Do you think seeing someone during separation while awaiting divorce is considered cheating?

If the marriage has irretrievably broken down to the point where you are both just waiting for the divorce to finalise then I wouldn’t call it cheating. Divorce can take an eternity to finalise and life must go on.

I don’t think it’s cheating. It’s sort of stupid of him, since it’s not going to look good for him in court (if anyone even mentions it there).

But the divorce is well on its way to completion, you don’t want him and he doesn’t want you, so why would you even care? Cheating takes place when you’re supposedly in a relationship with someone and they foll around. He’s clearly NOT in a relationship with you now.

It seems like with all the other trouble you have, what he does on his own time is really nothing for you to be concerned about. Calling it cheating just doesn’t matter.

Technically, yes. He is either married or he is not, and since he is, it’s cheating.

I think he is pulling the wool over your eyes.

However, you can’t prove that he is or is not having sex. All you know is that you saw him on a date. So then, is he cheating? Who knows.

Many people start dating while they are separated.

It’s not really “cheating”, no. Is it a good idea? I’d say not but I don’t consider it cheating. Your marriage is broken up when you decide to separate. The fact that you’re still legally married doesn’t mean much when you’re living apart, not together, and are having separate lives.

I doubt it would mean much in a divorce court. Many people start dating while separated. The thing that doesn’t look in divorce court is infidelity that happens during the marriage. If you can prove that he was seeing her prior to the separation, then yeah, that doesn’t bode well for him. If they started their relationship after separation, then no, the courts don’t see that as cheating.

Thank you (:

It actually depends on if you are “legally” separated or not. Many states have varying rules about what is considered a “legal” separation. If you are “legally” separated, it would not be considered cheating. If you are not, it would be considered cheating (in the eyes of the law) if you could prove it.

Just a question, I’m not trying to get him in trouble for it, I do think he and the 40 year old are pretty shitty but I was just curious what other people considered it.

Technically it is cheating if the divorce is not final, that said, however, it is not of the same caliber as cheating would be if one was planning to remain married. One must divorce emotionally, just like marriage, the paperwork means nothing, just a formality. Most people end up having a rebound fling while separated. Easier for most men that are usually not the ones coping with the children.

My ex and I divorced when our daughter was 15 and he was onto a new woman within several months. I had zero interest and was invested in healing and enjoying reclaiming my independence. I did not get involved with anyone for the first 18 months after we separated.
I am a form believer in taking lots of space between relationships and one of my strict rules is to never date anyone that i newly separated or not yet divorced for at least 2–3 years min. from a LT relationship.
I don’t care what anyone says, the HEALTHY way to handle a divorce is to get your own boat back on course and learn from your mistakes not run into the arms of another as a band aide for the serious work that one needs to do IF they want to grow and develop better relational skills the next time around.

Many men seem to feel this egoic need to hook up with someone to prove to themselves they are not as much of an asshole that many are, and for the same reasons women do, to feel powerful and desirable after a failed relationship. Rebounds almost always fail, so don’t feel too bad. haha
My therapist told me at the time my ex was running around and I was in therapy doing the work that most men seek out a new woman asap to prop up their sagging egos. haha

wow very good advice ! Thank you @Coloma that actually made me feel better (:

No, it is not cheating. The marriage is over, it is just awaiting contract severance terms by the State. So if this started after the separation, it isn’t cheating.

I did not date until I came to the realization my marriage was over and was not going to heal in any fashion. But my divorce was so long and drawn out, waiting for the decree would have been ridiculous.

He won’t admit to anything, Which I find stupid, They’re always together but he claims they’re only friends, and he tells me he hasn’t slept with anyone, and I am still the last person he slept with, I still love him but sometimes I think the truth sets people free, Me, in this situation, Considering the fact that he gets terribly annoyed when I mention anything about trying to make the marriage work. Divorce is depressing, I think even more so when you’re 7 months pregnant with your husbands child.

You are separated, and you are in the process of divorcing.

Bureaucracy aside, your relationship has ended. So, while legally speaking it may even be cheating, I would be hard pressed to find a reason why you should care, unless there is some messy pre-nup involved or some shit.

Nope, no pre nup, I’m just pregnant and emotional and it wasn’t my choice to divorce.

@L1952 I’m so sorry you are going through this, but…for what it’s worth now, you WILL come out the other side and any guy that dumps his pregnant wife is not worth one tiny bit of your caring. At the very freaking least he should be supporting you through the end of your pregnancy and making sure you and your child are okay and have plenty of family support if a divorce is inevitable. IF he changes his tune after the baby is born and wants to come home, do not let him, without major counseling. DO NOT BE A PUSHOVER, we teach people how to treat us and this weenie needs to know he cannot just waltz in and out of your life and that of his unborn child.

