Have you ever been given the chance to explain?

I have made amends for my behavior while drinking. It’s a matter of taking responsibility for my actions or my failure to act, or for not being present. It is all about my side of the street, nothing about anything that anyone else has done or failed to do.

If you are sincere in taking ownership, yo will not use the wrong words. One ought not to say it was because of this or that, but rather, “I though this…and I was mistaken.”

And the last thing is to offer to be of service to the person that was harmed.

A friend of mine dated a married man back when we were about 18–20. She knew he was married and his wife found out about it. Fast forward 30 years. We ran into both of them at a crafts festival. I guess it made my friend start thinking back to what she did all those years ago. That week she went to their house to apologize. She knocked, the woman opened the door. My friend said “I am Mary, do you know who I am?” The woman said yes I know who you are. Mary went on to tell her she was very sorry to have messed around with her husband all those years ago and was very sorry for any pain she caused. The woman thanked her and said she appreciated my friend doing this.

Yes. A dear friend and co-worker confided that her relationship with another co-worker was over. A month or so later, I attended an after-work function. One person asked what was going on with the couple and another person responded that they were now “divorced” (even though they were only dating). I opened my big fat mouth and confirmed that they broke up, assuming that the word was out.

Not long after that, I was on vacation and called into work to check messages. There was a scathing message from this friend about spilling the beans. It really hurt that she wasn’t willing to talk it out in person, but any level of confrontation is not her way.

It took two years before we were in the same room together in a private setting. I broached the subject, apologized and explained. She may have understood based upon her reaction, but it ended up not mending the friendship that we once had. At least I was able to walk away without feeling any guilt.

This sort of thing can go either way. In one fell swoop the person might tell you they don’t think about it anymore and that they feel badly you have suffered for so long. Or, they might take everything you say and twist it, because they still harbor angry feelings. I have witnessed both results.

It’s worth the try. I think it is good you have this opportunity. Say what you want to the person, but try not to babble on too long. It can’t get much worse than it is already. In your own mind you have punished yourself for years. More than you would have been condemned to by another is my guess.

I don’t know what you did, but I hope you can get freed from the prison of regret, guilt, and remorse.

Truth is, if you wrong somebody, you did it and you were either being an asshole or you were really careless.

Unless you got some really bad information, or never got the letter or memo or something (which is rare), there really isn’t an explanation other than “Hey, I fucked up!”

So even if we get a chance to explain, there are usually not that many credible explanations.

I was on the opposite end of things. Someone that I was very close to—that I called my friend—wronged me and hurt me very badly. I assumed that it was a personal downward spiral involving drugs or gambling because he ended up losing his house and business. Just before I moved out of town I encountered him working at a place I frequented. He went down on his knees and hugged me, apologized, and it made me so at peace. I hated the way we had left things.

It almost doesn’t matter what you say. As long as you say it, you will both feel better.

Every time I explain It just makes it worse. I was off my medications and was not taking care of myself very good. I just want to be forgiven so I can move forward. Love makes people do crazy things.

Thank you, everyone, for sharing your stories. I did screw up, horribly. I spent years hating myself in ways I didn’t know were possible, trying to personally atone for something that can’t ever be made right. My concern is not with my feelings, but with what I did to them – and I want them to know that. That I don’t care about what I went through, or continue to go through. I was stunned that I was even given this opportunity, and I am unimaginably grateful. But I’m still scared it will come out wrong. I do not want to cause them even more pain.

Ten years is a long time, and I came to realize at a certain point that, as badly as I messed up, there were other things at play in my life that contributed. I was completely lost emotionally, because of a secret I was keeping that wasn’t even mine. A secret that was destroying me, and because of it, I just… Went away. I closed down, abandoned people. I didn’t engage with anyone in meaningful ways, because I just couldn’t cope with what I knew. Looking back now, I realize that I was truly out of control – I wasn’t properly functioning. But I don’t even know if I should attempt to explain this, or if it would just seem like an excuse. Because even though it was very real, ultimately, even I don’t think it was an excuse for the hurt I caused.

