Why can't I just be negative?

If negativity were a mental illness, I would’ve been hospitalized years ago. I am not a therapist, but it seems pretty obvious to me that the great swath of personality types present in humans means that some will be more positive than others. From a counseling point of view, I suppose the concern would be some degree of balance – if you perceive everything as negative, surely that is classified as depression. But as long as something brings you joy, as long as you are able to maintain relationships, then who cares how pessimistic you are?

Everyone is free to be who they are, as long as your negativity is not abusive towards others and you are not a constant downer to be around, your temperament is what it is. Maybe this therapist is using reverse psychology, if she gives you permission to be as negative as you desire perhaps you will get sick of yourself. lol
There is a difference between truth telling and healthy skepticism vs. going out of your way to find the negative in everything. Anger and extreme negative emotions are on a constant level are bad for your physical health too, elevated blood pressure, heart disease, even cancers.

The mind body connection is strong.

If that floats your boat, I guess it’s OK, but you’ll sure miss out on some wonderful opportunities, and won’t be able to enjoy the good things you already have in your life because there’s always something wrong with them.

Peole generally would rather experience warm an happy over the truth. The truth can be very painful. In order to navigate the world successfully you have to be tactful and display a positive facade. This can be painful and take practice. But if you can fake it then you’ve got it made.

What do people want? We all want to feel good. So what’s the harm in playing along with the unwritten script?

Negative is ok if and only if (IFF for math weenies)you agree that two negatives multiplied together are a positive.

“I didn’t die today.” Two negatives means the same as: “I lived today.” Positive

Here’s a thought. If being negative makes you comfortable and happy, are you, in fact, being positive about your negativity? Isn’t that a good thing? Hmmm.

I’m guessing Debbie Downer (from SNL) does not get invited to lunch very often. If that is your comfort zone and makes you happy then fire away.

Actually there isn’t a thing wrong with being negative, I tend to be that way myself at times. If you feel negative then accept that part of yourself, no one is perfect. All of us have thoughts that aren’t always positive. There is nothing wrong with just being who you are, accept yourself and who knows you might begin to see things that actually are good and positive. Just accept yourself, the good, the bad and the ugly. Then if you decide you need to work on some thought processes go with that.

Here’s what the medium whose services I enlisted transcribed from her guides. The language is a little weird:

“Because you are brain of a known anarchist, you are form of person that cannot create doorway to your answer, which is you are needing to crack open your door and let energy in. This means you are numb because you bend to rendition of a life you believe you should be living, and this life is not about breaking open world of sanity, it is about world of insanity that you are deeply sensitive to, brought on by an energy formed at life of child. You became hardened by other beings that seemed unconscious, and you are finding proof that there is condition of panic and fear and loathing in society. But there also is a line of love and peace and loads of others who seek higher consciousness. Bend your light and find you need to create space for knowing your consciousness is allowing you to face the darkness so that when you are ready to receive, the energy of light will come and fill your spirit…”

The point is to say at one time I was fascinated (in the dictionary sense of being drawn irresistibly and in the archaic sense of being deprived of the ability to escape a powerful gaze) with everything evil in the world. What I understand now that I couldn’t possibly understand then is that this was an evolutionary step in my consciousness.

I sometimes talk about the character of the medicine man in Eat, Pray, Love who talks about meditating on all the levels of heaven and all the levels of hell. Either way you go, it leads you to the same place l. “Same, same,” he says.

I feel lucky that I was able to burn all that old energy so intensely and so completely. I imagined the worst of all possible worlds for a long time, and one day I realized there wasn’t anything new in that direction to imagine. It was like reaching the end of the pessimist’s Internet. Once I was done, I could put that down and find a true inner peace.

So maybe you just need to keep climbing that mountain of shit, and maybe it would serve you to pick up the pace or do it somehow more earnestly. Maybe you just need to get to the top of the heap before you can begin creating room for something different.

There’s nothing wrong with negativity itself, but it just doesn’t give you much room for error. If you’re content with your life, then negativity won’t cause any issues. But if you get knocked off center, then it’s a lot harder to get back where you were by looking at things in a negative light. Options get cut off before they’re fully explored, actions seem a lot more futile, and it’s hard to get rolling without a belief that things will get better.

