Is he ashamed of me?

You know that only he can tell you the “real reason.”

Welcome to Fluther!

This is all about communication or lack-there-of. If I were you, I would stop speculating. Communication as well as personality styles vary. It is only a matter of asking why and sharing how his actions make you feel that can open up the channel of communication.

He is uncomfortable with the scrutiny you both are receiving. Give him lots of room and time on the subject. If he really cares, he’ll get it sorted out.

Some men just have relationship issues, and have a har time sharing the events of their life with a woman,any woman.
Perhaps he truly cares for you, but because you are so young and beautiful, he is afraid people will think you are a trophy woman.

It is impossible to be sure, unless he becomes willing to discuss it with you.
As far as his mom goes, lots of us have dealt with a mommy who can’t approve of any woman for her baby. Do the best you can to just stay out of confrontations with her.

I hope not. This is 2014 and the world has changed. I didn’t think people even blinked anymore at interracial couples. If this is upsetting you this much, and it would me, I would have to talk it out with him. Your future with him depends on open communication and honesty.

If you feel he is not giving you the “real reason”, what reason is he actually giving you? You say he gets upset when you ask, but does he give you an explanation?

He doesn’t sound like much of a gentleman to me.

He says I would not have fun because I don’t know anyone. Or he says it will be too hot or too cold…nothing valid in my eyes… Especially when I ask to go. One time I even bought a formal gown for an event….never got invited. He takes me to dinner….to the movies…we cycle…. But never around his old crowd.

It is unfortunate, but perhaps true. Ask him why you are not included in a big part of his life. Ask if he plans to change that. Then you will need to decide if you want to continue to see him based on his answer.

We could speculate all day long about the reasons for his actions but really, he is the only one who knows why.

Obviously there are two issues which are the likely answer. It’s likely either the age difference or the color difference. But, since neither of them are something you can change, does it really matter much which one it is?

The end result is that he is leaving you out of a huge chunk of his life’s activities.

Talk to him and keep it focused upon how this makes you feel. Rather than trying to guess why he’s doing what he is and guessing wrong, just open your heart to him and tell him frankly why this hurts you.

If be truly cares about you and your feelings then he will figure put how to correct things.

Does he have a different group of friends he does introduce you to or are most of the activities you undertake just you two? I don’t know if he’s embarrassed by you or if he’s hiding something else, but I would also be concerned.

I used to date this guy and I saw him a few times a week but he never introduced me to his ‘old’ friends either. I didn’t think much of it. He’d separated from his partner before we met and he didn’t exclude me from going places. We just only did things together. I presumed he met friends on days we didn’t meet. Later on, after I ended things, I found out he’d continued to see his ex, and while they were separated, they were still sort of together but not. I think he was one of those guys who can’t end things. So he wasn’t going to introduce me to people who would recognise he was living a sort of ‘double life’.

Some men can compartmentalise their lives very easily. I think it’s fair enough to be concerned if you know he’s seeing other people and always excludes you. If it was me, I’d be frank with him and tell him how his behaviour makes you feel. See what he has to say.

As already stated, he is the only one who can answer. But maybe he either knows these people are judgmental (prejudice) and will make you feel extremely uncomfortable or maybe they are friends with an ex that won’t accept anyone that isn’t her, or maybe they will tease him for dating someone younger and he rather not deal with that until he is sure your relationship isn’t just a passing thing.
But it is also possible that @Earthbound_Misfit hit the nail on the head. Old friends tend to know secrets that sometimes family isn’t even privy to. A hidden girlfriend, a few children out of wedlock, or the real reason behind failed marriages, such as being closet gay, likes to dress in drag, or many affairs.

“I would take him anywhere…”

Try dealing with that problem first.

If you do, the other problem, perhaps all of your problems, will work out naturally from there.

He hasn’t grown up, and at his age he isn’t going to. You deserve better.
Dump him and be done. (Yes, this hurts.)
If he resists being dumped, you’re in a position to lay down the law: he needs to start treating you the way you treat him. If not, goodbye, firmly and with love.

p.s. How dare he be ashamed of you? I’m very angry about this. How dare he treat you in such a way that you would even have to ask yourself this?

I am SO ANGRY.

@Ladybug2014: Can you please clarify – you said you met his family but he “does not take you around his old friends.” Have you ever met his friends at all (any friends)? Does he take you to his family events, parties, dinners, celebrations?

