Would you tell your adult niece or nephew the truth about the family?

How old are they? I think that’s the main issue. If they’re adults and you believe they have a distorted view of their father, I think it’s fair to tell them that. I also wouldn’t tell your MIL. At her age, I’d guess she’s highly unlikely to accept the information anyway. Whether the children do will depend on how you frame your response. It’s pretty sad if they are very negative towards their father. Perhaps you giving your honest opinion might allow them to at least consider a better relationship with him.

Do they not see him at all? I mean if they’re exposed to him at all, they can make up their own mind, right?

If he’s completely separated for whatever reason, I don’t think this is your place necessarily, unless they seek you out for advice. The most I would say is something along the lines of “Your dad isn’t all bad, if you ever want to talk about him let me know”. They need to make the decision.

I have a nephew who just started college. For most of his childhood his dad was completely out of the picture. I used to pick him up from school one day a week and just go do something fun, or just hang out. He just needed an adult to be interested other than his grandmother.

His mom makes decisions for him that absolutely infuriate me. I made it a point early on to never badmouth his mom or dad in front of him. I didn’t want my opinions to color his view of either of them. Those are his relationships and they’re way more important to his life than they are to mine. We talk about quite a bit and he’d ask questions about things related to his family, I’d always try to ask how he felt about it, make it about him, and then help him work through whatever the question was about.

Now that he’s on his own, he’s got a pretty good grip on the situation. He didn’t need me to tell him anything and he really didn’t need me to take the opportunity to vent how much his mother bothers me, or that his dad essentially disappeared.

I understand your situation is different because you’d be sharing the father’s good side, and these things are a lot more complicated than we can type out here in a few paragraphs, but maybe just make yourself available rather than inserting yourself into an already complicated relationship that they’ll probably figure out when they’re ready anyway.

It’s great that you care, so please don’t take any of this as negative. Just one more opinion.

I probably wouldn’t refute the things said by your MIL and that side, because I wouldn’t want to set up an oppositional stance. I might, when the opportunity presents itself and when I was with the adult kids alone, just emphasize the positive things their dad has done for them, things that seem to be overlooked. “You know, your dad really loves you guys and he does what he can. He did this, this and that, and those are great things.” Something like that. Or I might decide to say nothing. I definitely wouldn’t want to be up against the whole other side of the family if I were you, pissing them off. It seems to have few positives and lots of negatives if you do that.

Always be honest in dealings with the kids, but never go out of your way to “expose the truth”.

You don’t say how old the kids are, but even little kids will learn the truth as they get older. One thing I have learned going through my own divorce and with friends going through theirs, is the kids learn to compare what is said against what is demonstrated behavior. If the kids are told their dad does things and the people telling them do that very thing, they will learn not to trust the person criticizing their dad.

And kids will also pick up if someone is critical of their dad. If one criticizes a father, it is a criticism of the child, because the child knows that they are half from their father.

So my advice would be let the kids learn on their own, and encourage them to have their own relationship with their dad. But let them learn the positives and negatives of their dad on their own; don’t take any sides at all.

I stay out of family drama. Always.

Thanks for the answers so far.

The family is not lying about anything the dad does. My problem with the situation is their interpretation if what he does and worse that they do the same themselves, but much if what they do is hidden from the kids. The reason it is hidden is because the things have happened among the adults in the family or when the mom was a child herself.

I’ll give you an example. Their dad said he was going to buy a house or condo here for the kids to live in (they are 19 and 22) and were in school at the time. He said when he comes into town he would stay there with his girlfriend (which is the girl he was screwing when their mom finally left, but that was over ten years ago). My MIL thinks it’s awful that he says he is buying them a house and then says he is going to stay there when in town. Me, being the American peasant that I am, would never expect my patents to buy me a condo where they can’t stay if their in town. It’s their condo.

The irony, when my husband and I got married my husband was living in a condo his parents bought for him to live in while he went to school. When his mom would visit, sometimes for two months, she always stayed there. Moreover, when we married they said they were going to give if to us as a gift (nothing I would ever expect) and eventually I found out they one, were broke, my husband had been paying the mortgage for months and other things got them and his mom said at one point she was uncomfortable letting the house go, and two, his dad told me he wasn’t going to change the name in the property, that it doesn’t matter since his son has the same name.

So, why is their dad so different?

Sounds to me like the dad isn’t so different, and is acting in the same manner as your in-laws, just with different nuance.

Thanks for teh added clarification; if I were you I would stay completely out of it.

Yes, but cloak it with the words that these are your observations, which is all you can tell them.

I was trying to think why do I want to tell them? I do have my own annoyance about how the family portrays some of the things I do, I have to admit that up front.

I worry the children will repeat the negative things in their life as adults. It’s not uncommon for people to do that, and I think the more aware we are the more likely we can seek what we really want. Their mom wound up marrying someone much like her father, but she is seemingly completely unaware of it.

I think they are completely unrealistic, and this bothers me too. The family thinks the dad doesn’t love the kids because he won’t pay for their total education and won’t pay for them to live in their own apartment. That is ridiculous to me. That message upsets me a lot.

I also would like to clue them in that their dad has a temper, but the way to handle it is to communicate with him. I feel pretty sure he gets really frustrated dealing with an ex wife and kids who are silent treatment oriented. That would only make his temper worse. I come from a family of hot rush heads and there is nothing worse than the silent treatment for us. Neither extreme is good.

There is more, but I won’t go in too much.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Keep out of it. They are not your kids.

So, if I’m getting this straight, his parents kept their name on the deed of the house? Then they didn’t “buy you” a house. They bought themselves a house, and allowed you guys to use it.

Anyway, this kind of mud-slinging is unfortunately very typical in families with divorce. It went on with my mother and father’s side of the family for years after their divorce. Now it’s happening again with my dad and his second wife as they divorce, and their kids together.

