How to help my family understand I'm gay?

Not knowing the dynamic in your family, it’s hard to say whether to talk to both your parents together, or just one or the other. Consider this, though: explain that yes, you dated men earlier, and explored if that was where you would find a loving and true relationship, yet it never felt right.

Let them know that the men you dated and loved as friends never fulfilled you as a person, that it was only until you met and fell in love with your partner that you realized that it took another woman’s love to fulfill you and make you truly happy.

(I am a straight man, just happen to listen to Dan Savage a lot. Best of luck to you, there are lots of resources to help you talk to your parent if you need them.)

In a sense both you and they are right. The fact that you’re gay is irrelevant. It’s the durability of the relationship that is the issue. Only time will vindicate your certainty or their doubt, though 4 years is a long time for a phase. The realization will come.

Do they need to? There are many things I don’t tell my family because I just don’t think they’d understand.
I personally don’t like the idea of labeling and objectifying sexuality, but you know yourself more than I do. The fact is that you’ve been with the same person for 4 years, no matter what that person is like. You know yourself more than your parents, too, so if what you think they think is true, then who are they to say it’s a phase?
If you feel the need to tell them about this, how about you just say you are dating someone who you truly love. She happens to be a woman, but gender shouldn’t matter.

Just tell them. If they don’t fully understand, that’s their problem. If you try to get them to “understand,” you may only succeed in isolating yourself further.

Just live your life. Show them how happy and successful you are and they will see how you have made great choices in your life.

It took over a decade for my dad to accept that I was staying with my wife and that she was good for me, and good to me.

When my mom died and my wife was there with me the whole time, comforting everyone and trying to support my mom, my dad (a man who abused his family for about 20 years) cried when he saw how compassionate and loving my wife was.

Last time we saw him he called my wife “mijha”. In the Latino community that is one of the words that is reserved for the love you have for your child.

It’s been 13 years, but it happened.

@shadowboxer “As you get older you will realize nobody really give a pig’s knuckle about what you are doing as long as it doesn’t affect what they are doing.”

Unfortunately in many cases, especially when it comes to sexuality, that simply isn’t true.

I think that you don’t need to worry about their approval. As long as they love and understand you, if you love her and you are happy they will understand it. Don’t think too much about what others think as long as you are not hurting others. This is your life and you are responsible for it so make sure you are fine and other things will be fine too!!!

Sorry if this sounds rude, but maybe it’s not worth making them understand. If they can’t accept who you are it’s their problem, not yours.

I’m in the ‘just live your life’ and ‘don’t explicitly tell them’ camp. You’ve been with your current partner for four years, enough said. I don’t go around telling my family ‘hey I’m straight!’ The way you are when you’re with your partner and them should tell them all they need to know. If they don’t get it now, they’re choosing not to and it’s not worth the pain and effort of hitting them over the head with a sledgehammer to try to make them accept it. Just be true to who you are.

Now you have asked this question basically on three different Q’s, maybe more. The answers are all basically the same. I understand you want your parents approval and acceptance, but all you can do is be happy in your relationship and hope your parents eventually will see this is who you are. You can’t make your parents change.

Maybe ask them why it is so important to them that you be straight. Try to get to understand their anxiety or disappointment. It might not be a rejection of you or of gay people. It might have to do with their personal fears and their own mourning of the picture they had in their heads of their own family.

An example is the singer actress Cher who has always been surrounded by gay people, transgender, etc. and when her own daughter wanted to transition to being a man Cher initially had a very hard time with it. Having some compassion for the process some parents go through might help you be patient, even though I know it feels very hurtful to you right now.

Thank you all so much for the advise and for taking the time to give it. I did try to post this question the day before but Fluther said I had to re-write it so I apologize, I did not realize it was posted twice.

The reason I posted this question is because I had a chance to speak to a family friend of my mother’s who just happened to have dated a woman for 2 years after she divorced her husband and then went on to date men again after she broke it off with the woman. This friend told me that my mother thinks that this will be my story as well since this is the only situation she has to compare it to. Since the advice I received 2 weeks ago was so incredibly helpful, I thought I would ask for some insight on this component as well.

I can see now that the only thing I can do is sit everyone in my family down and put it all on the table and say this is me, this is who I love, this is what I need to have from you in terms of love and respect for my relationship and they can either take it or not but I can not continue this anxiety over my family not accepting that I am gay. Thanks again for the advice all.

@newyorkgirl12 Sounds good.

