Parents what would you say to a couple that was on the fence, about wether or not to have kids?

Just for those who might not know, Mrs Squeeky and I have been married for 26+ years .
WE chose early in our marriage not to have children and it has been GREAT!!!!

Don’t become parents until you really, really want to.

And consider adoption.

I wouldn’t volunteer anything. If they asked me how I felt about having my children, I would rave about the wonderfulness of it all and how I wasn’t expecting the depth of feeling of have for my kids.

I wouldn’t promote or discourage the idea of raising kids, just because it was wonderful for me has no bearing on how others might feel.

I would tell them the decision is all theirs, and they should make it their own decision.

~ Don’t worry accidents will happen. They might just get children any way.

@talljasperman that is what people always told us, but I took care of that along time ago.

@SQUEEKY2 Snip snip?

Yup.and never looked back.

One of my favorite lines is “you’ll change your mind when you get older/have been married awhile”. No, I won’t.

@Darth_Algar oh? they used that on you as well?
26+years and have never wavered.

I’d tell them to forget about it and go play golf or something; if you have to debate about having children, you are not ready to have children.

GREAT answer @Hypocrisy_Central !!

I would urge them to not.
Being responsible for the life, health, education, happiness of another human is a very big task. It should only be undertaken by those who know they are fully prepared to undertake such challenges.

Excellent answer as well @Here2_4 !

Gotta wonder how many people who are answering this are actual parents. :-)

How many have claimed to be parents?
Why would that make a difference?
Were I asking such a question, I would want to hear the opinions from both sides of the fence. I did not claim in my response to be a parent. If asked for, I would specify.
The question asks for opinions regarding a decision to be made. Persons with knowledge of each potential outcome should present their opinions, for a most well rounded response.

I actually don’t care, the reason I mention it is that @SQUEEKY2 asked a specific demographic (see the first word of his question) for their unique perspective (implied by addressing the Q to that specific demographic by that first word) on the issue.

I actually don’t care, the reason I mention it is that @SQUEEKY2 asked a specific demographic…]
C’mon, this is Fluther, no one follows distinctions/instructions like that…..

@canidmajor you are right, BUT I do like hearing from both sides.

Both sides seem very entrenched in their views on the subject, and that is fine, having children can be the biggest blessing in your life, or it very can be the biggest curse.
For those who do choose it,better go in with your eyes wide open,not just with your emotions.
I do not regret for one second choosing not to, but that path is not for all.

What the main reason for asking the question is, couples that are unsure about becoming parents, and wanted to hear from parents as to what they would tell them.

I did overlook the distinction. I am the mother of three grown children; two boys, and a girl.

@Here2_4 no problem,and love all the answers.

I wouldn’t say anything, unless actually asked and then I would suggest it is better n just to ot to have children until you are 100% sure it is what you want.

I’m an only child of only children and have an only daughter. I knew I wasn’t cut our for a herd of chillins’ and my daughter, who turns 27 on the 18th has never been gung ho on having a child. I loved being a mom and it is the hardest job you will ever have.
Never say never, but I am perfectly fine with her choice and think that one to none is certainly in the best interest of our over populated planet. In my daughters case she does not want the responsibility, expense or sacrifices one must make to be a good parent.

Of course my organism would love to be a grandma, but I can live without a grandchild. I applaud those that choose to not reproduce, at least they THINK about it long and hard which is much better than bringing multiples into the world with no thought which is what the vast majority of humanity is still doing it seems.
My daughter was completely planned and wanted. makes all the difference.

@Coloma Fantastic answer thanks.But what would you say to the undecided couple?

I have children however all of my children are currently saying they don’t ever want to have children of their own. While I’d love grandchildren, they have to make their own decisions about whether or not to have children and that’s what I tell them. I do pout a bit at the thought of no grandkids to play with, but I absolutely support their right to make their own decisions on being parents.

I wouldn’t say anything. It’s not my place to tell someone else whether they should have kids or not.

Don’t have any! There are over 7.5 billion people on this Earth; why would you want to add to the problem, and then saddle your children with the problems of the future, like MRSA, overpopulation, climate change?

here we go again…........

@SQUEEKY2 That having a child is the most gratifying experience, getting to be and do all the things you wished your parents would have been and done for you. Sharing experiences, passions, caring for another human in the most intimate way.
The downside, constant attention to another human, extreme internal pressure to be a good parent, being faced with issues you have to wing in the moment and hope your decisions are right and fair. Fear of something happening to your child and knowing you would be destroyed.

Very true, and still super glad we never had any.

