Thanks everyone. My reason for asking the question is related to this boring, long story of my history with fishing and the relationship with my father…
I grew up fly fishing, hiking and camping with my father. I can’t even fathom how many hours we spent together fishing in northern NH, ME, and western MA. We would hike into a river with our hip-boots and spend the day on the river. We’d keep enough fish for lunch or dinner and head back to camp.
Our relationship got a bit rocky during my teenage years, and the last time we went together, I was 16 years old when we took our last trip up north together. The following years saw even further disintegration of our relationship, as well as my interest in ethics, which led me to 9 years of vegetarianism. Back in 2000, I started eating meat again, but still had no interest in fishing because I still spent so much time in the woods and needed no additional reason to be there.
My father and I have since grown considerably. And a couple of years ago, he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. Along with my health concerns, it’s clear that the two of us have been nudged, by the reality of impermanence, to drop the unnecessary grudges and focus on what we have right now. Both of us are only capable of being who we are, and that’s ok. Our relationship is as strong as it ever has been.
Now, every time I see him, he seems to be withering away. His shaking is quite pronounced (and stronger every time), and his mind seems to be taking a hit. Just to back up a bit – my father has always been a bit of a powerhouse in my eyes, even when I hated him. He’s a veteran who saw considerable combat and earned the purple heart. He has always been a very strong figure whose confidence was unshakable and seemed to be capable of anything (at least from a son’s perspective). To seem him now is unnerving. And in a way, it is frustrating that we’ve finally been able to drop all of our shit and he seems to be expiring before my eyes.
Anyway, a month ago, my father – out of the blue – said that what he would really love would be the chance for the two of us to go up north again and do some fly fishing like we used to. “Of course!”, I said. Shit, how could I not? It felt heavy though. He seemed honestly shocked and moved that I had accepted, and it was clear that he was putting himself out there despite the fear. Two weeks later, I found myself out in the middle of the river, negotiating pools and laying down the fly ever so gently. The smell of the outdoors, the sound of the river, the motion of fly fishing (which was like riding a bike), all was so meditative I honestly couldn’t recall why I had been so insistent in rejecting the activity all of these years.
Well, the weekend was great. My father, however, would get very tired and need to rest. So, we stayed in a cabin and I was able to go off and do some fishing of my own. Being out there in the northern tip of NH, out on the river, just felt amazing. My father, of course, needed some assistance with things, and it turned out that I ended up playing a role he had played for me so many years ago. He needed help tying on the flies, he kept dropping and losing things, and I drove the whole time. But he seemed so genuinely happy, and the experience was great.
Note: neither of us caught a single fish. Not even a hit. I’m not sure how this is even possible, because the rivers we were fishing had been amazing in the past. But there was nothing. The thing was – it didn’t matter. Neither of us really complained. It didn’t take away from the experience.
After we left and I returned home, I realized that my comfort with fishing was not as solid as I had imagined. For example, I realized that I could have caught something. Then what? How would I felt then? Did I want to gut it, as I had done hundreds of times, and cook it up back at the cabin? Or would I have released it? And how would I have felt if I had released an injured fish?
Now I am wondering about the whole thing, and feeling a bit guilty. Fishing season is over. But I had entertained the concept of doing some more fishing in the spring – at least with my father, but possibly alone if I could find the time. Now, I don’t know. I can’t justify catch and release, but the thought of eating the fish just to get around having to release it makes the whole thing seem as absurd as it has been to me for the past 26 years.
Thanks for everyone’s input. It’s pretty clear that I rationalized myself into being ok with fishing for reasons other than being completely ok with it. Now, I’m just confused. At least I have until spring to figure this out.