It’s like there’s nothing at all wrong with being poor and content, but it doesn’t give you much security if something goes wrong. Having savings gives you more options when something goes wrong. It makes those things less painful.

So if you can find a way to be negative and still see a way through all of life’s situations, don’t mind being somewhat isolated, and are truly, deep down, committed to it. Then just own it.

But it is harder.

@tinyfaery: “Why can’t I just be negative without the world putting me down and disregarding my thoughts and feelings? Is being a Debbie Downer, a pessimist and a blunt truth teller a valid way to live?”

I understand what you’re asking overall. But you might want to consider what you’re asking from “the world” in return. You’re asking to be treated positively while being negative. Am I wrong?

I think your answer might be built into the first question of the details here…

@tinyfaery: “Most of you know I have struggled with depression for decades.”

If relating to the world in the way you do has resulted in struggling with depression for decades, how useful is this way of thinking? How has it helped you?

@tinyfaery: “Almost everyone gives me the ‘find what makes you happy’ or ‘look on the bright side’ bullshit that has never been of help to me.”

The latter statement here appears to be an attempt to force you into a particular view, which is not likely to help anyone. But the first question about what makes you happy is a valid one. It’s not an easy question to answer. And you may find that the term “happy” in this context makes little sense, right? Is it possible that your values are so contrarian to what you view as mainstream culture that you have built your identity around being “anti”? Is it possible that you value being angry because you feel that it matters? In other words, what are your thoughts of someone who isn’t negative? Do they appear foreign…or naive?

Regardless of the motivations of your therapist in making those statements, have you truly asked yourself these questions? Are you concerned that a loss of negativity or anger would result in a loss of tinyfaeryness?

I’m asking these questions because they are questions that I asked myself years ago. I do not mean for them to be any kind of criticism at all.

@hominid @kevbo You both sound like you’ve walked that shoreline before. GA.

Wow. So many assumptions.

Thanks @syz.

I love my wife, my cats, Disneyland, my garden…

I just see the negative side of things. I think ‘silver linings’ are just people lying to themselves and I think denying hard truths does nothing to make change.

I don’t have many friends, but the few friends I do have always appreciate my input. The people close to me see it as a great attribute I possess and often tell their friends to talk to me about some issue or another. I’ve been told that I’m a great counselor (I spent 6 years counseling troubled youth.)

Now that this idea has been put in my head, maybe I just never will be a positive person. I might rain on some parties, but that’s other people’s problems, not mine.

@hominid

Thanks for the response. I do see some people as naive or hiding from themselves and the truth. I have always been “anti” and a rebel; I kind of had to be to grow up in my house without going crazy(ier).

I do not see myself as angry, I’m just a bit melancholy and I’m irritated by people easily; especially, when they are so shallow and happy.

“Why can’t I just be negative without the world putting me down and disregarding my thoughts and feelings?” Because that’s an intelligent description of the world and it’s job. There are those who will tell you that this is “negative thinking”. Well to my mind it’s far too common to confuse negativity with just plain cynicism. The problems begin when all you can see are the flaws, because the weight of that truth must surely crush you. When faced with the realities around us, ALL of us should probably be clinically depressed, and I suspect that is one reason why depression is so often accompanied by superior intelligence. There are ways out for some of us. I can remember when I was little the Carnation company was always bragging about its “contented cows”. Now there’s something to think about, and I have been ever since. I’m not going to throw any “look on the sunny side” pablum at you, but I will advise you to keep busy, because as my hoodlum friend once told me, “Those with depression are people who think too much.” In the end, existence is so crowded with the absurd that there’s plenty to laugh at, even if bitterly. It’s no wonder Shakespeare just rambled from play to play extolling on the futility and meaningless nonsense of it all.

@tinyfaery: “I do see some people as naive or hiding from themselves and the truth. I have always been “anti” and a rebel”

So you consider yourself to be more of a realist, right? Maybe more observant and more in touch with what is really going on?

If so, what is the value of being this way if it results in your unhappiness? What I’m really asking here is if you find that you are attached to being negative in a way that makes not being negative threatening to you?