I would tell the young couple that they are smarter than the majority of their peers. From a cold economic standpoint, there is absolutely no viable justification for tackling the monumental and frighteningly expensive task of rearing a child. Most couples haven’t a clue about the rigors involved or the sacrifices awaiting them in a society hell bent on backing away from responsibility for its children. My children came up in an age when there were still housewives to be found. Jobs were plentiful with decent salaries. My wife’s family had a slew of doting aunts, uncles and cousins. Childcare, when necessary, was CHEAP. Exclusive private schools were throwing grants and scholarships around like candy, and a four year education at Berkeley was FREE. Then there’s what seems to be the raging fad of the “problem” child. It seems that every other kid on the block these days is diagnosed with some form of autism, or at minimum an exotic allergy in an age of absolutely abysmal corporate health care. My daughter was an absolute dynamo when young. There was a knot on her head every other week. The staff in the big comfortable and nearly always empty emergency room and the entire first floor of the hospital knew her by name and greeted her on sight. Blue Cross paid the bill every time, and paperwork was negligible Three years ago, the wife twisted her ankle, and I rushed her across town to the emergency room of my little girl’s youth. It was a sobering third world experience, and I’ve advised the wife that her next injury will involve the consideration of a mercy shot to the temple. But I can whine all day as to why those considering parenthood in the United States without a substantial fortune behind them are committing themselves to a life of privation. Just be advised that the social infrastructure necessary for sustaining the citizens of this country is shriveling at a rate galloping faster than the shrinking of the polar caps. And no other demographic is being sacrificed with the abandon reserved for our kids.

Well put @stanleybmanly good answer.

Similar question asked recently by the OP, @SQUEEKY2:

http://www.fluther.com/175186/why-is-having-your-own-flesh-and-blood-children-so-important/

Gee thanks for pointing that out @jca but it isn’t really is it?
That one was why is having your own so important.
This one is what do you say to a couple who is undecided about having kids.
There really is a difference.
And how about just answering the question?
What would YOU say to a young couple that is swaying back and forth on the subject?

I realize @jca that having kids was the best thing for you,and NOT having them was the best thing for Mrs Squeeky and I.
I would tell the young couple to make really sure it is what they want,parenting is a job you can’t back out of a few months or years down the road,your in it for life, so make fucking sure before you sign up.

I don’t have children. I have to disagree with people above who classify people who are unsure as not being prepared. You are unsure because you understand better than most 25 year olds how big of a task children are. Just because someone desperately wants children as long as they can remember and pops them out before age 30 doesn’t mean they are prepared or realistic.

I can’t speak from experience about having children, but I can speak from regretting not having children and at the same time not being sure I want to take the step to adopt at this point in my life. I always wanted children so my mindset is different.

I would say think about it because it’s a big lifestyle change. It’s a personal decision and not something I would really try to talk anyone in to or out of. People have to do what is good for them, with their circumstances. What’s good for me and what worked for me may not be good for someone else.

Boy. Hard to answer. I can’t imagine my life without my kids. I mean, who else can you count on to come over in the morning, wake you up, and ask you to baby sit their stoned dog until they get off work?

I really don’t have strong feelings one way or the other. I mean, I just don’t get this mentality of “You have to do it the way we did!” Don’t get it. So I suppose I’d shrug my shoulders and say, “Do what you want to do.”

Personally, I don’t think parents should influence a couple to have or not have children. That is a decision for the couple to make and parents should just stay out of the decision. Then after a decision has been made, parents should be supportive of it.

OK, what if they said, “We’re trying to decide if we should have kids or not. We kind of want to, but kind of don’t want to.” They’re asking for advise. What would you do in that situation? I guess I’d advise having a child.

@Katz22 great answer.
@Dutchess_III I think maybe you should just point out the blessing it has made your life,and let them go from there.

Yeah. I agree. List the cons, too.

@Dutchess_lll Oh!!?? That could open a whole new debate, I bet I can list a lot more cons about children than you can list pros.
And the only argument ,that I would get from the pro side,is they would say sure,but our few pros greatly out weigh your cons, and all I could add would be in your opinion.
Maybe you could get a pro-con question going on the subject and see what kind of response you get?

Just their existence is the biggest pro for me. You can’t put a number on it and it outweighs any con. But that’s me.

But..you start. :D

@Dutchess_III Exactly as I said,the pro side will say their few pros greatly out weighs the many cons.

I promise to stick to the facts, jack! Let’s do this!

OK, CON= the constant worry about their health and safety.
Your turn…..

Ok another CON= the huge dollar cost of raising kids.
with over a quarter million just to get them out the door, and on their own.

….............................I got nothin’!

I have already answered but would like to make another comment, I believe when people really want to have children they just know it and feel it in their gut, I would advise waiting for that feeling before embarking. Sure the woman could fall pregnant accidentally and they find they just adore the child and it works out brilliantly but if you are consciously considering whether you want to have children I think you really need to know in your gut that it is the right decision for you both. Mind you I would only offer this viewpoint if specifically asked to do so.

