What does it feel like to be a widow after 40 years of marriage?

Good question. My uncle lived for more than 30 years after his wife died after about 20 years of marriage. Unfortunately, I wasn’t very close at the time, geographically or in terms of routine communication, so I don’t know what the process was for him. I do know that his twin daughters stayed local and in constant communication / companionship (one eventually moved back into his home with him after her marriage – which worked out surprisingly well), and I’m sure that assisted his grieving and recovery greatly.

I’m sorry for your loss, if I hadn’t said that before. Good luck to you and your dad.

My dads wife died way before him. I didn’t know him well all my life, but I was the only one available to go live with him and take care of him. It was fun, I got to know him, we had some great times, we were real buddies. I found out things about his wartime service (and captivity) that I did not know. It was really hard too, because it was a huge house on a large rural property. When we finally got him moved back to town, I was there all the time, taking him out for drives, food,(one of his few last pleasures), and we’d have have a drink. Sadly he passed away when I moved away to be with my children. I still really miss him and feel kind of bad.

And there’s my sister. I’ll bet when he goes she’ll dance on his grave in a red dress.—I beg your pardon if this seems insensitive in your time of grief—

I have a little experience, and it didn’t end well. My uncle was widowed, and my cousin found his body hanging in the closet less than two years later; he couldn’t cope with the loss, so he took his own life.

Your father needs you. He may not want to deal with anyone so he can grieve alone, but knowing someone still cares may be the only thing keeping him going. Hopefully he’s a stronger man than my uncle, but even if he isn’t the type to end himself, he’ll be happy to have some company.

When my grandmother died, my aunt moved in with my grandfather. It was helpful to her (relocating from another state) and helpful to him in that she helped clean and cook and keep him company. My grandfather was about 69 then, and he lived until 86. She moved out after about 5 years. He also had a two family house and had his other daughter in the apartment upstairs at one point, so she helped check on him and make sure he had what he needed.

How far away does your Dad live from you?

It depends on the man, his stability with himself and life, and also how well he can handle household chores himself. Some men just flat out die when they lose their wife after a lifetime together. Some men pull it together and make some choices, like do they want to stay where they lived with their wife, or move to a retirement community. Sometimes couples make that decision together, so when one is left alone, they don’t have to feel helpless and alone. I have known a couple of widowers who just passed away soon after their beloved with no medical cause other than they just felt done. I have met many who are lonely, and suffer with wanting to be more, or do more, or just be gone, but they don’t want to be over.
As @jerv said, don’t let him be alone.
When I came to Fluther, I was feeling lonely, and sought advice. I got lots of very good advice, but, being lonely doesn’t get helped much by things like bowling with the girls, and lunches with the girls. At home, in the evening, when I am home, and alone, and nobody walks in all muddy saying, “Mom, I need these pants for school tomorrow.”, that is when I feel it. Those are the times a widower is going to feel it.
If your Dad takes up with a lady right away, don’t be upset with him. That often happens when oder folks find themselves all alone and unable to cope with an entire night of nobody talking, nobody else brushing their teeth, nobody laughing at the same stuff on tv.
If you can stay overnight from time to time, or for a while, that would probably be great. If not, then the best timed phone calls would likely be just before he gets ready for bed, and/or right after he should be getting up.
That is when the emptiness tends to hit the hardest.

My father died in 2007, after my parents had been married 60 years. My mother had watched his health decline over the previous four or so years, and after five weeks in ICU she signed off on no more dialysis, which gave him a week tops to live. He passed after four days.

My mother has always maintained a network of friends, and now being on her own she needed to get herself around independently. In some ways it reinvigorated her. But she did tell me a few years ago she missed my dad every day. And it is hard now, as her 91st birthday approaches, because not many friends are left and she has lost mobility.

What worked a lot for my mom was a strong knowledge that her life was separate from my dad’s, even though she missed him. She was in a living situation where she had control over her day to day life.

Control is a big deal. Your dad needs relationships, but not dependence. Assistance from you is one thing; having to rely on you solely is a lot different.

@zenvelo makes a great point about needing relationships/friendships in his life. I am not sure where he lives but getting him involved in groups in the community is important. The church and the local council on aging/senior center are great places to start. Much depends on what your dad likes to do socially but if he will get involved in something socially it will give him both companionship and something to look forward to each day.

If he needs assistance in daily living activities consider Visiting Angels. If he has medical issues please consider a personal medical alert system for him. http://medical-alert-systems-review.toptenreviews.com/

Good luck and thank you for stepping up and doing this.

Mother died in 1991 when Father was 76. I lived over a thousand miles away and had a business, so moving to his state was not possible. After spending a few weeks with him, I returned home. Afterwards we communicated by phone every Sunday.

He had been an auto mechanic for a quarter of a century before he retired and was interested in science and related subjects. I purchased two identical computer systems and sent one to him, helping him by phone learn how to use it and work out any problems he had with his computer; since we had the same equipment, I was able to identify and resolve any difficulties he was having.

