How often do you visit the grave site of a loved one?

Only once. At the funeral.

My grandparents are all buried 700–800 miles from where I live. If i happen to be in the area (say, within 40–50 miles of that city), I’ll make the drive and visit the grave. But that;‘s not more than once every couple of years.

I figure they won’t really know if I were there or not.

I would love to visit my recently departed friend’s gravesite all the time but it’s 4 hours away and I can’t drive so probably only once a year. I’m planning a trip for May.

Never.
My mother was cremated, my father is in a graveyard in Santa Fe N.M. my grandmother is in Forest Lawn in L.A. and my Uncle is in Sacramento. Dead is dead, they don’t know or care if anyone visits. lol
I wish to be cremated too, I think the days of being tied to someones grave are passe.

Just scatter me around some beautiful place and be on your way.

My parents were cremated. The crematorium where their ashes were spread is too far away for me to visit. If I was in that country, I would go to visit and leave some flowers. I never thought I would do this, but I feel comfort when I do.

I would like to visit my old house from years ago where my daughter grew up and the pet cemetery we had. Many an old friend buried there but their rock markers and crosses and other memorials were taken down when we sold the house. Nobody wants to inherit someone elses pet cemetery. haha
Man…what a graveyard it was. One dog, 2 cats, a couple of pet bunnies, goldfish, rats, and the historic site of the “Great Mt. Aukum chicken massacre” of 1995. lol

Hattie, Hilda, Hepzebah, Honoroh, Hillary, Hortense, Fajita, Rosarita, Carmelita, and Fat Chick. haha
I still remember them all, slaughtered and beheaded by a Raccoon one cold night when the gate to their yard got left open. and they were massacred in their coops.

AT least 2 times a year. Usually flowers, a letter, etc… It’s comfort & respect for my elders, gparents & cousins.

No, I said goodbye at the grave. We’re done. Why drag it out?

If it were left to me, I never would. I don’t see the point, but I completely understand how some people draw comfort from it.

My wife, on the other hand, likes to visit her father and uncle fairly often (6–7 times/year). She usually goes alone, but when I accompany her, I’ll stroll over to see my grandparents, aunt & uncle who are also in the same cemetery.

My father is buried three hours away, so it’s unlikely I’ll go there very often.

I don’t. I visited them when they were alive.

For the first ten years, I went once a year. Now I never go. I never went back to either my father’s (d 1980) or mother’s (d. 2011) after the funeral.

@gailcalled Whose mysterious graves were you visiting those10 years? haha

Not very amusing, Coloma. Someone very close to me. I prefer not to discuss the details publicly

@gailcalled I am serious, you said you never went back to either parents grave after the funeral so I was wondering whose graves you were talking about? No offense meant.

Never.

Rarely. I prefer to visit the people I loved in my memories and dreams.

Hardly ever.

My dad’s ashes are in a wall about 5 miles away. I’ve been there about 4 times since he died in 2007. But why go there? He isn’t there. If if feel the need to converse with him, I can do that anywhere.

My grandfather died in 1985; but was buried about 400 miles away. I finally made it to his grave in 2000. He was buried next to his wife who had died in 1965. I had been to the grave site at her burial, but never again until I visited my Grandpa.

My other grandmother died in 1974, during the gas crisis. Because we couldn’t get enough gas, only a car full went to the burial. Her grave is somewhere in Oakland CA, but I couldn’t tell you where.

This is one reason I prefer to have my self disposed of in as green a manner as possible. A vista where my kids can sit and enjoy the view and have a picnic and smile.

Never. There would be no reason for me to visit, since they are not there.

Both of my folks were cremated. Dad’s ashes were poured in the ocean.
Mom has an urn, and her own special space in a bank-like wall. Like an apartment of urn holders. It’s 2000 miles away. Haven’t been back. But I’ll probably go whenever I get up to Washington State. It’s a beautiful, secluded place.

I’m curious if any of you feel guilt from not visiting graves? Is the ‘they aren’t there’ a justification for guilt?

No guilt whatsoever. No one is there.

@KNOWITALL Never felt any guilt whatsoever. I can still talk with them, they’re just not in the hole. They’re in my heart.

I go visit my parents gravesite about 6 times a year. Holidays, birthdays, etc. One of the things my mom said to me before she died was that she was afraid no one would visit her grave.
I realize it’s not for everyone.

I said I would visit the crematorium if I was closer, but I totally agree with those who said the people aren’t there. For me it’s more about a quiet, specific space to focus on those who have gone and having somewhere to leave some flowers. I can do and do think of them here (in this country) but I find the environment in the crematorium grounds very peaceful and my parents were ‘distributed’ there together. People find their own ways and places to grieve. My parents have no markers at all. My father felt as most people here do, that a marker was not needed.

@ADirondack In my area it’s practically mandatory & I feel deep guilt if I don’t go. It’s a sign of love to grieve.

One can and does grieve without visiting a grave site. I cannot image my way of remembering being dictated by local mores.

I have a meditation bench in my woods that I often use to visit with and remember the people I love who have died.

Here is a bench with a plaque in memory of my mother, at her retirement residence, near-by. My sister and I drop by occasionally and sit there, but usually we just remember when it is appropriate, whereever we are.

@chyna @KNOWITALL That’s interesting. I knew my father so well, he’d laugh at me for visiting his grave. But my mother would be bummed if I didn’t. I’ll need to think this over a bit more.

eidt: wherever

I still grieve. But what’s the point of going to their grave?

@ADirondack That’s what kills me too. I feel selfish & small if I neglect them. As if I hurt their feelings I guess. :(

@KNOWITALL Hey, I know you keep them in your heart. They know it too. You are a good person.

@ADirondack Yeah, true. They saved me from my bi-polar mom many times, gave me normality, so it’s the least I can do.

Never. I guess I did visit my grandfather’s grave when I visited the family overseas after he died, because the family wanted to go. I haven’t gone back to visit since my grandmother died.

The only other loved one that has dies was my ex-husband (yes, I still had love for him even though we were divorced) but he was cremated and who knows where his ashes might be, because all his family that took possession of them is now dead and they definitely weren’t loved ones of mine. I asked my son if he wanted me to try to track them down, and he declined.

I don’t feel a connection to an urn or to a stone in the ground. I prefer to honor the memory of those I loved by doing things they enjoyed or going to places they liked to go, or just remembering what I liked best about them. I don’t need a “place” to do that – my memories are with me wherever I go.

@KNOWITALL ” In my area it’s practically mandatory & I feel deep guilt if I don’t go. It’s a sign of love to grieve.”

Whoa. You are saying here that to grieve is to visit a grave site – but people can grieve anywhere. Grieving is an emotion; being in a specific place is not a requirement.

Certainly I grieve for people I have lost. But for me, being at the place where their bodies were left to decompose is not a part of that process.

My Grandparents. a couple of times a year.

@Dappled I get that & agree. In my area many are much more traditional. A Social mores I guess.

@KNOWITALL I suppose. If I were trying to express what I think you were trying to express, I would put it very differently: “It’s perceived as love to grieve at the grave site” or “We think that grieving at the grave site shows love”.

In other words, I can’t disagree with the fact of what you do, but I do disagree that everyone must do the same thing.

I don’t remember the last time I visited the graves of any loved ones. I do understand why some people feel a need/want to do it though. For me I have quite a few sentimental items from each of my loved ones that died. I grieve, remember and cherish them through those.

@dAppled I certainly didn’t mean to imply everyone should grieve as I do. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Some people may get comfort from visiting a loved ones grave, I do not. I prefer to remember them with loving memories of their life, not the final place where their body is buried.