@susanc: We are not sure (and the OP is guessing) that her boyfriend is ashamed. Nobody is positive unless she asks him. Maybe he has another significant other and he is hiding it. More research is necessary before making judgements.

He has two sets of friends. His old friends from his old neighborhood. And people he has befriended since his divorce which was 10 years ago. He told a story recently that someone from his old neighborhood was trying to set him up with another lady. He had to explain he was dating someone else. Of course she was taken back because none of his old friends even knew he was dating. As he told the story I realized not only have they never met me…. They don’t even know I exist! Then the my eyes started to burn like they do when you hold back tears. I would understand if I had dated him for 4 months…. But it’s been 14. I hope I’m not over reacting.

How often does he see these ‘old’ friends? Does he see them regularly or is it very rarely? If he sees these people very rarely, then perhaps they just don’t matter to him. If he sees them quite regularly, and he has not only not introduced you to them but he hasn’t even mentioned you, I feel he’s hiding something. There’s something else going on. If you love someone, you want to tell your close friends. Is he ashamed of you? I don’t feel that’s it. If he was ashamed of you, he wouldn’t introduce you to his family. My feeling is there’s something else going on that you’re not aware of.

I’m sure he loves me. I know his kids… We do stuff all the time. He comes over. My children are younger and he has picked them up and done things with them on occasion. He goes to my parents house an hour away. He has met my friends. All my friends know of him or have met him. He does things with his old friends often. At least once a month if not more. I hear about them…, I even feel like I know them because we discuss them often. I think it is because they are a older white crowd that will be judgemental. Or maybe they have secrets….I come from a diverse family. Color should not matter. At the end of the day… I am very proud of him and I would take him anywhere! I guess I expect the same.

It just feels like he has a separate world. He calls me every night before I go to sleep. He tells me he loves me daily. He is a very loving individual. However when I ask to tag a long to events that include his old friends it’s always a excuse. You sometimes hit a wall…. I have put up with this for over a year because I was giving him time to adjust to everything. He has never dated outside his race. But now it’s a sore spot. I’ve tried to discuss it with him. We never fight unless I bring this topic up… He gets very defensive. I’m very independent. Have my own place..car… Work hard. I never ask him for anything. Our relationship is built on common interests. We gave strong chemistry. His kids adore me. So I’m lost.

Based upon the additional information provided, it sounds as if you already know the underlying problem. It does seem to be that he perceives that there will be some sort of issue with age and/or race difference if he introduces you to his friends.

Since you know that he loves you, it might possibly be that his intent is to create a barrier in order to protect you from his friends’ prejudices. If this is the case, it could be because he avoids confrontation. It may also be due to the fact that he may be pressured into giving up comfortable friendships because they now see him in a less positive light. There is the chance that he is avoiding being put in a place where he feels the need to choose you over the friends. The only way to find out and help him work through it by broaching the subject again. Just tread lightly, meaning in the least non-confrontational way possible.

Good luck, and please keep us posted.

@Pied _Pfeffer…..I think that might be the case. He hates confrontation. I guess if his friends don’t like my skin color then people he deems old friends might turn away from him. I feel as if I would be the reason he loses his old friends. Should I stay? Should act as if I don’t not notice? Is is right I am kept a secret so he can maintain friendships that are important to him. You have a partner in life to share mostly everything with. This is such a big chunk of his life. I never have been one to pressure someone. However I risk the chance of losing him. And I truly love him. Against all odds I giving up friends you have had over 30 years seems difficult. Maybe I should just let him maintain those friendships and walk away. Ugh.

Sorry for the typos…...

At some point you will probably need to force the issue and risk losing him. Only you can decide when you want to take that stand.

Sweetie, whatever you do, hold on to that great proud and dignified attitude you have. Don’t let this dampen your pride. Go with your gut instinct and act accordingly. All the best.

Maybe he’s married.

^^That had occurred to me too as a possibility.

I doubt the married part…. I’m over at his house often and I hang with his kids.

Have you and he talked seriously about the race/age issue and whether it is truly an issue for him? You say he gets upset when you raise things. Does that mean he gets angry? If you cannot talk openly with him about so important an issue to you, what is the foundation for your relationship?

On the other hand, if these are people he sees once a month, is it necessary for you to be part of that crowd? Maybe he has feelings associated with his Ex when he is with these friends and that is why he doesn’t want you there.

As always, communication between the two of you is essential.

Oh – and one more thought. If he has had you at his house and you’ve met his kids, I would suspect he is not ashamed of you but maybe concerned specifically about these friends.

