My favorite fictional character is Conan the Barbarian. I first saw the movie with Arnie when I was 10, and my dad had tons of the black and white comics which eventually became mine. I kept buying more when I could, usually in used book stores. Then finally I read some of the novels.
First and foremost I love all the adventures Conan goes on. Fighting people, monsters, demons…even gods. Seriously. All he has is a sword…and his wit. And sometimes an axe. And a mace. And sometimes he just punches the fuck out of things. Then he gets mad drunk and fucks every chick around.
But that’s not all he’s about. Conan’s world is dark and cruel. I hesitate to label this as fantasy, even if that’s what it is, because a lot of fantasy is all the same, dealing with right and wrong and an element of balance to everything…in Conan, everything is just so hopeless. Everyone in every village is sick, poor and dying. Kids kill dogs for fun. Everyone is out to betray you and steal anything you have. Everyone is crooked, mean and bloodthirsty. Good does not exist, or if it does, it is usually extinguished by some soldiers or a tyrant in an off handed fashion.
And so is Conan. He is not a hero, he’s a product of his times. In his early days he was a pirate, raiding and killing shit. But unlike most people everywhere, he does not make anyone suffer, nor does he kill for fun. He kills when he is threatened, otherwise, if someone surrenders, he leaves them be…unless they’re some murdering coward who had it coming. He is not an avatar of justice, and a lot of the stories are Conan trying to figure out what morality is.
He himself is disgusted by everything, hence his cynical and angry behavior. But he is a just and fair man, and eventually attempts to make a difference by becoming a king by his own hands. Conan is not an intellectually smart person, but he is wise. His sword arm gets him through a lot, but his wit and wisdom, even more. I do not relate to him in any way. All I could hope for if I was in his world is that he would save me from some sorcerer or something.
They call my people savages, but at least we do not sell our own children.
Conan!! Will you promise to love me forever??
No. Any man who makes such a promise is a liar.