I can completely relate, and I can only offer what I found to be helpful. I discovered that there is nothing particularly more accurate about being negative. I also find that there is an alternative to the false dichotomy of negative vs. positive. Do you think it’s possible to approach experience in a way that is purely inquisitive, like a scientist? It might be possible to drop assumptions and expectations and experience everything as if it were a brand new experience. “Hmmm…what is this?” It doesn’t mean slapping a ridiculous smile on your face or clinging to the notion that everything is garbage. It means being completely open to what is and what there is to discover.

I have found that experiencing things as they are without forming an opinion comes with an amazing feeling. I don’t have to believe that voice in my head telling me how to feel about this or that – rather, I can see if for “myself”. Yes, I’m aware that I’m talking about “myself” ignoring the perpetual voice of narration that can also arguably be described as “myself”. But I find that believing the narration – and even just listening to it – comes at a cost. To me. When I can ignore it experience it “clean”, there is so much beauty that I find that I have been missing. What once appeared as a critical, realistic mindset seems nothing but blinders that hide what really matters.

Anyway, if you were happy with your current view, you might not be asking this question – and you certainly wouldn’t be content with decades-long depression. You seem to think that it doesn’t hurt you…

@tinyfaery: “maybe I just never will be a positive person. I might rain on some parties, but that’s other people’s problems, not mine.”

It may be that it’s only your problem. You are the person who is suffering here, right?

I can only say that I was attached to being angry and negative in such a way that I didn’t truly see. I am not Mr. Positive now, but letting go of the idea that it was important for me to be this way – that it mattered – was the first step in realizing that there is more beauty than I had even imagined.
But it all started with questions. Tons of them. Hard questions about happiness, the self, and why I would continue to walk into every experience wearing glasses that colored everything.

I think the point is that many people feel guilty about having negative thoughts. People think negative thoughts are shameful and bad. There’s nothing wrong with having negative thoughts. They don’t hurt anyone and you don’t have to share them just because you have them.

I’ve talked to some therapists who believe that there are no such thing as negative thoughts. Thoughts are just thoughts. There is no reason to feel ashamed or guilty about them. I know loads of people who need to hear this. They beat themselves up for feeling “bad” thoughts and pretend to be peppy and positive all the time. They think “bad thoughts” are for “bad people” and they want to be good. This isn’t a healthy way to live in the long run. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being positive, but if you feel you HAVE to be positive at all times, that’s pretty unhealthy because you’re not letting yourself experience all emotions and thoughts. There is nothing to fear in the negative.

I think this was the point of the therapist. You can’t force yourself to think happy thoughts and negative thoughts don’t really hurt anyone—so why worry about them? Why try to fix something that isn’t broken? Think whatever you want! It’s not evil!

I find balance and moderation of such things to be best. Often I find its when people take something too far to one side or an extreme, is when it is not “healthy” anymore.

@keobooks You are spot on. A genuine, balanced, person acknowledges both negative and positive thoughts as part of being human. Personally, I prefer to be around people who are honest and open about their thoughts and will take an honest grump over a phony polly-anna any old day.

You can be negative. Accepting that leads to the understanding that you can also be positive. Accepting that you can be both leads to the question of: Which is more beneficial to you and others, and to society as a whole?

Be yourself. Know yourself. Deal with the consequences either way.

The most fundamental principle in the universe of life is a very negative one:
Evolve or Die.

The principle may be negative. But the results are very positive.

You wouldn’t even be here if your ancestors hadn’t evolved.
Doesn’t hurt anyone for you to consider doing the same.

@tinyfaery
“She said it’s rare to find someone who will tell the truth, who can see the flaws and make them known.”

“For the first time I can see myself as being negative and being okay about it.”

I don’t understand where the problem is, I’m confused about the text after that. It is not a therapist faux pas. She sounds right for the job.
Without people who point out flaws, progress would be slow or non-existant.

I’m a truth teller but I do it with humor and diplomacy. One does not need to be an abrasive ass to be a truth teller.

Are you sure that your therapist has not confused / conflated “pessimism” and “being critical”? They aren’t equivalent, even if they may appear so to someone who’s not critically observant – or careful about the definitions of words.

