Major family drama - Should I feel guilty?

First let me say I am proud of you! You seem to have a good handle on a crappy situation.
Your Number 1 responsibility is yourself.
Number 2 is your husband/marriage.

Way down on the list are Numbers 3,4,5…

Do not let anyone stay in your house unless you are prepared for it to go on for a long time. Once they are in you’ve set a precedence and it will be hard to get them out.

You can’t help addicts. They must do it themselves. Don’t get sucked into the black hole.
If you wanted to lose your money, damage your health, destroy relationships, you’d be taking the drugs yourself. Clearly that is not on your radar. Don’t let anyone else put it there.

Help when you can and only if the time span is very limited – hours.

You have no responsibility to any of them, and it’s not your place to take care of adults who will not take care of themselves.

I really feel for you, but have to commend you for your attitude. No, you are not selfish. Here on my side there is a similar drama going on and the result is I have chest pains and anxiety and my boyfriend (who’s family is causing the drama has such bad anxiety he can barely function). Strange I was going to post up a similar type of question, but the drama today did not give me time!

I say this: decide on how much time, money etc., you are willing to spend on your family (if any) and then tell them straight.

For example: drug taking pill taking etc., you are not interested in regards hospitals and so on. Whether it is lifts or other. In other words ’ I am not available for any antisocial type addictions in any shape or form.

Answers like ‘I’m sad to hear that you are losing the house, your job, your work, etc, but I trust you will be able to deal with it’

switch your phone off if you can. I know, so hard but do it!!

I gave ten years of my life to a dysfunctional family with issues and the result was really crappy. In the end they died and I am still in shell shock.

My boyfriend has had NO life because of his families strange thinking and he is 36. They make our lives a living hell. Sadly he can’t tell them ‘to f****k off’ it’s just not in him.

Do NOT feel bad.

You are in a maelstrom of family dysfunction. You are not responsible for their behavior, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

You and your husband are doing a good job of setting boundaries.

Help only if you feel like it, and then only if whoever you are helping is clean and sober. Do not help anyone that is using.

Wow. That is a lot to have to deal with.

No, you should not feel guilty for wanting to distance yourself from them. You are doing the hard work of keeping yourself on a path to stability and good physical and mental health. They are all making terrible, terrible choices.

The drugs make it impossible for you to give either your father or sister the benefit of the doubt. They would need to be clean and sober for a loooooong time before I trusted them enough to spend money or energy on trying to help them. As for your mother, perhaps there is something you can do to help from a distance – recommending therapy, etc. But you are right; having her live with you would not be good for either of you.

And as long as you can offer your niece a picture of stability, and make it clear to her that her own choices can take her down whichever path she wants, you will have helped. I would pursue that relationship, so that she knows she has somewhere to turn when things get worse.

You have almost no responsibility. I would think that you could help your mother get set up with social services who could possibly file a disability claim for her and who could find her a place to live.

Take any of them into your homes? No.
Consider moving far away with your husband? Yes.

Thanks for the responses so far, guys. I’m glad that no one has chewed me a new one for not helping them more. The general idea in the South, at least around these parts, is that you do anything for family. I don’t agree with that sentiment, but I wasn’t sure what reaction I’d get here.

I would never offer our spare bedroom to my dad, who would never ask to stay with us, or my sister. She has a place to go if all else fails. However, my main concern is with my mother. I know that I can’t live with her. My husband doesn’t want her living with us anymore than I do, but he’s suggested allowing her to stay with us under certain conditions (in writing), including a 3-month lease rent free so she can save up enough money for a security deposit on a place for her and my sister. I’m not even sure I could handle three months. I can hardly spend an hour or two at their house without wanting to get the hell out of there.

I just keep asking myself, what is she going to do if I refuse to help? What if things go bad again and she has to leave her house? We have no other family here and I’m more than capable of taking her in, but I just don’t want to. Truth be told, she is always welcome to stay with my grandmother, but she lives a few states away and my mom absolutely refuses to live away from my niece. That’s her own decision, though.

I guess my main question is: How could I possibly explain this to my mother without sounding like the world’s worst daughter that doesn’t give a single crap about her own mother? I do care, but I just can’t solve her problems for her. The problem is that she’s so delicate and just about everything I say these days hurts her feelings.

@marinelife Moving away isn’t really an option. I’ve got a husband with a degenerative retinal disease that must live within a few minutes of his job so he can drive himself safely, and he’s not willing to give up the job to be further from them. I feel the same way. It’s too good of a job to leave it for this reason.

