In a bar, a man pinches a woman's butt. Should she call the cops? Why or why not?

If assault is not reported, and investigated, then we should expect for assault to continue.

I think my inclination would be outrage and to try to humiliate the perp by loud accusations but I don’t think it would be in my nature to call the cops.

(I am not a woman, so I can’t state what is best.)

I would think she should tell the bartender or bouncer. They can deal with it much more quickly. And cops will either arrest her or shoot him.

This again?

Yes, she should call the cops if she wants to. They will come, take her report, and do exactly nothing.

The perpetrator is likely to have scarpered the moment she called the cops, and there will be no one there to arrest.

Probably not. It’s happened to me a couple of times. Everyone would have looked at me all crazy for dragging the police into the bar because of WHAT? (Everyone just loved seeing police come into a bar or crashing a party!)
Also, this was in the 70’s. We didn’t have this PC thing of what assault means. I mean, you could tap someone on the shoulder and that could be considered assault today.
Also, making a huge fuss and embarrassing the guy might mean he would lurk around and wait for you to come out.
What I DID do was to quickly reach back, grab his thumb and twist it. He got the most shocked, confused look on his face. He seemed to have NO idea why I did that.

Same thing with the other guy who pinched me while I was slow dancing with someone else. He was dancing with a gal and when we passed, he pinched me. I twisted his thumb. No one, except he and I knew what had gone down, not even the people we were dancing with.

“911, what is your emergency?”
“Some guy in the bar just PINCHED MY BUTT!!!”

Yes, she should immediately call the police. Offensive touching is a battery. The lady should make sure that the perp is unaware of the phone call, so that he doesn’t run out of the bar and leave the premises. She should also gather her witnesses, just as quietly and subtly, and have them waiting.

When the police arrive, the perp’s in for the shock of his life. The lady can decide whether she wants to press charges or not (hint – pressing charges usually means that the guy spends a night in jail, until he can see a magistrate in the morning). Sometimes, just the intimidation of being questioned by police officers is enough.

The other thing about calling the police is the expected arrival time. Pinching a butt is considered lower priority than, say, murder, robbery, home invasions, rape, kidnapping, and child molestation. To say nothing of traffic stops.

So if she calls, she’ll wait. And wait. And wait. Maybe hours.

The guy is going to be long gone.

@SadieMartinPaul might be right about the guy being surprised as hell if the cops come in… but don’t hold your breath waiting for them to get there.

@elbanditoroso I tend to agree with you but @zenvelo‘s idea of telling the bartender or the bouncer is a good one.

I’m not saying this is right or wrong but like @Dutchess_III I came from the generation which took care of relatively minor offenses and insults from men ourselves.

Exactly, @janbb, just as I did.

Gosh. To me calling the cops on someone who pinched me would be like calling the cops because some one stepped on my toe. Yeah, one is deliberate and the other is accidental, but it terms of physical seriousness they’re about the same.

Hey, ass pinching in bars kinda goes with the territory. If you’re going to be in a situation involving many strangers and alcohol this sort of thing can happen. No, I would not call the cops, but I would certainly take a very assertive stand with the perp.
I’m with @janbb My generation handled these things ourselves, and these behaviors were not considered sexual harassment so much as just basic asshole guy behavior.

@elbanditoroso The last time I had a similar incident, police officers arrived within minutes. It was at a grocery store (of all the odd places!), and I led the police down and aisle and right to the guy. I also had 3 witnesses in tow who were happy to help me.

The brief background. I was outside the store’s front door, waiting for my turn to take a shopping cart. I felt an insistent hand on my back and was suddenly pushed. Apparently, I’d been in the man’s path; rather than walking around me, he just shoved me out of the way.

When we were dealing with the police, the man became very belligerent and said that I shouldn’t be standing in the way and blocking people. With amazement, one of the officers said (paraphrase), “So, you’re admitting that you pushed her?” The man confirmed. I decided not to press charges; this person wasn’t emotionally stable, and I didn’t want him to learn my identity or where I live. But, I enjoyed watching him get dressed-down by a pair of uniformed police officers.