Like many in and around my profession, I can be very critical of mechanical, logical, process and other flaws in analysis, design and structure. I enjoy debating based on fact and logical analysis of process and policy – and I’m nowhere near as good at it as some of my colleagues, though I do tend to express myself better in writing than many of them do. However, by nature I am always and nearly unfailingly optimistic – even though I’m often quite cynical. Those aren’t necessarily opposites, either!

Because I frequently see people obliviously misuse words in ways that are glaringly obvious to me, I tend not to believe everything that people “say”, because it appears that quite often they don’t know exactly what it is they’re saying based on poor word choice. I often have to question closely “what did you mean exactly when you said such-and-such?” It’s frequently not quite what they said.

If you’re a pessimist and suffering from depression, that would seem to me to be a potential “perfect storm” of emotional trauma, a concern, I would think. However, if you’re merely “critical”, and if that’s what your therapist meant, then I would tend to agree with that.

There’s someone in my life who always accuses me of being negative, which irritates the shit out of me. I absolutely care about the person, but it pisses me off that they’re so judgmental about my perspective of the world – which I do not think is negative, but realistic – especially because they’re so positive. I think they’re positive to the point of being in denial about many things, but I don’t criticize their perspective in a rough way, because I know that as much as it annoys me sometimes, their perspective can, at times, be valuable.

I had to, at times very impatiently, drill it through this person’s head that things do indeed make me happy. Just because I see the shit, it doesn’t mean I never experience joy. What seeing the shit means, in my world, is that I care about things. I stick up for the underdogs, I yell in the face of oppression, and my normally quiet voice becomes very loud when I am standing up for things in a way that most overly positive people tell me to chill out about, to calm down over… “Just relax”, they say. My “negativity” (as I’m assuming your “negativity” does) motivates me to make the world a better place, even if it’s just for one person, even if I think it’s hopeless in the grand scheme of making a difference for humanity overall.

Before people get mad at me, I’m not saying that positive people don’t help make the world a better place, or that they don’t care about making a difference in abolishing the shit… I’m simply saying that it’s the “negative” people who I’ve see try the hardest. There’s nothing wrong with your negativity, because it can truly drive you. People who are too positive become complacent; If everything is good, if everyone is good, what bad is there to rid the world of? It’s delusional and unfair.

I understand how tiring it gets when people constantly come down on you for it, especially if some of those people are ones you care about. Really, the most you can do is educate them, if you want to. Otherwise, it’s not your issue.

If pessimism and/or negativity isn’t causing harm to you or others, there’s nothing wrong with it. However, if it is symptomatic of, or is contributing to, your depression and/or is affecting important relationships in your life, then that is a problem. Some people are naturally pessimistic or negative but they aren’t depressed. Some people are pessimistic or negative and they are depressed and the pessimism is directly connected to their depression.

So for me whether it’s okay for a person to be pessimistic depends on the consequences of that pessimism on them and their important relationships. Only you and your therapist can determine whether this is your personality or whether your pessimism is a response to your depression. It’s a bit of a chicken and egg situation.

@Earthbound_Misfit What if negativity and depression are directly connected in the sense that a very hard life is what bred the negativity, so they will always be related? I can’t speak for @tinyfaery, but that is absolutely my case. The two can’t ever be fully separate, but I can still make it work for me most of the time.

I come from a culture of people who are viewed as pessimists. Jews tend to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. We believe bad things will happen. We are afraid to say anything good out loud. If. We do we say a kinahora to keep the evil away.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with seeing the negative, or seeing what might go wrong. Many might see that as being realistic or a game of devils advocate depending on the situation.

I think the problem is, and problem isn’t really the right word, but I am having trouble coming up with a better one, is that generally speaking happy people don’t dwell on negativity and what will go wrong. Part of depression is usually seeing everything though dark glasses and feeling helpless and hopeless. People argue it can be like the chicken and the egg. Being happy helps you see the positives and feel optimistic about the future. Being optimistic and positive can help you feel happy. Cognitive Behavioral therapy really pushes this idea. Fake it til you make it and eventually the fake becomes real.

I do believe we can often (not always) rewire the brain by how we think and look at life. That we can learn the habits of happy people and employ them abd the chemistry of the brain can change. It’s hard. As I said it doesn’t work for everyone either.

