What's the perfect age to have a child?

When you’re mature and settled enough to be a responsible parent and provide a stable, nurturing home, but when you’re still young enough to have the energy needed to care for children.

I had kids at 16, 32 and 34. Each had its own challenges and benefits. Seriously.

I just typed an 8000 word piece of garbage that I deleted to just say that I agree with your disclaimers about “it depends”.

The only thing I will mention is that I have great experience with people being caught off guard about the limits of fertility and the challenges of actually getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term after 35. * Note: pregnancy and babies around 40 happen, but you’d be surprised how challenging it can be for a large segment of the population.

Additionally, I have a few female friends who are now > 40 and are now in a complete panic. They had wanted kids and had found that as time was getting faster, their relationship options were getting slimmer, and now they find that they are either going to have to go it alone (having the baby) or settle.

We had all 3 kids when I was 31 to 37 years old. My health declined drastically at 41, so I can’t help but wish I had had my kids when I was younger.

What @SadieMartinPaul said. I see too many young young (under 20) ones that regret having had a child so young, and as much as I believe that our reproductive rights should not be messed with, I, personally, question the wisdom of having a (to be fair, first) child really late, as the energy required is high, and the chances of dying from all sorts of causes increase dramatically as one ages.

Mid-twenties

Physically, I’d say between 25–30, for the mother’s body to be in optimal condition for handling the pregnancy and delivery, and for the eggs to be at peak viability.

The father’s age isn’t really relevant, biologically, it’s more about how healthy his lifestyle is for the viability of his sperm.

The other variables, like emotional and financial stability often don’t happen until after 30 (if at all); but 35 is the age of the mother when risk factors increase significantly.

@CuriosityKills: “The father’s age isn’t really relevant, biologically, it’s more about how healthy his lifestyle is.”

This isn’t entirely accurate.

@hominid – that article gives vague information, doesn’t indicate that there is an optimal age, and references “random genetic mutations” that occur over the course of the sperm maker’s lifetime. As I mentioned, the male’s general health at the time sperm creation is probably far more relevant than age.

I don’t have time to read the referenced studies, but I can’t imagine how they could have possibly controlled for health and lifestyle factors in a longitudinal study. Perhaps the man partied over the weekend and donated the sperm a couple days later, perhaps they were coming down with a cold at the time the sperm was collected, maybe they had been exposed to toxic fumes prior to donation; there’s just no way to control all that.

I was 40 when my son was born, 42 when my daughter came around. I think if I could have chosen an age it would have been about five years younger for each.

I’ve had plenty of energy, no problem being there for my kids. It’s that now that they are in their teens, I’m looking at working another ten years as most people I know are edging into retirement.

All in all though, my kids have kept me younger than my chronological age.

@CuriosityKills: “I don’t have time to read the referenced studies”

Please do. The jury isn’t out on this. You might want to look into how and why fathers pass more mutations overall to their offspring. This might help, but the scientific literature is pretty helpful. You should be able to find plenty to answer your questions.

It is different for everyone. But to generalize, I would say 25.

My dad, a recently retired doctor, told me back in his day they considered a primip (first time pregnant mom) over 30 a “risk”. I’d have to say times have changed—because I know people who had their first baby at all ranges of ages (16 – 56)...
Those that were young regret they didn’t have the resources and maturity and felt they “grew up with” their kids..
Those that were older wished they had their kids younger to have better health and more energy to keep up with them (and not be mistaken as their grandparents at school functions).

Whatever age you choose, I’d say it’s best to have the kids in relatively close succession—because interests vary too widely between say, a 16 year old and a 5 year old. It’s hard to do stuff together as a family when the Children’s Museum is a first choice for only 1 of your progeny.

(FWIW, I adopted an 18 mo. old at 28, had my first baby at 29, second at 32 – those years when they were all little are a blur, but a happy blur.)

I think it’s great if you can have five years or so together as a couple and then have your last child by about 34. Not usually the case for most professional couples these days who tend to marry later but all other things being equal, that’s my opinion for quality of life on both ends of the child rearing.

Old enough to not have them feel like a burden, young enough to have the energy & stamina to enjoy them to the max.

Having your first child before 30 cuts down your risks for Down syndrome and breast cancer.