It never occurred to me to NOT want children.

@Adagio Thank you, nice answer.
I am not against people having children, just would like them to know what they are getting into,like I said before it’s a job you can’t walk away from if you find out you don’t like it.

All this talk about logic and reason and pros and cons is bizarre. My children were planned, but never with that mindset.

It never occurred to me to have children. Really, there’s never been any time in my life where I’ve had the slightest desire for, or could picture myself with, children. It’s just not something that’s ever been a question for me.

@Darth_Algar same here,just never saw them in the picture ,no matter how much the inlaws bitched about it, we knew early in our marriage we didn’t want children, and could care less what everyone else thought about it.
My main concern is that people that are unsure getting pressured into from friends and family.

When my son was about 4 I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up.
“A dad,” he said. He wanted 12 children. I think he still does, but reality is hitting hard after the first 3. He’ll probably have 1 more, though.

@canidmajor , oh and what kind of planning did you do then??
Because as another jelly put it , it’s a huge lifestyle change, and maybe people should know that before roaring in with emotion alone.

Oh, good grief. There was no “roaring in with emotion alone”. What a silly thing to say. I knew I could care for them in all the pertinent ways, then I had them. Life change, yes. So was cancer. So was the change in jobs that necessitated cross-country moves. So are bunches of things.

How about this: suggest to the couple that they flip a coin. Heads, kids; tails, no kids. Then they make their decision based on whether or not they’re disappointed by the outcome.

Why are you so sure that people will cave to pressure? You didn’t. My sib didn’t. My cousin didn’t. My co-worker didn’t. I’m sure some do, but I doubt that advice from well-meaning folks will make a difference.

Major con:

From about 14 to 19 most kids are little assholes and bitches. My daughter and I get along great but 14 to 19 sucked. Typical, they know it all, you’re too uptight, your rules bite. Man…that phase was enough for me to want to run away.

Made it out the other side. Dear freaking gawd. lol

I would say “Kids are great. But I suppose they are not for everybody.”

~ I love kids but I could never finish a whole one. Too greasy.

The missing “H” is bugging the livin’ shit out of me. Just sayin’!

@Dutchess_III The missing H????

In the question.

@Dutchess_III Whether? Go ahead and flag it.

@SQUEEKY2: Since you asked a question about “having your own children” about two months ago, and now are asking this one, it seems to be something that you find an important topic. OK, so you didn’t cave to family pressure to have a child. Many people do have children and many people don’t. I am wondering why this topic is something you’ve brought up twice recently.

@Coloma “From about 14 to 19 most kids are little assholes and bitches.”

More like 2 to 19.

@livelaughlove21 Seriously? I don’t feel that way at all. Why do you say that? I’ve been spending a lot of time with a 2 year old lately and she is the cutest thing. Wants to show me everything, always smiling, curious. She can scream bloody murder, LOL, but it’s momentary.

@Coloma and @livelaughlove21: that wasn’t my experience at all. Mine were challenging, sure, but never did I feel that they were “little bitches and assholes”.

Never? They didn’t hit 14 and become a pain in the neck? That’s rare. Do you have all boys?

@livelaughlove21 2 yr. olds are great, as @JLeslie said. My favorite ages were 3–4 to 10–11.
@canidmajor My words were rather harsh perhaps, my daughter was never in trouble and was a great student but her combative attitude and disdain was very challenging. We couldn’t choose a movie, pick a restaurant, shop together or do anything that required cooperation for about 4 years running. lol

@JLeslie: I said there were challenges, yes, but they weren’t bitches or assholes. We’d argue about stuff, but they weren’t awful. I spent a lot of time with their friends as well, who also weren’t awful.

Actually, come to think of it, the threes were kind of rough. They were endowed with Absolute Logic that had no bearing on reality, and it was…interesting…to say the least. But it really was interesting to see how their minds worked.

^ I completely agree. In fact, I don’t know any children who were angels and then turned into monsters when puberty hit. I’ve found the children who “act out” a lot are often the ones whose parents expect them to.

@longgone Not always, I am a big fan of personalty typing and being an ENTP married to an ISTJ we produced an female ENTJ, one of the most tenacious personality types. lol
My daughter always was very decisive and knew her likes/dislikes, wants etc. from toddlerhood. I think more parents should study temperament theory to better understand their children, not to mention themselves and their spouses and other family members. Invaluable tool IMO. My daughter and I blend magnificently in the intuitive and thinking zones but perceivers are much more easy going and judgers can be very critical, my way or the highway types.