Something that I would consider closer to an assault what when I was first starting to go clubbing. I was young and naive. I foolishly agreed to slow dance with a guy I didn’t know. On the dance floor he started grabbing my crotch and my breasts. I shoved him away.
After that I made it a rule to never dance with someone I didn’t know.

^^^ Yuck. A slow dance certainly has the expectation of physical contact, but not fondling private parts! The guy would have probably defended himself by claiming to have been very drunk, but I’ve never accepted that as an excuse. Lots of guys drink too much when they’re young and out for the evening; few of them behave in this manner.

Getting back to the original pinch-in-the-tushie question…

I guess that tossing a drink in someone’s face is always an option. Doing so sends a very clear message, gets plenty of attention, and is an alterative to calling the police. Of course, if the guy gets all Ray Rice in return, there’s no question that the lady should involve the police and press charges.

It was gross.

That is always a real danger. I, for one, would never challenge a man like that.

@SadieMartinPaul – your experience was lucky. Not all jurisdictions will have that fast a response time. Especially honky tonk bars out in the country.

Nothing that a swift kick in the nuts wouldn’t remedy, saves wasting police time too.

@ucme For a man, yeah. You have a good chance of defending yourself when he recovers. Wouldn’t advise it for a woman.

That seems like a waste of police resources.

How about yelling something like: “Hey Jackass! You grabbed the wrong butt. I’m not your mother!”

@LuckyGuy I was just going to say the same thing, the police likely have more important things to do or need to be when more important things need attention. What happened to the old fashioned drink in the face? This is a job for the bouncers.

I’d be afraid of retaliation if I threw a drink in his face.

@elbanditoroso “Not all jurisdictions will have that fast a response time. Especially honky tonk bars out in the country.”

I can understand that. I live in a very compact, geographically-small city. The public services are excellent, and everything’s just a few minutes away from everything else. So, if someone calls the police, there are likely to be officers nearby who can respond immediately.

Yes, I’m sure that things are very different in the country, especially areas that have only sheriffs’ departments and no police forces.

I would start by telling the bartender to kick that guy out. They’ll do it.

Interesting how the men are making suggestions that are likely to inflame and anger the perp.

I’d honestly probably laugh. Who cares, I’m there for a good time, not drama.

Before the cops are called, were there witnesses to the pinching (assault)? Where in legal definition does pinching lie, level 3 assault, assault in the 1st degree, simple battery? The cops are not going to come rushing over if it is legsally a low level assault or simple battery, they will just have you come down and fill a report. If it is just he said/she said with no evidence to back it up, security cam footage, eye witnesses, medical data, etc. the DA might not even bother unless the same guy gets numerous complaints. Just go old school and toss a drink in his face.

I would not say a woman should or shouldn’t call the cops. I probably wouldn’t, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with calling. Men don’t seem to do it as much anymore, thank goodness. I don’t think because they realized it is a type of assault, but because there has been a societal shift in what is acceptable and tolerated.

You can tell the managaer, bartender or bouncer and most likely they will take care of it. At minimum they will tell the guy to stop, at most they will make him leave. I doubt they would call the cops.

I wonder how men would feel if they were grabbed and touched without giving permission? Do those guys who do it even bother to think about it? I guess not.

I’m all for defending yourself with a little response to prevent him from doing anything farther. It can be saying something out loud so everyone around knows he is an ass, or a little push or kick to get him the fuck off. When it has happened to me in the past I usually just got away from the guy somehow and let it go, but I was young.

If the guy is giving you no further hassle after the initial grope, you can report it to the police after the fact. It’s not really the sort of thing that requires immediate police presence unless he is persisitent and refusing to leave you alone. But certainly inform a bouncer or bartender. Getting him barred from the venue seems to be the most useful outcome.

