If a spouse begins to gain a lot of weight should the other say or do anything different?

Tricky. No one who gains a lot of weight is not aware of it. Neither does s/he expect that no one notices.The thinner partner certainly can ask a few low-key questions and see what happens. There may be some causal issues worth exploring but again, the driver is the larger one. (Hard to imagine that this is fun for either partner.)

My husband has been gaining weight. He’s got an unattractive gut on him now. He brought it up to me, said he was going to see the doctor because there was no way the amount of food he was eating could cause this.
I said, “You finished off a pan of brownies 9which he made) in two days. I only had one piece. You finished off an angel food cake (which he bought) in 3 days. Again, I only had one piece…...” Most recently, for whatever reason, he bought those orange creme Popsicles. He’s the only one eating them.

WOwza. I’ve gained 30 lbs since marriage. My husband says “Hungry babe?” & I got it & didn’t get mad. Works for us.

If you have to tiptoe and walk on eggshells about something so matter of fact, you married the wrong person. As a spouse I think you should be able to mention anything freely (without being a jerk about it)

Ay-Yi-Yi! That’s tricky territory. If the sexes were reversed we both know the Wife Unit would be a heartless beast and come right out and force us on a diet (Husbands are a sorry lot) However this situation calls for tact that 1) As men, we lack sufficient tact by genetic accident 2) As an Engineer, you got a double portion of 1. and c) My wife is watching me type and has already made a trip to the mirror down the hall, I’m afraid she’s going to ask me a question I cannot answer.

No hard and fast rule. Each couple has to decide how to handle such sensitive issues based in the unique dynamics of that relationship.

Could there be a deeper underlying problem such as depression that isn’t evident?

25 years ago when I quit smoking I gained 20 pounds in about five or six months. My boyfriend at the time flat out said you are getting fat. It really hurt my feelings but got me jump started into losing the weight. I’m not really sure if he had been more tactful if I would have taken the hint.

If it’s a recent thing, I’d also be looking for other reasons. Is she depressed? Has her work life or some other important part of her life changed? Is she unhappy about something? Is she happy about something?

It could be as @Dutchess_III she’s got some sort of food amnesia and is not carefully noting the food she’s eating.

I’d talk to her about it, very, very gently and in a non-judgmental way. She may feel bad about putting the weight on and the feeling bad is leading to more comfort eating! If you talk about it, you may be able to suggest you work together to eat healthy food and go for a walk together type thing.

It depends yeah? I’ve put on weight from medication and also from bloody menopause. It is diving me friggen nuts. Like I need my skinny SO, who eats anything he feels like when he feels like to tell me I am fat? However, you know what, yes I would prefer it. Mine keeps telling me I’m bloody beautiful which is more annoying. (I’m swearing a lot since I am having a meno mood swing as I type this).

How does a person bring up the subject? “Gee. I just grabbed a handful of gut that wasn’t there last month.”
Do you say something when she’s snacking on Triscuits between meals? “Are you hungry?”
Should the Triscuits, Ice cream and cookies go out to the birds? If she is the food shopper won’t it just come back or end up in her car?

What @keobooks said. GA

I’ve never known an overweight person who didn’t know they were overweight and didn’t know they should do something about it. It’s very likely the overweight person has already mentioned how upset they are with their weight gain.

Maybe an offhand comment about needing new springs on the back of the bike, or the right side of the car?
Offering to tape her upper arms to reduce tricep flappage before a bike ride.
Pretend to be romantic to carry her somewhere and feign a back injury.

@LuckyGuy That’s basically how my boyfriend did it. We were neked and getting ready to get jiggy with it and he just blurted it out.

I’m thinking maybe the spouse has a medical problem that they are unaware of. Slow thyroid is one I can think of offhand that would cause weight gain. I heard that when diabetics take insulin, the insulin does something to the body’s processing of sugar, so they tend to be heavier than the rest of the population. Those are just two examples.

Weight gain is like a snowball. When it’s harder to get around/move/exercise, then the weight goes on faster. More weight, more sluggish. More sluggish, more weight.

I am not married but this has to be a tough call. I would say the other spouse should suggest some dieting or exercise that the couple could do together. “Let’s try to eat better,” “let’s try to make healthier recipes,” “let’s go to the track” or “let’s try to commit to walking two miles every night” are some things I can think of.

