How can we convince this guy that he HAS to lose the weight?

He doesn’t have to lose the weight. As long as there are enablers enough, and if he doesn’t mind losing his own life, why should he care about losing weight just because others make noise about it?

Why would she be living with a man so soon when she has young kids? There are so many red flags here – and were from the beginning if he was so overweight.

That’s a lot of weight. I’m under the impression that the growing science on obesity is leading towards a near statistical impossibility for long-term, non-surgical weight loss.

It sounds like this guy is not particularly interested in losing weight. And even if he was extremely interested, weight loss that would result in increased mobility and health would be nearly impossible without surgery. It appears that your friend is likely going to have to decide if it’s worth living with this guy, who is apparently ok with progressively getting more and more immobile and unhealthy.

I can’t imagine anyone would choose to be with someone (and have their kids around someone) who is comfortable with intentionally handicapping himself, and assuring that his loved ones will be taking more and more responsibility for his care.

Long story @janbb.

@CWOTUS You’re right. He doesn’t have to lose the weight. How do we convince him that he wants to?

http://www.oa.org/newcomers/family-and-friends/

That’s depressing @hominid.

I sent that link to my friend, @kevbo. Thanks.

You can’t convince anyone to change and the more invested you become the more codependent you are. This woman started a relationship with an already, morbidly obese guy, she either accepts him as he is or she moves on.

My friend said it’s like dealing with a drug addict in denial.

That’s exactly what it is. And your friend may be frustrated but she is also codependent for not confronting him with the need to address his problem.

She needs to not feed him, to not enable him, and she may need to break the relationship. And yes, the kids need to be told, “he is sick, and won’t go to the doctor, so we have to leave him until he gets better.”

She doesn’t feed him! He makes most of the meals. It’s not like he’s a 5 year old and she has full control over what and how much he eats.

And she has tried to talk to him. That’s how she knows that he doesn’t feel it’s a problem.

@Coloma That’s where I was coming from too.

No one can do anything right now. If HE decides he needs to change, others can help and support him. But that is it.

She must be desperate. He isn’t going to do anything about it. It’s just going to be more work for her.

She really does love him, but his weight is making it impossible for her to sustain it. Feelings of contempt are growing.

Like others have said, she/you/we can’t convince him to do anything. If he is mentally competent, doesn’t live in a cave on Mars, and has at least an average IQ, he knows what’s going on.

I think you need to convince your friend to deal with her own issues, like if this is a great concern for her, why is she continuing this relationship? Why is she continuing to let her young children get more and more invested in a relationship with this man who may break their hearts?

The boyfriend’s weight is a secondary theme, here.

I actually suggested she get some counseling, @canidmajor. She’ll be looking into that this week.

@Dutchess_III “How do we convince him that he wants to?”

You don’t. You can’t. Only he can decide that he wants to and he does not want to. It’s like an addict – you can stage all the interventions you want, you can send them to rehab as much as you want, but until they decide that they want to clean up they’re not going to stay sober. The only thing your friend can do is choose to continue the relationship as is, or to break it off.

Why not approach it as a health issue instead of a weight issue? Help him to understand that exercise and healthier eating habits are the way they he gets to stay around for this woman and her children.

Don’t let him fall into the weight loss trap! He needs to understand that his “relationship” with food and exercise are not healthy.

The odds of this person losing and keeping the weight off are extremely small as it is.
Losing over 200 lbs. without serious medical intervention/surgery is highly unlikely.
Bottom line, hate to say it, but the guy is most likely a lost cause. It’s sad, but there is a saying that ” The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior.”
This man has a lifetime of habits and possibly a metabolic disorder that have led to his gross obesity issues.

Doesn’t look good in the long run, either way.

This is so sad. I am so sad for her. She says she’s torn between feelings of sadness and anger.

He is slowly committing suicide – and taking her with him.

It’s a pretty safe bet their sex life is zero. Does she want to live that way for the rest of her life? Does she want to end up taking care of an overweight blob 5 years from now when he has a foot removed due to diabetes?
She needs to talk with him and make measurable, absolute goals and deadlines. “You will weigh less than 350 pounds by XXX or I am gone.” Then follow that up with the next goal. It would be a kindness to all.

