Can you please help me determine whether I did something terrible in neglecting my friend, or is she being overly sensitive?

You aren’t going to like my answer, but you dropped the ball on this one. Your “best friend” lost her husband and you were too busy trick or treating and couldn’t find 5 minutes to see how she was doing? You weren’t being a good friend.

@chyna: I do like your answer, because I want honesty and so I am prepared for whatever I hear.

@jca Yeah, I agree with chyna. Her life was ripped apart, a few minutes of personal contact was in order at the least..

Your friend is still grieving the loss of her husband, of course, she is sensitive and of course she needs other people to lean on. She needed you to be there for her and apparently you weren’t.

I agree with the others. If you want to fix things, be the friend she needs right now. Step up and be there for her. I know it’s hard when things get busy, but sometimes we all need to take a moment to step back and look at the big picture and not just the task lists in front of us.

I agree, If you want to save the friendship you need to make sincere amends. What you did was understandable, I have neglected important actions at times too, but it was not what was needed.

You were clearly in the wrong. The excessive excuses you rattled off makes me think that you know you were in the wrong and are trying to logically find a way not to feel guilty. “I’ve been so busy” is a sorry excuse. A phone call does not take up hours of your day. You had a friend in need and you weren’t there for her. Of course she’s sensitive and depressed, but that doesn’t excuse your actions (or lack of action in this case). You’re human, so you’re allowed to make mistakes. That doesn’t mean she’ll forgive you, but my advice is to cool it on the excuses and offer a sincere apology, acknowledging that you were the one that was wrong here.

If you wanted to help your friend you would have. You make time for what is important to you, over everything else.

Maybe you don’t feel her or her friendship is worth taking 5 minutes out of your day to call your friend. Just sayin’.

How about we go easy on jca for a bit and give her ideas to fix this? Some of you have, but she has to try to fix this if she want’s to save the friendship.

“Am I wrong for not calling?”
YES

”...one of what I consider my two best friends” husband of, what, 30 years, dies, and you were too busy ”trick or treating” to drop her a line?

The fact that you didn’t contact her was the injury, too busy ‘trick or treating’ was the insult.”

I think, if you value her friendship, you should come clean. “I’m sorry. I thought you were more at peace with “____’s” death than you were.”

If you liked/loved the husband, insert eulogy here.
If you didn’t find him an asshole, insert eulogy here
If he was an asshole, skip the eulogy.

Maybe you were upset by his death? Intimations of immortality.

Look at your response, then respond.

I wasn’t too busy trick or treating. If you all got that impression, you’re reading it wrong or I didn’t explain it well. Let me reiterate: His funeral was the day before Halloween. The next night I was out trick or treating. The next day, at a party. That day after, something else. After the weekend, that next day, Monday, I went on vacation for a week. I returned and then had the holiday off, Veterans’ Day, the 11th. I texted her to ask how she was doing. She said she is ok but has not been sleeping well. She said the doctor prescribed Xanax to help her sleep. When I returned to work, my coworker told me she called him with a work issue. I emailed her a response (as it was hectic at work with me being out over a week) and she responded. I did not respond to that. That was last Wednesday, a week and a half ago.

I would not say you did wrong, so much as went scatterbrained. You allowed things to distract you. Maybe you have some issues about dealing with death, or even just unpleasant subjects all together. Some part of you was not ready to deal with helping a friend deal with trauma. It happened, and now she is sad. She was sad already, she has lost her husband.
Trick or treating. You might have made her home your last stop, then you could have stayed for a bit, listen to her complain, cry, or whatever she needed to unload for a bit. That didn’t happen.
I can see a few other openings where you might have given her ten minutes, that didn’t happen either.
Hurt can be magnified when the obvious silence comes in place of moments you thought people you love would reach out, and instead they don’t. I have had it happen to me, and I try to remind myself that they have lives, and those lives don’t center on my problems. It does not ease the pain one bit. It does help me focus a little, but they pain is magnified by not hearing from those I would expect to be supportive.
You will need to make some special gesture to mend what is torn and bleeding.
Perhaps a basket of goodies, baked things/fruit. Something special that for at least two or three days she will have a reminder on hand that you care. Bring it to her home in person. Don’t have plans to do something soon after, leave a time slot open. Who knows? You may end up staying to watch a movie with her.
When you show up, have things ready to say. Don’t depend on the moment to bring you words. Think in advance of a few things you might say.
Don’t do this as a surprise. Tell her you would like to stop by for a visit, and when would be good for her
If this friend is special, then give her special. Don’t try to cram time with her between thi, and that. Clear some minutes, and give her time with a friend..