Personally, I would want to be finished with school. And have some time to enjoy marriage without jumping straight into parenthood. So closer to thirty.

Before age 32.

Once you know you want them, are happy in your reationship, and have been married at least two years I think start trying.

God forbid, if you have trouble, you might not get pregnant for years. Most likely you won’t have trouble and you might get pregnant the first try, but even if you do the baby is not born for another 9 months.

God forbid you become and I’ll or are in an accident, the ability to have your own children might be taken from you.

Over age 35 the statistics for genetic problems goes up drastically. From 30–35 there is a slight increase in difficult getting pregnant and genetic troubles compared to your 20’s. At age 40 the stats are ridiculously bad.

Don’t wait too long if you want babies. I think a great age is 27–30.

Typo: should be ”...become ill or are in…”

My dad had me when he was 40 and his mum had him when he was 40. It runs in the family…

I had my children in my early twenties onwards. It means they’re now all grown up and doing their own things and I’m young enough to still do things I want to do careerwise and to travel (which I love). I know many people put off having children, but I’m glad I had mine young when I had the energy for them. I don’t think I’d have had the patience for the lack of sleep and demands of babies and young children later in life. I also really love being with my grown up children now. They’re fun and wonderful people.

When a baby is in its first six months, the parents get little to no sleep. That is for the energetic years of your twenties.
When a child is in their mid to late teens, parents get even less sleep. Keeping up with their shit takes endurance you don’t have passed your forties.

@filmfann It must be very difficult when senior citizens raise their grandchildren or great-grandchildren. Imagine being age 70 and staying up all night with a newborn; or chasing after a toddler; or dealing with the drama of a rebellious adolescent.

I’m sure that some unwed, teenage mothers mature quickly and figure out how to raise their kids. But, all too often, someone who should be long past child-rearing has to step in and take responsibility.

@SadieMartinPaul My 62 year old sister is raising her 5 year old grandson, because of his mother’s/her daughter’s drug addiction. The parents who failed at raising their children right end up raising the next generation. Society is doomed.

I heard that newborns don’t sleep. My daughter was on formula and slept like a log, all night, from Day 1. All she did in the beginning was eat, sleep and go to the bathroom. Gradually her awake times became longer and longer but at night, she slept like a baby, literally!

After hearing horror stories about no sleep, I was elated. Just FYI don’t listen to horror stories about lack of sleep because that is not necessarily going to be the case.

@jca The horror stories aren’t about newborns not getting sleep. It’s about the new parents getting no sleep. Most newborns sleep quite a bit.

@fluthernutter The parents don’t sleep, because they are tending to the newborn.

@JLeslie Haha, yes. Thanks for the clarification? Whether or not your baby sleeps well, you still have to rouse the log every few hours to eat.

@fluthernutter Some babies are more sickly, or have physical problems that don’t allow the baby to rest as well. I’m sure you know this. Plus, some parents fail to sleep when the baby sleeps, which can either be because of their own stubbornness, or because they have other obligations like work and other children. I think @jca was only pointing out the first few months don’t have to be as exhausting as everyone makes it out to be. It depends on the baby and the parent. Nature conveniently made baby feeding times around an hour and a half apart and an adult sleep cycle about an hour and a half. People who don’t go through all stages of sleep don’t get good restorative sleep. So, if they constantly get just a half hour sleep, because they don’t put their own noggin down on the pillow when the baby rests, they will within days feel extremely sleep deprived. Of course real life isn’t always so nice and neat, but there is some logic it seems to the rythym of the sleep patterns of infants and young adults in their fertile years.

@fluthernutter: @JLeslie hit the nail on the head. I was pointing out that when the baby sleeps, the mommy sleeps. When the baby sleeps from 12 a.m. to 5 a.m., the mommy is sleeping too. For me, the first few months were cake. I was elated because of all the horror stories that I heard and it was so pleasantly surprising. I slept very well.

@JLeslie and @jca I was responding to jca’s post that seemed to imply that parents can get sleep if the baby does. edited because I read that wrong I didn’t know an adult cycle of sleep was an hour and a half. It still feels like sleep deprivation!] Even if a newborn sleeps for long stretches of time (ie 12–5am), you need to wake them up to feed every couple of hours. To make sure that your newborn is getting the proper nutrition, all new parents are sleep deprived, regardless of how the baby sleeps (or other issues like colic). Unless your partner is handling all of the nighttime feedings?