My ISTJ ex drove me nuts with his OCD, anal personality style. haha
My daughters intuitive side makes her highly intellectual, artistic and humorous, like myself, while her judging side makes her more critical and prone to black and white thinking and extreme stubborness. That’s her dads contribution. lol

@JLeslie I was half joking. I probably wouldn’t call a child a bitch or an asshole, no, but I’ve seen plenty of brats of all ages. Most of it is parenting, yes, but I’d rather not be around kids unless I have to be. I want kids of my own, but I’m not very fond of other people’s children. A lot of people don’t get that. Apparently all women are supposed to ooh and aah over babies, want to hold them or play with them, etc. I’ve never felt the desire. I hate when women try to show me pictures of their kids or grandkids – I seriously don’t care. If that makes me heartless, weird, or less of a woman, so be it. I’ll love my own children even when they’re being brats, I just don’t love yours (general ‘yours’ of course).

I’d say, based on my own arbitrary evidence being in school not too long ago and handling student issues with the law firm where I work, teenagers are assholes more often than not. You should see the 300 pages of discipline reports I just had to go through for just one school over the course of a few years. Kids are pretty gross these days – blowjobs on the bus, whacking off in class, spitting/burping/farting on other students, cussing at teachers, acting like they’re badasses, calling each other “faggots” all the time. I know I’m only seeing the bad stuff, but it was such an overwhelming quantity of bad stuff. I don’t know why anyone becomes a teacher.

They don’t turn into monsters. They just start trying to fly out of the nest. They make unwise decision and start breaking rules.

And @Dutchess_III they have raging hormones flying around their bodies while they’re trying to do all that. It usually works out fine in the end.

@livelaughlove21 I’ve never been a “baby” person. I like when they hit around two and older. Then at 14 they get combative, self absorbed and annoying usually. Even the teens are great in my opinion if they aren’t my kids and I just spend a short time with them, but being the parent if a teen has to be nerve racking.

A lot of people say they don’t like other people’s kids. It makes me a little nervous when a childless person says it.

I was a good kid overall, but I remember huge screaming matching with my parents when I was a teenager.

You guys aren’t really selling the idea ,that having kids are great.

I don’t think people should ‘sell’ the idea that kids are great. Kids can be great, but it’s like any relationship, being a parent can be challenging at times. It’s also fabulous and to me, worth the investment. It’s not always easy though. Parents mess up and kids mess up and sometimes you mess up at the same time.

I was always the sort of person who looked on with horror when people brought their babies into work and insisted everyone ooh and ahh. Then I got pregnant and I loved my daughter from that moment on. It’s not the same for everyone and if someone doesn’t want children, they shouldn’t be pressured, guilted or cajoled into having them. I think increasingly people are choosing to pass on having children and that’s okay. As has been said here, we don’t really need more humans on this planet from an environmental perspective. Economically it may not be so good for those of us heading for retirement when the aging population issue really hits in but I’m sure we’ll all survive.

@Earthbound_Misfit If the young people are functioning and the economy is ok the older people are better off with young people entering the workforce. Many European countries give super long maternity leaves and all sorts of incentives to encourage people to have babies to support the social structure.

I realise that @JLeslie. That’s why I mentioned the aging population. However, I still don’t think the planet needs more humans. I have children. I’m not opposed to people having babies. I don’t think there’s any environmental advantage to maintaining the population we have. Economic benefits, yes. Environmental benefits, not so much.

@JLeslie Nervous for whom? Why is it okay to say you don’t like other people’s kids only if you’ve got kids of your own? I don’t see the difference.

@livelaughlove21 I would never generalize it to all people without children who make that comment, but when someone without children says they don’t like other people’s children it makes me nervous that when they have kids their expectations will be way off about how their own kids are going to be.

@JLeslie I have no delusions that my children will be perfect.

Other people’s children are the worst.

People who have never had children are the only experts in child rearing!

@Dutchess_III maybe a slight truth to that because we observe everyones children we come in contact with ,and with an unbiassed view.

Rarely “unbiased” @SQUEEKY2, as any choice whether or not to raise children involves bias.
Uneducated, perhaps.

Before I had a child, I was more intolerant of the behavior of children. Although my daughter behaves fairly well, I do realize now that there are certain behaviors that little children have, that are pretty much common denominators and it’s up to the parents to try to alleviate. For example, when they’re around 2 to 3, it’s not rational to expect them to sit through hour-long restaurant meals. They’re going to want to get up and walk around. Rather than the parents yelling at the kids and the kids getting upset, or the kids running around the restaurant willy-nilly, the parents can help (or caretakers can help) by taking the child around the restaurant or outside for a little respite. Show them some stuff, distract them, it’s not their fault they have a lot of energy and curiosity. Now that I have been through that stage with my daughter, I am more tolerant of seeing kids get restless in restaurants. Before that, I had a lot of “shoulds,” “should nots” and negative opinions of children.

@canidmajor I resent that (uneducated) remark.
So your saying only educated people have kids?
WE did alot of soul searching before we chose not to,and still glad for that to this day.

