Is it rude to invite guests over for dinner and request a list for them to bring?

That’s not a friend, that’s a user.

I feel like in her mind it’s a fair deal. “I make the sushi and I have the fish, you bring the rest of the smaller stuff”

I would be offended too if I was you. She really thinks she has the right to order what people have to bring to her dinners? It sounds like your friend either doesn’t want to waste money on preparing, or she has in mind what her dinners will be like and wants everyone to follow exactly like her plan. Nonetheless, the lists to me look like a lists of “presents you have to bring on her birthday party”.

I feel like in her mind it’s a fair deal. “I make the sushi and I have the fish, you bring the rest of the smaller stuff”

At first I had the same thought as you and I was about to back her up, but then I read the second situation. She only asked you to come for burgers and wines, yet she gave you a list as if she was going to make something big. Either she wanted to use you somehow, or she had been making lists for “good intention” like you said then got used to it.

If you want to attend, accept and then don’t take her calls.

You shouldn’t miss time with your family and friends because she is hosting. Just don’t take further calls. If you really want to attend, just turn your phone off until you get there.

“She already knows she is known for brig [being] stingy with money and my sisters joke about how she “dictates” what people bring.”

So, can’t someone call her on it and end the problem?

@chelle21689 No, I invite them over, there are no expectations. If they want to bring something, okay. But I’m inviting you.

I just think it’ll be drama because I know her.

Like the last cook outcome I swear each few hours passed it’s like “can you get ___ I’m out.” “Can you go to so and so’s and pick up a table? I don’t have enough space” “oh yeah tell your boyfriend to bring packs of water EVEN though you’re already bringing a dish to the potluck”

@chelle21689 Sounds like she doesn’t just love to make lists, she also loves to pass orders around. Geez, ordering people around like you’re a boss, a master.

Apart from this “giving lists” trail, what is she like? Is she always so bossy like that in every situation?

She’s usually fun, upbeat, loud..strong personality. But she’s stingy and subtly bossy. It’s not the mean bossy you would think but like the situation above I mentioned. Lol

Have you told her how you feel? Perhaps you should politely explain that this isn’t normal dinner party behaviour and it’s putting you off attending. If you don’t tell her, she won’t modify her behaviour. She may think her request is reasonable.

Or whenever she’s coming to an event organised by one of your family members, provide a list of things she has to bring. Perhaps she’ll get the gist. Personally, I prefer being straightforward. People can’t choose to pretend they don’t understand the message then.

I too have relatives who are very demanding in this way. I just don’t do it. I show up and enjoy myself and when I invite them over I do the work and they enjoy it and don’t help. The end. In retaliation they never give me little Tupperware containers of wilted salad to take home, and this is a wonderful thing.

Why don’t you invite her over and give her the long list of things to buy. LOL She’s family and every family has its odd people. But with the way you describe her, it sounds as if she simply wants to be around you and likes your company but doesn’t want to carry all the expense when you come around. Why don’t you tell her that you don’t always have time to pick up stuff and would be happy to split the cost if she would go and buy all the things.
You don’t say if these invites are on the fly. If it is, it would be natural for her to not have everything. That does happen. She probably figures if she is providing some of the food and cooking (especially the more expensive items) that you can provide the lighter stuff and run the errands.
Now if it seems like you are the only one always given a list and there are other guests then I would be annoyed.
Do you ever take left overs home, or does she just stock her fridge with the left overs? If that is the case than she is using you and you need to talk to her. Best way out of it would be to ask her if she is financially ok. When she asks why tell her you bring food all the time and it seems as if she has these gatherings to stock her fridge. Tell her you mean no offense, that you are simply concerned. Pride will keep her from asking you to bring anything else in the future.

Actually in my circle it is proper. Some guests will call and say “I’m heading to your place in about an hour. Would you like me to pick up anything along the way?”
“Thanks! Please pick up 3 bags of ice for the coolers.”
When they arrive I pay them, usually amid protests, but I insist.

@LuckyGuy Yes, but the situation is reversed here. The hostess is the one who calls and demands, and it’s a grocery list.

@chelle21689 What would happen if you simply allowed your sister’s calls to go to voice mail and showed up on time anyway? Would your sister be able to cope?

I think it’s unusual unless there was some sort of conversation about making a special dish and everyone agreed to pitch in on buying the food.

It’s odd to me for a host to demand people bring groceries every time they come over for a meal, but if I was asked to pick up something once in a while I would happily help out.

It is not unusual for someone to throw a pot luck party, even if the party has some guidelines for what to bring. I also would not find it weird if someone asked for some help like if my MIL asked me to bring the green bean casserole for Thanksgiving it would not bother me in the least. I don’t want her doing as much work as she is already doing to begin with. I don’t mind either situation, I just like to know the expectation early on, not a day before and I need to run to the store and spend an hour cooking.