You can be realistic and be aware of what can go wrong and negative and not let it affect you so much emotionally. This is something I grapple with too. My husband and I can have a problem facing us and he can take it one step at a time and not let it weigh him down, and I will worry about it, be angry about it, feel taken advantage of, and feel like there is a conspiracy. Somewhere in the middle is probably best, sometimes I feel he is too naive, but my fears and anxieties and I will even say smartness (is that a word?) or knowledge about the topic can result in me feeling like shit. What makes it worse is when people tell me I am being paranoid (this is going on in my life right now) and I am fucking right! Needing the strength to fight against all the happy go lucky people, and ignorant people, and protect myself is completely depressing.

I don’t know if that all made sense.

I think people don’t like to see when people get angry, and my guess is your negativity comes out as anger, not just as pessimism. I have this same problem.

I come from an abusive home that was run by a horrifying terrorist. I lived every day, every minute in fear, from a very young age. Because of that I have trouble with trust and intimacy and I became quite adept at figuring out when I was in real danger from my father. I see the holes in people’s facades. I recognize the bad when everything seems ok. My depression is not because I am negative. My depression is a result of my childhood and so is my negativity, but they do not necessarily correlate. Negativity became my weapon against my father.

Drastic Dreamer is right on.

I do not have any anger issues.

@DrasticDreamer, if depression is a consequence of negative life experience(s), then therapy can probably help people to resolve those feelings or at least reduce them. However, the resultant pessimism is not a natural state. It’s a consequence of some external force or situation. Being depressed as a result of something that has happened in your life is something you might be able to live with, but your life is negatively affected by those feelings.

In contrast, if the negativity is your natural personality trait then why should someone change it? It’s only a problem if it’s causing problems and to me, depression is much more than a personality trait.

@tinyfaery, it still comes down to how it’s affecting your life now. If negativity or pessimism isn’t causing you any dramas, then no, you shouldn’t need to change to meet other people’s expectations. If it is causing you or those you love pain or unhappiness, then I would say anything you can do to resolve that is worth the effort. You potentially aren’t living as satisfying or happy a life as you can live. I’m not advocating the idea that you should be a sunny, happy person here. Just that you deserve the best life you can have.

No drama. I just don’t want to worry about being a happy idiot.

Thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate most of them and didn’t read a few—just didn’t care to.

@Earthbound_Misfit Was just looking for your take on it, and I absolutely agree that depression is not a personality trait. Not at all what I meant to imply, if that’s what it seemed like.

@DrasticDreamer, I don’t think you did say that. I just think there’s a big distinction between being naturally pessimistic and being depressed. The two start from a different place and have difference consequences.

In the end, whether someone should invest time and energy in changing depends on how their disposition, attitude or behaviour is affecting their life. If they’re ‘happy’ being who they are (whatever happy looks like to them), who cares what everyone else thinks.

@tinyfaery That’s certainly an unhappy situation you lived through but, you CAN overcome the past. I had a less than stellar childhood too, I am not interested in discussing it as it is so far removed from my psyche and present moment reality that it no longer impacts me nor has for decades. I think you are over identifying with your past as a reason for who you are now. You CAN make up your mind to no longer allow ghosts of the past to influence your present day reality.

It is a choice, it can be done. One thing that might help you is to understand that people who treat us badly are victims of their own past and programming. They were and are who they are because they have not awakened to the fact that they can CHOOSE to be different.
You are allowing your past to create your present day identity as a depressed and negative person. This means you are still giving away your power to your abuser. I hope you find a way to make peace with your past, this is the only answer that might provide some relief form the burden you carry.

@Earthbound_Misfit Okay, cool. I do agree that there’s probably a difference between being naturally pessimistic and depressed, but I do think for someone who has had a very difficult life, it might be close to impossible to tell whether or not the pessimism is a natural state, or derives from depression. I think it’s probably fairly typical for a really difficult life to lead to depression, which then leads to pessimism, which would be a natural state. Not arguing, just trying to define things for myself, I guess. Not always the easiest thing for me to do.