If she’s your best friend, I don’t think anything should have been more important than you picking up the phone to talk to her. If she’s within driving distance, I’d have gone to see her. The most important person in her life just died. Her best friend didn’t call her. Even if he’s been sick for a year so his death may have been expected, it doesn’t take the hurt and devastation away. I can’t really see how any of the things you ended up doing could be considered more important than being in touch with her and being part of her support network.

In my opinion, someone you see socially three times a year is not a “best friend”, no matter how much time you spend texting or emailing her.

You seem genuinely to want to fix this, so I don’t think that it’s an irreparable situation. But it does require a regular commitment of time on your part. There simply isn’t another way to maintain a close friendship.

@jca So you’re saying that Halloween went first, then the funeral, and then the party?

@Mimishu1995: The funeral was the day before Halloween. I took a day off work to attend the funeral. That was a Thursday. Then Halloween was Friday. Then it was weekend, (party, packing for trip), then Monday I was off to Florida till the following Monday the 10th. Then Tuesday was Veterans’ Day holiday, where she and I texted. Then I emailed her when I returned to work Wednesday, and she responded, and I didn’t respond to that. That was a week and a half ago, and then I emailed her yesterday to say I haven’t heard from you, how are you doing, and she responded as I wrote above.

@jca It sounds to me as if you are saying that because she had texted you, she couldn’t have been mad at you yet. Is that the case?

Rather, I think that she was mad at you the whole time, and it hadn’t got to the point where she felt she had to say something to you about it. She feels that you have been neglecting her – perhaps for longer than just since her husband died.

Edited

@jca in that case you had already attended the funeral before Halloween. But during Halloween (and the party and the like after that), why didn’t you spend a little time with her, or at least text her?

You attended the funeral. That’s good but not enough. She was in horrible pain and still needed some more compassion. And it seemed that you were a trusted one for her to turn to. If you really cared for her, you should have come and comfort her during that time.

Not trying to pile on here and hope you and your friend work it out. Maybe stop explaining and just say you’re sorry, then ask what you can do to make it right?

We have a concept around my house called “grandma busy” which means you can only handle one thing a day. Grandma doesn’t want to schedule our visit and her haircut on the same day, or have more than one thing she has to leave the house for each day. She’s 96, that’s cool.

For everyone under 96, saying you have one thing a day, so you were too busy, isn’t really legitimate. If my wife tells me I’m acting “grandma busy” it means I either need to come clean that I don’t want to do something, or tell her why something is harder than expected.

@dappled_leaves: She and I were speaking on the phone a lot before he died, and she was at the hospital with other relatives keeping a vigil.

@Mimishu1995: During Halloween, after work I went trick or treating with my 7 year old in my parents’ neighborhood, which is about a 45 minute drive from my friend’s house. The next day, my coworker had a party for her son attaining an achievement, and that was about an hour away (I drive a lot). After that, I went to buy stuff for my coming vacation which was two days away (Monday). It was just a hectic weekend with the boy scout party and then prepping for vacay.

@funkdaddy: I am a single parent of a young child, I have a one and a half to two hour total commute per day, my daughter’s father is deceased, and she is 7, so she needs lots of attention (you need to go pee pee now, you need to brush your teeth now, put your nightgown on now, let’s do homework now). That’s the reality of my life. I handle a lot of things every day – one of my friends was just saying when she hears that I’m at Walmart at 9 pm she thinks I’m crazy and doesn’t know how I do it. I’m always running.