@LuckyGuy Maybe buy her a gift membership too a fancy gym? Or encourage her not to snack, but to make a balanced meal. Is her period near? I know when I am about to get a visit from aunt flow PMS kicks in, and I get cravings for sweets.

I think being direct (not mean!) is the best plan. Something along the lines of “I’ve noticed that you’re suddenly putting on weight, is something wrong? I’m concerned that there’s something medical we need to look into.”
Feelings may get hurt, but as @keobooks says, a marriage that can’t handle some direct communication has more troubles than some extra poundage.

She’s probably just bored shitless with her life and eating is the easiest consolation she can find.

I have no personal insight into weight gain.

Yes, for several reasons.

1) A part of the reason you fell in love with your spouse was for the way she looked. A spouse who gains weight destroys that part and diminishes your attraction towards her. It can go downhill from there.

2) Overweight/Obesity is a greater health risk. If you love her, you would tell her, for her sake.

3) Sets a bad example for the kids. They will think it is ok to be overweight/obese.

@sensin I think the OP is looking for ways to bring this up in a a way seen as productive, if at all.

Perhaps you can frame the discussion around wanting to eat more healthy food and get more exercise yourself. Sort of ‘you know I think I’ve put on a few pounds. These pants are a bit tight. I think I’m going to cut back on the xxx for a few weeks and do a few more walks…’ type thing and see if she says anything. If not, you may need to be more direct and just ask her.

Weight comes and weight goes. My ex was a jerk towards me when I gained 40 lbs. when I was pregnant with our daughter and it took me about 18 months to get my cute little bod back after she was born. Tread lightly, women don’t complain about their men going bald, gaining some weight, and men need to be sensitive towards the changes we all go through.
Now, at 50 something my ex is almost unrecognizable since our divorce 11 years ago.

He has packed on the weight, gone bald and looks like Captain Kangaroo. lol
I’d say it is obvious something is up with this woman, maybe depression.
I am not advocating morbidly obesity but hey, it is not uncommon for people to gain 20, 30, 40 lbs. at different stages of their lives. Menopause kicked my ass and I have struggled with my weight, such is life and the fat shaming in our society is out of control.

I would say talk with her and ask some sensitive questions.
Is she unhappy about something, her work, relationship, aging process? Is she menopausal? . Didn’t we all learn in Kindergarten that people come in various shapes and sizes and we should accept others for who they are?

If you love someone a moderate amount of extra weight should not be a deal breaker. 30 lbs. not 300 lbs. My guess is she is either unhappy or going through hormonal shifts that can cause expansion and cravings. Depressed people crave carbs for the brain chemical effect. When women gain weight it is usually because they are unhappy about something, often their relationships.

I can remember being more excited about making a sandwich than sucking my exes dick. haha

@Coloma hahaha !

Find it intensely erotic and encourage it.

It’s an impossible situation. A lot of jellies above mentioned people already know they are gaining wieght, but I would argue that is not always true. They might know they gained a little, but it is not uncommon for someone who has gained 20+ pounds to see themseves in a photo and think, WTF?! My father who has been overweight practically his entire adult life once told me he didn’t realize how much weight he really had gained, and then one day finally he was obese. All the overweight stages in-between were like a blur, or creeped up in an insidious way.

With my own weight, I just want to get back down to my old fat weight, which seems thin to me now. Weight is tricky.

I think the best thing is to not ask for crap food to be kept in the house. Sometimes women especially wind up buying food for their husband or kids and then eating it themselves. Of course sometimes they are buying the crappy food for themselves. Also, think about a possible underlying cause. Boredom, unhappiness, stress, thyroid problems, new medication.

If you suddenly want to go on a health kick she might know exactly what you are implying. I know I said above some people don’t realize how much they have gained, but most people do have some awareness, and they aren’t stupid. However, it is probably the better way to go about it, rather than saying, “you’re gaining some weight,” or, “you’re getting fat,” or, “if you keep eating like that your clothes aren’t going to fit anymore.”

If your marriage is part of the underlying cause and your spouse becomes critical of your weight, it really is a mess of a situation. Any negativity and the person is likely to eat more.

