How are you doing today?

I went to a house party with my husband last night.

Way too many people for way too long. We crashed there so as not to drive home. I only had a couple myself, twp Heinekins and a rum and coke – I was done before 8 PM – but I don’t drive a stick, and the only vehicle we have now is a truck with a manual transmission. So we were stuck there.

Anyhoo, I spent most of the night babysitting drunk people, passing out water, cleaning up spills so no one would slip on the tile floor, and getting people a place to lay down. And of course, every time I tried to find a quiet corner of the backyard to sit in with my Kindle app for a few minutes, someone had to start drunkenly psychoanalyzing me.

I got the last stragglers tucked into bed at about 5AM, and woke up myself at 9AM. For lack of anything better to do, I cleaned up the aftermath (except dishes and mopping the floor) before anyone else woke up. So. Many. Bottles.

In short: I’m fucking exhausted.

Today is another day that I miss my Mom. She passed away December 30 and I still have moments when I feel like I should be picking up the telephone to call her. I miss her voice, her hugs, her enthusiasm for the things I love and her nagging. I miss everything about her.

I spent the evening creating a facebook page for my landscape and nature photography. I fell in love with the outdoors and photography thanks to my Mom.

Everything sucks and I hate it. Fuck everything. But then I watched Krull, so now everything is all cool again.

All is well in the garden…

Need I answer?

I’m fair. Very busy and need to be doing paperwork and here I am….......... My sleep schedule is backward and I have hard decisions to make. I’m glad I don’t like alcohol. :)

Honestly? I’m mad. I shouldn’t be afraid to step out of my room in fear that I might have to speak with someone, and explain why I’ve cut everyone off. I shouldn’t have to feel this way, but I do, and it sickens me – I sicken myself.
I am swallowed hole by the fractured vertebrae of comatose funerals. Filled to the brim with nightmares playing like rag doll kittens in the tangled, ravaged sand dunes of my hair.

In short: I’m scared. All the time.

Just finished another test, and waiting for another.

This week is just extra busy. All the tests are coming to me. My revision time is coming to the deadline. Have to run. After this week is over I can rest.

To make the matter worse, this morning I got a stomachache right after the test.

In short: I’m busy, and hurting.

I didn’t sleep well and I already have a stress headache about going to work.

Remarkably, I am pretty damn great. Finally finished all my classes for my degree (yay!), enjoying the incredibly beautiful summer here in western Mass (fireflies came out last week; hummingbirds arrived yesterday), making great progress on the pen and shed for the goats and the chickens, meeting new friends most every day, working on a few different farms at this point…

In short : I feel like my life is finally livable, regretful I wasted the last five years of my life being depressed, and am very grateful to the universe to have now found this place.

@jonsblond My sympathies for your great loss.

Things were going pretty well, until we just found out today that my wife’s company is likely shutting down. Ugh.

So in the past year, she’s been diagnosed and is struggling with a neurological condition, loses her father, had a cardiac scare with me, and is now soon to be unemployed (again).

I’m in the mood to punch someone on her behalf — but I’ll probably just rewrite her résumé for her.

@jonsblond, your comment about missing your mom touched me greatly. I lost mine in March, and just this morning I woke up wishing I could call her… wishing I had done it more when I could.

Depression and anxiety alternate with each other as I grieve the losses – so many – of the past few years. And then fleeting moments of joy and confidence when I connect with close friends or conquer a new task.

Hangover.

Currently indulging in a Rod Serling breakfast.

Swell, I have mumps…only joking, it’s good for morale.

Everything is really, really cool.

I’m just back from a Zen retreat. I’ve spent the last 10 minutes sitting here looking for an answer to your question, and I can’t seem to find one, but I’ve enjoyed the looking.

I’m fair, could be better, could be worse. I’m not even sure why.

I’ve mastered a piano piece, discovered “Community”, and I am off to my grandma’s – where there will be a huge, marzipan-covered cake. Right now, I am very well.

Anxiety pushed out of my mind for the time being :]

@thorninmud That is a very Zen answer.

Meh.

Lot of negatives I have to address today, not fun or carefree.

But I have much to be happy about and feel blessed.

On a brighter note, I’m busy with freelance work today and it’s pouring outside—my favorite kind of weather.

Wired and tired. haha
I have been on a 2 week adrenaline jag, extreme stress while I seek new work and a new home again, for the 2nd time in 15 months. I am driving 2.5 hours on Weds. to check out a home and property in the further North Hills here in NorCal. I really, really, REALLY want this to work but, lots to consider and my funds are fading fast. If I make this move it will be a leap of faith combined with calculated risk. I don’t have much to lose really, but still another cliffhanger in Colomas crazy life of the last 15 months.

“I do not understand the question.”—Spock

I’ll be happier this time tomorrow night!

^^ That question was “How do you feel?”

@SecondHandStoke Same difference!