@livelaughlove21 Are there any charities that can help your mom? Can other family members group together to pay in a certain amount each month for three months in order to get her a room with dinner (for e.g.). While she makes plans.

That is what I would do, try and get her free/affordable residence and counselling and pop in now and then to check up on her.

Or, like I said, get the family at large to club in financially an affordable amount. With a definite cut off period. Plus, with some limits set. I might be wrong, but having her at home might cause more issues later on. (You’d know best not me).

@LornaLove There is no other family, unfortunately. We’re it. We have some family in WV, but they’re not in any position to lend any money. We’re the only ones in my entire extended family that has the financial capability to help with that. Organizations that help people out when they have nowhere to go are few and far between in our area. If we lived in a bigger city, it might be possible, but South Carolina doesn’t provide much to folks that are struggling.

I Googled assistance programs and found some that I could show her, but I’m not sure how helpful they’d actually be. I seriously doubt she’d do much but start crying if I suggested it.

Are there any shelters for battered women around? It sounds like your Mom should not return to that house but I agree with your instinct of not taking her in.

I,m trying to follow the narrative, but it’s epic. So dad returned? It’s easy to say “ignore em and proceed with your life. But as Rocket J Squirrel profoundly advised the hapless moose “That trick never works!” You’re in for the ride, like it or not. The sane one is ALWAYS stuck with the task of sorting things out, because frankly, it’s the sane thing to do. YOU must take action. Otherwise the situation will just stumble from crisis to crisis, and though heartless indifference might appear the ideal remedy, you know good and well that you can’t pull it off. You’re laying the matter before us, so that we can give you permission to dump your family. Well you’re more than welcome to my encouragement to walk away. It’s the smart thing to do. Too bad that guilt is such a genuine bitch. As for a solution, I can think of 2 alternate ways out. The first would be to isolate the 3 defectives from one another. The second would be to insert an individual with the demeanor of a drill sergeant into the household. It would have to be someone capable of genuinely frightening the bejesus out of all 3 of them. From the narrative, I would guess that it’s the unraveling of your mom’s personality that allows the other debilitating conditions to advance to Kafkaesque dimensions. Get her some help. Meantime, it might be prudent to consider the disposition of ownership of the house in question, in view of the fact the current owners stand a very good chance of being confined to institutions SOON. Were that to occur, the equity in the property wil certainly be sucked up by the state. You have my sympathy

Drug addicts (whether pills or otherwise) live in a nearly constant maelstrom of chaos which by its nature sucks in anybody else, sober or not.

All things considered, you’ve got a remarkably clear eyed view of the situation as a whole and have nothing to feel guilty about.

The only innocent here is your 10 yr. old niece but as you mentioned, you aren’t her parent and have no legal rights to her (unless social services abrogates your sister’s parental rights) which is a shame but reality.

If you need more local and immediate support for you or the niece, it’s as near as your telephone to find the Al-Anon meetings in your area. Just call the number listed for AA and explain whats going on.

Their phone line is manned by experienced sober people and the distinction of booze or pills isn’t really important. Addiction is addiction is addiction.

The primary reason I’m suggesting Al-Anon is because these are all folks walking in your shoes, exactly and you might find helpful hints and tips in terms of setting boundaries and enforcing them.

Also, if at all possible, you might be able to steer your niece to some of the meetings or services available for kids or teens dealing with addicted parents.

As you already know, detox and living a life of sobriety are two vastly different scenarios and it sounds as if this chaos will be ongoing for quits a while.

Hopefully your presence might help prevent your niece from following in her Mother’s footsteps, but that’s pretty much the only reason to maintain any contact at all with this dysfunctional family system.

But you do need to constantly guard against your own tendency to become a co-dependent in this mess (which is a perfectly natural tendency for family members of addicts).

So far you’ve managed to do that but don’t hesitate to find some friends in Al-Anon if your resolve starts to feel a little shaky or false guilt tries to assert itself. And, yes, there is such a thing as FALSE guilt in this type of scenario.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. These are all autonomous adults who are responsible foe their own lousy decisions.

Hopefully if they make enough lousy decisions it will lead them to their bottom and pave the way for truly wanting sobriety for themselves.

That’s really the only solution available here.

Do what you can for the niece as long as it doesn’t compromise your own autonomy. Good luck.