@L1952 I know this is a bitch to deal with, but you need to start closing this chapter and moving on. He has, it’s over to him. Cut your loses and go forward. Don’t wallow in the crap life has dealt you. You can’t get away from the crap till you move forward. Some guys are scum, but we choose if let them wreck our lives or we can move on.

@L1952: It is a tough situation you’re in, because you obviously still like him and you are pregnant, but in a way, what’s going on shows the writing on the wall with this guy. It sucks to have it shoved down your throat this way, but there’s no mistaking that he’s not a nice guy.

Thank you so much @Coloma @Adirondackwannabe and @jca I appreciate your responses (: @Coloma I don’t believe he will ever want to come back because he put in the petition for divorce he didn’t want timesharing. I was giving him until the court date for the divorce to change his mind but he seems very happy in his current situation. I know I will be better after we finally go to court for the divorce and it’s officially done, I wouldn’t even consider a relationship with him after the divorce, My family thinks I’m crazy for even wanting to be with him still at this point.

@L1952 What about the grandparents on your husbands side of the family?
Do they want to be involved with the baby, will you let them? Please don’t keep the baby from them if they are decent people.

@Coloma They were at first when we were still together, Everyone acted very excited about the new baby but since the separation his mom and sister said they both agreed (with my husband) that I should put the baby up for adoption because it’s hard for a single mother to raise a child on her own, With that being said I don’t think they want anything to do with the baby either but I would let them if they wanted, Of course.

It’s over. He’s not cheating. He is going to look like a selfish ass in court anyway.

All his mother would tell me is that she wants her son to be happy, I’m completely fine with that but all he does now is goes to clubs, He’s in the gym everyday, He’s always out with this girl taking her out to fancy restaurants (I only know because of facebook) and going to the racetrack, or to the casino, He’s living his life and that’s fine, Not very mature or responsible but that’s what’s happening..

@L1952 Hint: Block him on FB and don’t let yourself go to his page. You are wallowing which is understandable but not helpful. Take off your wedding ring.

@janbb I know, I should but it’s hard to stop looking and wondering.

If you’re in the process of divorce then the relationship is already severed. So no, it’s not cheating. Not in my book at least.

No.

Legal separation is a time of exploration.

Absorb yourself in your kids for now, then sue the Bastard for all he’s worth.

You should seriously consider getting into counseling/therapy. Not because there’s something horribly wrong with you but because you could use some help and support to process something that was forced upon you (by his selfishness).

Instead of pining for him, you need to learn to grieve. The marriage is dead. He killed it but that’s not the point. Until you grieve, you are stuck and can’t move on. A good therapist can guide you through the process but you’ll be the one doing the work.

How will you know when you’re done? When what he does or does not do is of no consequence to you. You won’t be looking at his fb page not because you’re forcing yourself to not do it but rather because you just don’t have the interest or the time.

Eventually you’ll do an “autopsy” on this dead marriage to see what you can learn in order to avoidthe same patterns in the future. And then a whole new future will be awaiting you.

But for now, be kind to yourself and realize that you need help in this process. And it’s there for you. Just ask.

@L1952

They want you to put the baby up for adoption when you conceived the child in a marriage to their son and there is extended family to help?
These people are crazy, they would rather their own child, grandchild, niece/nephew be adopted out than be a part of it’s life? That’ insane!

They are insane ! It’s sad, He wasn’t that kind of person before but out of nowhere he became a lying cheating jerk who wanted no children.

It would be nice if you requested this question be moved to Social, @L1952, so that modded off responses became visible again. It seems to me like questions get more varied responses and become more of an interesting discussion when they’re asked in Social.

It was asked on another question you posted whether or not he ever discussed this with you before. I still have that lingering question – he was “full speed ahead” with children and then all of a sudden changed his tune?

… goes to clubs, He’s in the gym everyday, He’s always out with this girl taking her out to fancy restaurants (I only know because of facebook) and going to the racetrack, or to the casino,

Document all this information for your records if and when he start crying poor.

@L1952 How long were you married and how long did you two live together before getting married, just for the sake of curiosity?

I think because the legal process of getting a divorce can be so tedious and long, it isn’t realllyyyy considered cheating. However, I think it is definitely, considering you are so far pregnant WITH HIS CHILD, a super douchebag move and he sounds like an inconsiderate asshole. I do believe in karma and I truly think in this situation he will eventually get what’s coming to him. Don’t worry, it will all work out for you in the end, and hopefully not for him. Also, what kind of woman wants to date a man who is still technically married and also has a pregnant wife and a child on the way? Ew.

Can i get an aside here? I know it’s in the general section, but i think it’s extremely important to point this out: stop calling the guy selfish for wanting a divorce.

A relationship is not something you keep going out of charity or pity for the other person, it’s something you do because it makes you happy, if it doesn’t anymore you break it off.

