Worst abusive mother ever. What should I do now?

Well, for starters, you should probably see if you can get this question moved to General, because it’s obviously a question that you want to have answered seriously – since it’s such a serious topic and apparently fundamental to your social development – but that’s just “where to ask the question”. It doesn’t really resolve the issue.

For my part, I doubt whether you’ll have a lot of success in recovering the memory, validating what you do “remember”, and then what good it will do you when you do.

I tend to doubt whether your memory as a two-year-old is anywhere near accurate. It may be that things happen as you describe, but I have great doubt whether anyone can recall memories accurately from that deep in their childhood. I had a wonderful childhood, with no serious trauma of any kind, and for most of my life I’ve never had a “real” memory that predates my first day of kindergarten, at 4 years of age. And I have very few memories of that part of my life.

It’s more likely that this “memory” has been related to you – told to you – by someone else (possibly even your mother herself) and has now been retained in your mind as a false memory. (If you check out the prevalence of false memory in children you’ll understand why I might think that way.)

I don’t doubt that you had a traumatic childhood, nor do I doubt the likely fact that your mother was (perhaps still is) as abusive as you say. It’s definitely something you need to process in some way, to deal with so that you can grow to be a healthy, non-abusive adult in your own right. But trying to reach back to memories of when you were a helpless toddler or infant will not help you today to deal with the feelings, emotions and imprinted patterns of behavior that will guide your future attitudes and actions.

I think you should be talking to a professional therapist or counselor about these issues instead of seeking direct advice on your psyche from even the most well-meaning strangers on the internet. It’s not about what we think of your memories, your mother or your best path to follow for the future; it comes down to how you deal with it and map out your actions from now on.

@CWOTUS Although many people can’t remember back that far into childhood, there are quite a few who can, myself being one of them. It is rare, but not impossible, and my earliest memories (full and detailed) start at 2 years, as well. I have had this validated to me, numerous times, from multiple adults in my life. So it’s very possible that he really is remembering what happened to him, in clear detail.

That said, @wsxwh111, you should absolutely consider the advice to speak with a therapist. If you experienced that much abuse and trauma, you may have a form of PTSD, which only a licensed professional will be able to help you with. Even if you don’t have PTSD, they’ll still be able to help much more than anyone here. That doesn’t mean you can’t continue to ask questions or seek advice here, or look for people to relate to, but you’d be best off looking for help outside of Fluther.

I’m sorry you had to go through what you did. There are a lot of us here who can relate, because we had pretty bad childhoods, as well. That said, I hope that you’re able to find the help you need. Good luck.

Call the cops, or speak with a trusted someone. (Like your crush lol)

@CWOTUS I remember being in diapers, having something important to say to my mother, and she could not understand me (because of my poor diction). She kept saying, “I’m so sorry, I can’t understand you!”

So it’s very possible that the OP can actually remember back that far.

@wsxwh111 but I do agree that we can’t really help you. Maybe a therapist could actually help you figure out what the details are, and my guess is that this journey will take a long time.

However, please stay! We can support you in other ways.

I’m confused a bit now. This is the mother who had the cancer scare whom you say you love and who accepted your gayness? Do you remember any later times of her being abusive? What has been the general tenor of your relationship with her? Not doubting your memory, just need some context. Also, what is the prevailing culture in China about hitting children?

You definitely need to seek out a therapist. You do not say whether you still live there and the beatings continue. If so, you need to get away right now. I would advise having no contact at all with your mother for a while until you have had time to process through therapy all of the feelings that you have stuffed inside (feelings never actually go away until you go through them).

Please take care of yourself. You might benefit from a book on abusive parents. Here is one title I would recommend.

Many of us have crappy childhoods, some worse than others. I’m emotionally stunted to protect myself & I’m ok.

Thanks@all guys&girls here:)
You are right, a therapist may be help, I‘ll think about that.
@janbb I guess my mom is one of the so-called “controlling people”
She thinks she loves me, and I think so, too.
About the prevailing culture in China, so sad and furious that the most part of people still think “Hitting children is okay” or “Everyone hits his children”. I saw a professor of a university posted “Hitting your child is okay, just don’t do it too much” when I searched “Is hitting children okay”
I think if I don’t have this past, maybe I would be brainwashed by this saying, too…