@janbb I found one, but they only accept 12 women at a time and it’s a requirement that they must find a job working at least 25 hours per week and they can only stay for x amount of time. She can’t work because she’s disabled. I’m not sure if they’d make an exception. I’m also not sure if she can be considered a “battered” woman. He didn’t actually strike her and there were no marks, nor were any police reports filed. It’s a long story, but she accidentally knocked him over and he, thinking she did it on purpose, pushed her back. I’m not saying any of it was okay, but I think there are truly battered women that need the shelter more than she currently does.

I’m hesitant to call anyone or offer any help because I’ve remained more or less out of it, aside from the hospital trip and allowing my sister and niece to spend the night. I’m the “selfish one” already, and that’s why I have not been asked for any help as of yet. This information may be helpful in the event that I am asked, but I’m not sure what good it would do at this point. I think they’d be more angry at me than grateful for any move I make to help them indirectly.

For now, I just want to make it clear to my mother that I cannot offer her a place to stay, that I won’t take the guilt trip because of it, and that I do not want to be asked for any favors involving helping out drug addicts…all while not coming across as cold and heartless. I’m just not sure how to do that.

@livelaughlove21 If you mom is on disability can she get access to a social worker? (Not sure how it works there). Here if you are, you get access to all kinds of groups and mental health workers. She might be drawing the disability so can pay a large portion of that to a residence with food for a short period? It might be better to contribute per month if it is not enough instead of subject yourself to an uncomfortable home life for a period. I used to pay $500 equivalent to my parents for their home p.m. For ten years.

Some companies sell homes as ‘doer uppers’, yes there is probably not as good a price paid out, but at least that money will come to them both (your mom and dad).

Perhaps just sit down calmly with your mother and tell her you find the whole family stressful and list the reasons, that you have worked hard for a different kind of life and that although you love her and although you care, you do not have the capacity emotionally to take on any of the members of your family. If she responds or anyone else that ‘you do not care’. Say quite the contrary I care enough to back away, since this is all very stressful for us. (Your husband and you). However, what I can do is this… and list what you can and can’t do.

@livelaughlove21 What you are saying makes a lot of sense. I think you’re rightly protecting yourself but I also think you won’t be able to do it without being accused by family members of being “heartless” and “cold.” That comes with setting boundaries with unreasonable people. You just have to have resolve not to let it get to you.

I just reread the details of your description and realized that it’s not entirely clear regarding your Mother vis a vis addiction issues.

However, you did state that your sister steals Mom and Grandmother’s medications so combined with her back and disability status, can we assume that her docs regularly prescribe fairly hefty amounts of narcotic pills?

(You also mentioned Mom talking kind of crazy or disjointed on the phone with you, so I’m wondering…)

@Buttonstc The only pills my mom takes are those prescribed to her by a doctor, and she doesn’t take everything prescribed to her because she says it makes her “loopy.” I’m glad for that, because she’s loopy enough as it is. She has chronic pain due to a back injury and was recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia. She also has issues with her knee due to an unsuccessful surgery to remove a cyst.

She doesn’t abuse her medication, but I do believe being on so much medication for such an extended period of time is at least partially the cause of her acting the way she does. Another part of it is the stress my sister put her through throughout the course of her own addiction. This involved hiding things from my dad she he wouldn’t kick my sister out, dealing with her stealing her medication to the point that she bought several safes for her meds that my sister kept eventually breaking into, etc. It was just a bad situation and my mom was left to deal with it on her own (her choice, but that’s what she did).

Her mental health is not so good and she sees a psychiatrist for depression and severe anxiety, though nothing he does seems to help. I’m fairly certain there’s something else there but I have no clue what it is. It’s almost like a dementia type of thing – fleeting memory, inability to learn anything new or take in information quickly, paired with being very needy, neurotic, and incredibly high strung all the time. She’s just very hard to handle. I’m not quite sure about why she sounded odd on the phone and I can’t really explain it. It was like she was saying things that didn’t make much sense – she said she “wasn’t in a good place” and needed to clear her head, which is why she went to visit her mother.

Not a drug abuser, though.

Thanks for the additional info. I assume that you do know that it’s not necessary to abuse narcotic medications in order to nonetheless be addicted to them, right?

And I agree with you that it’s defficult to determine which parts of her behavior are due to what. And having heavy duty painkillers in the mix just complicates everything further.

I’m also assuming that she has likely zero insight about how her hiding her daughters pill theft and keeping her from the consequences of her behavior just prolonged her daughter’s addiction?