@Hypocrisy_Central I think that calling it an “assault” is over the top too.

@KNOWITALL Have you ever had a man pinch you, or grab you, or try to fondle you just because your body was there? It’s nothing to laugh about, at least from a woman’s point of view.

@Dutchess Sure, quite often. A pinch is not a big deal to me. If I felt threatened, of course I’d handle it.

I didn’t feel threatened, just kind of violated, like, “Who the hell do you think you are?!”

@DUtchess I get it, it is crude & lecherous but harmless. My husband & guy friends would not be okay with it though lol

@JLeslie I wonder how men would feel if they were grabbed and touched without giving permission? Do those guys who do it even bother to think about it? I guess not.
I can’t speak for all men but if I were waiting in the checkout line and some young attractive woman cupped my bum and licked her lips with a smile, I would feel flattered. I she did it while I was trying to accomplish something, I would be annoyed but think back on it and be flattered. If she was some old, obese, unattractive (even young for that matter) and she did it, I would be highly annoyed and not in the least flattered; just being honest. I would believe with some women it would be conditional on who was doing it and where

@Hypocrisy_Central If you represent how most men think no wonder men are such asses. You want to be groped. What if the woman has a gun? You also forgot to add what if it is a man groping you? The point is the man doing the groping has no idea if it would be welcomed or unwelcomed (most likely the latter) so who the fuck is he to reach out and touch the woman? You don’t touch without permission.

The old school rules for shaking hands are a man waits for a woman to extend her hand first, he doesn’t presume he can touch her. That etiquette has changed a little since men and women are now seen as equal, especially in business, but it is still the more formal etiquette. You aren’t even supposed to touch our hands without permission. Men with some rearing and class know it. So, that leaves the classless or men who don’t give a shit about rules of conduct to grab our ass. Great.

Usually when men steal a feel of our ass or boobs they are not good looking distinguished guys acting calmly in a Canali suit, they are roudy and often in a group, or they have a few drinks in them. If they are in a Canali suit then still skeevy, because it doesn’t add up.

Plus, why are you feeling my ass? So, I know you think I am attractive? Or, because your dick is so hard you can’t help yourself?

I just want to clarify this whole conversation is about strangers doing it, not someone we already know and have spent time with.

Well put @JLeslie. Well put.

And I have to ask you, @Hypocrisy_Central, if it happened to you, would you immediately turn around to see if she fit your criteria of who is allowed, or not allowed, to do such a thing?

So you would be “honored.” The majority of women wouldn’t be. Why is that so hard to understand?

@Hypocrisy_Central Maybe you should look at this Q I recently wrote. I take it as proof most men cannot not know what it is like to be a woman. We are afraid or wary of men constantly.

Constantly.

@JLeslie If you represent how most men think no wonder men are such asses.
For what, because some guys would actually welcome unsolicited physical contact from a strange woman they found attractive? In high school I knew enough band geeks who could not buy a date to the prom, if a hot cheerleader expectantly grabbed them in the hall, pinned them against a locker and plants a big sloppy wet French on them, their feet would have never touched the ground for the rest of the day; they would not have felt victimized.

You also forgot to add what if it is a man groping you?
There is certainly a major difference in that, as I am sure it would be with some women. There is nothing exciting or even beneficial for me to have some man touching my junk or my backside much less any other part for no reason, pat on the pack if we are playing ball, a nice Brotherly hug when we meet for Bible study, etc. OK, touching my stomach for his excitement, no. I am sure some women might see another woman touching her breast more different than a man, especially if certain conversations were on going.

The old school rules for shaking hands are a man waits for a woman to extend her hand first, he doesn’t presume he can touch her. That etiquette has changed a little since men and women are now seen as equal, especially in business, but it is still the more formal etiquette.
There is the rub, isn’t it? There are many old school rules that made for better and simpler relationships between men and women, especially when courting, that has been tossed out for sake of equality and equal freedoms. It seem to me women want to have their cake and eat it too; and that ship has sailed for the most part.