@jca Then maybe you could have texted her the days after the funeral. It wouldn’t interrupted your activities while making sure that she could talk to you.

I think the main problem here is the fact that you didn’t reply to the email she sent you while you were at work. You should have told her that you would be busy for some time and might not be able to contact her, through the texts you sent while you were partying.

@jca – As kindly as possible, with the understanding that I think you might be missing something key about your friend’s reaction.

I understand, I have a two year old and run my own business, my wife is pregnant and throwing up all day. The thing is, everyone’s life is like that, except your friend’s, who just had her life flipped over completely and doesn’t know where to go from here.

Your explanation to her is basically that your life has been busy with
1) halloween
2) party
3) holiday
4) vacation

While hers has been busy with
1) The death of her husband
2) grieving
3) wrapping up details like providing death certificates and paying funeral expenses in a world that just wants to treat the death of her husband as another phone call or piece of paperwork they need to get off of their desk by 5pm
4) trying to figure out where to go from here

So your explanation that you had a lot of fun things planned isn’t going to ring true to her. You didn’t know it was a problem for her until she said something, that’s normal. What I’m saying is stop trying to explain because nothing will be adequate.

Or imagine it the other way around.

Go easy guys. Dealing with death on any level sucks. I would love to ignore it till it’s my own.

@Adirondackwannabe Yeah, I know it sucks. But since it’s her friend who is dealing with it she has to do something to ease the suffering a bit.

@jca Anyway, right now she’s furious at you so the first thing you have to do to save the relationship is cool her down. Forget all the reasoning, forget who’s right and who’s wrong, just apologize to her and take all the blame to yourself in front of her. Later when she cools down you may talk about the right and wrong.

Somtimes it’s better to just make the other happy first, no matter how right or wrong they are.

@Adirondackwannabe, I don’t think anyone is trying to be harsh to @jca. She wants honest answers. Sugar coating our truth won’t help her. I don’t think anyone has intentionally been hurtful here. The message may hurt, but the intention behind the posts isn’t meant to. I know I like @jca and I’m pretty sure she wants people to tell her the truth so she can find a way to resolve this situation with her friend.

I stopped reading after “the next night I was out trick or treating”.

I would say you could have handled it better, but if you were my friend I wouldn’t hold it against you in any way assuming I had other people around supporting me like family and other friends. One stage of grieving is anger, and you became an easy target when you didn’t meet her expectations. She could have reached out to you again. It doesn’t sound like the emails you had back and forth necessarily needed a reply from you, except that in her situation she hoped you would be in better contact and ask her how she was doing more in depth.

I always say a lot of people rush in immediately when stuff like this happens, but it is the months afterwards that get very lonely. She will still be grieving for a long time I would assume, and there might be opportunity to still patch things up.

If she is the type that has all sorts of rules about how people should act then you might be screwed.

You are at that stage with your child and working that most moms have little time for other people. That might sound harsh, but that has been my experience with my peers. If they have children under 14 they don’t have the time, or are so absorbed in the needs of their family, that it is hard for them to be there for people outside of their immediate family. I’m sure I would be the same, it isn’t a criticism, more an observation that I have come to accept.

I do think in times of crisis like this, if you can muster the strength to be there to support someone, it goes a long way. I don’t expect it, but I appreciate it and notice it when someone does it for me.

Maybe this is fixable, maybe not. Right now she’s not normally, socially, rational and everything is scraping on her nerves and feelings and at the same time she’s numb with grief.

I would recommend that you hand write a letter. Think it out carefully. Include a sincerely felt apology, admit that you dropped the ball on this one, but don’t give reasons (which would likely be read as excuses). Whether or not you feel you did, it’s more important to be mindful of her feelings right now than to be right.

Include a nice memory of her husband, if you knew him, or a memory of a nice or funny thing she told you about him if you didn’t know him. Reiterate that you want to be there for her, and that you sincerely hope that you guys can get past this because you value her so much.