@SQUEEKY2: You didn’t respond to my comment above about your always mentioning about how you don’t have kids.

Well, resent it all you want. If you are not conversant with a subject, you are uneducated about it. Of course I don’t know your circumstance, but unless you’ve been closely involved with the day to day aspect of being around children, and not just as someone who then goes home to a child-free place after, you really have no idea what it’s like.
Kids are as human as the rest of us. I do not believe that I could objectively and accurately judge what an African American man’s life is like because I see them around. Yet there are many studies done, many observations made that can give me vague insights.

Yes, uneducated. Just because you thought about it and decided not to do it means that you have a better understanding of what it’s like to not have children at this age, it doesn’t mean you know what it’s like.

@jca Well, it was a pretty major decision for them, so it’s an important part of their life. I mean, I’m always mentioning the twins or my kids.

@Dutchess_III Thank you.

It is a mistake to assume that those without children have little to no experience with them.

@Dutchess_III: What?

It is a mistake to think you understand parenting if you have no children.

^^^
Good thing I’ve never claimed to understand parenting.

We all talk about our kids a lot on here.

I have never claimed to understand parenting,what I do see in public is kids getting in trouble with the law, smaller kids throwing huge hissy fits at the mall.
And parents looking like they just got back from full combat duty in the middle east,if that is pure bliss I will pass.
I do know it takes a huge amount of $$$$ to get them out on their own with a bit of education under their belt.
Again I will pass.
Also bugs me when people want a hand out to send their kid to sports events, or some other thing the kid wants to do,again I will take a pass.
The terrible 2’s and 3’s then OMG teenage years they want very little to do with their parents except have them bank roll all their adventures,again I will pass.
I know I have pointed out the negatives, and will miss out on the positives,like seeing their major accomplishments finishing school, getting married ,maybe having children of their own,again I realize all that and again will PASS.
So to those who choose parenthood go in eyes wide open and give it 10,000% your going to need it,and don’t expect others to fund fun things for your kids ,you chose to have them NOW pay for it.
For those who choose not to go parenting path, great and take NO shit about your choice from friends or family.

The twins….Savannah is one of THOSE kids. She throws huge fits while lying on the floor in the middle of the store. Corrie has 4 kids, and Savannah is the only one who has ever done it!

^^ I have never claimed to understand parenting,what I do see in public is kids getting in trouble with the law, smaller kids throwing huge hissy fits at the mall.
If you nip that in the bud early and literally, you avoid a lot of that.

Who are you talking to @Hypocrisy_Central?

Funny

Got to #17, or shall I say “made it that far”, yawn, watching rodeo clowns are better than other people’s kids.

What #17? What are you talking about?

@Hypocrisy_Central with both parents having to work just survive in this day and age, pretty hard to just nip it in the bud.
Look there are great parents out there that make it work,and my hat is off to them,BUT there is a lot more people that should have chose the no kids path,and they are just waking up and realizing it’s not a picnics in fields of yellow flowers,it’s major work and sacrifice.

@Dutchess_III What #17? What are you talking about?
Number 17 of that Facebook slide show (or whatever it was) with those pics that were of babies and toddlers supposedly losing it.

@SQUEEKY2 […with both parents having to work just survive in this day and age, pretty hard to just nip it in the bud.
That is certainly one thing modern society has gotten right, huh? ~~~ I suggest one of them earn enough so one can stay home and actually be a full time parent, as the job entails, like it was before the 60s.

BUT there is a lot more people that should have chose the no kids path,…]
A lot more did not choose, the kid was just a byproduct of their own fleshly desires, they were not planned; so you are right in part, they were not ready.

My guess that the majority of those kids were just tired, really. That’s when fits are most likely to happen. No need for spanking them, just put them to bed.

True fits, IMO, are best dealt with by ignoring them. If you’re in a public place remove them to the car and just wait it out.

@SQUEEKY2: When you say the parents you see look like they just got back from full combat duty in the middle east, I am not sure where you are looking, but the majority of parents I see do not look like that. I see parents in my daughter’s school, I see parents at the mall, I see parents that are my friends and I just got back from a week in Orlando and the parents there did not look like what you describe.

Still and all, I’m not saying parenting is all roses, but I am 99% sure that if you ask the majority of parents if, given a choice, they would do it again, I am betting they would say yes. Even the parents of the fucked up kids/adults, the ones who ended up in bad shape mentally, or criminals, or whatever, the parents would probably say they would do it again in a heart beat.

I’m sure with the Fluther parents that are on here, the results would be the same. Dutchess and others, if they had to do it over, would they have kids? I’m sure the majority would say yes. So there’s something to the positives that override the negatives.