She might be surprised to see he values a Hostess Twinkie more than her. If true, she needs to get out ASAP and not waste precious time. Life it too short.

When people say they are comfortable with excessive weight, they are lying. Not always in denial. They just tell this to other people because they don’t want to be bothered with getting healthy. It is uncomfortable to lug around the excess weight. It is uncomfortable to have to go up steps, to carry stuff, to walk around and do things that doesn’t require much effort for someone who isn’t overweight. It’s annoying to feel most of your day goes into feeding yourself. To limit most of your activities to sitting behind a desk, or the couch and see the sun go up and go down and not to be able to enjoy going out because you are too tired, or afraid of stares or comments from strangers. But most of all it is uncomfortable to not be able to breath without getting winded like you are 90 years old and have your bones ache and not be able to actually get a good nights rest. Most people with massive weight gain end up suffering with some sort of sleep apnea.
If he really loved himself, he would do what is necessary to get in shape and get healthy.
The problem is that he doesn’t love himself enough to care. It hard to take responsibility for his poor health, especially if in admitting it, he knows he has to do something about it and it isn’t a quick fix. It is going to require real work on his part.
I don’t know how you can go about convincing a person that they are worth the trouble of diet and exercise, and that others are worth him trying to stick around. I would start with him visiting a physician and the physician break down for him how the extra weight is lessening his life and quality of life.

@Pandora I agree, however, I think it is possible to love yourself and gain some weight, but 40 lbs. is not 400. It is important to love and accept ourselves, within reason. I am not going to kill myself to maintain my 20 yr. old body anymore, I honestly don’t care to work as hard as I did for decades on maintaining the perfect size 7, but I am also not going to weigh 2,3, 400 lbs. What is so bizarre to me is HOW a human body can get that big!

I truly think something else is going on with these types of morbidly obese people, I know for a fact that I couldn’t gain that much weight or eat that much if I tried. It is reaslly mind boggling that a body can even expand to those proportions!

There is much about morbid obesity we don’t understand yet and that’s why trying to convince someone to eat less, or even them wanting to diet, is not likely to work. Since this is a very new relationship, again I question why she got so involved so quickly, especially with young children’s feelings involved. He’s not their Dad.

This is hard for me to read in a way. I just hit the 250 mark (and I am only 5’3”). I am scared to death and want to change. So far I don’t have any real medical problems. But the weight most certainly affects my life.

I have been gaining weight steadily since I was 18 for the most part. I have a big problem with emotional eating. I had been in therapy for years and years. But, 5 years ago I moved and couldn’t keep the same counselor. Now, I can’t afford one and there are no places that are any decent that take state aid.

There are no OA meetings near me and the online ones don’t do squat for me. I have tired this and that to eat better or to exercise. I can never get it to stick. If I don’t see any progress in a month, my motivation goes away.

I am lost and I am scared.

Sorry to derail this. This isn’t about me. But this is heavy on my mind. Thank you for letting me get a little bit of this out of my head.

Their bio father is not in the picture @janbb.

You’re fine @anniereborn. Check out this link that Kevbo provided.

Hmmm, I wonder, what @anniereborn could have meant by “there are no OA meetings near me and the online ones don’t do squat for me”....

@Dutchess_III What I meant is that he’s not their father so she did not need to commit herself so deeply or so quickly to the relationship. I feel – and this is a judgment – that it is irresponsible to move in with someone so quickly when you’re children may be hurt when the relationship doesn’t last. But I am sorry for the fix she is in now.

You said that she told you that it’s like dealing with a drug addict.

You need to tell her that it’s exactly dealing with an addict not LIKE dealing with an addict. The drug of choice is too much food rather than something illegal.

And therein lies the problem. With illicit drug addicts one does have some leverage because they are breaking the law and jail sometimes helps them wake up.

But this guy is in active denial. The only leverage she has is to leave him. But sadly that may not be enough.