Never underestimate the power of a well-written letter, especially one she can sit in her chair (not at a screen) and reread.

We all have moments where we miss our cue sometimes, I know there was no callous intent.
I hope you can fix this, I wish you the best.
Good luck!

And, Update Lady, if you feel like it, please let us know if you could save the friendship.

@FutureMemory: Halloween was the day after the funeral, which I took the day off to attend. Calling her on Halloween is not the issue. It’s the time lapse between then and now.

@all – she did call my house phone yesterday and I was out. I pm’d her on FB this morning and said “I’m going to call you later whether you like it or not LOL. I’m going to a Thanksgiving event at the school and I know you are going to church so i will call you this afternoon.”

I“d call her now except she tends to sleep late – whenever I consider calling her in the morning, when I am waking up and drinking coffee, I know she’s not – she’s sleeping till around 11.

Will update from the Update Lady!

Sounds like there is some improvement. Keep it up @jca, try to comfort her.

And don’t forget to tell her if you plan to be busy.

Sounds good. I hate to hear one mistake in years of a friendship can dismantle it. I think it’s so unfair when people do that. We all make mistakes.

@dappled_leaves: I’m not sure how old you are, but I am in my late 40’s. As I get older and am busy with work and family, and my friends are doing the same we don’t see each other that often (face to face meet ups). I am willing to bet the other people on here that are close in age to myself are the same way. Friends with people for decades, yet may actually see each other a few times a year. It’s an interesting thought for debate, maybe an interesting question to post later (now I am running out at 10:00 on a Sunday to take my daughter to school for a Thanksgiving event – did I mention I am always running?) I don’t think that seeing someone infrequently disqualifies them for bff status.

FWIW, I royally suck at offering condolences and have a good friend right now who I haven’t spoken to since his dad died a couple of years ago. I did send a letter some time after, but I don’t think it expressed very well my regrets.

My late ex-girlfriend’s mom was glad to talk to me a few years after her death, so I was fortunate in that case.

I just suck at it, and I try not to, but that’s how things flow.

@kevbo You can practice a sentence that is honest and caring. “I’m so sorry for your loss – I don’t quite know what to say. How are you feeling?”

Or something like, “Joe was always such a help to me when he listened to my…” or whatever particular memory the person has for you.

It is something that can be learned; most of us don’t come to it naturally.

@janbb, thanks for that. I will work on it.

It sounds like a very good plan!

it took me a bit to understand some of the concerns here, probably because I was pretty much in your shoes for awhile. What you didn’t add, @jca, were the words ” with a young child” which increases the prep and effort for all things exponentially.

It’s not just that @jca was doing “fun” things, she was doing things with and for a young child.. Trick or treating with a young child, Weekend activities with a young child. Prepping for and taking a vacation with a young child. It takes up an enormous amount of attention and effort.

I can see how things can slip by.

@jca Everyone is busy – these are the times we live in. I know what it is to be always running; probably that phrase applies to many of us posting on this thread. This is not a competition, but since you ask, I am also in my mid-40s, working on a PhD in a challenging field, and working to support myself. I also consciously make time to maintain my close friendships.

I’m glad you are trying to patch things up, and I hope it goes well. But if you value this friendship, I think you should take this incident as a bit of a wake-up call. And if it were me, I would ask her directly whether she has been missing personal contact over a longer period, because I would care what she felt about that.

This has nothing to do with age. As @dappled_leaves said, everyone is busy. You can’t seriously expect anyone to believe that you literally don’t have 5 free minutes in your day/week to give a grieving friend a call.

I’m bad at keeping in touch with people. I am busy, sure, but I’m enough of an adult to admit that I do have time to call people, like my grandmother, every so often, but I don’t. I hate talking on the phone and, yeah, I can be selfish. I feel guilty for not calling, as I should, but I still haven’t gotten better about keeping in touch.

So like I said, cool it with the excuses. They’re BS. You messed up, so stop trying to convince everyone that you didn’t.

She could have called. People who have no kids also can have obligations that keep them running.

