Can one learn to behave confidently even when feeling insecure?

Wow! You hit the nail on the head. My lack of confidence and low self-esteem have led me more than once to make a complete and utter fool of myself. Even when I shoudn’t feel that
way, if I am put on the spot, I could even reach the point of not being able to write my name!
I think the first of your two options would be easier to achieve than the second. I appreciate your sense of urgency in this question, as a lack of confidence can easily affect your livelihood!

Focus on what you do well, and hone where you feel you need to. You can learn this stuff. You’ve overcome so much. I have faith in you.:)

Is there a certain part of your abilities that you feel most unconfident about? Focus on that especially, and practice it until you could practically do it in your sleep. Work on it again and again and again. I think in a lot of cases, confidence just comes with time and familiarity.

In my case, I have a very talking intensive job, and I’m shy. When I started two years ago, I was nervous all the time, because it would be like, “what if this person doesn’t want me to bother them?” or “what if they ask a question and I don’t know the answer?” And I still have moments like that. Confidence is like a muscle, you can build your strength through practice and repetition.

Your profile says you’re 22, so I’m guessing you graduated and began your career pretty recently. The more situations you handle successfully, the more confident you will feel. And once you have a proven track record somewhere, things begin to change. The people around you will ask for your expertise, defer to your opinion, and come to you for guidance. And all the while, your confidence in your own abilities will be growing.

I don’t know if you can fake confidence, but you can be assertive in the workplace while improving your abilities. That doesn’t have to mean being pushy or bossy- assertiveness takes many forms. You can ask intelligent questions, take initiative in your work, cc your boss or coworkers on relevant e-mails, ask for more training, and most especially keep your boss up-to-date about your accomplishments. So even if you feel unconfident, you will still come across as intelligent and self-motivated, which are rare and important qualities in the workplace.

Absolutely! Fake it till you make it. Stand tall, big smile, firm handshake, look people in the eye.

There was a recent book written that I cannot recall the name of right now that discussed some differences between men and women. One point made was that in terms of career, men tended to apply for jobs they had only a percentage of the skills for, let’s say 60% (I don’t remember the exact percentages) while women almost always felt like they needed to have 100% of the required skills to even contemplate applying. Generally speaking women are much harder on themselves and less bold, less daring. It was interesting to me, because I know having been married many years the difference between my husband and me in confidence is incredible. I never thought of myself as very insecure, but I see how much more confidence my husband has. He has no fear, he believes he can acheive all the things he goes after, and he is motivated to prove naysayers wrong. I stand in awe of it sometimes.

I think you are so incredible @Mariah from what I see of you on fluther. Smart, introspective, interested, interesting, goal oriented, hard working, kind, and I could go on. That is my impression of you. I hope you see yourself with all the positives too.

I parrot @JLeslie 100%, fake it til we make it, that’s all we can do.
You are precious @Mariah , don’t be so hard on yourself kiddo!
Shhh..big secret, even I, the socially confident type that can fake my way through most anything while not being insincere either, even I fear looking incompetent at times. For an extrovert I absolutely loathe having to “market” myself. I am a very genuine type and can’t stand the social games we have to play at times. I think the key is to be as genuine as you can, and that includes letting others see your vulnerabilities at times, domething I am still working on in my freaking 50’s.

How I deal with acceptance is that I don’t care about others personal opinions of me at all. (This isn’t to say that I’m a crabby person, I’m not at all. You don’t have to adopt some sort of punk rock attitude about it either) What I’m saying is you have to know who you are, and what you’re good at. Focus on that and that is all that matters in life. Love yourself, realize this is all temporary it will all go away eventually, so put your best foot forward and do what you like to do! :)

@pleiades I agree, I don’t give a rats a$$ what others think of me either, but..I do like to comport myself in a manner that says, “bright and confident”, which is effortless MOST of the time, but not always.
It is not about impressing anyone, but for my own sense of dignity. I long ago gave up caring what people think as well.

@Coloma I’m on board! “It is not about impressing anyone, but for my own sense of dignity. I long ago gave up caring what people think as well.”

Although I’m skeptical myself, I think both @Mariah and @ZEPHYRA might try hypnotherapy. Nothing ventured…and it’s reasonably priced with a black and white outcome.