I read that one reason a lot of women gain weight after they are married is because they eventually eat as much as their husbands. Makes sense to me.

If anyone I was in a relationship with hid or discarded food from me because they deemed that my weight gain wasn’t acceptable, I would most likely end the relationship as soon as I found out. It would indicate, above all, that they were treating me like a child by trying to control what I can/can’t do. Secondly, it’s a very passive-aggressive move (taking control, but being too cowardly to actually say something to the person), and I simply have zero tolerance for passive-aggressive people.

The only mature thing to do is talk about it. Most people experience weight fluctuations at varying points in their lives, so it’s definitely not worth it to make a mountain out of a molehill. If it’s a significant weight gain, say you’ve noticed that her eating habits have changed and that you’re somewhat concerned if first and foremost she’s okay emotionally, and then that you’re starting to get a little concerned about her health. Then ask if you can help at all, either by listening if she wants to talk about something, and then supporting her in whatever way she wants/needs you to.

Yes, of course they should, on health grounds if nothing else.

@JLeslie The husband does not eat the junk food and has not gained weight. He will eat baked goods and junk only to reduce the amount left for the spouse to eat. @DrasticDreamer Is the above behavior passive aggressive? I am not sure.

If a spouse finds crack/alcohol in the house should they throw it out without consulting with the crack addict/alcoholic? If they leave it where found can they be accused of enabling?

I did want to mention too that my aunt has Alzheimers disease. In the very early stages, before anyone knew she had the disease, she started eating like crazy and gained a lot of weight. Now she is still eating like that and hoarding food.
I’m not saying the female in your question has this disease, I’m only saying that there could be an underlying issue that you should look for.

“For those who say she is an adult and is making her own choices, would you leave crack out in front of a crack addict? Would you drink or leave alcohol in front of an alcoholic?”

You can’t be serious with this comparison…

I agree with @livelaughlove21 absolutely. Crack and alcohol are both substances one can live without. Food is not.
If this person is a mentally competent adult, treat him/her as such! All these suggestions for “hinting” at this, or “buying a membership to that” or anything that does not directly address your concerns for the spouse’s issue are insulting.
Like @DrasticDreamer, I would be deeply offended to be treated like a child about this.

@LuckyGuy As long as when he eats the scraps he is not going on about how delicious that slice of cake was, then I will agree he is not part of the cause the food comes in the house. If he loves the chips and cake also, then it doesn’t matter that he did not ask for them and that he is still thin. People fail to understand that positive feedback causes repeated behavior. If my husband loves something I make or bring into the house, I am more likely to have it in the house again, because I like that he is in a happy mood when he eats it. It’s a nurturing thing I think, and also a way of having more happiness in the house. Unfortunately, sometimes it backfires in the long run. We say my FIL sabotages my MIL bringing home sweets and all sorts of bad food, but I think in his head he is trying to make her happy. She desn’t ask for any of it, she wants to lose wait.

I really think there is something underlying most weight gain if it is more than 10 pounds. That can’t be ignored in my opinion. I don’t mean it has to be some deep paychological trauma, it could be as simple as it is an overwhelming time in life with a lot of crap hitting the fan at once. Helping make life easier might have the side effect of the person eating better again.

My husband tells me I’m fat in not so many words and it isn’t helpful. However, my mom can tell me I gained weight and I can laugh it off and not care what she says.

The one thing that royally sucks is in my experience once someone eats porrly and too mich for an extended period of time, it is really really hard to revert back to healthy eating and smaller portions.

I do think it is addictive behavior. Food can be used as an avoidance. If you soend time thinking about what you shouldn’t eat, or what you might prepare, and then spend time preparing it, and then spend time regretting what you ate, and then spend time bargaining with yourself about how you are going to make up for the bad eating by only eating vegetables tomorrow, then you have just burned three hours thinking about food rather than how your marriage isn’t as loving anymore, how your job sucks, how you might be on the verge of getting fired, how you can’t make a decision about whether to put your mom in assisted living, how you are in mourning about your arthritis getting worse, and on and on, whatever it is, big or small.