I can’t think of a more classic example of enabling codependent behavior.

Thank goodness you aren’t following in her footsteps.

I agree with JLeslie that there is realistically no way for your refusal to get sucked into the chaos to be viewed by them as anything other than being cold hearted, uncaring, bla bla bla.

They’re going to say it. That certainly does not make it true. You just need to stand your ground and keep your sanity regardless of what they call you.

Because she herself is so locked into codependence here, of course it’s natural for your Mother to try to suck you into it and be baffled by your refusal to do so. But you just have to stand your ground v

You mentioned living in an area with few resources and I hear you. But I also know there is one group who likely knows of every single resource the area has to offer for people in dysfunctional circumstances. Three guesses.

Yup. That would be Al-Anon. It wouldn’t hurt to give them a call, maybe go to a meeting and see if anybody has any ideas for what to do with your Mom) without having her in your home. Believe me, if there are any people who would understand your reluctance to bring that chaos into your home, these would be the ones :)

And if there are any social service resources around, chances are they would know how to access them.

I’m frankly a bit surprised that Child Welfare hasn’t taken the 10 yr. old out of the home (with her mother’s track record.)

I’d say they sound like the Addams Family, only they were more endearing.
No guilt, just relief that the gene pool smiled on you…ish ;-}

@Buttonstc She is absolutely dependent on the medication because she’s been on them so long, and would certainly detox and possibly even die if she were to stop taking them. But dependence does not equal addition. Most who are addicted to narcotics are also physically dependent on them, but not everyone physically dependent on narcotics are drug addicts. Addiction is not having proper control over your drug use, compulsively using drugs, continued use of a drug despite harm, cravings for the drug, and drug-seeking behavior. Not the case for my mother.

I think she’s in denial that she enabled my sister’s addition for so many years. Especially considering she often gave in and gave her pills without her having to steal them. I’ve told her that she was an enabler before and she becomes angry with me for saying that.

My sister actually attends Narcotics Anonymous (which is part of or an offshoot of AA if I’m not mistaken) meetings frequently and has contacts there that would be willing to help, but you simply can’t help someone that truly doesn’t want it.

I’m not clear on how AA would help me with my mother, though. My sister, absolutely, but my mother’s use of prescription meds has nothing to do with why I don’t want her living with me. Perhaps I’m missing something, though. Can you explain?

My niece hasn’t been taken away, nor has child protective services ever intervened, because my sister doesn’t have a criminal record or anything that would alert them to come and check on her. There’s no way for them to know what’s going on because it’s all kept within the family.

@ucme * snap snap *

I completely understand the Southern mentality to “do anything for family” and in general I support that. But that’s for a more or less rational family that’s not a sinkhole of dysfunction, real or repressed violence and ill-will, and irrationality. What you’ve described here goes beyond the level of even a Faulkner novel. While Faulkner’s characters may have been drunkards, layabouts and misfits, at least they were hand-to-mouth misfits who weren’t generally depending on a benevolent enabler with cash and cars to fuel their trajectory into hell.

Obviously, you don’t want to be that benevolent enabler, nor should you be. The best that you can do (and even this may be too much to attempt, from time to time) is to intercede from time to time to prevent them actually killing one another. (You can’t keep them from killing themselves; it seems that they’re determined to do that with drugs, food, misplaced and uncontrolled anger and so forth. They will kill themselves, and the best that you can hope for there is that they do it slowly and more or less “naturally”. I hate to sound cold and unfeeling when I say that, but it seems to be pretty plain in your description.)

Unless you had a hand in instigating any of the drama – and by that I mean directly and/or deliberately instigating any of these issues, not just “being part of the family” – there should be no reason to feel guilty. Even if you do feel guilty, you’d be doing best for yourself and probably your family, too, if you simply marshaled other resources, such as your local county Mental Health Association and other such agencies, to work with them. It’s definitely going to be a simpler matter for someone who does this kind of thing for a living to do what needs to be done, and then go home at the end of the day and put it out of mind for a while, which you cannot do.

@livelaughlove21 wind your neck in

The situation sucks. It sounds like you have done your best to tolerate your family. I am sure it most be very dissappointing for you. Thank goodness you and your husband thnk similarly and you have his support. You and your husband are the united force! Since drugs are involved you won’t be able to fix much even with tons of good intentions and effort, so throwing up your hands for the most part is completely understandable and possibly for the best in the long run. You can’t take on the role of the emabler, and you already seem to be in the middle already, which is a horrible spot to be in.

