such a hard time with my in-laws. They sit and talk about nothing. To them it’s perfectly natural to me it’s like having a cavity drilled. My whole family is introverted and our conversations are much fewer but much more interesting and productive. My spouse has a hard time understanding my need to be alone at regular intervals but she is very much an extrovert. I have found that extroverts simply will never understand what it is like to be introverted or what our social needs are. We introverts on the other hand are painfully aware of what the extrovert needs.

It used to drive my (as extroverted as a rainbow unicorn on rollerskates) husband crazy, too, but he’s come around and no longer looks at me sideways if I escape to my bedroom for a while when we have company.

But really, I’m also at my best in social situations when I have a job to do, like @Stinley says. When hubby’s holding court (I love that expression) at home, I put myself in the kitchen and make sure everyone’s well fed and has something good to drink. And then I smile, eat with everyone, thank them for the compliments, clear the table, and escape for some “me” time.

@Paradox25 You do bring up a good point. Quite frankly, as an extroverted female I HATE gossip, small talk, and have zero interest in fashion, and shallow bullshit. I am a knowledge seeking personality and I have known many people that have zero interest in learning anything new, no curiosity, no interest in much of anything. This can span both sides of the introvert/extrovert dichotomy. I am also a fan of personality theory and believe most of how we show up is nature oriented above nurture.

Intuitive types are big picture thinkers, abstract and future oriented.
Sensors are detail oriented, all about the here and now and are past oriented.
Temperament and brain stack functions in general plays a much larger part in compatibility than the I/E stuff.

NTs fo LYFE! * highfives @Coloma *

@ARE_you_kidding_me “We introverts on the other hand are painfully aware of what the extrovert needs.”

I guess I can talk about you sometimes.

I have taken the MB several times. I always score dead even on the Introvert/Extrovert scale. It suits me fine. I do like my time alone but can easily be the center of attention in a crowd. I am good at adjusting to the tone of those I am with and reading people.

—-@Seek Yeah!!!!—

This is a fast team-work thing but also with a very friendly environment.
Some people came to me to express their frustration about this individual who was not reporting correctly to the superiors or colleagues, nor by writing, nor face-to-face.
This person avoids not only direct questions by mails, but also regular meetings and social gatherings.
I believe the lack of knowledge about this subject led some people to frustration to the point no one wants to work directly because they feel they can’t rely on someone that constantly holds up to information and hides away potential risks and problems for way too long making them worse that they were in the beginning. People are afraid to rely professionally on this person. Some call it a problem-increasing type of person while others suspect it could be depression.
We do have medical assistance that could cover for it, as it happened before for several other cases, but I was told that when a co-worker suggested this option it was immediately refused. This person kept on claiming that was nothing but an introverted person, in a very passive-aggressive way.
That was when this introverted subject came to my attention.
Since then I’ve been asking people to be more patient, as well as I’ve asked the person in question to provide more collaboration.
Unfortunately, this is not working, it’s a difficult subject that I need to deal with extremely sensitivity and I don’t know how to reach this person, or even if I should suggest any kind of medical help at all, because I’m afraid I could be offending and making it even worse.
When somebody is unable to express their needs, it’s very hard for the others to guess what would be the best solution.
We do not ask particularly for extroverted people, and we do not want to discriminate anyone, however, in our offer we asked for people that have had experience in a team-work environment, and for people with good communication skills, which is clearly not happening.
I feel for this person, specially because in this economic crisis I don’t think it’s going to be easy to find another job.
And as much as I would prefer not to deal with this situation, as many of you suggested I let it be, I do have to deal with it. It’s my job to make it easier for everyone.
I came here looking for option C, because recently got instructions that A:I either have to let this person go, or B: I should offer medical assistance, that would allow this person to keep the salary for a few more months, and eventually help in overcoming this situation.
But since offering medical assistance could raise further problems as it did before, firing him for incompetence is definitely the easy way out of it.
So, being an introverted person, what would be for you the best way to receive this news, face-to-face or by letter? Would you prefer to be fired and probably start looking for a more suitable job as soon as possible where you would eventually fit in and be much more happier, or would you prefer to be given the option of medical assistance?
There’s also the possibility of changing his position to a different kind of job, in a night-shift, avoiding personal interaction, where no team-spirit is needed, but much less paid, as a cleaner, but I’m really afraid of this being even worse or offensive…! :(

This is a social problem that affects everyone in the group.

Introversion is not a social problem. I believe @canidmajor is right. You are describing social anxiety, not an introvert. They are two separate things.

