"I know you didn't really want me in the first place" How do you answer this?

I’d tell her that maybe her friends get to talk that way, but it is a disrespectful way to talk, and there are consequences for continuing to talk to me that way. Then if she chose to pursue that behavior, I’d follow through with consequences that really have teeth. You don’t want to feed this sort of behavior at all!

I would not do any of that. ^^^ I would not let it get to me personally and try to tease her out of her grumps by doing something silly like singing, “You are the Sunshine of My Life” to her. Or just say, “I’m sorry you’re feeling angry right now. Want to talk about it?”

There has to be a reason why she’s started saying this. Has something changed in the family that has led to the child feeling insecure? It sounds to me like she’s looking for her mother to reassure her. I don’t think she needs her mother to chastise her. Perhaps her mum making time to just be with the girl, one-on-one, doing mother and daughter things will help her to feel less insecure.

I probably would tell her she is my favorite person in the world and either try to distract her onto the next thing or ask her why she is upset or angry if it wasn’t obvious.

I figure the girl overheard she was a mistake, or that her mom never planned to have a child, or that single moms don’t really want their kids, or some sort of thing to make her think such a thing.

@snowberry I don’t see how that will make the girl feel any better about being a surprise if that was the actual situation when her mom became pregnant.

I said this as a kid too. The answer back was, it doesn’t matter. You did ask to be born. And I am glad you are here.

I’ve never been a parent. I have, however, experienced the joy of being an appreciated uncle on the receiving end of the good stuff. I never had to deal with the real work of raising a child. So, my resume is quite weak here.

I think I would follow @janbb on this. And if they were still listening, I would follow up with how much they are wanted, that they are loved and appreciated. I would give a specific example. I might mention something nice they had done lately that made someone very happy, or some accomplishment they had achieved that made someone very proud. Then I would tell them how much they would be missed if they weren’t here anymore.

And then, to nail it all home, I would follow it all up with a hug and a peck, which I think is precisely what this child is phishing for in the first place.

If the kid really wasn’t planned, I’d be honest:

“I didn’t want a baby – but as soon as I met you, I fell in love. You’re my favourite person in the entire world!”

Followed by a hug, maybe?

There’s a lot of history that we are not privy to, so it is hard to give specific suggestions for your friend. Since you say the girl is saying this when she’s not getting her way, I’m interpreting it as her attempt to be manipulative and guilt the mother into giving in.

When my son tried to manipulate me emotionally, I’d say, “Mommy don’t play dat” (a reference to the In Living Color clown that was popular at the time, who said, “Homey don’t play dat”) to indicate that I wasn’t going to be manipulated or negotiated with. Then I would address the misbehavior that he was trying to weasel his way out of, which is best dealt with in the moment.

When things were more calm, I always explained that regardless of the circumstances of his birth (I wanted kids, but I wanted them after grad school – not during), I was glad to have him. I also was quick with praise and affection and since I was a single mom, we spent a lot of time together. Admittedly, when he was younger, I was more invested in my social and love-life than I should have been, and once I realized that, I made amends to be mentally present, as much as physically present.

I also frequently pointed out that I loved him enough to put in the effort of teaching him how to be a responsible, independent person; in comparison to his friends’ parents who were easily manipulated, worried about being ‘cool’, and who did everything for the kids. I used the situations his friends went through as examples. By the time he was 16, he was able to recognize how needy those kids were, and he was thanking me for having been tough and letting him learn to think through his decisions and consider potential consequences.

“Mommy is not my name, it’s my job title” was another phrase he heard many times. This helped objectify the act of giving him responsibilities and disciplining when he misbehaved. Now he’s in his early 20s, and now we are friends. He has been working his way up at his job for close to 4 years, pays all his bills, and goes to college part time. He’s not perfect, but he’s been through a lot, and I am proud of him.

In addition to Janbb’s excellent, advice, I would suggest asking her a question or two before making statements, no matter how loving.

“Sweetheart, what makes you ask that question now?”

“Luv, what’s going on? Why are you suddenly so upset?”

Getting her to reveal her feelings will help trigger the conversation.

If there is any truth to her accusation, you have to deal with that, also, as a jumping off point for how you feel about her now (and how you felt about her once you saw that little face). See @longgone for dialog coaching.

What @janbb said! (especially, “I would not let it get to me personally”). What a great opportunity. If a child is able to say this, they likely are in some contact with their emotions, and are working through things. A statement like this is a possible sign that a child is ready to open up to you and express and explore his/her feelings. The important thing here is that she feels safe to be able to do so. Taking this personally and making it about you would be the first step in closing that door to the conversation and an open, honest relationship with your child.

Ooooh, I didn’t read it like that. I read, “I know you didn’t want to talk to me in the first place.” If that’s what she said, my response would have been appropriate, as it is, not so much. Thanks guys.