I agree with @janbb that you will eventually have to have a big talk about it, and only you know when that time will be. I think it will be when you decide you are tired of being hidden in the closet.

He could possibly be married and maybe the wife travels or is not home a lot, like she’s elsewhere caring for another relative, although he would risk the kids saying something to her, if she does exist.

I also feel like when someone gets very mad and defensive about an issue, even when they know the issue is important to someone, it’s a defense mechanism to try to intimidate you to not discuss the topic. So you bring it up, carefully but you’ve given it a lot of thought still, and he throws a fit. That makes you back off and more months go by without this being discussed. At what point in your life are you going to decide you’ve had enough? How will your relationship progress if he is not willing to take you out of his closet?

I’m going to be perfectly honest here and probably will be shot down for it. Since you are absolutely sure that this man is NOT already married I think you might have answered your own question.

Since you mention his mother is in her 80’s that would make your “gentleman friend” not exactly a kid.

Not everyone today is over joyed over inter racial relationships and many parents still think their grown childrens lives would be easier when marrying their own race.

Many in the older generation still believe this and your “gentleman friend” probably deep down thinks the same way. Maybe you should reconsider this relationship since it sounds to me that he actually IS ashamed of you.

I say this since you are so positive that he isn’t already married and you know that isn’t a reason for hiding you. If that isn’t the reason for hiding you then all odds say this is the sign of a married man hiding the girlfriend from people who know the truth. sorry to be blunt but I am not the type that beats around the bush.

Welcome to Fluther.

I recall my first date-date with the last woman I fell in love with, and going home with her afterward (since we had met at her work place to start the evening) “to meet the kids”. We joked about how that was turned on its head from where we might have been, say, 35–40 years ago with me being brought home “to meet the folks”. And the meeting with the kids was cordial and pleasant, but… awkward in the same way that “going to meet the ‘rents” was all those many years ago.

I expect that if this guy is as good as you and your family think – and I have no reason to doubt your judgment on the matter – then the reason he doesn’t take you to meet some of his family and associates is to prevent any awkwardness (or worse) that would be directed your way. In the same way that it’s said that “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”, I suspect that his mother has some other nearby “apples” with attitudes like hers.

And, you know, people will be judgmental, and in two ways: 1) Some will be resentful of the fact that you’re not white and he is, and carp about how he’s deserting his race (as some will say the same about you), and 2) some will be expecting that you’re “in it for the money” because of your relative youth (whether or not he even has any to speak of). He may just want to shield you from the unpleasantness that he’s sure that you’re bound to receive from his associates, even if it’s not direct. (Sometimes the indirect insults are the worst to bear, unfortunately.)

@janbb ” You say he gets upset when you raise things. Does that mean he gets angry? If you cannot talk openly with him about so important an issue to you, what is the foundation for your relationship?”

This, for me, is the whole thing. He doesn’t have a right to be angry about what is upsetting you, @Ladybug2014. You are not equal partners in this relationship if this is how he reacts. You should not need to have his permission to raise a discussion about any aspect of your relationship.

@dappled_leaves, @janbb and @Ladybug2014: It’s a defense mechanism. The best defense is a good offense. He’s acting so offended to get you off his tail. To me, that’s bullsh**.

Thanks all for your words…. Maybe he is trying to shield me. But how long will he keep that up? I hold my own…so money is not an issue. I take care of myself. Believe me when I say he is a tight wad anyway….. Lol

I have told him I can take care of myself. Someone mentioned he might have to give up or lose friends. After much thought I think that might be the reason. After the reaction from his mother I am sure several people in that circle probably feel the same. But you can’t hide me forever. He is defensive…..however I guess he does not want to lose his friends

@Ladybug2014 ”…..however I guess he does not want to lose his friends”

Honestly… it is pretty pathetic for a grown man to make that choice.

My thoughts are….I don’t need friends like that. My friends are very accepting of him. The other things is I had to come to this forum to vent. Last time I mentioned that I wanted to talk to my best friend concerning this he was angry telling me that it was not fair I spread “our” business with anyone else. She has been my best friend since middle school. I felt like I had no one to speak with. Asking friends and family would upset him. At least this way his name won’t be mentioned. I just don’t get why he is defensive. I’ve tried to have this discussion with him three times…. I know I will have to walk away from this. But it’s so difficult

You deserve to be with someone who is proud of you, that is willing to share his life, family and friends with you. Someone that won’t silence you or your concerns and will actually listen to you. First and foremost, love yourself enough to not settle for less than you deserve. Don’t settle for being in anyone’s shadow.