I feel happy to be alive and engaging in life whatever it brings.
Live in the present never mind the past nor the future.
One wastes the present time by worrying about both past and future of which one can do nothing to change , unless one makes steps today to initiate change.
Met a person so wrapped up in his past negative emphasis but hardly ever remebers the good positves in there lives.
I have learned to appreciate everyday for the opportunities that if presents to make someones day brighter, whether acknowledging them on the street or emailing etc
I am contented with my lot in life and do not regret all that is now in the distant past.
Acceptance of lifes ups and downs is better than fighting it.
I am at peace with myself.
I have a note on my refridgerator of which I read everyday…it says:
1. Make peace with your past, so it won’;t disturb your present.

2. What other people think of you is none of YOUR business.

3. Time heals almost everthing. Give it Time.

4. No one is in charge of YOUR happiness. Except YOU.

5. Don’t compare your life to others and don’t judge them, you have NO IDEA WHAT their journey is all about.

6:11 pm on the west coast, sitting on my deck 2 glasses in on some delicious Cabernet, and defragging from stress. Hovering around 80 degrees with a slight breeze. Nice.
Going to bed early to make the pilgrimage to a property I am considering moving to that is 2.5 hours away tomorrow morning.

@inspired2write

You must be on a personal growth jag, good stuff but textbook PG/spirituality 101. haha

I’m fine and happy here at my house just chillin watching some movies :)

I am freaking out and conflicted. After thinking I wanted to move to a new area another, even better, opportunity came up today. I will know more tomorrow and the suspense of what I am going to do is killing me. Have to go to bed now before I spontaneously combust from internal friction. lol

^ Well, thank you for the teaser! . .

@longgone Haha…well, suffice it to say that after making a commitment to a situation the other day something new has presented that is much more appealing and has me doubting the other thing. So I have decided I am not as thrilled as I thought I was about this other work/ living move and the new opportunity is double the salary of what I have been making.
I’ll know later today or tomorrow if I am changing directions again.

^ Well, thank you for the second teaser…! . .

@longgone LOL…hey, I am the one being teased here, waiting for my fate to unfold. God I hate waiting!

@Coloma Good luck!

@Coloma Fill us in when you can.

Okay…in brief, I have been offered a new job in a better area and it pays double what I am making now, I have a 2nd interview Monday, but had a personal call today and I think they want me. Sooo..I am going to back out on the other creative option and go for the nicer area, closer and better pay, IF I get it. They know I am on a time line and have until the 1st to snatch me up or lose me forever. haha

Good luck Coloma. I wish you the best.

@Coloma Will it mean you can have geese?

@dappled_leaves No, but..I will be closer to Marywn for visits by 30 minutes.

Just for humors sake, the community that I might be shifting to from the other area I looked at last week, well….instead of living in Berry Creek I would be living in….are you ready…Grass Valley. lol

Apt, I say. :D

@dappled_leaves Haha..yes, it is, and hey, Time magazine rated Grass Valley in the top 10 small towns to live in.

@Coloma
Personal Growth Jag?
Seems that the people in the Seniors Apt complex could use a little more of that Spirituality.
I have discovered that living in wait of ones death is negative and that these people that think like that ( they are healthy except for two of them) is digging there own grave everyday.
I have tried to show them through my example of hiking in the mountains nearby ( we live in a pristine Moutainopus National Park), by drafting three books so far to have ready for publication in near future, wrote 17 years + memoirs ( diary) to print in a book also,take phtosgraphs of the fantastic scenery, the Town people in everday activites ( sketches),floral, fauna,activities ( sports/Plays/concerts etc),took the Uwalk challenge,take writing challenges ( Nan No Me Org) of which I wrote 38000 words in 30 days but some have surpassed that (international ),contemplating taking West Coast trip to the Pacific Ocean ( as my brother offerred to teach me how to drive a three ton boat) have to obtain boating license soon ( online $50.00),took First Aide course,etc I feel young at physical age of 65 yrs but emotional age feel much younger in spirit , so I have lots to discover and goals to complete BEFORE I feel as these Seniors do ?( I hope that I never get to feeling that hopless in later yrs?)

@Inspired_2write I totally agree with you.
I also don’t judge, everyone is so different, it is unfair to compare.
I am turning 55 this year and while I too have always been active, possessed of a cheerful and creative personality style I am also getting damn tired after decades of extreme activity and some old injuries that are coming back to bite me.
Years of white water rafting, horses, rural living, ranch work and other assorted extreme activities have me feeling pretty used up some days. haha
Today is one of them.

I have been ranch sitting for friends for an entire week, single handedly caring for horses, donkeys, ducks and geese and chickens and gardens and an orchard and today I have already hauled hay, cleaned the barn, watered the garden, made a giant bowl of fresh egg salad, have steak stir fry and veggies marinating for dinner and at 2:52 p.m. PDT I am freaking DONE. The only energy I have left to spare is the energy it is going to take to carry my ice cold beer out onto the porch to watch the sunset, right after the evening feeding of course. Some of us wear out faster than others, if you use it you’re gonna bruise it. lol

@Coloma I momentarily thought I had written what you just wrote. ^ :-0

@Incoherency_ haha…we are twin butterflies, funny, what are the odds we would choose the same avatar? lol