If they notice the weight changes, but the partner seems perfectly comfortable in their own skin, they shouldn’t say anything. If their love is truly unconditional (the way spousal love is supposed to be) the change in appearance should be a moot point as long as the spouse’s own happiness and health are unaffected. After all, the vows are for in sickness and health, and we all will inevitably change for the worse, since time, gravity and trauma and illness will take their toll sooner or later. However, if they notice that their own feelings are negatively impacted by the change in their partner, than they have to address their own issues of superficiality.

If the spouse who is gaining is complaining about the weight, then the partner should be supportive of efforts to control and reduce it. The might say, “I don’t like to see you being so down on yourself, what can we do to change that?” They can suggest enjoyable activities to get them moving, and be supportive of healthy dietary changes and not sabotage their partner’s intentions by eating a lot of junk in front of them, etc.

There were times in my life where the eating and the weight were a major part of my mental-illness – I was a compulsive over-eater. I ate to comfort myself, and to wallow in my self-pity. It’s the twisted comfort of the perfect perpetual circle of self-loathing and self-fulfilling prophecy. In retrospect, I also think there are times when I ate and gained subconsciously in defiance of my partner – as a test to see if their love really was unconditional.

I still have problems with my weight, but my self-worth is no longer dependent upon it. Food is the hardest addiction to break, because you can’t quit cold-turkey. We have to eat to survive, and it is a major part of our culture and social lives. Food is everywhere – especially the temptations of fast, easy, unhealthy food. People pick on you if you’re overweight, but they also pick on you if you’re high-maintenance about what you will eat. Sure, it’s a major ‘first-world’ problem, but the first word lifestyle really makes it that much harder to change.

My understanding is also that women gain weight after menopause. I read that it distributes the fat more to the stomach and makes the breasts larger so the result is less of a waistline. Could that also be the issue?

Whatever the cause, I don’t think its a terrible thing to mention weight gain to your spouse. Even if you have to couch it on medical concerns and say they may want to check in with a doctor. If you want to dress it up and say she looks especially voluptuous, that’s fine.

I wouldn’t be snarky about it or make jokes, because that would be dickish. But I think it’s fair game to mention it.

@jca I think it is true menopause causes some changes that add a few pounds, but if the person is actually eating more and eating badly then that still is adding to the poundage. I also think metabolism simply slows as we age, and we need to decrease calories a little to stay at the same weight. Most women as they age look a little better if they add a few pounds if they are usually very thin. The old saying that once you reach a certain age you have to decide between your face and your ass.

I like these answers. They are so diverse.

That is one of the things I love about this place.

Of course you should mention it. You should also ask them to go to the doctor… and maybe a therapist.

Although, neither of those tactics have helped my now morbidly obese husband lose weight.

Neither has:
– telling him I am not physically attracted to him
– asking him to be a better role model for our children
– buying and cooking only whole foods
– setting a cash budget for food consumed outside of home
– setting a budget for all food
– rewarding weight loss with sex
– encouraging healthier choices
– encouraging him to set goals
– requesting that treats be homemade instead of store bought
– talking about it in marriage therapy

I realize this list makes me sound like a cold bitch. I assure you that I have been as patient and loving as my direct nature allows… but summarizing attempts in bulletpoint leaves out the tone and mannerisms in which these efforts were made.

Ultimately people have to take responsibility for themselves and will only make the changes they are prepared to make. Talk about things that effect you (such as food spending, for example). Be patient and nurturing. Overeating can come from a place of emptiness, loneliness and pain.

@LuckyGuy

You’re welcome.

@JLeslie: Someone in my family, who is now about 65, was always athletic, professional dancer, owned an aerobics studio, etc. Now, she is still probably the weight she has been since high school (and proud of it, 127 lbs), but she has to work her ass off (literally) to maintain that weight and physique. We suspect she had bulimia but regardless, usually eats like a bird. Her waist and hips are now a bit more shapeless now that she is older, but again, she busts her ass to maintain it. The average woman (and man) don’t work out like that. Their metabolism slows (as you mentioned), they eat more, they enjoy food more, they may go out more, and it all adds up.

