Dating question: What to do?

I’m guessing he didn’t feel fireworks either or his contact wouldn’t have fizzled.

I’m a “put it all out there” kinda gal. I would write him and gently acknowledge that perhaps a friend route would work best right now. I would ask him to get coffee or watch a movie or something that two pals could comfortably do together.

You’ll do just fine @janbb. xoxoxo

Check in with him in a few months. If he writes back, great. If not, well you have your answer.

Enjoy the process, and move on. Thank him for the meet-and-greet, but don’t be open-ended about that. Let him read the finality into your note, without you having to spell it out for him. It’s not going anywhere, so why string him along – or let him do that to you?

@CWOTUS I had thanked for the meet and greet and he had written back saying he’d be in contact when I got back from a trip. A week or so later, I sent him my new e-mail address as part of a “mass” mailing and he sent a short response. It is sounding dead, isn’t it?

The thing is, there aren’t many men who are even appealing to me (and perhaps vice versa.)

I agree with @Cupcake. He either didn’t feel the spark or perhaps took your less than gushing response as a negative and put two and two together. Chances are very good that he is pursuing other OKCupid options at this time. Time for you to do the same.

Stay in touch if you want but do not get your hopes up.

Lordy, I sound like Dear Abby

I would let it go. It seems like he has.

It sounds as if he left with the same impression that you did – no fireworks, no long term future. I’d move on.

Maybe I am being cynical here, but I’m thinking that expecting “fireworks” at age 55 is somewhat different from fireworks at age 25.

When I was in my 20s, fireworks / love at first sight / immediate crush – that was sort of the expectation at the time. Young, somewhat innocent, optimistic, and you can fall in love in a second.

Thirty-some years later, “fireworks” would, to me, be utterly unexpected and sort of scary. I’ve lived too long to believe that relationships just happen – they take work and nurturing and mutuality, and you may not know for weeks if the original attraction turns into a flame or a firework.

Maybe my expectations are too high (or too low!) but I’d be utterly shocked if I met someone and there were immediate fireworks.

Yeah, we had talked about the fact of starting as friends since we were both not looking for exclusive dating partners right now. I don’t think either of us was expecting this to be the love of our life although I do find him attractive.

This isn’t really a “Does he like me?” question but more of an etiquette question:

Do I ask him if he wants to drop it or do I write back and let it lumber on? Or do I just not respond to his last message?

Write and ask if he is interested in staying in touch and possibly the occasional lunch or whatever. What have you got to lose?

Hmmm, A penguin dating question. I guess I have seen it all. :) Fuck, I have not a clue what to do here. I guess we go with what feels right in our guts.

Do as one would do here to someone they no longer liked, ignore the fucker & withdraw the lurve #irony

As someone who did some online dating in her 20s… I would say there is no etiquette. The guys just want to get laid.

Do what feels right to you.

@Cupcake “The guys just want to get laid?”

Part of dating is the infamous ” meet & greet” scene. I too have had quite a lot of these over the years since I divorced. Most of the time it’s just a friendly thing with no sparks. Then, there is the classic, one person likes you “more” and vice versa.

It’s more about getting your social on and trying new things. I would just let this ride, if the guy is interested in more contact let him take the lead. If you really would like a more romantic possibility with someone don’t pursue anything less than a clear spark.
The problem here is that “casual” dating means just that and it seems like inspite of what you discussed you really do want “more” of a romantic dating thing.

I’d just keep it light, drop a friendly little note asking how his day, week is gong but if his responses are much delayed by days and days and cursory, meh….waddle on little Penguin, there are more fish in the sea. Don’t settle for a Herring when you can have Lobster. haha

@Cupcake Yeah, I disagree with that too. I’ve had some experience over the last few years and the ones that actually were clearly interested in more depth were the ones I went out with. The 36 year olds who are turned on by older women are easy to weed out. I think things may have changed some since you were younger although of course, some are still just looking for sex. (And kinky sex with a penguin at that!)

One date is not a whole lot to go on. There were no sparks but neither were you totally turned off. Seems to me you should try one more date and judge from that. It would be nice if it can be kept casual. Does the guy live nearby? Do you have a mutual interest that could be used as the basis for a date – perhaps a type of movie or music or a museum exhibit.

@Adirondackwannabe @janbb I’m not exaggerating here, just summarizing my experience. Every guy I met in person was looking online for women to have sex with on the first date. They were possibly also looking for a relationship. Every guy I didn’t meet in person mentioned sex in our correspondence. Small sample size (and probably out of date), but 100%.

@Cupcake I don’t doubt your experience but just think things may have changed either since that time or in my demographic.

@janbb I hope so. I just wanted to make sure people didn’t think I was overgeneralizing or making an “all men are pigs” kind of statement.

