I guess the only thing you can do is get her information on other ways to discipline so she feels she has an alternative option. This will show you do care about behavior modification, you just simply don’t believe in physical punishment. A lot of people who believe in spanking think parents who don’t spank don’t “discipline” their children in any way shape or form, and that isn’t true.
If that doesn’t work then if you both are willing to talk to your friends or family members who have older children and hopefully some ofthem never spanked, maybe she will begin to understand it isn’t necessary. You get stories about how some of them were spanked and they are fine, but there will be stories of people who weren’t, and they are great top. Hopefully, she will get the point that if you have a choice why hit? Fear of punishment is a lesser desired attitude than wanting to behave well because the person is simply good. We want our children to treat others well, because they have a conscience, and because they want to please their parents, and because they feel good about doing the right thing.
If she believes in spanking for religious regions you might really have an impossible path, because she will care about their behavior and their relationship with God, and if she thinks that Jesus believes a swat makes them better people then that will be difficult to fight. Sometimes people need to believe their parents were good people and so they believe their parents did the right thing, including hitting. We can still believe our parents are good and parent differently than they did.
If you are willing to be the disciplinarian in the house then you can change her mind by doing things your way, and she will see how it works. I have told the story many times of a woman I know who taught school in MS and then moved to MO and she was very impressed that detention seemed to work just as well as corporal punishment. Before moving to MO she just though corporal punishment was the way to go for disciplining students and now she thinks differently by spending so much time with people who don’t agree and seeing the results.
Hopefully, your children will be well behaved overall and the issue won’t come up often. If you have the attitude of fostering respect, they will want to please you, and will respond to your tone as you mention, and when they are old enough to understand why a rule or behavior is unacceptible then when you explain why they will care about what is right and wrong and change their behavior themselves.
I don’t know how often and readily she thinks spanking should be done. I know people who spank their kids all day long on their hands. They kid reach for something they shouldn’t and the parents slaps the child’s hand then the kid acts up a little in a store and the parent swats their butt, and on and on. It can be constant. I know parents who only use corporal punishment for severe infraction in fear of the child’s safet, and it mihgt happen only 2 times while growing up, but the child has the threat of being hit looming.
I feel for you. I can’t imagine having my spouse disagree with me on something like this. It would be very upsetting to me.
I know you will be bothered if she does spank your child. Will she be frustrated if you don’t? Will she feel like you are not doing your part, not helping her with the kids, not being a good father? That you are actually causing harm by not physically disciplining them? I think it’s a possibility, so you might want to dig deeper with her and see exactly why she believes what she does and why.
I don’t think you have to be on the same page as your wife on the issue. I think it would be best if you are, and I hope your wife comes around, but if she doesn’t the kids will learn how you react to bad behavior and how she does, and both reactions will be to deter bad behavior and encourage good behavior, and that will just be how their home is. Unless one of you can’t stand to watch each other parent as you do, then you have a marriage relationship issue that could be a real problem.