How do I learn to let go of what I can't change?

You can’t. You can only give it time to diminish in importance.

Oh @longgone why don’t you and your sister come to me? I am in a similar situation. Even though I am a Jew and we raised out kids as Jews, their Dad was not and Christmas became a very special family day to all of us. The past few years I have been with one or the other of the two kids, this year I will be alone and my Ex will be with his new bride and her kids. One of my kids in particular is having a rough time with the divorce in general.

It sounds like you Dad has determined to “move on” – a phrase I have come to hate.

My sons are going to be with me for Thanksgiving prior to attending their Dad’s wedding that weekend. We are determined to make our holiday special

The holidays are hard and family changes are hard. All I can offer is time and a hug. And one practical suggestion – maybe you can come up with some new special rituals that will become meaningful over time.

In such a case as you describe, there is, to paraphrase Yoda in a way that I hope is helpful, “There is no ‘learn’, only ‘do’.”

You can’t “learn” to change your emotions, I think. You can only learn how to live with them, and that you can do.

There have been all kinds of books, seminars, support groups, websites, you name it, places and ways to learn “how to detach” and “how to cope with various stresses”. (I just read an excellent article in a recent Discover magazine about how long-distance swimmer Diana Nyad learned to cope with the physical hazards and demands of swimming 110 miles in open sea between Cuba and Florida.) Although the stresses are certainly different, the idea is the same: learn to recognize and prepare for the slings and arrows that life will throw your way, and keep on keepin’ on.

This doesn’t have to mean “learn to harden your heart and not care” (although that is an approach that some people certainly take, and which I do not recommend – you miss so much of the best of life that way!), but “learn how to persevere with grace and calm even when it hurts”. I would suggest a bookstore or Google search for “coping with loss” and see where that gets you.

If you’re interested, the particular article I refer to is Feats of Will in the October 2014 issue of Discover.

@janbb , I think that your suggestion is a very good one. I don’t know if location would allow you all to get together, but there are families taken apart all over. Perhaps @longgone can find someone close by who is going to be very lonely for the holidays who can be invited to participate, and make some new traditions. There are lots of people in retirement homes who have lost spouses to age and have very special fond memories which are painful now that their beloved is gone. You can’t make what is gone come back. The best you can hope for is to cultivate new happiness. You are fortunate to have something which you could value so deeply with your family. It is a shame it is gone, but make something new matter now. It requires adjustment. I have been experiencing new adjustments of my own. I can’t make your pain go away, but I can tell you what has helped me some. Tears can’t bring back what is gone. They can only wash away some if the ick you are feeling inside. Have a good cry over such things, once. After that is simply redundant. Once you have cried away some of the pain, it is time to move forward with action. Fix what you can, scrap what you can’t fix, and look for new materials to build your next thing. Sometimes losing something is a good thing. It keep us from becoming sedentary. We humans are best when challenged to keep moving, changing, improving.
I am sorry this change is a painful one for you, but do your best to grow from it, rather than be the weeping victim. Stand up strong and tall, and tell yourself your sister will be fine, and you have a job to do. Make things come together, so that Christmas tradition won’t be switched from warmth and love to emptiness and resentment.

It’s left to you and your sister to carry on with the tradition. Given time, you might be able to work the 2 couples back into the drill.

Christmas is tough.

Getting a divorce from my ex wife was one of the top 5 greatest things I ever did.

And I am never alone at Christmas. I have children, other relations, more friends than I can count and a great girlfriend.

But I still miss Christmas with a “family unit”. Everything else is hard to get used to.

A lifetime ago, before email and skype, we lived overseas, far away from family. Between their divorces and open, festering wounds there were so many bad feelings between different family branches it was an uncomfortable chore. While overseas our little family spent holidays either alone or with friends – and it was w.o.n.d.e.r.f.u.l! The kids could play with their toys. I could read a book or nap. We could eat what and when we wanted. We could go back to bed if we wanted. We did not have to travel. Did i say it was wonderful?
Maybe your tradition has outlived its usefulness. Start a new one. Do it twice and it becomes tradition.