Still, the point in my mind is, should her girlfriend hold a grudge about it? No. Her girlfriend has made her own screw ups, because she also is old enough to have regrets about things and doesn’t want it held over her head.

@JLeslie “Still, the point in my mind is, should her girlfriend hold a grudge about it?”

That’s not for us to decide.

I do fall into the camp that says no matter how busy we are, if we care about our friends we will find five minutes to call a bereaved friend. It didn’t need to be a long call. Just a call to say, I’m flat out with xxx but if you need me, call, send a text and I’ll get back to you. You’re going to be busy for the next few weeks, but can we get together after that? I totally agree with @JLeslie that in the first few weeks after we lose a loved one, people are there for us, they’re attentive and caring and then they return to their own lives. This gives you a perfect opportunity to make up for your lapse @jca. Make that contact, but in the weeks and months that follow, try to be more available. Even if it’s only on the phone. She’s going to have some huge gaps in her life. Possibly to suffer depression. She will need her best friends to call on. Invite her over to do things with you. If you have to go shopping, ask if she wants to join you? If you’re going trick or treating, see if she wants to come along.

I really do hope it works out. You’re friend will quite likely need you in her corner for a good couple of years at least.

^Good advice @Earthbound_Misfit. Also, with the holidays coming up, she will be more depressed going through the first Thanksgiving without her spouse, the first Christmas without her spouse. Call and invite her over if you can swing it or if you have too much going on, take a piece of pie over to her later on or just call.

@livelaughlove21 I’m not deciding, but I think we don’t need to pile on @jca like she did something so horrible it’s unforgivable. If her friend holds it against her a long time, which it doesn’t sound like she is going to, then she is wrong too IMO.

Not everyone above was hard on the OP, but things like, I stopped reading after the OP said she took her daughter trick or treating, and ignoring the OP took a day off of work for the funeral, is extreme to me.

I’ve been watching this unfold. I think she gets the picture. She genuinely feels bad. Let us know how it goes, @jca.

Sssh! Quiet down everybody! She’s on the phone. Let’s let them talk.

I have cousins and half-sisters who haven’t asked how I was doing since my mother passed away last December. I still love them, but I hold a grudge. I would be asking how they are doing if they lost a parent.

@jca Just apologize without excuses. A plain old “I’m sorry” goes a long way.

Thank you @canidmajor and @JLeslie for being understanding that with a small child, things are a bit different and many people who have never had children don’t have a clue what it’s like, as far as needing to be tended to, and being a single parent makes things doubly busy. Another mom that I spoke to at the school event today was understanding, as she gets what it’s like.

@JLeslie made a good point and appreciated point that I did take the day off to attend the funeral which nobody seemed to acknowledge, and things like “I stopped reading after the OP said the next night she took her daughter trick or treating.” She is 7 years old. Am I supposed to not take her trick or treating? This was the day after I took a day off work for the funeral. Advice is helpful but it does seem like in some instances people did not read what I wrote, or chose to ignore parts of it.

Update from the Update Lady: I called my friend this evening and we spoke for 45 minutes and it’s fine. She was very talkative and did not sound mad at all. I apologized. I said it was wrong of me and I’ve been neglecting her and I’m very sorry. She said ok and then she told me about how she is not sleeping much, has a lot of anxiety, is experiencing some health problems and is going to be going to a grief counselor to talk. We’re fine, it’s all fine, and I told her I would call her Wednesday or Thursday for Thanksgiving.

Oh, @jca, I’m so glad to hear this.

I wish for your friend healing and peace, and the fact you sounded so heartsick in your posts here indicates to me that she has a true and caring friend in you.

@jca Nice news. (And it was obvious you were concerned and wanted to remedy.)

I have a tear. I am glad for you it went so well.

@jca Good job. You did good. :)

* sigh * At lat, a happy ending :)

@jca I’m glad it turned out well!

FWIW, after reading this thread it bothered me the way people piled up on you. I don’t have kids, but I have siblings who are much younger and I do caretaking for elderly relatives. I can understand where you’re coming from.

