Am I being weird or is he? (NSFW?)

I was thinking yes, he’s really pushing it, then I got to the picture part. Ugh. You are so not being an ass. But you did look at his camera.

I would be freaked out too and not happy about it.

I don’t think you’re being an ass. His reason sounds like an excuse. It sounds to me like he wanted to engage in some form of communication with these women, and the book idea was just an excuse. I could be totally wrong and he really is gullible enough to believe they’d go for this idea, but if it was my SO, I’d be very dubious.

So assuming he wants to participate in conversations with porn stars about their sexual preferences, should you be upset? I’d be upset about him being sneaky about it and then potentially lying to me. If he said ‘I’m horny as hell and I just wanted some relief’ I could understand that given your circumstances. He may just be very embarrassed to have been caught and lying was an off-the-cuff response to that embarrassment. You know him better than I.

I also wouldn’t want my SO participating in phone/email whatever sexual conversations with another woman. If he wanted to look at porn, that’s one thing. Participating in discussions about sex with a real person, that’s very different.

@Earthbound_Misfit I’ve known him a long time, 11 years. In the good old days when I wasn’t ill I was doing lingerie modelling, that really appealed to him.He saw me on the Net. I get the sense this is a thing he used to do with me, if that makes sense. He approached me and admired me from afar for ten years (via the Net). I guess now he has me and I’m not up to par, perhaps continuing the behaviour he used to. I guess TMI but that is why I freaked.

I’m an outsider looking in at your story. His excuse is the lamest I have ever heard. In my opinion, there is no way his excuse can be believed. But what you do with this is up to you. I think you may be in for a lot of heartache.

I have to go but you’re now describing a pattern of behaviour. If this is what he did to make contact with you, what did he do from that point on? Was it harmless? Did he want to write a book about you or did he use an excuse to get you to speak to him?

You know what his pattern of behaviour was with you. Why would it be different now?

Gotta ask if he is supporting you financially, you him, or 50/50? Think about this. Your answer is there.

He got busted. His answer sounds like bullshit.

Was he asking to meet the girls or saying he would love to meet them, or was it just “writing and send photos?”

As far as your sex life goes, you’re not able to have sex at all? From what I understand about men, they usually need sex, and if it’s not available to them, they will find it, somewhere.

No, I don’t think you’re being an ass. I’m pretty laissez faire about sexuality, and I’m really not a fan of shaming people for what turns them on. But I also think honesty is of the utmost importance in a sexual relationship. It sounds to me like he was trying to trick some porn stars into accidentally sexting with him and that he used the ebook story as a way of covering up his intentions both to them and you (which means he was being dishonest all around).

Given the current situation, it is perhaps a bit more understandable why he did this. But that’s no reason he couldn’t have told you what he wanted to do and gotten your permission. If you had come here and said “my SO and I aren’t having sex, and I’ve forbidden him to find satisfaction through any other means,” then I might have suggested you consider lightening up. In this case, though, I don’t see any real excuse for his behavior.

A minor issue: did you have permission to look through his phone? Even if not, it’s still fair to bust him for these messages. You found what you found, whether you should have found it or not. But you can’t retroactively justify the action because of what you found. Also, it’s probably not a good sign if you felt the need to go through his phone without his permission.

The only “surprise” was you actually finding out about it. Id bet good money that he was never going to mention anything to you. Was he planning on meeting up with them to interview them in person?

No, you are not being an ass,I too would be concerned just like you. Its unnerving. Just don’t be fooled by his excuses, he could have shared this matter with you. So if this behavior hurts you or could cause any discord or disharmony in your marriage, then it’s definitely wrong and no wife can agree to this. Normally when husband’s have health issues wife’s cooperate and make sacrifices, same way some men need to learn that if they want to be in a relationship, they have to make some sacrifices. If he is sex starved he can definitely discuss that with you and implement a solution that you both feel good about.

He’s a wanker, obviously.

^there’s a difference between refusing to have sex with a partner and not being able to have sex due to physical health problems. just sayin’

It is perfectly understandable to be upset and mad over this. Who wouldn’t be? However these messages are the stuff of fantasy. It would be more serious if he was involved in a real relationship. I would guess that this sort of fantasy is important to him and he doesn’t really want to share. It is a little odd but I don’t see it as threatening, though I appreciate you will likely feel threatened by it. On the other hand I would guess he feels somewhat threatened now his private world has been invaded as he strikes me as being a very private person. A little difficult to deal with but I think you can manage it.

@LornaLove Oh lady, I’m so sorry. I retract the last part of my answer. As this thread unfolded I can see why you’re upset. It seems to be a pattern in his life. I guess the question is can you talk it through with him and resolve it.

@LornaLove I was also thinking about your health and medical issues. Don’t ever let him use the fact that you aren’t into sex when you are hurting as an explanation for his actions. We take care of our partners when they need us. I just went through some mean medical stuff and sex did not enter my mind for days. So it goes for both men and women.