Have you ever seen the show “My Name is Earl.” ? He is a thug who believes karma wants him to make right all the wrongs he did to other people.
Of course it is fiction but it is interesting to see how people react and the effect of the apology.
You might find it instructive.

I think we need to know how the re-connection occurred for us to have an appropriate response.

Either someone sought someone out, or you saw a reference to the other person and considered contact.

I attempted contact, and the person contacted me back. They explained that after so many years, they would be willing to listen, and that they no longer hated me how they used to.

If I Initiated contact and I was not rebuffed out-of-hand, I would follow through.

You asked. Accept an answer.

I intend to follow through, I’m just worried about what to say/how to say things.

I got this formula from an article some time back… if you want to use it, it might help.

Say what you feel was done. Say how you feel about it. Say you’re sorry. Don’t try to explain yourself out of it.

There was a guy I hurt in college- I was not into him and didn’t have the spine to ‘hurt his feelings,’ so I set him up with someone else. Apparently, that didn’t go well. 20 years later, I was in the vicinity of where I knew he worked and stopped by to apologize. I’m not sure it was the best time/place, but he let me know he appreciated it after he got over his shock.

I was apologized to, too. A high school classmate sought me out to apologize for making great attempts at destroying my senior year with rumors and lies. She admitted she had been intensely jealous of me because one teacher had told her to ‘be more like Lingua,’ and genuinely meant to destroy me any way she could. Fortunately, I had a pretty good senior year regardless. She apologized, and I told her that the teacher had no place saying what she did. We’re friends now :D

You could ask him or her what s/he would like to have you say.

Well, I already sent something back to the person, and now I’ll just wait to see how it goes.

@gailcalled I like the idea, in general, but considering it was me who attempted contact again, I’m not sure how well that would sit with the person. If they are comfortable replying back to me again, though, I will absolutely take that route, because it’s the best way for me to gauge what they want/need from me, if anything.

I should have been clearer. This suggestion works only if you are in the same room together and you have already apologized. Not a suitable technique for email, texting or phoning.

@gailcalled Yeah, unfortunately, not in person.

Avoid making any excuses or trying to justify whatever happened. I’m sure you’re aware of this but it’s worth mentioning. I hope it goes well for you and you and they gain some relief from clearing the air.

Sometimes it helps to explain how you have changed and would never do that to someone else. I don’t know if it applies in your situation. I think it just emphasizes that you really understand your error.

I know you are not worried about yourself. I worry about you though. I do understand what you mean though. I had a really bad experience at a hospital in the CT diagnostic center. It left me crying at the time and for weeks afterwards the memory of it brought me to tears it was so extremely upsetting. I wrote a letter about it and some other things that happened at the hospital. The head of CT called me, talked to me, and apologized for where they were wrong. She told me she was going to address it with her staff. That what happened to me should not have happened and she wanted to make sure it doesn’t happen to anyone else. In that moment of her taking responsibility and assuring me that what happened to me should not happen to any patient 95% of my post tramautic stress about the incident left me. I hope if the person who you hurt still has pain from what you did that the same can happen for them.

I should say I am not strict about how someone apologizes to me while some people are very specific about what an apology should entail. They watch for your every word. People who do that I have decided are too exhausting. I used to twist myself in knots for people like that. Worse, psychologists seem to be on this bandwagon of how an apology should be worded. I have overcome punishing myself that the person persists on staying angry at me even though I have apologized with sincerity and decided they are too much work. I don’t think that will quite apply in your situation, because it isn’t like you are currently in a relationship with the person, but I just mean to say that no matter how you word it, it seems pretty obvious to me you have suffered, you wish you could change what you did, and you truly are apologetic. If they don’t see that then give yourself a break and know you tried and that the other person just can’t let go. They harm themselves and you can’t control that. I have taken seriously what people say regarding how an apology should be worded, but sometimes in the moment we word things in a not so perfect way.

If you can do it:

Never complain; never explain.