For the most part I like to go to someone’s house and not have to bring anything. You invited me over and I don’t expect it to cost me anything. LOL. If you come over my place I don’t expect anything from you. I’m talking about family members, that’s what we are talking about here right? Not going to the home of a coworker for a Christmas party and bringing a bottle of wine or some sort of gift to give when you walk in the door. If you don’t want to feed me I’ll come by after lunch or after dinner and you don’t have to worry about it.

Sometimes I will ask if there is anything I can pick up for them on my way over, but I don’t ask if I don’t want to bother.

My guess is your cousin thinks everyone is on board with the idea and appreciates her doing to bulk of the cooking. Add in your parents own a grocery and she probably thinks you get the ingredients free or cheap.

Why don’t you suggest to her – not as a sarcastic comment, but straight and honestly – that she start a catering service and hire employees (and pay them) rather than invite people to parties this way.

If she were my friend and I valued her and had her best interests at heart then I would tell her straight out that her invitations-with-dictated-shopping-lists are off-putting to you (don’t involve ‘and others’ if you can avoid it, because it will indicate that people have been talking about her behind her back, and that’s certainly unfriendly) if not outright rude and cheap. Sandwich that between “nice words” such as: “You’ve been a good friend to me and I like you a lot, but…” [the above]. And then find something else nice to say to her to help her swallow that bitter pill.

One hopes that you and some of her other guests have hosted parties, inviting her with no pre-conditions or chores or expenses, so she knows how it should be done – and that her invitations are reciprocated. (They may not be, if this is how she “invites” others – and you might have to explain that to her as well.)

You could also ask her if this is a cultural thing where she comes from or in the way that she was raised, and you may even have to explain to her as tactfully as you can that “if you can’t afford to put on the gala event, then don’t make it a gala event”. Having people over for cheese and crackers is fine if that’s all that the host can afford. Social events should be about being sociable, and not about “how can I feed the multitudes and make it look like a miracle and cost me nothing?”

Okay, maybe a little sarcasm in that opening.

@snowberry I realize in this case it is the hostess asking. I do not know if the guest offered.

When I am invited someplace the very next sentence out of my mouth after saying “Yes, I’d love to.” is “What can I bring?” I then offer suggestions…. wine? salad? dessert? Brie? firewood?

I figure the hosts are working hard getting their house in order, cooking, and will be left with the cleanup so I try to chip in any way I can.

That is the culture in my area. We never arrive empty handed.

I have a followup question. Why are the hosts hosting? Is it at their place because they have the bigger house or are at a central location. Can they afford it?

In my circle, it’s common for someone to say, “What can I bring?” or “I’ll bring a dessert” but not for the host to dictate a list of ingredients. That seems very controlling and rude.

Why not announce in advance that you will be bringing something homemade? That makes it much more personal. If your sister then asks for additional items, you can say that the time and money you invested in making something on your own should be sufficient.

In my book, an invitation to a meal—unless it’s specifically described as a potluck gathering in which everybody brings a dish—means I’m invited to partake in a meal with no strings attached. By the same token, I was taught always to ask if I can bring something, and if asked for a specific item, I bring it. If told to bring nothing, which is usually the case, I always bring something like wine or some kind of sweet.

Suggestion: Rather than simply refuse her invitations, I would talk to her about this.

Asking for one item is acceptable and expected. “Why don’t you bring dessert?” or “how about that great bread you brought last time?” However, a whole list of things is not ok. Unless she pays you back, then it might be ok.

Does she pay for the items?

@LuckyGuy Next time, instead of waiting for the guest to offer, simply cut them off and say, “I’ll be expecting you to bring salad, a bottle of wine, and a pie for dessert”. Then see how often those guests return to your home.

The OP is describing a very different situation than having the guest offer to bring something and the host accepting. What you do as host is completely normal. What @chelle21689‘s host is doing is very rude.

What a PITA!
I’d start inviting her over and giving her a list. haha
Seriously, I’d out the dinner shoe on the other foot and call her up randomly one day and say
” Do you want to come over for a spaghetti dinner?”
Then give her a list of everything she can bring.

“I thought you could bring the wine, salad, garlic bread and parmesian cheese!”

If you care, invite her over sometime. Tell her not to bring anything but herself.

Guess what guys? She texted me again adding more items to the list she needs. WOW. Never again!

Well, you could make this an experiment… what if you just say no?

I’m afraid of causing drama when I go over there and I honestly would feel bad saying no yet I would be eatin the sushi and feeling bad.

She doesn’t pay me back. I think because it is from my parents shop she thinks I just take them but I actually pay for it because I don’t like taking ingredients from my parents and costing some profit. And yes she keeps the leftover bottles and stuff I bring.

I was thinking of just bringing all the items…the next time she invites me over i was thinking of explaining how I’m reluctant to say yes because I don’t like her giving me a list of things to bring and how it makes me feel and I don’t think it’s right if she invites me over for dinner and how I wouldn’t do that to her. And that I would be happy to bring over something like wine or dessert but not a list of things.

I’m so annoyed right now.