You want to be groped. What if the woman has a gun?
As I said, if she was attractive to me, her wanting to get physical most likely means I am attractive to her, so I would not mind unless she was hindering business, or placing me in a position where I would lose money. If she had a gun, it means she is not into me but her agenda is something else, and I would not like it more because she was a woman, any one feeling they need to use a gun to get me to do anything is unacceptable.

@Dutchess_III And I have to ask you, @Hypocrisy_Central, if it happened to you, would you immediately turn around to see if she fit your criteria of who is allowed, or not allowed, to do such a thing?
If I found hot she was hot and attractive I would tell her now that she have introduced herself, it would be rude not to put a name and number to the face, and we will have to get together for coffee later to go over the details of wehat happened and where it goes from here.

So you would be “honored.” The majority of women wouldn’t be. Why is that so hard to understand?
I know many guys who would not feel honored by it. I get it, if the woman did not make the first move or the guy was not some superstar rocker they would feel they were not getting out of the encounter what the groper was, that in some way they are being used as some tool, and there is no way they can even find anything amusing out of it unless it was some crush they had; seen it, heard it, and seen it some more.

If I ever start understanding that ^^, shoot me.

@Jleslie Not me, not all women. I’ve been raped & still don’t feel ‘constantly afraid.’

@KNOWITALL You don’t stay aware of your surroundings? You don’t walk quickly to your car in the dark in a parking lot? You don’t think twice if you are in a building or hotel and no ine else is around and you need to get int an elevator? You don’t lock all your doors at night? Possibly you live in a more rural place and worry less or don’t have these situations come up as much. Some parts of the country almost every building is just one or two floors. When I say constant, as I said I am not walking around paranoid all the time, but there are a lot of times throughout the week I think about possible danger.

@Jleslie Being aware & being afraid constantly are very different. You imply fear. Women are capable of murder too.

Yes, fear if the man is doing something to cause me fear. Otherwise, it is just being cautious, but the caution is just habits like locking your car door.

Women murder and rape very rarely. In a fight a man has an incredible advantage over a woman if there are no weapons involved. The average man is taller, heavier, and stronger than the average woman.

@JLESLIE Wouldn’t you want your husband to help a woman stranded at night?

I consider my radar to be very good. I have certainly had many incidences of near assault in my past but I do not live in constant fear when I am out alone at night, which of course is happening more now that I am single. I would generally trust someone who stopped to help me when I was in trouble but I do walk quickly back to my car on a dark deserted street.

@KNOWITALL Depends on the situation. It’s unfortunate, but it is more and more difficult to help people in situations like that. He certainly can call the cops to help her.

The pay it forward moment I have told many times here was a stranger, a man, helping me with my car when it died, he drove me to buy a new battery and replaced my old one. It was broad daylight and his van had every window open. I still was nervous getting into his van. I personally waited with a foreign couple, who barely spoke English, late at night in the pitch dark in a mall parking lot after the mall closed, to make sure their taxi came. I had called the taxi for them earlier and I was shocked to see them still waiting when I left the store. When Inwas a teen a man pulled over when I was broken down on the side of the road and called my mom from his car phone (years ago before cell phones) I was glad he did, but I still was nervous. Mostly people are good people, I know that. I have so many good stories of people helping it warms my heart. It’s just that if you hit the one bad person it’s really bad.

One bad person can ruin the next 20, even if they’re good.

LIfe without risk is impossible, though. You basically have a 50/50 chance trusting any human. For me, fear is unhealthy

@Hypocrisy_Central Beautiful young women aren’t going to flatter you, so stop dreaming. It’s the ones that annoy you that are going to cup you ass and ooh and ahh. And it’s not George Clooney or some other wildly attractive man who is going to pinch a woman’s butt in a bar, it’s some guy who still thinks he has the abs he had as a high school football player, and forgets the 40 lbs. of beer and hotlines he has draped over his belt.