It’s not just that you’re “always running.” Being responsible for another person is draining, in a way that’s completely different from the normal busyness of adult life. Especially if you are doing it by yourself. There is never a day off and being worried about their well-being is always at the back of your mind.

The snarky comments about trick-or-treating bothered me too. As a parent, you have to shield children from your adult problems. Looking back at my own childhood, I can see in hindsight how my parents protected my sister and I from the realities of adult life. On the surface it might sound like you’re doing things that are shallow and fun. But it’s not for you at all, it’s for your daughter, because that’s what you do for a child. Kids need to believe that everything is OK when they are young. They will have to learn about hardship eventually, but bit by bit, as they grow mature enough to handle it. One of the greatest responsibilities of parenthood is getting that balance right.

When you work full-time and watch out for another person, it’s easy to let those responsibilities crowd out everything else, because they are so demanding. Anything aside from the main responsibilities gets pushed to the side- especially if it’s something big or difficult, or involves helping someone. By the time my day is done, I’m usually too exhausted to do anything but sit on the couch and veg out. Everything “else” gets put off until my off day, when I have the mental stamina to deal with it. It sounds you didn’t truly have a day like that until veteran’s day, when you got in touch with your friend.

Here’s the other thing I don’t get. When my friends and I are having tough times, we don’t wait for someone to reach out to us, and get upset if they don’t. Once you’ve known someone long enough, why make people jump through hoops? When they have problems, they just call me, and vice versa.

Not calling her for three weeks wasn’t the best, but you went to the funeral. From the sounds of it, you did the right things to repair the relationship.

This question seemed to be genuinely seeking advice, and the response was totally out of proportion. There was a lot of criticism, not much in the way of helpful suggestions. My mom died when I was 15, and one of my friends died last winter at age 27. So I also understand what it’s like to be in the friend’s shoes. However, your friend is an adult and your daughter isn’t. You are responsible for your daughter; your friend is responsible for herself.

Honestly, it reminds me of the way fluther gangs up on people with relationship questions. Why do we put people down like this? It doesn’t help the outcome, and it just makes the asker feel like crap. If you want to tell someone they’ve done wrong- ok, that’s legit, but why not do it kindly and with compassion? They’ll be more likely to take the advice to heart. One or two times is probably enough for the message to sink in. It doesn’t take a whole thread of answers for someone to realize they’ve fucked up. Losing a close friend is upsetting in its own right, and to me that’s where this question seemed to be coming from.

When you’re dealing with other people, you can choose to make someone’s day better or make it worse. Why make it worse?

Yes, when I read back on the thread, there’s some unjustified shit up there, IMHO. I keep going back to the one where I was wrong for taking the daughter trick or treating the day after the funeral that I took a day off work to attend. I can’t figure that one out and I haven’t heard back from @FutureMemory on the logic of his statement. I would love to know. Thank you, @Haleth.

@jca That’s why I suggested you text her during your trick-and-treat and the like so that you could manage both the trick-and-treat and the comforting. I don’t know anything about your family but I think that’s the solution if you want to manage both sides.

Life goes on. I mean, you can’t deny a 7 year old the chance to trick-or-treat because somebody they didn’t even know died.

It seems that this person has made some rather staggering assumptions as to your motives, a common occurrence today. I would point out to my friend that they are indeed drawing conclusions or assuming motives that are inaccurate. However, if they are so inclined as to decide for them self that our relationship MUST change to that which they envision, I cannot stop them from choosing their behavior. I would then say that I have no intentions of changing our relationship in the slightest, but if you refuse my calls, I’ll understand that decision… they are one of my closest friends after all.

I would then return to my normal proceedings to allow that person to sort through their emotions, a task which is their responsibility, not mine.

At some point I would think to call or send an email as normal, and I would do so as if nothing happened and await a response. I would then take the response into consideration and decide whether I needed to change my actions, or simply continue our relationship as it slowly mended.

“It seems that this person has made some rather staggering assumptions as to your motives, a common occurrence…” especially on Fluther!