You are not the first person to have these feelings. The divorce rate is approaching 60% so there are many people in the same position. Think about this proposal for a tradition: Imagine how wonderful it would be to have a meetup with people you met here. If you accepted the sweet invitation from @janbb I guarantee all of you would be smiling.

Easy. Change yourself, by letting go of everything you can’t change.

Thanks for making me feel better. I just sent him a message, as a last try…if that is unsuccessful, I’ll find a new tradition. I don’t want to cut him out without checking.

Not a whining message, a calm one – explaining what I want in short, sensible sentences.

@longgone You have never seemed like a whiner.

Well, I don’t exactly whine – but I tend to be insistent, bordering on manipulative. Especially when it comes to my family. I care about my sisters a lot, and I always have a hard time staying calm when dealing with my dad. Too much baggage.

You really can’t control the actions of others. Try to think of a way of crafting new traditions with your family. Involve your younger sister.

All you can control is your reaction to things. So think very hard about what your holiday plans with your dad will include.

You really can’t change the new lifestyle your parents have chosen. I don’t mean to sound harsh but I know exactly how you are feeling. my parents divorced when I was sixteen and the oldest of five kids. Divorce hurts the children and leaves scars that last for years. most of these scars we keep to ourselves and walk around feeling really sad. The worst are always the holidays and the memories you have of your parents together as a family.

I can tell you it will get better in time. It didn’t for me for a long time. I finally got over my parents divorce when I married and had children of my own. You learn from your parents divorce how important it is to stay together and work things out. As long as there is no physical abuse anything can be worked out. Good luck to you.

Your explanation seems to indicate you have an emotional investment in the situation continuing as it’s been. An emotional investment means seeing things as you want them to be, not accepting things as they are.

Most people have difficulty accepting what is. To do so means shifting your perspective drastically. Most of us aren’t willing to put in the work.

There’s no “how to” involved in letting go besides seeing the futility of seeing things a particular way.

Letting go takes care of itself.

Do it once. It feels liberating. Makes it easier to do again.

Update:

Well, it’s going to be just us for Christmas Eve. We’re seeing our dad on Boxing Day. Slowly, that is becoming all right…your comments helped a lot, thanks again!

To make up for the tradition we lost, we’ll be singing some songs this Christmas. We have never done that, and we all like to sing. My youngest sister is still not happy about the change, but I’m pretty sure she’ll be okay once Christmas gets closer!

@longgone, family traditions are important and especially to our children. There are some traditions I still have to follow because my very grown up children would start a protest movement if I didn’t follow them. However, I’m divorced from my children’s father and he is no longer involved. So while some traditions have continued, some that involved him, had to end.

Christmas is all about family for me, so I can absolutely understand how hard it is to see traditions you love and that have symbolised your intact family, falling apart. Some things will change though. It sounds as though your parents are moving on from their relationship and aren’t invested in the traditions that mean so much to you.

Where you can, perhaps you can keep some of those traditions going for your sisters. Reading certain books for instance. My sister always used to read me A visit from St Nicholas (Twas The Night Before Christmas) and I loved it and her for doing it each Christmas Eve. My other sister always loved and loves watching The Wizard of Oz at Christmas. So some things you can probably maintain with your sisters. Some others, you’ll need to let go. You can’t force your parents to participate and really, the outcome would be hollow.

Make some new traditions to fill the void. Christmas is still about family, but it will look different to how it used to look. It can still be special and filled with love. Perhaps you can organise to do something with your Dad, that’s about him and his children. Something you haven’t done before but that works for him and his new life but lets you all connect and show how much you love each other.

^ Thanks, especially for the last paragraph! Will take that to heart…

…and yes, we’ll be reading our books, just without dad.