Try not to guilt trip yourself. Drugs have control of them and your love and effort will not be bigger than the drugs. It sucks.

You poor thing. And, like everyone else, I am astonished you were able to come out of the situation with such a god head on your shoulders.

Your Mom sounds like she could be a threat to your marriage with all her drama, so moving in with you is NOT an option.
Around here there are places that rent based on income. There are some really nice one story apartments in a small town not far from here that seem really nice. They rent to “55 or better.” Maybe you could look around where you live for something like that?

Change your phone number.

I have a crazy drama family and I currently speak with my niece and nephew only. Don’t let others’ crazy drag you down.

However, if it gets to the point where someone will be homeless, you cannot let your mother sleep on the streets.

You are being selfish. But sometimes that’s the only sane option. You shouldn’t feel guilty about it, but you should brace yourself for it.

Like @LuckyGuy already said, Priority #1 is yourself. You can’t take care of anyone if you haven’t taken care of yourself. Following that, Priority #2 is your own family, you and your husband.

For better or but probably worse, you know your family dynamics best. You know how much you can handle. Give yourself a buffer, then draw the line HARD. Imagine your family is a storm and your boundaries are what is protecting you and your husband. Fortify that shit.

Once you know your wall is secure, help them as best you can from your little fortress. Call the shelters. Look up the programs. Check in with your niece.

If you feel a nick in your wall, give yourself a break. Take some time away to build it back up. Can’t do shit if it all comes crumbling down.

For the most part, I agree with @Buttonstc. But if you and your husband are seriously talking about taking in your niece (my husband and I had a similar talk), parenting a child always compromises your autonomy. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Good luck!

Did this land in Questions for You because Fluther knows that my family is also effing crazy?

You asked me a very valid Q so let me explain further. Al-Anon is for loved ones and family of addicts. So, I wasn’t recommending AA for you but rather Al-Anon (that’s not an abbreviated form if AA; it’s a totally different group intended for those whose lives are affected by addicts; namely you.)

But the members of the two groups do communicate on issues like resources in a given geographical area and sometimes the best way to find out where there are Al-Anon meetings is to call the AA phone line.

In addition to Al-Anon groups and meetings, there are also Al-Ateen groups (NOT for teens who are addicts but for those who are in homes with one or more parents who are).

Addiction is often referred to as a family disease because even tho there are some members who do not abuse substances, their lives are still affected in major ways by the overwhelming chaos and emotional disconnection that is a part of EVERY addict’s family.

The primary reason I recommended Al-Anon is because it’s the laegest, longest running and most well established network for the family and loved ones of addicts.

However, there are also groups titled Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA). It was an ACOA group that was especially helpful to me in dealing with my issues from growing up in the chaos of an Alcoholic family system.

(BTW: I use the terms of Addict and Alcoholic as synonyms because the choice of substance is less important than the fact that addiction is is addiction. The effects upon the family are the same regardless of the choice of substance.

If you can find either an ACOA or Al-Anon group where you feel comfortable, I think it could be an excellent source for resources, practical tips, and empathy for trying to deal with a dysfunctional family with one or more addicts.

It really doesn’t matter they only the word Alcoholic appears in the title. It’s for anyone who has to deal with addicts of any type.

In some more populated areas they do sometimes have more substance-specific groups but if the people in one’s family has primarily pills as their choice of substance, believe me, you’ll still be welcomed with open arms in any group for families of alcoholics. Addiction is addiction is addiction and it’s destructive effects are across the board.

Interestingly, back in the days when Valium was at the height of it’s popularity as substance of choice for addiction, I heard one of the old timers from AA give the most accurate definition of Valium I’ve ever heard. He said: “it’s basically powdered alcohol.” So true.

Anyhow, I do hope that somehow you can access some services which will be helpful for your mother.

(and my apologies for not making a clearer distinction when referring to dependence and addiction. I really am aware that NOT everyone taking narcotic painkillers is an addict who is abusing them and I fully understand the point you’re making about your mother.)

@Buttonstc It’s not surprising that people think Al-Anon is actually AA. It is the stupidest name they could have chosen, literally standing for the same thing that AA stands for.

@dappled

I agree completely but it is now so firmly established historically that I daresay a majority of the population gets the distinction.

However, majority doesn’t mean everyone and sometimes it’s way too easy for those of us who’ve been involved for years in dealing with a family of addicts to forget that distinction.

