What does it mean when your father is afraid to tell other people you're gay?

P.s. I’m from China.

I think there are probably several factors at play here. I have to admit I don;t know much about what the public attitude to homosexuality is in China but the impression I get is that it’s not good. So there may be some shame involved. He may also worry that, as he works for the government, his job may be at risk if people find out that his son is gay. But also it may be that he is trying to protect you from other people’s negative reactions. He doesn’t want you to be bullied or hurt or discriminated against.

I am sure that if your father shared the fact that you are a homosexual he would be persecuted. While he may be able to accept your sexuality, many people he works with, especially those in positions of authority, will not. As long as your government is opposed to homosexuality it is best for you and your family that he not tell others.

Like @downtide, I am not familiar with the social stigma of the LGBT community in China, so I looked it up. If there is any truth to this article, it sounds as if it is basically on par with the US. In short, the last two decades have seen progress towards acceptance, but the battle is not over. If this is the case, then it is understandable why your father may be reluctant to mention it to his co-workers.

People don’t always talk about their personal lives within the work environment. It’s one thing if it pertains to how it will impact the work environment (pregnancy, vacation, illness, etc.) Finding out that their their child is gay doesn’t fall into the need-to-know category.

On a more personal level, he may still be overcoming concerns. He may still worry about how society will treat you for a variety of reasons. It may be even more personal. Parents have dreams for what their children will become. The fact that you are gay may have blown those dreams up, especially if they are of the traditional nature.

Why not be thankful that he has processed this information as quickly as he did and is coming around. It sounds as if he still loves and cares about you. That’s much more than some children get, no matter what their gender is. My advice is to focus on that.

A question for you: What is unclear to me is why you now look upon him less favorably. How would your ideal dad publicly react to this information?

We can’t change your father’s opinions, attitudes or feelings about homosexuality but as more people come out in China, the presently held perceptions will change and then popular opinions will change, as they have in the US and elsewhere.

In the US, 30 years ago, the idea of gays marrying was not popular, or even considered by most people. Now it’s law in many states. I think what really started the ball rolling was Rock Hudson being diagnosed with AIDS in the early 1980’s. Rock Hudson was before my time, really as a celebrity, but apparently he was so admired by people as being masculine and handsome, when it came out that he was gay and had AIDS, it became less shameful for people to admit to being gay.

In my opinion it definitely does not have to mean he is ashamed. If you feel from him he loves you, accepts you, is willing to meet your partner if you have one and welcome him into his home then I think things sound good.

He might not be advertising you are gay for many reasons. Why didn’t you tell your parents you are gay as soon as you knew? I assume you didn’t. He might be reworking his own identity as a father of a gay son. He might be dealing with his mourning of the picture he thought he had for the family in the future. He might be worried about how others might judge. He also probably didn’t walk around saying his son is straight, so why start talking about your sexuality now?

He is afraid of the shame. It is a cultural thing.
My wife thought my daughter might be gay, and voiced her concerns to me. I had no problem with it.

Thanks to @downtide . Here in China, actually people knew few about LGBT people and their attitudes vary. But few people will bully or physically hurt LGBT people.
I’m okay with this fact, and I think there are many good people in my class.(I’m in university.) Maybe he just haven’t figure out a way to tell his colleagues…Sigh.

I have the impression that your father’s choice to be secretive about it is that he is concerned of the social pressures that could impact him in his job and his standing in the community, and thus make it harder for him to provide for the family.

You indicated that your mother said ”We still love you,” which sounds to me like it included your father. He is just maintaining appearances to avoid persecution for you, himself and the family.

Sometimes there are different ways to show love; and in many restrictive cultures and patriarchal societies, the way men show their love is through their dedication to keeping their family safe and comfortable.

@Pied_Pfeffer I once broke down when I was in high school. I was so frustrated. I love them, so I don’t want them to be sad about me being gay and actually I didn’t know what to do with my own sexual orientation then either. But they loved me so much and I also think they don’t want me to suffer that. When I broke down, that was the first and only time ever in my life I saw him cried. That really just hurt me so much. So I thought, everything’ll be better. I must cheer up, for I have a dad like this, caring about me so much.

I am with @Bill1939 on this one. This goes waaaaaaaay beyond just being ashamed. This could affect your father’s—and your family’s—livelyhood and even your freedom and safety. China, especially mainland China or any of its offshore possessions, is not the place to come out of the closet unless you are prepared to be on the vanguard of a social and political movement considered so radical that government sanctioned persecution is a reality. By coming out, you may also expose members of your family to persecution as well. You are living in a country which is the most prolific provider of torture devices to the rest of the world. You think about that.

Give your father a freakin break. He accepts that you are gay yet you want him to scream it from the mountaintops. He could have been a real bastard and disowned you, yet he still loves you. Leave the guy alone, what more do you want from him.

Any parent would feel “sad” as you said yourself. I would too and I am a parent and a grandparent. We want our children and grandchildren to fit into society and not have a hard time at just plain living. You being Chinese is even more reason for your father’s mixed feelings about having a gay child.

sigh

@Pied_Pfeffer I don’t really care if he talks to people around him about this. I just wonder if this means he is ashamed of me or he is still frustrated about this thing. And I feel like there’s nothing I can do..