@fluthernutter: I am a single mother. My daughter slept from 12 to 5 a.m. and I didn’t wake her up to eat. Her nutrition levels and growth were fine. Maybe you are missing my point or I am missing yours. My adult sleep cycle was not interrupted much by her, because she slept so well. I was not sleep deprived. My point is that I was pleasantly surprised because of everyone saying “you’re not going to sleep, you’re going to be exhausted.” It was wonderful.

@jca: You were fortunate, and/or maybe you enjoy good sleep on a regular basis. I was drastically sleep-deprived, as I could not simply “fall asleep” when it would have been possible. Most of the moms I knew with young babies were like me. We _tried_to sleep when the babies slept! it just didn’t come easy. I envied the few I knew who could manage it.
@JLeslie: you seem to have the idea that sleep dep for parents of newborns was the result of poor planning. For some of us the HUGE upset in our body’s natural rhythms caused by pregnancy and childbirth and lactating had a major impact on all of our physical functions, digestion and sleep cycles being the two biggest, in my case.

@canidmajor: Yes, I know I was fortunate and not everyone was so lucky. My point is that sleep deprivation for parents of newborn is not guaranteed. There are parents like me who may be lucky enough to have it easy. New parents should not dread sleep deprivation as they may not experience it, or maybe not experience it much.

There is a huge range of experience here. Some babies are quite fussy and some are not. And as @JLeslie and @jca point out, there are lifestyle choices that also affect the level of sleep possible during the early months of having a baby.

My wife and I co-slept with our babies. There was very little “waking up”. A simple minor fuss was met with breast in mouth, peace, and sleep.

As @jca mentions, “New parents should not dread sleep deprivation as they may not experience it, or maybe not experience it much.”.

@jca Sorry for the confusion! I was being lazy and responding to both you and JLeslie. First off, major respect for single parenting. I never know how people do it!

So, yes. Back to your response. Our good friend’s baby slept like a champ. They thought they had won the baby lottery—until their pediatrician said that they had to wake their baby up to feed every couple of hours. What’s worse than a baby waking you up so they can eat? Having to wake up a baby that doesn’t want to eat! I think your situation is different for two reasons. One, you were using formula. I think that is harder for infants to digest, so it keeps them feeling full for longer. Also, I think this whole wake-to-feed thing is newer. Were you a new parent over…say, 7–10 years ago? I think back then, most pediatricians believed in the don’t-wake-a-sleeping-baby kind of thing.

@hominid When my husband would travel for work for weeks at a time, I switched from next-to-bed co-sleeping to same-bed co-sleeping to get better sleep. Better, yes. But I still wouldn’t call it good sleep!
Maybe I’m just a sleep wuss and need more sleep than other people? Pulling all nighters and being fine seem so long ago.

@fluthernutter: My daughter just turned 7 in May, so she was born 7 years ago.

Yes, the formula definitely makes them feel fuller, because of what it’s made of. Also, they don’t have to work to get it, like they do with breast milk. It just pours into their mouth, pretty much.

Like I said, her nutrition levels were great and she is a healthy kid. I think, even if they told me to wake her (now, if she were born recently), I don’t think I would.

@jca Yeah. It feels wrong to wake a sleeping baby.

The efficiency of breastfeeding (volume to effort) is different for each situation. Amount of mother’s milk, baby’s ability to latch, etc. Even formula varies. Our friend has a three-week-old that chugs her bottle, then spits it all up. Seems like you did win the baby lottery! :)

@canidmajor Not at all. I think some parents fail to recognize it is vital to sleep when the baby sleeps to hopefully not be exhausted, because realistically what other way can you hope to get enough sleep, but sometimes it is impossible. I also think there are a lot of people who don’t have the faintest idea of the different stages of sleep and don’t put enough value on long naps (about an hour and a half for most people). I said that some babies are more sickly, some in pain for various reasons as their bodies adjust to their new environment and trying to digest “foods” and can disrupt their sleep. Add in moms obviously have multiple responsibilities, and it isn’t a problem of time management, just a problem of reality, and we can’t avoid reality. Plus, some people truly have more trouble falling asleep, so I realize going to sleep when the opportunity presents itself can be more difficult for them.