@jca true but one of my best friends and he was a good Dad,said if given a choice he no way would do it again.
My own Father and he was a good dad said given the choice he would NOT do it again.
A Coworker with 3 children said he would not do it again.
My Mother said she would do it again in a second.
So did my friends wife ,who said he wouldn’t.
It seems more women would do it again then men,must be hormones ?
For some it is the best thing in the world, for others not so much.
As for tired worn out , parents look harder , not just PTA meeting, I look at parents at the mall, in public, and just out and about and the majority of them do look like they just got back from full combat duty.

@SQUEEKY2: You still have not addressed my question to you about why you keep bringing up this topic.

@jca , @Dutchess_III said it best in her answer scroll back and read it.

@jca, sometime you just have to not even bother knocking your head against a brick wall to get a good point across to someone who really doesn’t want a debate.whose mind is made up and really just wants to try to convince everyone how wonderful their decision is to not have children. There is an expression that “sometimes a person protests too much”. being obsessed with this one topic for years and years to me seems to be one of these “protests too much” people. .

Parents know the real deal about the love and closeness that can’t be matched by a pet or what ever excuse they give for not wanting to give of themselves to a part of the next generation out of love. a real family, with sacrifices and more joy and happiness then one can even imagine.

many times I have known people who didn’t mean to get pregnant but it just happened. after the birth of their child I have never talked to one parent who regrets having that “accidental” child. Instead they are thrilled beyond words at that new life they created.

a childless person can never understand that. I wonder how many childless people on their deathbed all alone still say to themselves, “Boy am I glad I never had children”.

Ooooooh, 115 comments and counting, and it is heating up…....shanks anyone? ~~ :-)

@BeenThereSaidThat we have been married for over 26 years and never regretted it, I do know there are some positive things that we will miss out on, but oh well, I will take that over missing out on the negative ones.

@jca I never understood why some adults don’t anticipate that young children might not be able to sit still for more than 30 minutes. I see older infants and toddlers begin to cry or whine and I think, pick the kid up, or get up and walk with them a little. I then try to be understanding and think maybe the mom’s back hurts and she just can’t pick the baby up in that moment or she will burst into tears. The baby isn’t bothering me, it takes a lot for a baby to bother me, I just feel badly the baby or child is unhappy.

Over 30 years ago the parent of a friend of mine was talking with my parents about a study she read that asked parents if they would have kids knowing what they know now that they have had kids, it was near 50/50 yes and no. I have no idea how valid the study was, or how many people were asked. Her husband said, “I don’t think I would.” All us kids heard it. Even at my very young age I thought that was so awful that he said that when his children could hear. I loved visiting them, it still surprises me he said. Maybe it was a bad day. He always seemed like such a nice dad. His, their mom, did have severe depression at times, which probably added to his negative answer.

With all this back and forth which way do you think the young couple will choose??

@SQUEEKY2 I am going to be real honest here and I know you probably won’t like it. No one really cares if you have been married for 26 years and “decided” to not have children. go for it, who cares, have a ball. My point is that I have known you for well over five years (on another social website) and you have been obsessed with this topic the whole time I have known you.

kids are crappy, too much trouble, cost too much money, get into trouble, take too much money, too much work, you and your wife don’t need anyone but each other…......

Who are you trying to convince us or YOU? why try to knock member here who have children love them and don’t find having kids a drag. Hell, you do your thing and let others do theirs. why all the questions on the same topic? jca should only know about the years and years of the same question just written different ways.

@SQUEEKY2: I asked you the question, not @Dutchess_III. @Dutchess_III has kids, so she really can’t answer it. The question is why do you keep bringing up the topic. How can @Dutchess_III answer that?

@SQUEEKY2 With all this back and forth which way do you think the young couple will choose?
I know, I know!!! They came to their senses and figured they shouldn’t make the child pay for their youthful lust, so they decided to have it, or they were too broke or stupid to find Planned Parenthood until the next time their lust got them in trouble.

I guess I never noticed @SQUEEKY2 bringing it up over and over again.

@Dutchess_III I brought it up twice in the last couple of months and for some reason it really bothers her.
People bring up other subjects more than once and no one seems to notice or care.
Guess this one hits to close to home, @jca we have had to defend our reason to not have kids almost all the time,and making people defend their reason to have them really offends a lot of people.
And @Dutchess_III did answer your question to me quite well ,if you chose not to go back and read it oh well.
I am not against anyone having kids, and as for the young couple I would tell them to really soul search and make sure it is what they want, parenting is not a job you can back out EVER.

@BeenThereSaidThat have I knocked anyone here for choosing the parent path?
Glad YOU finally realize that all people do not need to bring off spring into this screwed up planet.
The wife and I still get questioned to this day as to why we chose the path we did,maybe this is the only way I can vent and get it out there.The way people look down at us for not choosing the parent path,kinda makes me think they are jealous of our choice,we should suffer like they are ,how dare us not to have kids.
So thank you for finally realizing raising kids aint for everyone.