@chelle21689 That’s actually exactly how I would approach it. I always prefer the direct approach. That way, at least you’ll both have an opportunity to explain yourselves.

I just hate feeling so used. I’ll just try not to let it get in our way of catching up today and bring this up when she invites me over again. This is ridiculous.

If it is habitual, which it seems to be, and if it really annoys you, which it also seems to be, and you do nothing, how will things change?

A friend once told me that the definition of ‘insanity’ was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

If you care about your cousin, then it’s time to tell her about how her actions make you feel. If done in a non-threatening manner, the message might sink in. Attempt to find out why she feels that this acceptable behavior. You might be surprised.

@chelle21689 Right now I guess you can suck it up, feel used, which sucks, and just do what she asks. Or, you can call her and say it turns out you can’t make it.

One time I was throwing a party and one of the guests insisted she wanted to bring desert. I hadn’t asked. She told me exactly what she wanted to make. It was a small get together, so that was going to be the one dessert. Last minute she couldn’t make it and so there was no dessert. That’s when I learned not to rely solely on guests to bring food. If you don’t go she will learn the hard way.

However, I think you should go, and then eventually suggest everyone pitching in to fund it and you will get the groceries because you live near the store. You can bring it up at this get together or before the next one. Basically, without saying it directly, you will be saying you can’t afford it on your own.

I think there is a possibility they just view it as free food or very inexpensive for you.

@JLeslie It doesn’t sound like this person is going to be motivated to change by passive-aggressive acts by her guests. If @chelle21689 has a history of bringing free gifts upon demand, then one skipped event is not going to convince the host to stop asking.

@dappled_leaves I said I suggested going and discussing everyone chipping in next time. I wasn’t promoting not going. I hate passive aggressiveness. The OP doesn’t want to go, so not going would just be actucally doung what the OP wants to do. Even if she cancels I think she should talk to her cousin about any future get togethers, because I truly believe the cousin possibly has no idea what it is costing the OP. I’m all for communication. The problem with canceling and then talking to her about it in the future is she will perceive the cancel as you did, as passive aggressive.

@JLeslie I think you may have misread the OP’s comments. She is planning to attend this event, not to skip it.

I know. I think you misread my answer.

I don’t think the issue was mainly about money. I think it was about rude, controlling behavior.

I got the impression it is about the money and also about the chore of it all.

From a “community” perspective, it should be OK to bring items to contribute to the dinner. You don’t want to look like a moocher. On the other hand, if you have to bring the most expensive items, then the moocher label goes to them.

We have a friend who asks us to bring things to dinner at their house, but they provide the (expensive) meats. We are ok to provide the salad, etc. Kind of a pain when they expect us to provide the man-power for cooking, though. It always sucks up at least 5 hours of our weekend time.

Usually when I throw a party or invite guests over for dinner I have several volunteers asking what they can bring or how they can help. I personally would not feel comfortable asking someone to bring a long list of things if they didn’t offer. It sounds like your friend is taking advantage. But maybe she doesn’t realize how it’s coming off or that it bothers you. You’ll have to politely let her know next time she pulls this stunt that you’re unable to continue buying so much food. Tell her you just don’t have the extra money or time. Maybe you can start splitting the dinner parties between you two? She does one week and you do another. If she gives you a grocery list for her dinners, do the same to her.

Actually, sounds like a good way to get a free meal! You provide the place and place settings and assign the food to everyone else!

Heck, you could even pawn out the plastic cups and paper plates

@LuckyGuy It is normal and polite to ask if you can bring something, but usually it’s one thing. A bottle of wine or whatever. It isn’t right for someone to invite someone for dinner, then expect them to provide all the ingredients for the dinner.

This is understandably making you resentful. I really think being honest and telling her is the best way to progress. Yes conflict is uncomfortable. Who really likes conflict? But feeling angry and resentful also feels bad and if you don’t tell her now how her demands make you feel, you will yet again spend an evening eating a meal while feeling hurt, angry and resentful.

If she can’t cope with your honesty, she isn’t a good friend and you don’t want to visit her anyway. Even if she’s a relative, you have to own your own feelings and manage them and she doesn’t have the right to take advantage of your good nature.

I would tell her, @chelle21689, like this: “You know, when you give me a big list of things to pick up at the parents’ store, I don’t get it for free. I don’t just go in there and help myself. I pay for it. Last time I went to your house I spent $30. You can at least pay me back, because I can’t afford it.”

Or you can tell her, Thanks but no thanks. It’s actually cheaper for me to go out to eat. Or as someone suggested. Tell her that you would prefer to bring something you made and not have to go out shopping. Then you can just bring the said item and not feel guilty about eating what she prepared. If at the party she asks why wouldn’t you go shopping, then say the following. “Oh, I see now. I thought you simply loved me and wanted my company”. I guess everyone was right. Act really hurt. She will back pedal at 100 mph.. Look up at her and give her a really wounded look. Bet she will never ask you for another thing. If that doesn’t work than she is simply a leech.