Most moms I know are sleep deprived to some extent, @jca was very lucky. I assume she had a few months off for maternity leave and just had to worry about the baby and herself.

Babies are individuals. They’re all different. My first was like @jca‘s baby. She was the dream child. Slept for hours, woke had a feed and a play, back to sleep. My house was cleaner and tidier than it had been before or has been since. My second is now 27 and I swear she still doesn’t sleep through the night. She was the baby from hell! I loved her to bits but she was a challenging child. My third was in somewhere in the middle. They’re all different and you don’t know what you’re going to get until it arrives and its personality shines through.

@JLeslie: I took off over 6 months when my daughter was born. It was heavenly. Summer, fall and I returned right before New Year’s.

@jca Funny that it sounds like you were finally able to catch up on your sleep when your baby was born, when for most people it is the opposite.

I actually tortured my mom, because I didn’t sleep through the night until I was almost two. My sister was easier in that regard, but she got more colds than I did, so when she was sick obviously that kept my mom awake.

Also, I think sometimes being married can make it harder, because depending on the couple, the wife might still be trying to take care of her husband by still cooking more elaborate meals than she would for herself, and staying up when he comes home from work when she might otherwise go to sleep early, or having to do more chores like more laundry, and some husbands are quite jealous of the baby so a wife might pick up on that also. The hope is the new dad is just as enthralled with the baby and actually helps the new mom, making being a new parent easier, but sometimes the spouse can do just the opposite.

@JLeslie: Also, a dad would be returning to wok and so probably waking up early, which the mom might want to join him for to see him, have coffee with him, see him off, etc. For me, if I was up I was up. If the baby went back to sleep and I felt like going back to sleep, nothing disturbed me.

Now this baby is a night owl. She is 7 and she will stay up till 10 or 11 if I let her. Rare occasions she will fall asleep early, otherwise, she wants to stay up and she will. In the morning she may sleep till 8 or 9. Now that I’m older, I seem to need less sleep so I am up at 5 usually, feeling ok.

@jca My SIL definitely had more “work” to do when her husband was around. I’ll never forget one time when she was visiting us when her son was a toddler and quite a handful. She came a week ahead of her husband. When her husband finally joined her things only got worse for her in terms of having chores to do. Instead of the husband being there to take some child rearing respnsibility off her shoulders she now was also dealing with pleasing him. I couldn’t believe it. I was in my 20’s still and it was so obvious and I had never thought about that sort of situation before.

Does your daugher play on her own in the late evening? Or, do you need to stay up with her?

@JLeslie: She plays on my bed or watches TV. She likes to be near me, not in her room alone. She has a room and bed of her own but she’s in the habit of sleeping with me. I don’t mind it, I’m used to it. It started when she was about 3 days old. I know they say you’re not supposed to sleep with the baby, but I would place her about a foot away from my body and it worked out fine.

@jca I don’t have any judgements or strong opinions about kids sleeping with their parents. As far as infants, I think it makes perfect sense to keep them in the same room as the mother, especially if she is breast feeding.

I think if my mom had been a single parent she probably would have let us just sleep with her. I actually didn’t mind going to bed without her, but my sister was more attached, or maybe I was just older, and so my mom would lay down with us when we were very little until we fell asleep and then she would leave our room. When we moved to Maryland I was 9 and my sister was 6 and my mom stopped doing it, but my sister and I continued to sleep together even though we now had our own rooms, my sister would sleep in my room. Years later that changed as we became teens.

@JLeslie: My mom was single for a portion of my childhood, and I used to sleep with her a lot.

I remember once, I got sick in her bed and threw up. We then had to go sleep in my little twin bed, which was funny because we were packed in like sardines. She wasn’t too happy!

@jca When my mom used to wind up falling asleep next to my sister (in a twin) she would complain my sister would kick her. All the years I slept with my sister I never remember getting kicked by her. When I stayed with her several months ago (not the last time I was in NY) we had to sleep head to tow on her sofa together and I slept like the dead. No problem. I could never do that with my husband.