But, like it or not, if one is ever out in the middle of nowhere trying to deal with an addicted loved one, the best thing to do is find a local phonebook (or Internet) and call AA. then they can get you connected with whatever group or groups most helpful for you.

And they are always willing to listen and help in any way they realistically can. Every single alcoholic or addict now living in sobriety has a boatload of family and loved ones damaged by his years of active addiction. So, they certainly understand the problems you face trying to deal with your family and any way they can help is just their way of paying it forward.

Even tho I was never an alcoholic, some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten in life
(on a whole big list of topics apart from addiction stuff) has come from some of the wise old timers in AA with a 20–30 year track record of living in sobriety; those who’ve taken the program seriously as a springboard for personal growth.

@livelaughlove21

One more quick question. Are you or your Mom aware that for those on Disability (presumably Social Security Disability) there is subsidized housing available? In subsidized housing, the rent is guaranteed to NOT EXCEED 30% of her monthly check.

That’s obviously significantly below market rental prices. Yes, there are usually waiting lists but a listing of all available units is available and someone can sign up for as many places as they wish. Then you just accept the first available one.

Someone upthread mentioned that you can’t allow your mother to be homeless living on the streets. Well, I don’t care where you’re located, that does not have to be the only alternative to her moving into your home.

Everyplace has Emergency Services which will, if necessary, place people temporarily in motels, if need be. Because she’s on disability, of course they aren’t going to have her to live on the streets. That’s ridiculous.

They do have provisions for sudden emergency decisions. But, obviously you need to know which number to call.

But she won’t end up living on the streets.

I don’t know if you should, in fact I know you shouldn’t, but you will. They are family.

@Buttonstc We also have what they call section 8 housing that is income-based with no age requirement (my mom is only 50). That’s what she and my sister plan to look into if/when they start looking for a place to live together. They could afford it if my sister got her head out of her ass and got a real job that she won’t lose if my dad takes off.

@rojo I wouldn’t be so sure about that. My family is my husband, and I won’t risk him for the screwed up group of people I just happen to be related to.

@Buttonstc Shelters are notoriously bad at catering to anyone with a disability, whatever kind it is, and the ones I’ve seen are especially unkind to those with mental disabilities, and will cheerfully toss them out in the late afternoon with the admonition, “Be off of the property in 15 minutes, and do not come back!.” I’m sorry to say it, but them’s the facts.

@livelaughlove21 Sorry to hear that.

In that case I suggest you just say:

“Not my circus,
Not my monkeys.”

And repeat it as many times as necessary.

@snowberry

That’s really saddening to hear.

But I wasn’t really thinking in terms of a homeless shelter as much as I was thinking if how the Dept. Of Social Services typically handles things.

Most homeless people have no connection to that system (and neither do most really want it) but since the mother is on disability, then she presumably also receives a check so she does have resources so she could be stable once in subsidized housing.

Most homeless have zero resources so trying to find them an apt. does little good since there’s nothing with which to pay the rent.

And we really don’t know if her disability status is connected with her back problems. If so, then her mental state isn’t necessarily a factor unless she calls attention to it in some way.

I really don’t think Social Services is going to be cavalier about putting a physically disabled person on the street.

The social workers will try their best and I know that in some locales, they have temporarily put folks in motels until something more permanent can be found.

I’m sure it varies from one area to another and also depends upon the social worker.

Hopefully emergency services in her neck of the woods are on the better end of the spectrum.

This probably sounds crass, but your best bet is for Grandma to land in the hospital (for anything). Then before she comes home, you tell the doctors and hospital social worker the situation at home, and that it’s unsafe and inappropriate for her to return to the house. They can’t turn her away then. The policy is to first install a patient like this in a nursing home for a short period, maybe 2 months until they have assessed them. Then if their condition warrants it, the state will put them in an assisted living facility.

The downside is that the family home and all savings must be liquidated first before they’ll pay. The hospital social worker should be able to help you figure out what happens to Grandpa, niece and granddaughter if this happens.

@snowberry Not sure if you realize this, but “grandma” is 50 and “grandpa” is 46. Neither will be going into a nursing home or assisted care facility. They’re physically able to care for themselves. I’m not sure why you got the opposite impression. My mom might be a little crazy, but I don’t foresee any trips to the hospital in her immediate future.

@livelaughlove21 OK, sorry I didn’t remember that. But it doesn’t matter what age they are, if they can’t take care of themselves, this is a possibility. Sounds like it wouldn’t work for you though.