But the longer she stays with him, the longer she delays the possibility of finding someone else for a healthy relationship.

You said she alternates between sadness and anger. Getting in touch with the anger is a healthier alternative as it may spur her on to make positive change.

The sadness just keeps her passively locked into a dysfunctional codependent relationship with a dedicated addict (one who is dedicated to his addiction).

Neither she nor you can change him. He’s obviously content with things as they are. The only possibility of change is if SHE CHANGES something.

That something would be her willingness to continue in this dysfunctional relationship with an addict in his denial.

Her leaving might be enough to snap him out of his denial. I realize that’s easier said than done, but if she doesn’t change, it’s clear that he won’t either since he is just fine with the status quo.

I’m going to recommend a book which may open her eyes a little. It’s a classic which has helped countless people trapped in dysfunctional relationships.

The title is: “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie

It might clarify things for her. At least she will know the reality of the situation. She does not have the power to change him. It’s a hard truth to come to grips with.

Her PRIMARY responsibility is to her children and the choices she makes will have the heaviest impact upon them.

Is he seeing a doctor? If he is that big, I’d imagine he will need medical intervention to help him with this problem. If he won’t see his doctor and ask for help, that’s her answer. He doesn’t want to work to improve his health and that says everything about how important she and her children are to him.

She needs to look in the mirror and admit in his eyes, she and her kids are outranked by a box of Twinkies.
Does she want to live that way for even one more day ?

“He doesn’t have to lose the weight. How do we convince him that he wants to?”

He doesn’t want to! That’s the issue. You don’t have to convince him it’s unhealthy – he’s surely not so stupid that he doesn’t know. You don’t need to convince him that he needs to lose weight, because he doesn’t have to. He’s a grown up and it’s his decision, not his wife’s. You don’t need to convince the dude how fat he is – I assure you, he knows.

She’s talked to him about how concerned she is, and that’s all she can do. If he refuses to lose weight, it’s her that has to make the decision – stay or leave. Forcing another adult to do something they don’t want to do isn’t going to happen.

@Coloma Yeah, I wasn’t referring to a little weight gain. This person is twice the weight he should be. I’m sure there are some medical problems that have been created by now. Everyone is not meant to be skinny forever or even skinny at any time in their life. But this kind of weight is extremely unhealthy.

Can I delete what I wrote and substitute @livelaughlove21‘s answer? She’s absolutely right.

I have no comment other than to offer this article which I read only last week, after converting his original weight from kilograms to pounds I note he was slightly heavier than the man you are asking about so it is definitely a relevant story.

Thank you everyone.

Can I just add that he might be frightened of failure. We don’t know what his weight loss/gain situation has been. I’m not excusing him, but I am saying we don’t know what he has tried and perhaps failed at when dealing with his weight.

I do think if he isn’t seeing his doctor and isn’t prepared to start to look for options to help him lose weight, nobody can make him and his priorities aren’t with this lady and her children. He has to be committed to losing the weight.

Yeah. I told her she needed to get to the root of the emotional issues he has, whatever they are. I do know his mother was, and is, manipulative and controlling and enabling. It’s been a great shock to her that he is choosing my friend, his “family” over her, for the first time in her life. She is not happy.

The scariest thing is how young they are. From what you said, sounds like he’s still in grad school. He won’t finish. Then what. And don’t ever marry a mumma’s boy.

I am wondering if she has low self esteem, to be with someone who is so obese he can barely move.

He says (and/or thinks) he is comfortable with his weight because he doesn’t know any better, and he has adjusted his lifestyle to accommodate the weight. He is used to not moving, not taking hikes, not going places where he’ll be walking a lot like malls or parks, not walking up a lot of steps. He’s used to the feeling of having the weight of another person on his back when he gets up from a chair, when he steps up onto a curb, when he walks around the house, when he gets up from the toilet, when he gets out of bed in the morning. He is fine with that. I am wondering why she is fine with a guy who is like a handicapped person – who IS a handicapped person. He’s probably cranky when he says his knees hurt from walking around. Who wants to deal with that crap? Who wants to deal with someone who has to have his girlfriend come out of the shower to get the kid because he can’t get his butt off the chair? Who wants to deal with someone who sits there while you clean the house all day? Who wants to deal with someone who you can’t go on vacation with because they can’t do all that walking? Who wants to be with someone who cannot travel by plane because they won’t fit in an airplane seat?