@newyorkgirl12 Maybe they will surprise you and be more understanding than you imagine. I certainly hope so.
Let us know how it goes.

It can do it that way, but my approach would be different. I would talk to my parents and tell them I want to understand why they think it is just a phase. Your way feels ultimatum-ish and won’t open communication. I know a lot of people are very into setting boundaries and getting rid of people in their life that cause them stress, but in your case they are not being abusive, although I can understand how non-acceptance might be defined as abusive by some people. Why not hear them out and explain you are not this other women who went back to men. If the conversation is going nowhere then you can lay done your rules.

Honestly, I dont think it matters if you are bisexual or homosexual in the end, the real point is right now you are in a relationship that is very important to you and you believe it is going to last a very long time, maybe forever.

Thank you everyone, I will be out of town for 2 weeks but plan to meet with my family when I get back. My girlfriend says now that regardless of how the talk goes she wants no part of my family. I wouldn’t ask her to be part of my family
if they don’t come around and understand it needs to be 100% respect, but, I feel over time as long as my family understands us that we should all be able to spend an occasional say birthday party together or what not. I feel like I am caught in the middle yet I understand her caution.

I thought she has been welcome at family gatherings?

@JLeslie yes, she is welcome but last month we went to my nephews birthday party at a place and no one even said hi to us in my family. She doesn’t want to have to deal with that. Neither one of us want to walk into that again, I’m thinking she doesn’t think they’ll be capable of changing, and I can understand where she’s coming from. I just wish she would have more of an open mind.

You’ll have to work these things out in time. Don’t get yourself trapped into a corner. Everything changes, even if it happens over a long period of time.

It is so sad that close to 50 years after Stonewall we still have to fight to be who we are and be accepted by the people who are supposed to love us.

Even if it doesn’t seem like a big issue now, it can easily become one. I suggest you two go to therapy and work this out. Even if it’s just to get everyone’s feelings out in the open. I do not know where you live, but there are LGBT friendly therapists out there who will understand your experiences.

Look here.

@newyorkgirl12 I can understand why it would bother her, don’t get me wrong.

I am not assuming anything, but if by chance she, or you, is waiting for them to appraoch and strike up a conversation, I would say you and your girlfriend also have the responsibility and opportunity to strike up the conversation too. I understand she is the guest and so the host and hosting family should make her comfortable, but you both have to make the effort too. You might have in the past and are tired of it, so again I am not assuming anything. There is a possibility other family members are talking about that party and saying how stand-offish your gf is and you seem withdrawn when you are around her.

I do worry that you both are looking for proof they are disapproving horrible people, which means you will interpret every little thing they do that does not meet what you feel they should do as offensive and dismissive even if they had no bad intentions. I’m not there with you experience the mood in the room with your family, so I could be completely wrong.

@JLeslie, that is a good point and I will def take that into consideration. We may just be so on the defense after all they have said and done that we have a wall up. I am sure it is much more uncomfortable for my gf than for me since they are my family and I’ve been around them my whole life.

@newyorkgirl12 How old are you? Young people tend to assume all sorts of things that older adults are thinking that are completely inaccurate. Hell, even we old folks assume all sorts of wrong things about people of every age. The only way to know is to communicate with people and ask them what they are thinking and why they are acting as they are.

If your girlfriend is in some way trying to turn you against your family that is a huge red flag. She might not be doing that at all, I can’t tell just from this Q.

@JLeslie We are both approaching 50 so at this point I believe we can read peole pretty well but who knows. I would agree with you on the communication, I am not going to have any relief until I sit down with them. Also, I believe my gf is just so tired of giving them chances.. Thanks for the input!

I didn’t get the impression you are in your 40’s. I have to adjust my brain around that. No wonder your family might be a little confused. You spent almost 30 years supposedly interested in boys. A lot of women date women when they get older though, it isn’t unheard of that’s for sure.

Yes, I understand that it may be an adjustment but it’s been 4 years now, I’m hoping after this sit down, they start to see the light. On another note I’m the oldest so the rest of my siblings are in their late 30’s, you would think they would be more mature but it’s just not the case. Well thanks again, this is the first time I have brought an issue to the Internet for advice and it has been very insightful.

Stick around, it’s a good group here. All sort of topics get discussed.

Thanks, I will. I have commented on a few questions from other people. I thought it was only fair to give back since I had received such great help.

@newyorkgirl12 Welcome to the collective!