We all react differently to negative situations in our past. Like you, @tinyfaery and @Coloma, I have some seriously negative shit in my past. My sister shared much of it and we both went on to experience additional, and similar negative events. How we have survived those experiences is completely different. I’m a very positive person and while I have had bouts of minor depression, it’s not my normal state and the depression was not connected to my past. My sister’s emotional response was the polar opposite. She was very depressed and her life and the decisions she made were significantly affected by the past and her reaction to it. Had she been willing to go to therapy, I’m absolutely sure she could have had a happier life. Instead, and it breaks my heart to say this, she drank herself to death. My memory of my sister before the events that took place is not of a negative or pessimistic person. So I have to wonder how different her life might have been had she been able to get some help. She chose to stay unhappy.

These are good questions. Just be yourself if it makes you happy. It’s your life. I never thought of you as a person who cared about what others were thinking. Why start now? or am I wrong?

It sounds like you have finally found a therapist that works for you. Good luck.

It’s not what others think, it’s what I think based on reactions from others. It’s ok for me to be negative and I will become okay with my negative thoughts.

Cool? Cool.

Also, to everyone, never compare your bad childhood to others. Some people say they were abused because their parents were mean. I was thrown against walls, had my head shoved into a window and 6 stitches, put in the hospital from a concussion at the age of 8. And that’s the not so bad things. Don’t ever compare. It is condescending.

@tinyfaery I grew up with alcoholism, mental and emotional abuse and sexual molestation. My advice still stands. What’s condescending is to think nobody else could have it as bad as you.
It’s not a pissing contest. Time to let go of your story and realize you are not your story, stop hiding behind it, it is the long gone past.

You can be negative but be negative where it is really required, being unnecessary negative or taking out mistake always without any strong reason is not good.

I similarly can share horror stories that include sexual abuse. You could take the same advice yourself there @tinyfaery.

OK, I know this thread is in “general” section. So I’m being serious. Very serious.

I’m stripped to my skivvies doing the undie waggle dance for ya right now. That’s right, the undie waggle dance. I got moves baby. Smooth moves. And you all might get real negative on me about this, telling me I’m no good at the undie waggle dance, complaining how I could make it better, how it’s not fit for public view… I don’t give a damn how negative you are about my undie waggle dance!

IT WILL MAKE YOU SMILE!

See… I told ya. Wagga wagga woo!

@tinyfaery I have a relative who had some very bad things happen to her as a child and I think she also felt a little terrorized by her father. Never sexual or physical abuse, it was more psychological/verbal abuse. When I observe her she seems angry. She also says it’s not anger. I take you both at your word, but I urge you to consider that anger is usually from a place of hurt. So your feelings might very well be pain and hurt, but the display of it comes across to others as anger. It’s probably better in some ways. I once read many years ago that women tend to turn their pain inside and that is depression and men tend to turn their pain outward and that is anger.

If people who know you in real life say you are angry, then I think really listen to that. I don’t know if they do. It might be behavior you learned from your father. Some of the very traits I dislike about my father I possess. I am not as extreme as him, but his way of viewing and handling life I think makes his life harder, and I do some of it myself. I know you are not abusive like your father. I am only talking about how you evaluate circumstances in life.

I think it is completely understandable that abused children grow up to be adults with some of the heightened defense mechanisms you have and so many others have. The questions are, are you hurting yourself in the long run? The other question is are you maintaining your own status quo?

My aunt told me that when we get sick and it is a chronic state we take on that identity. We are diabetic, depressed, in chronic pain, have MS, you name the illness. Then after years if we get better or overcome it, patients don’t usually jump for joy in the moment, it takes them months to shed the old identity. It’s for many reasons. They are just waiting to feel like crap again, they don’t trust they are better, they are accustomed to identifying themselves a certain way and are accustomed to dealing with the syndrome or disease.

I really care that people don’t treat me like I am an idiot. I saw you write happy go lucky idiot or something similar. I am not an idiot. My father used to throw around words like stupid and intelligence was very valued in my family and is in my culture. Sometimes I feel like if I let my guard down or don’t say out loud that I know what the fuck is going on and you can’t take advantage of me that I am being treated like I am an idiot. Worse, being a woman, I feel it is done to us more. That my feelings and knowledge are ignored and dismissed. But, I see how my husband handles things and it makes me wonder if part of my feelings is because if how I handle the situation and if I can handle more like men do it might behoove me.