@jca I agree with the menopause thing. I have to work my a$$ off now just to drop a few pounds and the weight has redistributed to my middle too. It sucks. Too bad, but I am NOT going to kill myself anymore to maintain some perfect figure. As it was I spent years walking 3 miles a day, working out with weights, riding my horse on 10 mile trails twice a week and living on 1,500 calories a day to maintain about 126 lbs.

I was always hungry and lived on yogurt, tuna sandwiches and salads. Screw that anymore, not gonna happen. lol I’ve earned some extra weight these days and by freakin’ gawd if I want to eat Vanilla wafers in bed and watch a movie piss off. haha

@jca I agree with everything you said.

I have one girlfriend whose mom has always been very thin, and fairly tone. Not big musckes, but more tone than the average woman I would say. Partly because she was on the skinny side she did not have that layer of fat that often hides the muscles on a woman, but she did exercise also. In her 60’s she is still very thin. She busts her ass working out. Works out much more than when she was younger with weights and doing aerobic exercise, and she continues to eat like a bird as she always did. She looks older than she has to. I think if she gained just 5 pounds she would lose at least 5 years. However, I respect her perserverence even though there is a little OCD in there. She is a little OCD about more than one thing in her life. She used to vacuum every night for example, I don’t know if she still does it.

As far as weight being in my middle, my weight has always been there.

I’m just thinking I will add that my mom lost about 12 pounds when she retired. She already had been in menopause for several years. She said she didn’t change her basic eating habits or exercise, but didn’t have the candy that she used to eat that was in bowls around the office, and wasn’t eating birthday cake every month and whatever food various employees brought in. So, I guess her eating habits were different in a way, my only point is the extra calories were from outside sources.

My grandmother lost 20 pounds in her 40’s and kept them off permanently. She said it took a few years for her new portion size to be nornal. For the first few uears she always left the table a little hungry, or what she said was short of feeling very full. She also started picturing a skull and cross bones on sweets and fatty foods in general.

Having a giant glass of wine and cashews right now. lol

I’m going to have to confiscate those. Would you like to take a walk with me and eat some kale instead?

@jonsblond Hell no, I actually have a jar of dried and salted Kale from the garden here, it tastes like shit but looks cool in the jar. hahaha

Apparently, there are some great kale snacks about now that are supposed to taste nice and be fairly healthy. I haven’t tried them. They could taste like crap but I read a blog about them the other day.

Kale is edible only when it is thinly shredded and dropped, raw, into very hot soup.

@gailcalled Truer words have never been spoken. Kale is like Seaweed, one must disguise it well to make it palatable.

My sister keeps sautéing it with garlic and EVOO and I pretend to like it, but I don’t.

Kale is horrible. It also is now on the list for too many chemicals if you care about that. Unless you buy it organic. I like Spinach much better, and I doubt there is much difference in vitamin and minerals. I think Spinach also is on some list for chemicals. I tend to ignore the list.

I’d gladly go for that walk. 1 mile burns about 100 calories – walking or running. So does 15 minutes of rolling in the hay.

@LuckyGuy and..don’t forget pitching hay, what I do every day too, I roll in the hay by default. Nothing like Alfalfa flakes in your bra. lol

What really burns the calories is walking up hills. On this property here I am constantly walking up and down hills and I walk backwards a lot too for the upper thigh action. haha
Down the hill to the horse barn, back up the trail off the yard at about a 45 degree grade, up the hill to the chicken coop, rustic stairs made from railroad ties. Down the hill and driveway to turn on the orchard water, back up the hill to let the geese and ducks out of their barn.

Just walking anywhere around this property is a workout.

Did someone say roll in ze hay?

@jonsblond Haha…she looks like she is about to be ravished by a monster all right. lol

Kale is a wonderful garnish. We used to use it under the seldom eaten cinnamon apple ring for you youngsters. Pretty things on your plate that not only weren’t meant to be eaten, but were gauche to eat, to an extent. Of course, as kids, we liked the apple rings. Even then the kale was trash.

Tell the spouse but be sensitive and don’t be rude. Personally, when it comes to my body and sex (my performance) I want my bf to be very honest and very open with me. But when it comes to my bf,I’ve never been really the type who is very concerned with his appearance. As long as he is still healthy, I’m fine with that. I’m such a worrier when it comes to the health of my loved ones, I have the tendency to really panic.