Young adult's behavior at home: At what point would you find it unacceptable and what do you think is a good resolution?

Sometimes I wonder at what point in human evolution did having a dump in public become unacceptable behavior?........

I wouldn’t usually allow myself to get walked over like that. However, I do believe there has to be some kind of backstory here. Children don’t turn into dictators over night. So, without knowing the situation – I have no idea.

His parents are co-dependent on their son.

If it were me, I would call the cops on my son. As for “ruining his life” he’s already doing that, and calling the cops on him may be a wake-up call that might (I hope) “save his life”. Moral of the story:

You teach people how to treat you!

It sounds intolerable. I could pontificate but not being in the situation, I can’t advise anything useful.

If they have no authority over their child – that is, they can’t reason, plead, threaten, or cajole him into changing his behaviour – then what can they do but call the police or have him committed? That or wait until he kills himself or someone else.

It’s a dreadful situation. It sounds like they have painted themselves into an awful corner – none of the choices they have are palatable. But it is worse for them to do nothing, I think. The ideal choice would be to get him into therapy, but from the way you’ve written the details, it rather sounds like they’ve given up hope on him.

I just wrote my response and it vanished! I’ll try again.

I have my doubts this is new behavior. Too bad they didn’t address it more when he was a minor if it has been going on a long time. Are your friends violent during arguments? Throwing things? I’m not assuming, just asking.

My biggest concern is he is an addict. For now I will assume he isn’t and say that if he were my child I would do something to get him out of my house. Either college away and living on campus, or some sort of job. The work could be for a finite time, maybe three months, where hopefully he can live in housing provided or live with other people his age who work there. Camp, a resort, a farm, something where he can make some new friends, work hard, feel like he is accomplishing something, have adults around him who can impart some wisdom, and hopefully begin to develop goals for the future. I would even fund the housing, or help fund it.

Don’t misunderstand, it is not for me as the parent, it is for him. The dynamic will be very hard to change while he is still living at home. I think children mature a lot when away from their parents. Usually they do, no guarantee.

@snowberry nailed it, classic co-dependent behavior. If your friend is sick of it, there is plenty she can do. Get a restraining order, kick him out of the house, cut them off from funds. The son has no reason to quit unless the parents finally get fed up an send it. Yet she doesn’t want to end it!

Suggest to your friend she go to Al-Anon, and she’ll have a chance of learning what she needs to do.

Codependents think if they get tough the offending party will stop loving them. But they aren’t love as is, they are just being taken advantage of.

www.melodybeattie.com

This is classic enabling behavior and she needs some
type of awakening. Short of
that, I don’t see much
changing until he actually does
get arrested for drug dealing.
Perhaps send her a book such
as “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie or something
similar.

(It’s also available as in app for
iPhone or ipad)

Or call Dr. Phil and see if they
can do an intervention. Stranger things have happened.

@JLeslie: They’re not a violent family. Very peaceful, probably too passive, actually, as parents. They offer guidance but are very laid back. The kids are definitely spoiled and this older one always threw fits when he didn’t get his way or get what he wanted (new phone, car accessories, etc.)

One other thing the kid does is when he gets mad at his mother, he calls her lovely names like “cunt.”

If it were me, I would probably call the cops on him, especially if he did some crap like take my keys, or have guests over that didn’t want to leave.

It sounds like they raised an emotional terrorist. We reap what we sew – and by giving in to his demands and placating him, they created an entitled monster, like so many young people are these days.

Your question asks how would I handle this problem, but I can’t really answer because I would never get in that situation in the first place. We are given 18 years to teach a child how to be a responsible member of society, and those lessons begin at birth – by modeling and teaching kindness and compassion. As they get older we give age-appropriate responsibilities, and teach accountability through consequences when poor decisions are made.

I would not tolerate such behavior from anyone at any age, and as an adult, they would not be living in my home if they didn’t respect me. If they were breaking the law, I would report them, and I would press charges if I were the victim of their crime.

“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” -Chinese proverb. The sooner they get tough with him, the better the chances that they might save his future. Continuing on this indulgent path ensures that he will be dependent in others until no one else will tolerate him anymore.

@CuriosityKills

Yup. You got that right !

Hopefully they’ll wake up and smell the coffee and give him his walking papers and then change the locks. Hopefully…

I’ll update (what else would an Update Lady do?) from time to time on this as progress unfolds (or does not unfold). In the meantime, please keep commenting and suggesting on this post.

@jca The kid really sounds like an addict. Is there addiction in the family?

I feel really badly for her. The very thing she is worried about, creating some sort of police record, is where they are headed, because she didn’t do something drastic long ago. I can only imagine how hard it is. I always say that if my husband and I had a really difficult child we wouldn’t know what to do, because we were basically good kids who didn’t have many rules. I don’t think we would know how to be very strict, I would hope to God though that I would not bury my head in the sand if my kid was on a downward spiral. But, the is no point in beating her up about the past, she needs to do something now. Parents feel enough guilt, and the past cannot be changed.

Her son is obviously in a lot of pain. Something needs to be done. I wouldn’t be so focused on how he disrespects his mother, but more focused on getting him some help. They need to get to the root of it.

Will the son see a therapist? I would get one experienced with addiction or adolescence if he will. I still think getting him out of the house is the best thing if he isn’t actually addicted to anything. Were his grades decent in HS? Can he get accepted to a college? Maybe they can send him to a counselor who helps kids decide what college to apply to? Or, a career counselor? A relative to help him get applications done or a resume done. I see a lot of parents frustrated their children are not doing what they need to do to get into school or get a job, and all I always think is that kid is afraid and likely he is also depressed. My dad took me to see college campuses. If he hadn’t I don’t think I ever would have gone away to college. I remember being on vacation in FL and him suggesting I go to the FIT campus to see it and I didn’t go. I was afraid. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do once there. Eventually, he took me to Cornell and MSU to visit. I actually call it dragged me to visit those campuses. If I had not been in therapy I don’t think I would ever have finished my application to MSU. It was the only application I completed and mailed out. I was working and in community college at the time though, and there was no drugs or addiction to worry about.

@JLeslie: There’s no addiction in the immediate family. The parents both have Master’s Degrees and they’ve both been busy over the years working their jobs. However, they did (and still do) travel with the kids and give them good childhoods as far as guidance, community activism, etc. The parents may have a glass of wine with Sunday dinner but that’s about it. Even in restaurants, they’re likely to drink Diet Coke.

The mom wants the kid to go to a State school (state university). He did ok in High School. Whether or not the kid is going to be willing to go to college at this point is unknown. Since he is not away at school, the kids that are around are the kids that don’t have much going on themselves.

I know the kid has a substance abuse evaluation coming up due to his legal issue with having the 15 year old drinking in his room. Hopefully the results of the evaluation will that he will be mandated to some kind of treatment and he complies.

I hate the blame the parents game. Sometimes good parents turn out rotten kids. The big question is what to do now?