See, if you want to be a certain way you need to learn the habits and the thought process of those who achieve it. That goes for money, happiness, health, and more. We don’t have complete control over any if those things. Circumstances outside our control influence those things also, but some if it we can influence.

If you are fine as you are then that’s fine too. Maybe that is why the therapist is giving you permission to be negative. You get to choose. You don’t have to fit the mold others want you in. If you want to be less negative she will work on that with you. If that is not an issue for you then why make it one.

Sorry for typos. Lots of i’s should be o’s.

Truth is mutable. I am no more naive than you because I can see that there is more than one perspective, the “silver linings” that you see as people lying to themselves, I see as a more comprehensive view of the situation.

Be as negative as you want. You are no more of a realist or no more honest than I because of it, you just have a different perspective. Not all happy people are idiots.

Now that you have found a therapist that appears to support this perception of yourself (a good start, IMO, I have had therapists that refuse to recognize that my perception is quite honestly my own) I hope you can work towards a satisfactory outcome.

I found that I felt so much better about myself after I stopped believing that my innate character was bad. Here’s some things I’ve said on the topic:

From 2008 – Happiness or Creativity?
“Ironically, I found my happiness only after I decided to accept that I am melancholic and to embrace its gifts of depth, empathy and appreciation of others’ creations borne from their pain.
“Mind you, I don’t define happiness as the giddy ignorant bliss that many do… my happiness is a sense of wholeness within myself, and a contentment of knowing that I have come this far and will be OK despite life’s challenges.
“So my answer is no. I would not magically remove all depression from the earth… instead, I would magically allow each person to see all that is good about their lives, including the creative gifts that some have been blessed with.
“We all seem to judge ourselves more harshly than others, and focus on our negatives; so I think shining a light on all that is positive would change the world for the better while still allowing for individuality and creativity.”

From 2013 – Are you the kind of person who will always be anxious, scared and depressed even when things go right?
“I used to believe that about myself. Oddly enough, once I decided to accept that I was prone to melancholy and depression, and to embrace the contemplative nature and empathy that are a part of it, I started feeling better! I then realized that it was my struggle against my own nature, and deeming it “bad” was what was keeping me down on myself. What mind-fucks we play on ourselves. It amazes me to look back just ten years and realize how entangled in my own bullshit I was.”

@hearkat That makes sense to me. The worst is being surrounded by people who are extremely optimistic and the glass is always full and seem almost ignorant to what can go wrong. I’m dead serious. I hate being told I am negative for some of the things I am prudent about. Locking doors, questioning doctors, not wanting to drive a fancy car through the ghetto, and more.

@JLeslie Yes, but what you are describing isn’t really true negativity. Maybe a little overly cautious at times but true negativity was my old neighbor who bitched about how much she hated the birds. haha
Now that’s negative!
Me ” Oooh look, Scrub jay”.....Neighbor: ” I hate those damn birds they’re noisy and MEAN!” Oookay, well then…guess I’ll be going now. lol

@Coloma Oh, lol, my husband bitches about the noise birds make. He doesn’t like when noise disturbs his peace and quiet and especially his sleep. He’s a nature lover though. He loves watching birds.

I don’t even think of things like that as being negative. I wonder what specifically the OP might define as negative.

My husband hated me today for wanting to put something we bought in the trunk before we left a store parking lot to drive to the mall to eat. I didn’t want to be seen at the mall putting stuff in my trunk. He thinks that sort of thing is negative. Thinking about the bad that can happen.

Wow. What a lot of engagement with this question. I see a lot of anxiety here. @tinyfaery, I applaud your “negativity” with all my heart. It takes guts in this culture to call a spade a spade. Glad you found a therapist who’s not intent on persuading you that the problems you notice
aren’t disturbing.

Looking back on this question I have come to realize that I do not react to things in anger (I don’t care enough about most things to get angry about them.), but more in fear of being ignored and not taken seriously; makes sense from a neglected and abused child. I guess to me terse and tough words get to the heart of issues, and instead of dancing around an issue with a more gentle approach, I tackle it head on.

I no longer see myself as being negative so much as seeing things from all perspectives. (Even I can see the good side of things even if I do not feel them, per se.) I feel in general, that I am just settling into myself. I’m in my 40’s now. Maybe this will be my decade.