@CWOTUS, I can see what you’re saying and I think that might be reasonable if we were talking a relationship that was three months old, but 14 months on? If he hasn’t got the balls to stand up to his friends and say ‘this is my lady and I love her and if you don’t you can fuck off’ then there’s something wrong. If he really is holding back because of her race, whatever his motivation, that’s truly sad.

I love my husband. I would defend him against anything. If someone else, whoever they are, doesn’t like him, I’ll drop them rather than hide him from them. I’ve felt this way from when I realised I loved him. He’s my man. If she’s his lady, he should stand proudly by her side regardless of anyone else’s sensitivities.

I am glad I got to vent. I hate I wear my heart on my sleeve. Thanks everyone.

@Ladybug2014, you’re welcome. It’s a nice community here with big hearts so I hope something we’ve said helps you resolve this issue. Please do let us know how things go. I hope it is just he’s reticent about how his friends will react and that you can talk to him and get some answers.

Maybe you need to step back from the question that bothers him a little bit – don’t ask him that question directly – but have a meta-discussion about that. Ask him why it is that “asking that question” makes him upset. Maybe that’s the place to start.

As someone who will discuss nearly anything with nearly anyone, I don’t grok people’s unwillingness to confront and at least talk about sensitive topics, but I know there are those who have those reservations. Maybe he’s one of those, and you just need to tease out of him “why is this thing difficult to discuss?” After you’ve dealt with that a bit, then maybe you can have the discussion that you really want to have, and reach a better understanding all around.

To me, if he really loves you (and I believe he does), he would be willing to step out of his comfort zone and have a frank discussion with you. If he can’t do that for whatever reason, I would really doubt my ability to stay with him. If you did stay with him, what seems like a one dimensional relationship with him visiting you, you visiting him, but not much more, then I would wonder if you have low self esteem to accept that.

You also didn’t mention if he takes you to events and travels with you when there are no family or friends present. Have you been on vacations together? Weekends away? Public outings like concerts, out to dinner, stuff like that?

Yes…. We do things solo all the time. We have gone on day trips. We cycle. Hike. We dine out a lot….. So I think it has to pertain to his “stuffy” friends. I mentioned this to him casually this evening….and I could tell it upset him….. His words were… Please don’t give up on me. Give me more time.

Ugh

Time to do what? How mystifying. I do not understand why he can’t just tell you what the heck is going on.

You’ve given him 14 months. Again, he has made it impossible for you to feel comfortable talking to him about this situation.

There is a play coming to town for the holidays and I told him I’m getting tickets. I know several of his old friends love theater. So I said he needed to ask so we could double date. He immediately said…. I should ask my friends. I Then mentioned it’s time I get to meet more of his friends and he said…in due time…. Crap…. I mean I’m not a spring chicken. 14 months seems to be ample time.

Dump him. He is showing you how he really feels.

Update!!

I sent him a “love” letter. I let him know how much he meant to me….however I also stated that I love him and there is no where I would not take him and no one I would not want him to meet…..and then asked why I did not get the same treatment…

In return I got a very nasty email stating that he was tired of me asking the same question. That he was not willing to discuss it right now. That in due time he would tell me..

He said he was tired of me asking ( I have only asked 3 times in 14 months)

I told him I would not bother him any longer. And I was sorry I complicated his life.

I have not heard from him since. So I am done. Tears flowed…I will move on….but it hurts…

I’m so sorry it turned out this way. {{{hugs}}}

@Ladybug2014 I’m sorry too I know how a break-up hurts. It sounds like he’s definitely got some flaws though. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

We all have flaws…. Thanks

Oh dear. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. Quite a few people have answered this thread and I don’t think one has said it’s unreasonable for you to want to know why he hasn’t introduced you to his friends. Keep that in mind. I think it’s time for you to decide whether you want to put up with his behaviour.

I am guessing that he is not done with you. He’ll give it a few days and then contact you and probably make it like you’re the bad guy for pushing him on this issue, blah blah blah. You may or may not be accepting of his contact because you will miss him in the coming days, and you may be lonely, too. I am guessing he is going to give you the cold shoulder for a few days to try to “teach you a lesson.” The lesson is that this topic really pisses him off, and if you’re smart, you’ll not bring it up again.

@jca That’s what I was thinking, too. I hope the OP does not let herself be manipulated that way.