I’ve always said that it’s way too easy for people to (a) get married and (b) have children. Most of us have no idea what we’re getting into when we make those decisions. We do so for the wrong reasons and it’s hard as hell to correct those decisions…if we can correct them at all.

I mean, it’s not like you can send children back if it doesn’t work out for you.

So I would advise any couple “sitting on the fence” that they’re probably not ready for such a lifelong commitment.

@SABOTEUR Thank you great answer.

@SQUEEKY2 My response was an attempt to articulate an intelligent response.

Truth be told, when I read the question, the first thing that came to mind was a saying I heard long ago:

“If you have to ask how much it costs, you probably can’t afford it.”

@BeenThereSaidThat – I’m curious as to why you seem to hold such contempt for folks who choose to remain childless. I’ve seen several of your posts on this subject and scorn in your posts shines through pretty clear.

I would tell them their children would not be as intelligent or beautiful as mine so they might as well not try.~

I hope I won’t ever be bold enough to claim to “understand” parenting. Children alone do not an educated parent make.

Well, that escalated quickly. The never ending thread…

I love when people think they know all there is to know about parenting just because they’re a parent, and that people without kids don’t have a single clue what they’re talking about. I certainly don’t know what it’s like to be a parent, and I never claimed to (not that I was accused of that), but I have been around my fair share of children with parents. I’m not completely ignorant on the topic. And people without kids surely know enough about them to know that they don’t want any. Who cares if some people don’t want or don’t enjoy children? Why do people always take offense to that and get so damn defensive?

It’s that same condescending attitude people have when someone is getting married. The guys at work constantly told my husband, “Just wait man, things are gonna change. You don’t think they are, but you’ll see.” It’s only been 2½ years, but guess what? Nothing changed. Not a single thing. That “oh, you’ll see…” mentality is so freaking annoying. Just because you’ve experienced something doesn’t make you an expert. Popping a couple of kids out of your twat doesn’t mean you know all there is to know about kids and parenthood. I know plenty of “parents” that don’t know squat about raising kids.

I personally always said I didn’t want to get married and have children until my relationship with my husband got serious. I then realized that I couldn’t let him miss out on being a dad, because he’ll be a great one. He’s so natural with children, whereas I feel pretty awkward around them for the most part. I knew it wasn’t a good idea to only have kids because he wanted them, but as the years went on the baby fever started to kick in. It’s a very personal decision whether or not to have children, and I don’t know why people feel it’s perfectly fine for them to make comments on other people’s choice in the matter. Why is it any of your business? God forbid someone have an opinion different than yours.

The bottom line is that some folks choose to have kids and some don’t. The reasons don’t really matter. Who cares? Why do we need to convince these people that kids are great? I don’t think the human race will die out because some people don’t have kids.

@SQUEEKY2 and @Dutchess_III: @SQUEEKY2 has brought it up as question twice, but mentions it over and over in his responses on various other threads, too.

@SQUEEKY2: The reason I ask is that there are other people on here who have no children and they barely mention it. @JLeslie is one who comes to mind. She mentions it in passing, but does not go on and on about the miseries of parenting or children. Likewise, other parents on here don’t go on and on constantly on other threads about how thrilling being a parent is. However, you mention your happiness about not being a parent constantly. Your opinion on parenting and children does not offend me. It is yours and that’s great. I am just curious about why you always throw the comments out when, like I said, most other childless people barely mention it.

As far as the informal survey of you asking 5 people if they would do it again, I’m sure if you broaden your survey, for example asking parents on a parenting blog, even those who are exhausted from little sleep from a new baby, “If you could do it again, would you send the baby back and go back to being childless?” probably 995 would say no. I’m not trying to convince anybody that kids are great, @livelaughlove, I am doing what you’re doing, saying “whatever, it’s a personal choice” but at the same time, wondering why @SQUEEKY2‘s vehemence about not having them. Someone else on this thread said it well when they said it’s like he’s trying to convince himself. Like I’ve said before on other threads, I was 41 when I had my daughter, and was really at a point in life where I would have been happy either way. Now that I know both ways (being childless and being a parent), I can tell you that I would never send her back. :)

^^
Exactly. I’m coming from a sort of “history” with the asker of this question. For years I have heard him harping on this one topic. Like you mentioned in your post even answering questions to insert this point of view. a point of view that had nothing to do with the actual question.

You can imagine my surprise when I ran into the same person here doing the same dang thing. I will repeat that I don’t care who does or doesn’t have children. It is just that this certain member to me is like running fingernails on a blackboard. enough!!

on a side note, I would never pressure any family member for 26 years about why they don’t have a child!! First of all it isn’t any of my business and frankly I would just assume that they could not have children and I wouldn’t want to make them feel badly.