Attractive men don’t have to assault a woman; that’s the kind of act done by egocentric neanderthals.

@JLeslie “I take it as proof most men cannot not know what it is like to be a woman. We are afraid or wary of men constantly.”

I lived as a woman for 42 years and I think I can count on the fingers of one hand the times I’ve been afraid or wary of men and all of those occasions were while attending football matches that were getting a bit too “heated”.

Sure I checked when I was walking through town at night – no-one likes to get mugged. I still check now, still don’t want to get mugged. But constant fear of rape? I can’t say that ever crossed my mind, even that one time I was dressed up as a vampire for a costume party and this one guy thought I was a hooker and asked me if I was “working”.

And that’s not a rural area. That’s the third biggest city in the UK, with (supposedly) a high crime rate, and me walking alone across town from a pub to catch a midnight bus. Every single Friday night. For about fifteen years.

And before you say “the UK is safer”, when I went to visit New York I used the subway on my own in the evening too, about 9pm, and still didn’t feel threatened or afraid.

Hmm maybe I was giving off masculine vibes even before I knew it myself…

@zenvelo Beautiful young women aren’t going to flatter you, so stop dreaming.
If a fat woman with a pimply ass, who command 2 time zones, and have more cottage cheese than a dairy and a half can have a newborn in the stoller and a toddler in tow, anything is plausible.

@Hypocrisy_Central – I’m curious to know how you are sure her ass was pimply.

@downtide I wouldn’t say I have a constant fear of rape, but as I said above I keep an awareness of my surroundings and behave accordingly depending on the situation. I often put my shoulderbag across my chest and I don’t wear glitzy jewelry in some places. It’s not just to not be robbed, I don’t want to be hurt when I am robbed. When the street was rather desolate in an urban place with highish crime (this happened a lot of Memphis, especially early morning Sunday) I walked with a quick pace and head up, no distractions. Walked like I knew where I was going even if I didn’t. My husband would dilly dally, look around, He isn’t thinking of any potential problems.

I remember once being in a badish area, because my dad wanted to go into a store. My mom and I walked to the next parking lot to buy something at McDonald’s. That McDonald’s was scary shit. Already uncomfortable a guy had to come up to us and I don’t even remember what he said, but it made me more than uncomfortable. My mom and I left and told my dad we wanted to leave soon. He wasn’t bothered by the surroundings at all.

I can’t tell you how many men said, “why do you have alarms on your windows upstairs, they aren’t going to carry a TV out of your second floor window. Dude, rape! Hello. Men are thinking about their electrinics. I don’t have an alarm on my apartment now, I don’t mean I am constantly paranoid, it’s situational. In Memphis a lot of places are gated, but not fenced. Again, the rapist can easily get into the community. When I would point this out to men it was like they never thought of it. Not that I was pointing it out every day, but the few times I did over 8 years time living there, it was always not something they thought of.

The entire time I lived in Memphis I can’t remember one time deciding to wait for a different elevator, but it has happened to me a few times in NYC, and I am not there that often. Not because I am paranoid in NYC, far from it, I feel very safe there the majority of the time, but because I am in buildings with elevators more often there, so the situation arises now and then.

@elbanditoroso I’m curious to know how you are sure her ass was pimply.
Because of all that hanging out from those booty shorts or Daisy Dukes she had an epic fail trying to rock as if she were a sexy bikini model.

Of course she should have! Did she tell him it was okay to touch her? Or did he do it without permission? If he did it without her consent, that’s sexual assault. Doesn’t matter what she was wearing, what she was doing, where she was, if she was intoxicated, etc. She didn’t say it was okay, therefore he should be punished. It’s not her fault, it’s his, and it’s sad that this is even a question!!! If someone touches your intimate parts without your permission, it’s considered assault and should not be tolerated.

@Misspegasister28 might want to read through the comments above. We covered it pretty thoroughly.