Thoughts on thinking (fondly) about an ex while in a relationship?

I don’t know. I feel like this can play out in a lot of different ways. One of our good friends confided in me that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to move in with his (then) girlfriend because he didn’t feel like she was the one. Turned out she was. Now they’re happily married with two kids.

Yesterday we attended a wedding where the groom had broken up with the bride years before. Then he realized what an idiot he was for letting her go. Ha.

I wish you well. But I suspect that no one here has any answers that you don’t already have (deep down inside of you).

It’s not at all unusual, I’ve had similar thoughts about exes while in relationships. There are two aspects of it that need attention, though:

1) Remember you and the ex have been apart and growing different ways for over two years. You are different and she is different. You both have had different experiences, done different things, slept with and had sex with other people. To go back to where you were with her would mean going back to as you were at 19. So know it would not and could not be the same.

2) It might be minor, but consider what that relationship gave you that doesn’t seem to be present in your current relationship. The old GF may have put up with stuff that the current one won’t condone, or maybe the old one coddled you but no what you are older you have to do things for yourself. Or maybe it’s something more integral that you are missing and want to change in your current relationship. If there is a difference that you miss an fit;s something reasonable and mature, make sure you communicate with your girlfriend. But don’t ever ever bring up that the old GF used to do it. Otherwise you might find yourself alone very quickly.

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I just realized, you are 22 and out of school, your ex is 20? As a freshman at college you were dating a 16 yr old? How old is your current GF? You may just be having anxiety over being out on your own and no longer in school and trying to get back to the social safety net.

I guess it is kind of like “the one who got away,” or simply unfinished business. You didn’t break up because thing deteriorated for you, but because of circumstance supposedly. Your age and college and new starts. However, I think if she broke up with you, she did think something about your reationship just was not forever. I think your mind is idealizing the relationship, I doubt it was so perfect. The mind can do amazing things and be very selective regarding memory. You are in an extremely scary and anxiety ridden time in your life. Just having graduated is one of the most difficult times in life. Having dreams that you remember and that cause you to question seem normal and very likely to me.

I think, if you have doubts about forever with your current girlfriend it prbably is time to break up. Regardless of your ex, you have to decide if your current girlfriend is the one or not.

You could call your ex and see how she is doing and see how you feel after the conversation, but it’s risky and kind of an emotional cheat on your current girlfriend considering how you are feeling now.

Here’s what I think about this.

“I was with my ex for 3 years until she broke up with me”

You still haven’t moved on and you’re in a relationship? Come on now..

@zenvelo
My ex is 9 months younger than myself. My current girlfriend is one year older. I am on my own now, but I’m still living with my friends in a house for another year and I’ve been self-sustaining for a while now. Already have a job and money isn’t an issue, so I’m inclined to think that anxiety isn’t the issue :)

@JLeslie
That’s excellent advice, thanks. See the paragraph above for details, but I don’t feel scared or stressed about my life at this point. I don’t want to break up with my gf and there is no reason other than “my heart is unsure” to consider leaving her, which in my mind makes breaking up unjustified.

@pleiades
I don’t assume that everyone who gets into a relationship is fully over every single ex. I don’t think it’s unnatural to look fondly on your past and use whatever memories and experiences you had to better yourself. Please don’t belittle me for trying to move on. I’m sure many people wonder about the past once in a while.

@randomguy45 Okay, you responded to my coda, but what about the two points I was making? Yes, fond memories are normal and nice, yet what is getting in the way of you being in the present and not the past?

@zenvelo At the time of writing my response to you I hadn’t decided that I was going to do anything more than add clarification.

First point: Very valid response and I have not fully considered how both of us have changed over the years. In all likelihood, we’ve grown significantly apart, but it’s the uncertainty that keeps the feelings alive.

Second point: There are a few things, but I believe that the new things with my gf significantly outweigh the things missing from my ex. They were both equally affectionate, the main differences have to do with interests and hobbies. The interests with my gf don’t match up as well as with my ex, but my gf and I share mostly all the same hobbies. For example, my gf is into organic living and living green in general, I don’t care for organic living but I do support living green, just not nearly with the passion that she does. My ex felt the same way that I do about such things. My gf and I love to play the same sports, not so much the same with my ex.

@randomguy45 I’m not sure what your heart is unsure means? Maybe since you are still so young you mean that you are still having a great time with her and aren’t worried about getting married at this point so you don’t feel inclined to break up? I realize I could be way off.

When I was dating my husband I never felt unsure. It was the most natural thing in the world with him. We dated, we became serious, he had all the qualities I had always wanted in a guy and some I had never even thought to want, I respected him, he made me feel happy, and I wanting the reationship to keep progressing. If you have any red flags in your relationship pay attention to them.

The sinister tendency in us to make comparisons is irresistible, and you should make an effort to keep it in check. I find it interesting that at such a young age you have managed to maintain relationships lasting years.

@stanleybmanly Many of my friends had long lasting relationships from their teens and twenties. I don’t think it is so rare.

@JLeslie
What I mean is that when I think about it logically, I should be extremely happy and we should be together. We mesh really well and we always have a great time. For some reason, I don’t have the urge deep down to progress things and I don’t know that she’s the one. My brain and my heart don’t seem to be in sync.

@JLeslie That’s a question worth asking. Thanks.

@randomguy45 I guess either you just aren’t in a place that you are ready to think about marriage, which is understandable for your age, or she just isn’t the one. I have no idea which it might be. I certainly am not trying to make you unhappy in a reationship you are happy in.

If you’re truly secure in your current relationship, you’ll view all your ex’s fondly.

If you’re in a relationship and an ex isn’t threatening it, why should you deny the pleasure/joy you had in that previous relationship? A relationship breaking down shouldn’t negate the love the relationship represented.