I agree, it’s sad she is saying this, and perhaps she overheard this from you or someone. I totally agree with most of the posts above.

@snowberry I’m so glad you came back and said that.

Thanks to all who responded! It is some good things to consider.

This is not something that she has heard, at least not directly. She knows her birth was unplanned but that both of her parents love her. Her parents, their siblings and both sets of grandparents are actively involved in her life. Mom and dad split up after about six years and the year before that had just been a platonic relationship trying to decide what to do and where each was going. Now, and I think I mentioned this in an earlier question, they split parenting duties on an almost every other day basis; not what I consider an ideal setup but it is what they want to do. Personally, I think this may be a contributing factor.

I don’t think she would have gotten this from home. My personal opinion is that she got it from a spoiled brat that lives on the same street. They are the same age, attend the same school (but different classes) and are both only children with all the coddling that goes along with that. They are constantly fighting and bickering and picking on each other, making each other cry and otherwise upsetting each other. Until tomorrow, when they are best friends and start all over again. But “Belle”, the other girl, is extremely manipulative of her parents and others and has an attitude that reeks of self-importance. I can picture her hurling this as an insult.

I need to check and see if she has made the same declaration to her dad, although he tries to give her everything she wants in order to be the fun parent so that may not apply.

I would say, “Planning and wanting are two different things. If I walk into a store, and they hand me balloons, and tell me I’m number one million, and I get a shopping spree, I would be happy. I would take the shopping spree and thank them. Shopping could turn into a bit of a headache, choosing what to get, and what I can do without, but it would be fun too. I did not plan to have you, but you are here. There are some things I can do without, like arguing, but you are fun to have, and I love you.”

When I was growing up, I would have loved to have had my parents ask me questions that allowed me to get mad or show some rudeness or nastiness, even though most of what upset me as a 9-year old was pretty trivial. We were all much too polite and careful.

Let her have a chance to vent in a safe environment…no matter what the root cause.

I agree that having her parents split the duties daily (does that mean she moves from one house to another or that they take turns living with her under the same roof) is a very bad idea. Ask her about that also.

As granddad, you are also a safer person for her to complain to. Promise her complete confidentiality and complete lack of censorship. Unplanned but best beloved is nice to know..the whole truth.

I agree with @longgone
Children are very astute and maybe this child has actually overheard her mother SAY something along the lines of not wanting to have a child to friends or family.
I don’t buy this child is just blowing off steam by saying such a thing. She has had to overhear something or the mom has maybe, in a moment of immaturity and stress, said as much.

If this is the case no amount of glossing over is going to matter.
The worst thing the mom could do is deny or play a crazy making mind game with her daughter. I vote for the approach that @longgone mentioned.

Call her bluff. Tell her it’s high time to trade her in at the orphanage, since you’ve heard that late model little girls come with her defect having been corrected.

I would probably try to distract her from being friends with that girl, who seems to be not the best person to hang out with. I would take her places or try to find other friends for her to be with.

I would tell my daughter that I don’t know what she’s talking about, and ask her if something else is bothering her. I would assure her that she is very loved by everyone in the family.

My vote is for not acknowledging that she was not wanted or unplanned. Kids are very sensitive and I don’t think it would be helpful to her self esteem to hear things like “unwanted” or “unplanned.”

There are a lot of valuable views above. In general, don’t dismiss it, don’t make it personal and demonstrate to the child it is irrelevant anyway by showing your love for her, now, now that she’s here.

My boys (11, twins) know that my wife and I were definitely not expecting to have twin boys. They know that they were supposed to be named Eva Sophie, and be a ‘single’, cute, blue eyed, darling blond girl. (My wife and I are blondes, so any other color would have to be imported. :-) )

Anyways, they also know that they are as loved as anything and that daddy wouldn’t know how to begin dealing with a girl.

They never doubt their being welcome, wanted and cared for. They’re here now.

Actually they figured that since they are ‘identical’, monozygotic twins, they figured they are clones of one another and they could claim they were made by themselves.

If one of my kids said that I think I would just laugh and say, “What??!!” They know they are my life.

But…I’m curious…is the relationship between the parents still good? My ex played some HORRIBLE head games with my oldest daughter. She was from his previous marriage. I’ve been in her life since she was 18 months old, formally adopted her when she was 6, and I’m the only real mom she’s ever known.
We split when she was 10. Her father started telling her that since I wasn’t her real mom she didn’t have to do anything I said. It was a nightmare.

I just thought of a short comeback that I could see my mom saying, not that I am recommending it. I can hear her voice say, “if I didn’t want you, you wouldn’t be here.”

@JLeslie When I was younger my mother used to tell me that there was no way she was going to allow me to enlist or get drafted. Her reasoning being that if anyone had earned the right to shoot me it was her.

My youngest, my only son, was a happy accident. We’ve made jokes about it through the years. Best accident ever!