@hearkat Thanks. “Sometimes there are different ways to show love; and in many restrictive cultures and patriarchal societies, the way men show their love is through their dedication to keeping their family safe and comfortable.” Maybe that’s the point…maybe, Maybe he’s trying to protect me…now I feel so moved.

Maybe he just feels that it is on you to tell people. If I had a gay kid I wouldn’t introduce them to my friends as my gay son. Your sexuality is only relevant to you and your partner.

I’m with @johnpowell on this. Why would he discuss your sexuality with anyone? If you were heterosexual, would there be any discussion? I doubt it, so do what you can to let it go. It sounds like your dad loves you and is trying to keep you safe from the bigots in his life.

You don’t know why your father doesn’t want to tell everyone about your sexuality. You assume it is because he is ‘afraid’. You are doing him and yourself an injustice by thinking like this. Why should he announce your sexuality to the world? I have never felt inclined to announce my children’s sexuality to anyone when it is none of their business. You are fortunate to have understanding parents who accept you as you are. Now you must accept them as they are.

Say you are thankful for their love & acceptance. Ask why it is a problem. You must be brave & ask before being hurt ok?

He is considering those who might have a problem with it, that they may get upset.

I don’t understand why your father would need to be sharing your sexuality with anyone he knows, much less the government of China.

If you’re able to live your life to a reasonable degree, I’m amazed, and I’d be most concerned about maintaining that.

I am with the I don’t get it crowd. The question shouldn;t be why doesn’t he, it should be, why would he? What in the world is his reason for sharing? I am not ashamed to be wearing undergarments, but i don’t shake hands with some one and then announce the color of my underwear.
Your preferences are your business, private, and not a topic of conversation for anyone but you, and certain acquaintances. I can’t imagine one of my parents meeting someone for lunch, and saying, “My daughter is divorced, but she stopped having intimacy with her husband long before that.” Good grief! Put some perspective on your thinking. It seems to me your parents are loving, accepting, and respectful. Why are you not grateful to have such a wonderful family?
I think you should just calm down, and live your life. It sounds like a good one.

A Lot of my Asian friends, especially older, are concerned about ‘losing face.’ Maybe it’s that to a certain generation.

@Here2_4 @ibstubro @flutherother @tedibear @johnpowell Thanks to you guys. Well the thing is, he don’t want to tell any people around him, neither does he want me to tell anybody around me.
Things can spread fast here. Chinese people kind of like to talk gossips a lot, and there are indeed some students whose parents know my dad.
So I guess he’s actually a little afraid or hasn’t been prepared yet.
But now I also think he loves me deeply. (Well maybe my mother told him before I did and talked to him a lot of things, but..I still think he loves me.)
This request may seem a little unreasonable to your guys right?..To tell me not to tell any of my friends about me being gay..But in China I think, which I don’t like, that could be a thing to mind.
Yet I’ve already told three guys and their reaction was really cool.:b They were like, “Oh,okay,I get it.” Guys of my age react much better on this issue than those of my parents’ age, I guess. But there’s still a long way to go.

@wsxwh111 Your dad is just worried about you. He wants to protect you. He is afraid.

I think your safety and security are the most important things, @wsxwh111.

Your father understands this better than you can. Better that you ask, “Dad, what friends did you loose when you were my age?”, than “Dad, why won’t you help me be more gay?”

If you allow one aspect of yourself to define you, you give other people a focal point to disallow/hate you. If “gay” is how you define yourself in modern day China, you risk death.

Be glad that your father cherishes you as a child enough to protect you from your government.

Actually China is one of the few countries in the world where homosexuality is not and has never been illegal (the only other one I know of is Turkey – I’m sure there’s a third but I can’t remember which it is now). The OP doesn’t face death from his government for being gay, though that doesn’t mean there won’t be state discrimination, for him and his father. Like being rendered unemployable, for instance.

@downtide. Very interesting. It’s a good thing considering there are so many more men than women in that country. It also helps keep the population down, which is a goal of the government.

@ibstubro Thank you. But I don’t get it..Do you mean if I don’t see this thing correctly, I have a risk of committing suicide?
I think you are definitely right. Being gay doesn’t mean anything. Who I am does.

I don’t think @ibstubro was referring to suicide.

Being gay doesn’t mean anything. Who I am does.

Right on. Now, if your dad doesn’t even want to mention that he has a son, that could be a problem!

He just grew up in a generation where it was not accepted at all so it is difficult for him to talk about it.

I don’t think you should take it too personal or as a weakness on his part.

It does not necessarily mean that he doesn’t love you.

What I have found is that our generation are more comfortable with communicating openly about all kinds of issues. Our parents generation are not . I am in my 30s.

I often get frustrated with my parents inability to communicate effectively.

I think that is also one of the reasons why in our parents generation it was perfectly normal to beat your child if they did something wrong but in our generation we don’t really agree with it. They didn’t really know how to communicate back then. You just accepted those in authority and that was that.

Our generation however question those in authority. Maybe your dad is struggling with that.
To him you coming out is probably a bit rebellious and too modern for him .

Just chill. You have your own life to live. You can’t sweat about all this craziness lol. Chill

I disagree with my parents everyday and I am not gay.

Your parents will never fully understand you and you will never fully understand them.

@chinchin31 Wow you really know what was going on with me don’t you.
Thanks a lot, dude, it helps :)