I agree, ^^^, poor social and communication skills, as in no communication skill at all.
Maybe this person has some sort of underlying emotional/mental condition like Aspergers or?
Have you tried directly talking to them in a gentle yet direct manner and telling them that if they are unable to modify these issues they might be terminated or demoted?
Try to find something you can appreciate them for first, any little thing, such as they are considerate or keep the office/environment tidy or have a good record of being on time, few absences, anything POSITIVE no matter how small.

Like I said, it’s not the introversion itself. The problem relies in the lack of social interaction between both introverted and extroverted people. It creates a social problem, (or block, if you will) in the group.
I think that denying this is a problem is nothing but pretending everything is okay, when clearly there is a language barrier, it’s a bit careless, don’t you think?
If this person claims to be introverted, I wouldn’t dare to question it but I would like to find out more about it first. I believe that starting out with pointing out the good qualities would be a good ice breaker, this person is often complimented by punctuality.
From what I’ve read, it looks like introverts are better likely to get along with other introverts as well as extroverts with extroverts.
So there must be some kind of language introverts use to communicate with each other that makes it somehow easier. Extroverts use way too many words! Probably is something “more than words”, and we’re all so overwhelmed dealing with all the noisy craziness ourselves that we end up missing it!
Interesting point:I’ve made a short mind list about my more introverted type of friends I come to the conclusion mostly of them were single sons and daughters, or a first born, with a larger year gap before the second born. I think this could be related somehow. What would you also think of this?

I’m an only child, ( so, 1st born by default lol ) female extrovert and Meyers.Briggs ENTP. Exceedingly rare for females with only about 3–4% of the population being ENTP ( extroverted, intuitive, thinking, perceiving ) with females comprising only 1% of that group.
Yep, we use a lot of words, but, we are also born to entertain, it would be a dull world indeed without the Alicia Silverstones, Jim Carrys, Robin Williams and other verbose extroverts. Bottom line, everyone is their perfect self, it can’t be any other way and while we can modify some of our natural traits most of it is biologically predestined.

Ya gotta work with the hand you’ve been dealt, some do some don’t.

I’m an eldest of three INFJ, and female. My brother is 2½ years younger.

My 6 year old, an only child, is definitely an extrovert. He pretty much pukes rainbows and glitter around everyone he sees.

@Seek Haha…I was JUST super flattered at the gas station, chatting with a cute young guy with his truck all loaded up for camping this weekend. He told me I had a great energy. The old chick still rocks, pretty flattering compliment from a 20 yr. old. ;-)

Thank you for providing the additional details. It helps to paint a picture of what is going on.

As a manager, it is understandable how you feel. Others, like me, have felt the same way when managing a group consisting of different personalities. What we have found is that it is not a manager’s place to diagnose a personality type (or disorder) but to learn what motivates each team member and supply them with opportunities to succeed, be it in their current job or future career.

This may be way off base, but it sounds as if the opportunities are two-fold.

1.) Hold “Pat” accountable for tasks assigned and agreed upon. This should include how the status of tasks are communicated to the rest of the team. All of this should be documented.

If you are a project manager, it may be worth looking into software that handles this. Even a simple spreadsheet can work. It identifies the project(s), the tasks, who is responsible, and the due date.

2.) It may be worth holding weekly meetings with “Pat”. That way, it is a one-on-one conversation. Eventually, you will build a relationship with this person that extends beyond being the boss. It provides the opportunity for both positive and constructive feedback on a regular basis.

What I have found, both as a manager and an employee, is that the resume and job description may look like a good fit, this is not always the case. It is up to you and/or “Pat” to come to that conclusion.

Herpderp. INTJ. Typo.

@Coloma I can become very extroverted, when I’m in an environment I’m comfortable in, or when I’m around people I find it easy to talk to. I think too many people tend to stereotype extroverts and introverts, and too many times a person’s lack of motivation is confused with a lack of confidence.

I do find it difficult to hang with people who almost have no serious interests outside of their immediate world, or who you can’t have even the occasional serious discussion with concerning any serious issues.

I also find it aggravating to be with people who are unwilling to learn anything new, or hear another viewpoint without even considering they could be wrong, or at least hear why a person with another viewpoint thinks the way they do.

Some of these girls I was introduced to I simply didn’t have the remotest shot with. I can’t give up too much a part of what makes me who I am, and I guess it would be fair to assume I shouldn’t expect the other person to as well. It’s just like Dr. Clark (eharmony’s founder) stated: “Opposites may attract, then they attack”.

@Paradox25 Totally agree and I feel exactly the same way. I may be an extrovert but if I’m not going to have any chance of a fun, interesting, stimulating conversation with anyone I;d rather be alone. I can amuse myself very well too.
Oh yeah, never again will I go for the opposites attract thing, learned my lesson once, and learned it well. haha