Ugh. He’ll be having major health problems within a few years, if he doesn’t have them already and just not know it.

I hope he doesn’t smoke and drink because then he’s really in for it, health-wise.

@jca You have just described me so well. And it’s so why I NEED to find a way to get better. But all those things you said are spot on. (although I can still fit in an airplane seat). I DO feel handicapped. I think the fact that she has children is the most important thing in his scenario.

Although I am not quite as obese as him, I still have a lot of troubles. I guess it works out okay for the time being because my husband has a heart disorder. He too can’t do a lot of physical things. But he can do more than me in a lot of ways, and that is humbling.

When weight comes on slowly you do learn to adjust. You don’t even realize you are doing it at the time. Then one day you wake up and go “oh my god, what have I become?” Well, hopefully you do. Hopefully he does.

^ do you have good sex? I realise that’s invasive and rude to ask but the people op asked about are young. Just wondering how this is going to be handled .

@jca Wow! Your answer here needs to be reread by everyone. It perfectly describes the situation from both sides of the fork. GA!

She does have some self esteem issues, but she fell in love with his personality, not his body. As I said, she’s over weight to, but by about 80 pounds, not 200, so she has more tolerance for it than non-fat people.
And he actually is a neat guy. Very creative and, actually, very self confident. She likes that. The weight thing has just gradually become more and more of a problem as little things start cropping up. Like a steady drip. No big deal at first, but over time it can drive you insane.

Is it possible this is (secretly) exactly the kind of relationship she wants? Maybe she likes having a partner who is uninterested or unable to have sex. Maybe she, too, values a box of Twinkies over being able to walk without getting out of breath. Maybe her favorite activity is sitting on the couch.
By sticking with him she can appear to be the more healthy partner, simultaneously appearing to be a martyr while enjoying the “benefits” of his laziness.

Most people eventually wake up and realize what they have done. They chose to spend too many years of their precious life in a poor state of health. Sad.

No, it’s not what she wants. She finds the sex part to be really, really frustrating. And it’s not due to a lack of interest on either part. It’s just physically not fun.

She’s aware that she’s overweight and fights it. Currently she has a personal trainer at a gym. I’m not sure how often she goes. She’s gotten in to boxing and stuff in the past. She regularly goes on walks with the kids. She takes them to the park. Also, her job, which she’s had for about 2 months, is physically demanding. So, she’s actually losing weight now.

Well, really the only answer that makes sense is that she has to talk to him about her feelings and see if he is motivated to work on his weight issues. And she has to decide what action she will take if he is not.

Yeah.

Yes, sex is much more difficult now that I am this size. And my body image definitely affects it as well.

Maybe it’s a self esteem booster to her because she’s the thin one in the relationship.

I think 9 people out of 10 would not want to deal with what she is dealing with as far as the boyfriend’s weight issues go. Whatever. It’s her life and her relationship. To me, it’s beyond logic.

One way to convince him is too look good yourself. Improve your health by doing activities that are active , such as running, hiking etc even join a Gym etc Dress neat , wear makeup appropriately, dress nice and presentable.
Soon he will even dig his whole even in a worse state or he will get the clues and follow suit as well.
If not she may have to “find out what is missing” in his life in that he “eats” to fill the “void” in his life. Find out what that void is. perhaps he is unhappy in the relationship and is finding this a way to distance himself or to get out of the relationship? Don’t be too surprised as some people who do not want to confront will do this approach to get the other person to instigate a breakup? ( maybe not in your case, but ask?)
Another way is to remind him that you would like to spend your senior years with him but worry about his health in the future?
Good luck.

Uh, I imagine he’s been over weight for many years, long before he met my friend.