Yes—it’s called fake it till you make it. My theory is that everybody does it.

Yes. I have done it many times out of sheer necessity. Someone had to take the ball and run. Thank goodness I always ran in the right direction.

Yes, fake it until you make it but also try to develop some mentoring relationships with people in your field who you respect and admire. That way you can ask for advice, guidance with your work. Sometimes learning how other people managed all those oddities of working in particular fields can really help us develop our confidence. Think about employing a life coach. Someone you can talk to and who is focused on your best interest. Sounds crazy but it can help your confidence.

Do you feel you are being objective in your assessment of yourself in relation to your peers? Have you heard from anyone at all that you lag in ability? It seems rather odd that you would have such passion for a field in which you do not excel.

Yes I too agree with others opinion,Fake It.Try to be confident around people and don’t care what they think about you, the more you care about their opinion of yourself the more you become “dependent” on their approval and become less confident in some ways.

Thanks for all the advice everybody. For me, this has proven to be a difficult cycle to break out of, because like I said, I undergo a severe personality change when I’m insecure and become super awkward. Being that awkward person doesn’t exactly help me feel any better about myself, so I feel even worse etc etc vicious cycle. I really don’t know yet how to fake it when I’m not actually feeling it, so that’s a skill I’d like to learn.

I saw a TED talk recently in which a woman talked about the influence of body language. Smiling, even insincerely, can cause a person to start feeling happier. Similarly, it’s been found that confident poses not only project an image of confidence, but can start spurring actual feelings of confidence internally. So that’s a concept I’m trying out.

I haven’t graduated yet (1 year behind in school due to health problems) so luckily I still have time to figure it all out before the “real world” hits me. These questions arise from my experiences at my summer internship.

My problem with programming is that I’m not passionate about it the way lots of my peers are. I like it, I enjoy it, but I rarely do it in my leisure time, I’m not the person who’s always drooling over the latest gadget, etc. Some of my peers are just obsessed and spend all their free time on techy things. I will never be that person. I fear I’ll never “catch up” to their skill level because I’m not willing to become a single-minded person who cares only about comp sci. There’s so much more I want to be.

I can’t simply “not care what others think of me”... this isn’t high school, I’m not just trying to make friends, it’s my future boss who will fire me if I’m not good enough.

Luckily I’m pretty confident in myself as a human – I think I’m pretty fly – but myself as a programmer is still a big issue for me.

@Mariah I have known people who are competent employees, but their standards are so low they’re a liability to their company. One guy had lousy personal hygiene and indulged in angry diatribes against the HR lady. The next guy was flat out lazy and never completed anything on time. At least that guy showed up for work, but the next guy was always late with more excuses than you could count. And so it has gone, for years.

So don’t sell yourself short my dear! You come across as hard working, and sincerely want to do the best job she can for her company, which would be a bonus for any employer.

You should use your insecurities to motivate yourself to improve as a programmer. Being good is good but not as good as wanting to get better. For what it’s worth I think you have the right kind of mind and the right attitude for this kind of work. You’re hired!

You can indeed. I’ve suffered from anxiety issues all my life.

After years of faking it I found an medication that convincingly addresses the problem.

Now, I’m essentially invincible.

If this isn’t something you’re passionate about, why are you doing it? You’re obviously a very smart woman so why are you doing something that isn’t the thing that turns you on?

Goal setting might help too. Setting goals to achieve that will affirm how far you’re travelling in terms of your growth/knowledge/skills. Apply for awards, grants etc. Network. Put yourself out there so you’re seen. The more people start to see you achieving, the more external recognition you’ll receive and perhaps that will help to enhance your own personal inner self-confidence in your work.

I do wonder if there isn’t a field that would inspire you more? We work for a very long time. I know I’d rather work at things I love than those I don’t. My job has many downfalls. Too many hours. Very bureaucratic. Lots of office politics. Very competitive and people aren’t necessarily going to say you’re doing a good job. But I love the work I do, I think it matters a and I know I’m good at it because of the outcomes I personally achieve. That outweighs the crappy side of the job. We always do better when we’re working on something we love and then it often doesn’t feel like work.