What is the best way to respond to the question, "How are you feeling?"?

Small talk is most often just talk. No feelings involved and actually from what I’ve seen, those who ask how you are really are hoping you don’t tell them anything other than fine.

How are you, by the way…?

“I’m fine” if true-ish or “Hanging in” seems to cover the bases for most people. I know that people who knew I was going through a painful time around my divorce were pretty satisfied with “Hanging in.” You could also say, “I’m hurting but trying not to dwell on it” if you want to be more honest and with true friends, as you want to, elaborate even more.

“Other than the gut wrenching terror I feel at the moment, I am fine.”

Why don’t you tell the people whom you know care about you exactly what you said here, about not wanting to identify as sick?
Tell the others, well meaning but not deserving of an explanation: “I’m feeling like today will be a good day.” Or some such. Not strictly a lie, per se, as the saying of it may actually help your attitude, then your day.

That may sound trite, but I have found that saying that, just as self-talk, really helps. I have lived with chronic pain and questionable health for decades. Approaching the day with a positive attitude (yes, I get that it sounds kind of psyco-babble barfy) may release endorphins or raise seratonin levels or whatever (I can’t seem to get those straight) which give some actual physical relief.

It sucks to live like this. Feel better.

In America “how are you, ” and the response, “I’m fine,” are used as salutations. It’s the same as saying hello. It’s not lying, it’s just participating in a custom.

Sometimes we are asked how we are doing with genuine concern, and we usually know when that is happening by the tone of the question and the person asking.

@JLeslie – Just to be clear, these are friends and family who seem to see me as @hominid, the guy who is suffering from all of these health concerns. When they ask, “How are you feeling,” it’s with a different emphasis and usually in private. I think it’s different.

My father is mourning the loss of my mother. I know it is very difficult for him. When I call and check on him his usually response is “It’s hard, but I’m surviving.” This is when I ask if he needs anything, or if he needs anything he will tell me.

@hominid I see. I am in that situation quite often. I go into detail if I fee like it, but if I don’t I just answer “I’m fine” or “I’m doing ok,” and then launch into what I have been doing lately or asking them what they are up to. Fine and ok don’t mean you are all better, it just means today isn’t the worst day of my life coping with all the shit that I have to every day,

“Moderately neato” G.C. RIP.

Great question. You recognize that there’s this personal narrative about “how you are” that gets written out of the raw data of experience over time, and that it’s often not helpful to dwell on that story. It can be much less painful to leave the story aside and stick to the raw experience.

But everyone in your circle of intimates also carries a story about “how you are”. They don’t have access to the raw data of your experience over time from which to build and update that narrative, so instead they ask you, in effect, “Please give us a peek at your own version of your story”. That fills a need for them, but it has the unfortunate effect of throwing you back into the story.

Maybe you could say something like, “Well, the pain is still there, but I find that I can work with better if I don’t dwell on it”.

If it is someone who is interested, I say jokingly, “Do you want the long or short version?” and then I give them the *very short version. My sister and I agreed a long time ago to limit our candid complaining to each other to only several minutes unless there is a pressing need for more, which we will request.

”*Thanks for asking. I’m fine. My knee hurts a lot. What’s up with you?”

Couldn’t be worse if I tried! Insecure, full of regrets, empty and angry!

“How am I feeling? With my hands.”

I don’t think most people really want to know, and if you tried to explain it to them, they wouldn’t understand anyway. My pat answer would be “Not too good but I’m getting by” or “not too good but I’m alive.” I’d leave it at that.

Practice this so it rolls off the tongue: – “Doin’ good! How you doin’?”
Then immediately follow up with questions for them:
How’s the job going?
How’s your Mom doing?
Did you hear that Charlotte got rid of the bum? She is so much happier now.

You have the right to keep your own health status private.

set PainLog = 0
where LogDateTime > (today -1)
end
//

Not everyone is looking for the details. Many are just saying “Hi.”

Thanks everyone! I’m going to experiment with all of these.

As a side note, while drafting this question and reading the responses, I think I caught a glimpse of something else that seems to bother me about the question. I think there may be part of me that is disappointed to have changed in the eyes of my friends and family. I’m that “sick guy”, and I suspect I really don’t want people to think of me this way. But this is foolish. I can’t control – or even really know – what ideas people hold about me. But I suppose when I am enjoying someone’s company and they lean in to ask me in concerned tones, “So how are you feeling?”, it’s disappointing. I wish I could erase the knowledge of my health problems from my friends and family so they could just communicate with me the way they did? I will definitely have to look into why I would be the least bit concerned with how people view me – other than the fact that it means unpleasant conversations. I’ll also need to have some conversations with some of my closest people – parents, friends – so that they will not feel obligated to ask me how I’m feeling any longer.