My business was servicing A/V equipment for schools in five counties, so I could visit with him for a week or so every summer. He also visited with my wife and me several times over the years before his death. Though he had a bad heart, he lived eight years after Mother’s death. We had not been close before she died, but we became the best of friends afterwards.

I am sure that you are still grieving your mother’s death and that your concerns about your father’s isolation are making it difficult for you to deal with it. Keep in frequent contact with him by phone and letters, and when possible try to visit. This will help him to work through the stages of grief. It will also help you.

It took at least two years before my mother and my mother-in-law bounced back from their loss and assumed their own identities and interests. My grandfather lived 20 years after my grandmother died. I would stay in close contact for now. Does he have a community? A senior center? A church? He needs that.

Ever since my grandmother died, my grandfather has not been the same. I understand what he’s going through, but certainly don’t feel it as much as he does. It’s really sad, though, to see such a change in him. Once she left, he all of a sudden became sick, his body has been giving out on him, and he barely eats. He never seems to want to do much anymore. Granted, he is old. His children take turns visiting him to keep him company because he gets very lonely.

@jonsblond I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m sure your father was devastated.

My concern for your father would be mostly social, especially If he is in good health, able and willing to live alone. If this is the case, I would ask him about his social circle. Does he have any friends he sees on a regular basis?

I have a friend who will turn 92 this year, lost his wife about 3 years ago. Up until last year, he lived on his own, and was even driving around town. He has a very active lifestyle for his age. I asked him how he stays so active, and he admitted to me that he was devastated when his wife passed, but he had a very active and concerned family and social circle. (He’s active in the senior programs in the community, and even goes dancing once a week. He and a friend went to Las Vegas for a week last summer.

I agree with what many have posted above. It is important for him to connect with others with whom he can relate, be it family, community senior center, religious organizations, etc. He needs you to stay in contact, and there will be times when you are both remembering your mother. Don’t be afraid of those times. Rejoice in her life, and help him to live his years to the fullest.

losing a spouse after so many years is sad and scary for the person left behind.I’m a few years away from being married 50 years.

my aunt recently lost her husband (my uncle) after being married for close to 60 years. the first year was really rough. she was lost without him. he was one of those husbands who did everything. she didn’t even know how to fill her car’s gas tank herself.

one of her daughters moved in with her. After six months my cousin moved back home. My aunt lives in a senior condo complex in Florida. My cousin just got tired of being around elderly people constantly.

anyway for a almost a year now my aunt has lived on her own and is doing better than anyone expected. she joined clubs, has friends, gets her hair done every week and is active in the condo. she even learned how to pump gas. :)
Everyone is impressed at how she turned her life around. She still misses her husband but now she can talk about him and not cry.

@BeenThereSaidThat I kept hoping that my grandfather would turn around like how your aunt did. It’s been a few years, though, and not much has changed. I still don’t talk about my grandmother with with my grandfather. I don’t know how it will make him feel.

@dxs I have heard from other people that men seem to have a more difficult time with the loss of their wife. women seem to bounce back faster I think.

I don’t have any anecdotes of relatives to convey, but I work with many elderly patients and have found that each of them deals with the loss differently – regardless of their gender or the gender of their spouse (I had an elderly patient who was in a same-sex partnership for decades recently lose their beloved). Those who were wrapped up in or dependent on the relationship had a much tougher time coming out of grief, but those who maintained a more pragmatic attitude about life and maintained their own identity, as @zenvelo mentioned, managed to move on eventually.

Of course each person is different, and their inherent temperaments, and where they are on the introversion/extroversion scale, etc. will also factor greatly in how a person handles singledom after being coupled for so long. Some are happy living solitary lives, so having a network of friends or family isn’t always necessary if the person is not outgoing in nature. Some of my patients are insulted by their kids being overbearing in checking-in on them as if they were helpless, but others really rely on having someone in frequent communication.

You know your dad better than we do, so consider who he is as an individual when addressing your concerns with him. You might see what senior activities or volunteering opportunities are available in his community just to give him some suggestions of things he can do outside of his home.

My mother slipped into dementia at an accelerated rate (or maybe dad had just been covering for her) but I don’t think so. So, not really fair to say, she slips from being convinced he ran off with another woman to ‘Oh God I miss him so much”.
My aunt died last year and I think if it wasn’t for the support of his children my uncle would have been a basketcase by now. According to my cousin he was just lost, wandering the house alone, staring off into space while sitting in a chair, not eating, not wanting to go out or do anything. He still breaks down from time to time but overall is doing better. The other thing is that he is no longer afraid of dying, looking at it as a way to resolve his loneliness.

Hi everyone. I want to thank you for your personal stories and advice. I’ve been reading your answers throughout the day but I haven’t had a chance to respond. Please know I appreciate every response and I hope to reply to your answers over the weekend.

@janbb It’s a 60 to 70 minute drive to his place.