We’re cool.

@Cupcake Oh crap, does that mean I’m old if it isn’t the first thought in my head. It might be second or third. :)

Based on what I now understand about the communication history, yeah, I would let it die with his final “lackluster” communication.

And never give up on expecting fireworks. I felt them a few years ago but unfortunately, she didn’t; she wanted something much less and I’m still getting over that. We’re still friends – good friends – but not very close because of the difference in what we want. I’m looking for that feeling again, and I don’t think that I will settle for less. I have plenty of female friends, and I enjoy their company, both young and old, but I’m also hoping for “more than just friends”. Fireworks.

@CWOTUS Yeah.

I think there’s no obligation to keep writing him. It sounds like you sort of don’t want to continue to do that, so why not stop? Plenty of other waterfowl in the sea.

@dappled_leaves I don’t want to keep fishing in a dry lake if he’s just treading water. Block that metaphor!

@janbb I think you just comingled an octagon with that metaphor.

@janbb As a penguin, I should think you’d want to stay out of lakes altogether.

Just let it ride. The answer will be clear soon enough.

And we accept dating questions from penguins. Always have. ;)

I wish you luck, @janbb. You’ve had a long haul to now. Someone will suddenly fall in your life, when you least expect it. In my case, it was cause I walked into a mower shop with a hurt mower. :/

If you find him interesting, suggest another meeting. Find a subject beforehand that interests you both, such as a particular movie or event at a museum, concert, etc. and build the “date” around it. Nothing is better for spinning up conversation than a good meal in a pleasant restaurant. Tell him the truth. Relationships can be about more than courtship. Get cracking! The wife insists that “men don’t know what they want anyway.” If she were here, she would insist that it’s your job to tell him.

Move on with your regular interesting activites and wait if he is interested He will contact you, if not then that is your answer.
Do not go chasing him, rather show that you have other interests besides him.
Some men like to have ladies hanging on to them in desperation to look popular to other ladies and thats all.
So have an interesting life regardless of what he does.
If he is genuine then it will show up soon.

Why not be straightforward with him and see if there is any future?

Well – it just got more interesting. We are FB friends and he just “liked” a painting I posted there that I had done. (OK – now I am officially acting like a 17 year old and very embarrassed.)

Penguin is cute.

^^ It would be much easier if I were just dating all of you. Or – most of you.

@janbb You can date most of me if you want.

@dappled_leaves We’ll talk.

I’m sure thinking about this has quickened your heart beat more than a few times. That is great! You’ve already gotten something out of the experience.
Whether you continue or not you are still on the plus side. Congratulations!

If I don’t feel like a 17-year-old at some point in the relationship, then I know that it has no future.

I lurve you, penguin! Confession… my s/o still makes me feel 17 once in a while :D

I agree with most everyone that it may be time to move on, but at the same time, I also know that life happens—something might be going on to absorb his attention. Being me, I’d look for an event I really wanted to go to, and ask if he’d like to join. That could give me the answer I needed.

I believe fireworks happen just the same when you are 20 as when you are 50 or 60. Not sure why someone would say that does not occur. (Sorry, read loads of answers at once and can’t find who wrote that).

I sound sexist I know and old fashioned, but here goes. If a guy really likes you, he will make sure he contacts you. He should contact you more than you him initially. It sounds like the meet up wasn’t what he wanted. Else the fireworks would have happened.

the good news is, there are plenty of fish in the sea (ruling out the ones that like under 20 year old’s and who wants those anyhow?) there are still loads left! Keep going and learn from each encounter. ugh! I hope this helped, you are a great person and you will meet someone special in strange ways you never imagined.

@janbb step back and look at this question as if you were answering, not asking. You are very smart, and give great advice.
I think it sounds like the both of you tried to kill it before anything could start, out of possibly fear, but maybe disinterest.
He has done nothing offensive, so why write him off?
You don’t have to have marriage in mind to enjoy occasional contact. I think both of you are weighing things out, and not exactly in sync with each other.
If being friends seems like a good run to you, give it a shot. Who knows? Maybe he isn’t right for you romantically, but has a friend who is, and fits perfectly with a friend of yours. It could happen. If it doesn’t, you still have a friend. Who has so many friends they want to ditch a few?
You don’t have to feel giddy to want to continue contact. That is a myth compounded ,by eighties movies.

Some real dated opinions here.

Maybe he doesn’t write much but liking your painting was significant. He didn’t have to do that and he wouldn’t have done it unless he likes you. How about asking him to accompany you to an art gallery?

@Here2_4 I wasn’t saying that I didn’t want to see him again and see what happens. I think I said that. I just don’t feel desperate and don’t want to chase it if he’s really not interested.