@Ladybug2014: Please post an update, if you will, as to what happens.

Thanks.

I have been afraid he will contact me as well. He does have a way of blaming me. If you could of seen his email. Very condescending. I was floored. He refuses to answer me. All I get is that he does not want to discuss it. With recent events it made me reflect to my birthday weekend. After a great day things kinda did not go as planned. I still can’t remember what set him off because I was enjoying my birthday! He gave me the silent treatment for two days. It felt like a punishment. I will remain strong. I’m not going to get sucked back in. I’ve alerted my bff’s. Before I kept everything hidden as not to shine a bad light on him. I think without realizing it I was in a controlling relationship. I’m not sure how this happened. It hurts really bad right now but I think I can get through this.

The reason it felt like a punishment is because that’s exactly what he intended it to be.

The “silent treatment” is a very passive-aggressive, immature and controlling tactic.

A mutual relationship is based upon direct straightforward mutual communication. It doesn’t mean the two will always agree, but at least it will be discussed.

By refusing to communicate about an important issue and demeaning you every time you attempt to raise the issue, he is clearly demonstrating his lack of respect for you in no uncertain terms.

Regardless of all the other flowery words of praise he deigns to bestow upon you,thats no substitute for open and honest communication on an issue which you’ve clearly told him is important to you as well as being hurtful.

Deep down you do realize that if he does not respect you, there is no realistic future for this relationship.

Unfortunately that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt to sever ties. But kudos to you for standing up for yourself in spite of the pain.

You deserve so much better than this and eventually you’ll meet the guy who will cherish you and treat you with dignity and respect you deserve as well as words of love.

@Ladybug2014: If you have any of his possessions or he has any of yours, that will be an excuse he’ll use in the coming days to contact you and initiate communication. Stay strong! You deserve better. If I were you and you do have stuff or he has stuff with you, I’d have someone else go get it, or have that person in your house when he comes and you be away.

I don’t have any of his items. He does not have any of mine. He sent a text this evening wishing me a happy Halloween. It brought tears. I quickly concentrated on housework and did not respond. I’m going to bed now. It’s harder then I thought it would be. How could I have known that a bunch of strangers on the Internet would give me strength. Thanks.

@Ladybug2014 Stick around. We can be fractious at times but there’s a lot of good here.

@Ladybug2014: He was throwing out a little bait to see if you took it.

@Ladybug2014 It might help to block his number. That way he won’t be able to call you, and you won’t be able to read his texts, at least if they’re coming from his phone anyway.

I was thinking the same thing. So I hope that my days get easier. This hurts.

@Ladybug2014 Yes, I am just getting over the ending of a relationship. It does hurt but you seem to be doing a good thing for yourself.

My initial instinct was he is cheating on you. As I read more and more of the responses I wasn’t sure, but still had the nagging feeling. Now that I see what has happened recently I really think he was cheating.

I’m sure the break up is upsetting, but I think you will be better off in the long run. I didn’t care that his 80 year old mom might be racist, but his peers? All of them from the old group? He was lying to you I think. That’s why he wouldn’t talk about it.

My husband wouldn’t give a shit that his friends didn’t approve of his choice in an SO he would still bring me along if I was fine knowing they disapproved and I wanted to go. If they were rude or offensive in any way my husband wouldn’t want to be with them. I think most men are like that and that is why I don’t think race was the issue.

@JLeslie‘s answer made me think more about the prospect of him cheating and I think that’s a real possibility.

Also, @Ladybug2014, in your question’s details you said you are younger but I don’t think in any of your comments you specified what your age is and what his age is. Can you please specify your age and his?

I’m 40 he is 55.

Most of his friends are between 55 and 65.

Many of my friends are in their 50’s and none of them would be so racist as to exclude an SO who is black. If someone is our friend then their date is always welcome. Your age difference wouldn’t matter either. If you were 25 and he was 40 that could possibly cause some talk, but 40 and 55? No. Nothing. No one would give it a second thought.

That’s my circle of friends, I can’t speak for his obviously. I’m white upper middle class and have lived in TN, NC, MI, MD, FL, and NY.

It does not matter anymore. We are done. It does not matter if he cheated…or it was my race…..or my age….

He treated me poorly and keep me hidden. I probably will never know the real reason. He is not a honest person. He lead some double life for some odd reason.

@Ladybug2014 You got it Sister!

Exactly right. It doesn’t matter. On to new Q’s. Stick around we have a good group here.