Out of respect for yourself and your partner.

I would much rather my girlfriend/almost wife asked to divorce me, should she find out she’s unhappy in this relationship, rather than keep it going for my sake, lying about what she feels and wants in her life. Fuck that. Life’s too short to pretend you still love someone and too short to waste it on someone who doesn’t actually love you back.

And this is true regardless of children, regardless of friendships, mortgages, anything else.

However, there are douchebag ways to divorce as well as non-douchebag ways to divorce. That’s a choice and it’s abundantly clear what this guy has chosen.

What would be nice, however, is if someone doesn’t just decide to go around randomly spreading their seed, and then decide a few months later “I’m bored with this, I’m outta here.”

Wow… yes this is weird.

Seperated means you are still married. He should get divorced first.

It is also not fair to the other women and if she is smart she should run from him because he is not entirely emotionally there. He is just using her as a comfort.

I am sorry you are in this situation.

I dated someone that was legally separated once and I regret it. He would always talk about his “ex-wife” and compare me to her as well. IT was clear I was the emotional rebound.

It doesn’t say much about him as a person.

It is not any of my business but how did you end up getting pregnant 7 months ago if you guys were thinking about divorce ??

It doesn’t matter if we think it is cheating or not. You can’t force someone to love you and clearly he does not.

You need to be a strong woman and just ignore him completely. Stop behaving like a dog begging your man to come back to you.

IF he loves you he will stop seeing her and beg you for forgiveness.

You are wasting your breath on him.

You need to be strong and just avoid him .

Don’t run after any man that don’t want you. You are making yourself look desperate. You need to be strong for your baby.

@Thammuz

You’re right, he’s not a jerk for wanting a divorce. I definitely blame him for ending it the way he did though. If he wanted a divorce, he could have come to her and told her and then made arrangements financially so he could give her some support as she is, you know, carrying his child. I think he’s an absolute jerk for leaving her high and dry with no monetary support as she’s heavily pregnant while he’s off flitting around. That’s what I find him at fault for.

@seekingwolf

The TC has not stated that he has given her no monetary support.

@Darth_Algar: On other questions she’s posted, she’s indicated he’s left her high and dry.

@Darth_Algar

Yeah, I wasn’t clear, sorry. I’ve read her other posts. He left her high and dry. He won’t pay a dime toward the rent/house, food, or any utilities or anything. That’s what makes him a POS. If you’re going to leave a partner like that, especially one that is heavily pregnant, at least be decent and give them monetary support during the separation and then after the divorce is final, according to the divorce agreement.

Plus, he was originally on board for them to get pregnant. Then had a change of heart after she was in her second trimester, at which point his family (originally also excited and supported) ditched her also. The fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Fair enough, my issue was with the general tone that, to me (having only seen this question) sounded like “he wants a divorce, what a dick”. I now know there are other issues at play here and can safely agree, he’s at the very least an inconsiderate jackass.

@Thammuz – your response got me thinking.

@L1952 has been sending out a stream of these messages for weeks asking about divorce and custody and girlfriends and essentially painting a consistently negative picture of the soon-to-be ex-husband.

There are two sides to every divorce. Right now we have herd @L1952 ‘s side. Now the guy may be an evil jerk – I don’t know him, I don’t know her, I don’t know all of the details of their marriage much less their divorce – and neither does anyone else around here. Except @L1952 .

Like I said, the guy might be a real ass. But I wonder how perfect @L1952 is. Marriages don’t fall apart because of just one person – it takes two. We have heard @L1952 disparage her hubby many times. What would he say about her?

Don’t tell me that I am “blaming the victim” – I don’t know enough to even have confidence that she is a victim.

In the end, we haven’t heard both sides of the story (not that I really want to). And until we know both sides, it’s hard for me to go overboard with sympathy.

I’ve rarely seen anyone in the midst of a divorce who didn’t try to make the other side look as bad as possible. The husband is probably on some other board making the TC look like a gold-digging drama queen.

What we used to ask @L1952 but did not get a clear picture of is if she had conversations with her hubby about children and being a parent. It’s hard to believe, but yet of course it’s possible, that he was all on board with her being pregnant and then all of a sudden changed his tune.

I don’t think it really matters whether we as a collective judge her Ex to be a prick or not. Of course, there are two sides to every split. What does matter is that she gets whatever is legally due to her as the father of her soon to be born child. And that only a lawyer or legal aid can help in.

@elbanditoroso Well said.

You wouldn’t quit your job before landing a new one.

Would you?

If there was a marriage it might technically be called cheating. Nut you have both agreed the marriage is over and the papers are filed, so there is no cheating. Are you at home expecting him home later so you can go to bed together and snuggle? No, you are not. You live apart and are planning divorce. Who is he cheating on?