@hominid Or just tell them I’m fucking awesome. That’ll stop them in their tracks. Or fucking lousy would work too.

“As well as can be expected. And you?”

That is polite, honest, and puts it back on them.

I always answer with an enthusiastic, “outstanding”. Even if it is a lie, if I say it enough it just might come true.

Besides, 9 times out of 10 the question is just conversational filler anyway.

I like to tell them how poorly I feel and I express my sincere desire that I am no longer contagious.

For some reason they move along quite swiftly.

“Simply Elegant”

“We’re fine.” What? I told him that already! Everybody shut up!

With honesty

@hominid: “I think there may be part of me that is disappointed to have changed in the eyes of my friends and family. I’m that “sick guy”, and I suspect I really don’t want people to think of me this way.”
I can tell by this that you’re pretty new to this stuff. They don’t think of you as that “sick guy”, you do. They express concern because you have experienced a downturn in your health, and they care. Because of this seriously major change in your life, you are a different guy, to try and pretend otherwise will cause you to escalate the stress/pain cycle.
Make the conversations brief, but do your loved ones the courtesy of allowing them to be concerned, and ask from time to time. You are so very focused on your wants here (not unreasonably) that you have forgotten that you are part of larger organisms, your family, your community.

Remember, you are a different person, now. Your outlook has changed, your focus has changed, your perception of everything has changed. It’s another rung on the ladder of the human experience. Embrace the possibilities.

Unless you, yourself, are so lacking in compassion that you can’t understand it in others, you need to understand that this is how people very often express that they care about you. They’re not feeling “obligated” to ask, do give them a little more credit.

Not that I recommend it, but another approach is, “Have you got an hour? Sit down, let me buy you a latte, let me manacle you to the chair. I am so glad you asked. I even have my most recent medical records and blood work on my iPhone. I also have real wallet-sized colored pictures of my MRI, PET and CAT scans. Would you like me to autograph them for you? It’s no problem at all.”

I know from reading some of what you’ve written on Fluther that my experience of pain is nowhere near yours, but this:

They are asking me to go back x number of days or so and create a summary of some kind.

select sum(PainLevel)
from PainLog
where LogDateTime > ‘2014–07–01’

is something I immediately recognized from personal experience. I am not good at responding to it, and generally do so with visible irritation. I know that the askers think they’re being kind in trying to ask about it, and I know that my response is off-putting for them and that they don’t understand it. But it’s all I’m capable of doing. It seems no matter how I try to explain to them why I don’t want the question, they get offended.

@hominid If your ailments are not visible and you say you are fine when asked over the next couple months most people in your life will forget you were sick. Even if you still are, family and friend’s like to think you are ok, and so they will. The thing about chronic illness and chronic pain is you can be in tremendous discomfort and fake it for the crowd right? We put on our happy face when with others, and no one knows; hell, some people don’t even believe; you are in pain. Unless you actually have a knife sticking out of your side. Out of sight out of mind. I should say the happy face can be very real, it’s not always just a show.

Well, your’e not dead. Consider it “fine” that you’re living.
“Fine” is always my answer. That’s what I think when someone asks me how I feel and I feel like shit.

In a more casual context, I might say that I’m fine, pretty good, hanging in there, or that I’ve seen better days.

When it comes from family or close friends, I feel awkward. I truly don’t like attention of any sort and I hate the idea of people pitying me, but I appreciate their concern. I usually just gives a brief progress report, starting with some days are better than others, and tell them what upcoming appointments I have, so they know I’m getting care.

I suppose it helps that socially, I am considered the one with medical knowledge, so at least I don’t have do listen to unsolicited advice. I also read on a lot of ‘invisible disabilities’ and chronic illness sites that most people find that friends and family don’t believe them. One of those sites is even titled, “But you don’t look sick”. So I appreciate that my inner circles respects my word when I say I’m not feeling well and that they are concerned.

I also don’t like being asked how I am. I tell people I want to talk about other things, not health, if I really need help I will ask for it. It’s when people get that really concerned look on their face and narrow their eyes and look at me, really intently, and ask “And how are you?”. I often find the best way to handle the situation is to simply smile and ask them something, totally unrelated to health.

I once knew a guy who always answered such an enquiry with “fair to middling”.

“UP”