Liking your painting, while simply a click, is communication. It seems to me responding with a thank you, and note would be responding, not chasing. He isn’t gone. You are wavering in your thoughts, so is he, just maybe with not the same timing. Don’t belittle the contact. It may be his subtle way of sending the ball to your court.

@Here2_4 ” It may be his subtle way of sending the ball to your court.”

Jeez. Maybe if they were 15. Regardless, in any adult relationship, the ball is in the court of both parties.

And here I am thinking that he was the one with the balls.

My last hurrah occurred when I was 63, and I felt 17…“fireworks” is as good a short-hand as any. It was really fun and exciting and sweaty. Since we had known each other since jr. high, we were able to keep the courtship really short, the coy behavior to a minimum and leap quickly into the main event.

I would suggest one more meeting tied into an interesting event and see what he says. That’s what’s so great about being grown-up. Interpreting the “like” in reference to your painting is too much like reading entrails. Personally, I wouldn’t spend too much time with that.

@gailcalled I’m not spending too much time with any of it at this point. That’s the good part of growing up.

(Who would have thought the lovelife of a penguin would garner so much interest?)

I didn’t read the above answers thoroughly.

I would be direct with him and ask him if he is interested in getting together again. Trying to read each other’s minds or their subtle signals isn’t good. He might be thinking your communication slowed down. From what I understand the new internet dating schtick is you can be honest with no hard feelings. People are able to basically say, “I’m not into you,” and don’t have to beat around the bush. That’s what I’ve heard anyway.

I’d leave it. If you hear again, fine, if you don’t , no surprises. Next.

I haven’t read everything here, but if you didn’t feel the fireworks, do you really want to pursue this anyway? I agree with others that it sounds as though he had the same experience and has cooled his wheels. If he was ‘interested’, he’d have been in touch.

If you want to keep him as a friend, perhaps just tell him that. Say you don’t think either of you felt romantic chemistry when you met but you enjoyed his company, so if he’d like to catch a film or go to the theatre, you’d like that. Gone Girl (or whatever fits) is still on at the local cinema and you remember he wanted to see that, would he be interested in going with you?

If he says no or doesn’t respond, drop it and don’t bother again. Otherwise, maybe you’ll end up with a friend to go out with occasionally. What do you have to lose? If he wasn’t interested, neither were you so… all’s equal.

I’ve never felt hedging in such circumstances is a good idea. My experience is people don’t read subtle too well so being direct is quicker. The worst that will happen is you’ll get ignored and then you’ll have your answer.

I’m not interested, just humouring you.

You can’t get to know a person completely through chatting and sometime without knowing a person we start assuming he /she will be like this but when we actually meet the person and it won’t work as we thought then its a big disappointment and this could lead to such behavior.
I would suggest just give some time to him and your self as well, see what happen in next few days but don’t show him that you are bother show much.

Don’t waste your time, or risk your heart with someone that isn’t giving you goosebumps!

I know people disagree on this, but in my opinion, it takes two to feel “fireworks”. Are you in the mood for falling in love?

As to the etiquette question, I’d be blunt. Ask him, and the wondering will be over.

“Please be gentle with me, I’m new to all this shit and a penguin.”

^ I just fell in love with you – again!

@longgone If only you were in the US, 35 years older and a guy….

And you’re right – I’m not sure I’m in the mood to fall in love right now. Life is going too well.

If only you were in Europe, 35 years younger, a guy…and not a bird.

Well, see? You’re good. Keep doing what you’re doing! :]

Screw it. No if’s. You’re there, I’m here, lets see where it goes. That’s my thinking these days.

Get a room you two! It may seem that you’ve had long enough since your marriage, but it can take a lot of healing to get over a long term relationship and especially when we’re feeling badly wounded. I think @longgone, apart from being lovely and a romantic prospect if you wanted to jump the fence, is also very wise and spot on.

After my first marriage broke down and I was on my own. For a long time I wanted a ‘wardrobe man’. That’s how I thought of my perfect guy. I wanted someone I could pull out of the wardrobe on Friday night, go out to the cinema, have dinner with followed by some wild sex with no long term expectations. Then on Sunday afternoon I wanted to shove him back in the wardrobe until the next time my kids were away. I didn’t find such a guy. Most men I met wanted more commitment, but I didn’t want that. I needed time to get back in touch with me. Even though I felt lonely and missed having someone there. When you’re ready to really get involved again, it will happen.

@Earthbound_Misfit Wow, that is an answer plus!

@Earthbound_Misfit Did you ever advertise for that position? I’ll bet your mailbox would be inundated with offers.
They must supply their own tux of course.

yaa of course that is great idea