Considering how often people on here talk about their kids and grandkids, I’m not sure why OP bringing this up often is any different. I find people constantly bringing up their kids to be obnoxious, but I don’t give them shit for it or psychoanalyze them.

The question in my mind is is the OP feeling some regret about not having children? Or, trying to say he is just fine with no kids and wants people to know childless couples can be perfectly happy? It’s not for us to assume the answer, but for the OP to explain his intent if he cares to. It could just be he is curious how parents feel about being parents. I’ve asked some questions along those lines.

I mention I don’t have kids when I give parenting “advice” because it is like a disclaimer. I realize I don’t have the experience of being a parent and I really believe parents know something I don’t. I also think all parents, even if I were a parent, sometimes can use or need a suggestion or example of what might be helpful to them in raising their children. It’s not about saying the parent is bad, I think most parents I meet beat themselves up about worrying if they are doing the right thing for their kids. They worry about it all on their own and want to be the best they can be for their children. I am sometimes mystified when adults seem to not remember what it is like to be a child, but maybe I would get amnesia if I were a parent too, I don’t know. I’m sure my perspective would change somewhat.

I do have regrets about not having children, it causes me great sadness at times, it comes in waves. But, I love my relationship with my husband and we have had great fun in our marriage. It’s not all mutually exclusive, it’s a complicated matter for me and many others.

I have people ask me ignorant and hurtful questions sometimes about being childless, but the people closest to me almost never do. No one pressures me to have children. At times people make suggestions, because they see me having a hard time. Sometimes the suggestions are helpful, sometimes hurtful, but I know their intentions are good.

I think partly it is cognative dissonance, people want to believe they made the right decisions in their life to help them live with their own decisions. Having kids, not having kids, where they live, who they married, we have to marry in our minds our decisions and our reality to move forward in life and be happy.

Just leave him alone, guys.

@BeenThereSaidThat

If the OP is “like nails on chalkboard” to you it’s easy enough to not click on his threads. You’re not a kid stuck in a classroom who must endure the teacher scratching at the chalkboard. Instead you’re rather like a person seeking out the chalkboard, knowing the sound will annoy you, and choosing to walk right up to the chalkboard then complain about the sound.

@Darth_Algar: It’s not just on his threads, it’s in many comments he makes on other threads. If you are doubtful, you can see his threads on his page yourself.

@jca

Perhaps, but by coming into this thread @BeenThereSaidThat is needlessly subjecting himself to that which he’s complaining about.

Why is it I never really noticed it? When I think of @SQUEEKY2 I think of semis.

And so what if he mentions it a lot? What difference does it make?

@Dutchess_III: Just curious why he seems to feel a need to mention it and/or defend it when nobody else is asking.

I’m sure he has his reasons. I think we can leave it at that and quit harassing him about it. It’s just a part of who he is, and I enjoy his presence on Fluther.

@jca your freaking me out, YOU stalking me or something?
I see questions about people bitching about their kids all the time and so what if I add glad I never had any,or maybe should have thought about it before jumping into the parent path.
Others NON stop bitch about Obama don’t see people say YOU keep bringing this subject up?
It was a big decision in our life as @Dutchess_III pointed out, but you wouldn’t read what she said, just kept hounding me about it now you know.
As for your friend saying she assumed we can’t have kids that really makes her sound uneducated.
She is right though no one cares we have been married for 26 years we chose no to do the parent thing, wow so correct so why does it bother you and her so much?

A LOT of people are super great parents,and that is super.
A lot are not and should NOT be parents,and if they had thought about it maybe they wouldn’t have gone that way.

@livelaughlove21 GA!

Let’s talk about my grandkids, shall we @livelaughlove21?

Guess it’s ok for her to hound for an answer, but when I ask she goes away.
Oh well this has been a touchy subject with some, I wonder what choice the young couple will take?

@SQUEEKY2: I have not gone away. Am I stalking you or something, is that the question? No, I am looking to prove my point to others who may think you only mention your childless situation in two questions. I am pointing out to them that it’s more than just those two questions where you mention it, it’s constant and if they are doubtful, it’s easily found on your posts. If I make an accusation, I like to back it up with proof. The proof is there.

[Mod says] Flame off folks. While this question is in social, we do not need to make it personal. Please get back to the topic of the question. If you have nothing else to add, move on.

The thing about kids is they eventually grow up and move out. So you really get the best of both worlds when you DO have kids. I might say something like that to them.

Most do, my sister who is 32, and my brother who is 48 still live with my mom,how do you explain that to them @Dutchess_III .
and I have heard most children live at home these days into their mid twenties.

My kids didn’t.

My sister didn’t either. She’s in her late 20’s and she didn’t return home after college – she went right to sharing an apt with friends.