Are our timelines of when to marry compatible at all?

Firstly, a bucket list pertains specifically to death, referring to the old expression, “kick the bucket”.
Secondly, After three years, trying to pin down a time line is not nagging. It would be considered weighing your options, and planning your future. I am all in favor of taking the time to plan, and get things set in place. If he feels mentioning or discussing the subject is pressure, then he has no plans, he’s just biding time until you catch on. A man who is sincere will not be opposed to talking things over with you.
If you feel your relationship is a strong one, then do talk it over with him. Men don’t always get it about reaching thirty. They can start having babies whenever, waiting until fifty is no big deal for them. Talk with him, and help him understand the pressure you feel, and the time frame you must consider. There are women who have had babies at fifty, but it isn’t often a very safe thing, for mother or child. Help him to see that you have those things to consider. Some men need a big banner, post it notes, and a hammer to catch on to certain things which are not already in their sights. Also, some men feel nervous that they may not make good fathers. Often they don’t believe in themselves until the first child is a toddler. If you believe he will be a good father, reassure him. Point out those qualities you see in him that would make him a good father.
Be reassuring. If you don’t get pushy, just discussing for the sake of knowing is not being pushy. Pushy is being demanding, saying he must make a decision. Pushy is ultimatums. Just let him know your thoughts, and take the conversation from there.

Thank you. It won’t be easy. I’m open to more opinions. Thanks!

Welcome to Fluther!

Well done on starting the conversation with your partner. These are serious topics (marriage, children and at what ideal age) between a couple. It is better to have it now than later.

More discussion needs to take place between the two of you. Since the intent to marry and have children is shared, it’s time to map out a timeline that both of you agree upon. Three and a half years together is long enough to be comfortable about talking through this. At some point, it needs to be in great detail.

If I were you, I’d re-approach the BF by talking about setting goals as a couple from a bigger picture. Where do both of you want to be career-wise? What would be the ideal living location? Where does marriage fit in? Where do we have to be financially before buying a house and having children? None of this has to be set in stone. Goals should be reevaluated on a regular basis.

As for children, there may be personal goals that he wants to accomplish before having one. He may not have considered that you might not get pregnant right away. What if you are unable to conceive a child at all? Would adoption be an agreeable route?

It’s time to hash through all of the details that are more likely to make a relationship successful in the long run. Good luck, and please keep us posted on how it’s going!

It is a ridiculously long time to date in my opinion, unless you both just strictly were against marriage. What are you waiting for? Are either of you unsure? You’re not sure you want to marry him so you want to wait? What’s your reason for waiting? What’s his reason?

Are you living together?

Career wise? I’m just climbing the corporate ladder and he’s finishing up school which won’t be another few years unfortunately and he’s in the process of wanting to find a better job.

Living location, we would stay in our home town but of course if needed that his career needs him else where which is unlikely we stick together.

I know he’s not ready for a kid at all right now since he’s focused on getting a better paying career and a change. We actually talked about not being able to conceive…he thought it was odd I thought about that stuff but I don’t. If we wanted one bad enough we would adopt or do the surrogacy or donor if we had the money…

My reason for waiting for marriage? I want to have our own place together, we don’t live together but I do spend nights over at his place.

Not sure on his reason, I assume it is financial stability. Not good to assume so I need to know, I know. But he’s been constantly talking about needing to find a new job and just signed up to go back to school again and finish.

Thanks for the support. We are usually good at compromising so I have a feeling if I mentioned our timeline he would compromise..

Should I bring it up ASAP? I don’t want to bring it up too often to the point where he feels pressured.

I find it interesting that both of you seem to want to be “settled” before getting married, as if all your change and development should occur before the wedding, so that you can spend your lives being only the people you were at that time.

Just know that life doesn’t work that way… you will both continue to grow and change after you marry, and that realization is one that often breaks people up after a long time together.

Did you really say above that you would not stay together if his job takes him away from your hometown? Why is that?

I said we would stay together. If I said not, it must’ve been a typo from my phone.

Edit: I meant to say unlikely either of us will have careers asking us to move. But we are both close to our family and all of our friends are here. Of course if necessary we are up for adventure.

Ok, that makes more sense in the context of your story, which is why I asked – I think I misinterpreted this line:

”... if needed that his career needs him else where which is unlikely we stick together.”

I like that he wants to finish up school and get a job he feels good about, but you two aren’t going to get everything into a neat box before you get married. Life usually doesn’t work that way. Plus, it still doesn’t explain putting off marriage for another 5 years.

You should think about your fertility, in my opinion he is wrong.

If I were you I would talk to him about why he wants to wait so long and how many children he thinks he wants. Don’t talk about time lines, just make sure you’re in sync on big issues. Where you both want to live is a huge issue, so it’s good you both want to live near family.

Will he be the type of man you will want as the father to your children? This is also extremely important. Some men are fine for dating, but then if you imagine your son will be like him, or that he might believe in disciplining children differently than you, those things can ruin your marriage or make life very stressful.

If you get to 32 and he decides to break up with you how are you going to feel?

Maybe it is your generation. I think it’s great to live on your own for a few years before moving in with an SO whether it be for marriage or just with a boyfriend, I recommend it, but in my day we wanted to get married, because we were so excited about each other and we had to slow ourselves down for logical reasons to not rush into marriage.

I want to find you the recent Q chelle wrote.

Here it is. Especially the answers given by men might interest you.

Don’t get pregnant to get him to marry you. That is not my intention with providing this link.

Yeah he’s the type of father I would like to have for my future children. He is great with kids, way better than I am with others’ children even!

I’ll bring it up again and see why he wants to wait that long and let him know that I’m not happy with 30+ and if he can accept that. Also if he thinks money is an issue, explain that I’m not about a big wedding or fancy ring, and just want to spend our life together as a team going through whatever life throws at us. And that he can still be in school and finish even when married…

I am willing to wait until I’m 28–29 to marry at the latest possible…by 30 I would like a kid.

Are you going to wait until you are married to move in together?

To have a kid at 30 you need to get pregnant at 29. If you move in together when you get married you will be dealing with that adjustment and being pregnant all at once.

Not that I am pushing for you to move in before marriage, I don’t have an opinion in that either way.

Once you talk about it again then leave the subject alone for a while. If he is a traditional guy he will care about pooping the question and he will want to feel it was his idea.

Not exactly. I wouldn’t mind getting a place together beforehand. I practically live at his place so I know the small things and habits. Financially we’ve talked about splitting things like bills and chores already, if one of us is out of the job we have a back up plan…

I know either way can work for some. I know a couple living at their parents and once got married they had gotten their own place.

All sorts of ways to do it. If you stay there all the time anyway you can save a lot of money living together, but you should only do it if it feels right. I moved in with my husband when we were already engaged. My lease was coming up and instead of renewing it I moved in with him.

Thank you everyone for your kind support. I will try bringing it up again to follow up. Milestones, my expectations and how he feels, kids, etc.
I’ll give an update once I have it..