Going on and on about how bad someone is makes them look like the crazy ones. Here’s an example. My sister has been overseas in the air force, so she hasn’t met my dad’s new girlfriend yet. During her last visit home, she was staying with my dad’s ex wife and our little brother and sister (ages 12 and 14.) When I saw my sister, she was worried for the kids. She had heard that the new girlfriend had “three big, scary dogs” at her house. Her dogs are actually puggles. They’re neurotic little dogs with worried old man faces, about knee high. When my sister heard that she just rolled her eyes and said, “Sue says shit like that all the time.”

@JLeslie The difference in your two situations is that their dad wants to have his girlfriend at the condo. It sounds like your side of the family is still bitter about her being in the picture.

Anyway, at 19 and 22 they should be old enough to figure out the realities of the situation on their own. I was probably around 10 when I started really noticing what my mom’s family was saying, and that it didn’t match my dad’s actions. Later, in our early 20s, a couple of our relatives filled in missing facts from back then. But everything we learned was true to character with what we already knew about my mother’s folks. Some people on both sides have a nasty, petty, vindictive streak. Even later (late 20s now), we’ve forgiven our families and have good relationships with both sides.

Your niece and nephew are probably rolling their eyes at all this talk about their dad. I’m sure they know what’s going on. Buying someone a house or a condo is a big extra. Nobody expects something like that unless they’re insanely spoiled. So for their mom’s relatives to go on and on about how awful that is, is a pretty warped view of reality. If the girlfriend has been in the picture for 10 years, the niece and nephew must have a good relationship with her by now.

The whole situation will probably resolve itself on its own.

I totally agree with @zenvelo the example he offers up pertaining to divorce is an example I experienced as well. You don’t need to tell the kids anything, they will see and figure things out on their own eventually as they continue to mature. When I divorced it was really hard as my daughter saw her dad as the golden parent, the fun guy, the easy one, the one that didn’t enforce rules because he was highly invested in being the “friend” and “cool” dad. At 16 she wanted to live with him and I was devastated for a few years.

It didn’t take long for her to see the reality of a lot of her dads behaviors, she firsthand witnessed his deceptive and passive aggressive ways, and by the time she was 21 golden daddy was fairly well tarnished in her eyes. haha
Really, the best thing to do is nothing, people have a way of revealing themselves over time and if you force the issue you are more likely to create an atmosphere where they will feel the need to protect and defend their dads image. Give it time, as they say, time wounds all heels. lol

@Haleth. The thing is no, they don’t roll their eyes as much as you think. They think he is awful for not quickly coughing up the money for an expensive private college and they do think his temper makes him a bad person (I’m not defending his temper, it would be better if he weren’t so hot headed) and the kids think the grandparents have plenty if money and will always help out (I had to give them money just a few months ago, no one knows) and I could go on and on.

Mostly, I don’t want them to become such huge hypocrites themselves. We all have some hypocrisy and trouble seeing ourselves. Theirs is very extreme.

If you can’t make a positive impact, ignore it.

If your nieces/nephews are old enough to evaluate the comments you make, and you believe they’ve been misled about their father, then there is a positive in at least mentioning there’s another side to the story. I doubt you’re going to bag the rest of the family, or that you need to do that. And you’ve said you’re not going to create the situation. However, if the occasion rises where you do have an opportunity to try to present your different perspective, I think it’s fair to do that.

It’s not just about their father, it’s about realizing the bad about their father is also on the mother’s side. It’s about being realistic about their mom’s side, seeing it within themselves possibly, and being able to overcome or change it. I agree kids usually figure out what their parents are like on their own, but sometimes a relative gives insight when we are adults that is helpful. Not that I am pushing or sure or looking for support to say something to them, I appreciate the answers so far both for and against.

There is an update. I wound up having lunch with their mother yesterday. I didn’t know that was going to happen. It seems on Mondays sometimes she comes to her mother’s house for lunch or they meet up somewhere (I am staying with her mom; my MIL). It isn’t unusually for me not to know what the hell is going in with plans, which ironically is something they criticize about the father in question, but the mom does it too. I told my MIL Sunday I liked the idea of doing an art class her community was having Monday at 1: and she didn’t mention anything about her daughter sometimes comes for lunch Monday.

We had lunch, talked about all the catch up things, and she also told me some things about her ex. It wasn’t wierd that it came up, because her son had been living with him for a few months, and now was coming back home. The conversation was a mix of what does her son want to do next, and things her husband did that she felt were wrong while her son was living there. Then we stopped to buy a few things at a store.

On the way home she told me about how she taught her children not to clam up when they were upset, and I said a lot of her family does just that. Actually, she does it herself, but I didn’t have the guts to say that and give her the examples. She then told me about her son and how horrible his father was when her son said he wanted to leave and move back to the US. He basically was really angry, told the kid never to come back, that sort of thing. I think it’s horrible too. I said, “his dad is hurt and upset.” I continued, “you do see that you married someone who has a lot of the Her Maiden name characteristics.” I could feel the pause. She said, “my father would never say that to any of his kids.” I said, no, “but your mom would, pretty much no one moves out without her saying they are horrible how they announced and trying to pour on guilt and anger” She said, “that’s exactly what my son said. He said his dad acted just like his grandmother when he left her house. Another pause. I said, “I only say these things because I think you recreated your family in some ways by marrying him, that’s what most of us do when we get married. The more aware the more we are I think the better, and better for the kids too. Then she mentioned her daughter is starting to psychoanalyze everything (her daughter is studying psych in school. I had told the daughter when she chose that major that she would start diagnosing all of us. LOL).

It was all fine I think. As many of you said, the kids do see some of the patterns on both sides. I hope they see it in themselves if they have some of the characteristics.