Why do I only miss him when I'm under stress?

Bad habits are hardest to fight when stress is upon us. Ask any addict.

You claim to have got over him, but I don’t think so, judging by what you describe. “He” always seems to be triggered when you are stressed, regardless of the cause.

I think you try to let him go off your mind, but deep down, a part of you still want him to stay. Or when you are stressed, you need a shoulder to cry on, and because you haven’t got over him, you miss him.

That’s just some speculation.

thanks for the replies. I’m nowhere close to being over him. But when there is no stress in my life I feel acceptance, and I feel okay with the way things ended. But as soon as something stressful such as a job interview for example, I go into this “depression” state where I feel like I miss him so much, and feel really sad. Why do I only feel sad about it ending when something stressful happens and not all the time? For instance I only post online and ask questions like this during times of stress

@PinkBee333 Why do I only feel sad about it ending when something stressful happens and not all the time?

Like I said, at those moments you want someone to comfort you, and the desire, along with the fact that you are “nowhere close to being over him” trigger that feeling.

Maybe you have thoughts like “I wish we hadn’t broken up so that he would still be here and comfort me”?

In times of stress we seek comfort, it is natural. I was once asked by a therapist ‘If she or he were here now, how would they make you feel better?’

I sat and thought about it for a moment and said ‘They would reassure me that it will be okay and take me for an icecream.’

so, she said, go and do all that for yourself.

Once upon a time he was your rock, the man you loved, trusted and who comforted you when you were upset and down. So when you are stressed, this S/O is no longer there to comfort you and you miss what he provided at these times.

“Who’s your daddy?” Everyone wants to be taken care of, especially when under stress.
He’s the person who had that role last and you’re used to him being there.

Next step: develop your inner daddy.

I think that @dabbler is correct. Through out one’s life coping mechanisms are devised. When a situation arises that defeats the current mechanism, an earlier mechanism is attempted. Eventually, after a succession of failures to cope, one reaches the mechanisms created during the early years of one’s life. Some mechanisms are infantile. When frightened, or merely startled, the infant seeks the presence of one who protects. The lack of this presence increases fear, which motivates a coping mechanism’s creation, and crying usually proves successful.

It is sad when love is not enough to maintain a relationship. One’s mind has a tendency to filter out memories of pain leaving mostly happy ones. If onlys, could have beens, and other similar thoughts when stressed recreates love’s fantasy found only initially. Stay strong, you really do not need him along with the reasons the relationship ended. What you need is within you. Maybe counseling would help you to find it there, but know that it is there. Good luck.

Thank you all for the deeper insight

Thanks for your great answer, Bill1939. I’m going through this at the moment and it’s so hard :( but this reassures me.