@jca If you ever visit me you can treat my house like your home, go into the fridge, use my kitchen, and take a nap in the middle of the day if you want. I’m fine with planning some things during the day together, and the rest of free time doesn’t have to be spent together.
With my MIL it’s impossible for me to figure her out. We had a bad fight many years ago when I was putting my plate in the dishwasher and she literally took it out of my hands to put it in herself. My husband said just let her do everything. At the time I realized she had really grown to know and like me a couple years before that when we lived with them for three mnths and I had a back injury and she did everything. She cooked us all our meals, cleaned, did my laundry, she did everything.
For years after that I didn’t move to help her at all. Fast forward to the last few years and I can see she is more tired, getting older, and she has even voiced that it’s getting to be too much. So, now on the big dinners I just wash the dishes and help with the clearing even at her very insistent objections.
Three years ago, she laid down to rest leaving a lot of dirty dishes still to be washed, and many pots and pans and serving dishes and it was an easy opportunity for me to help without her pushing me away, because she fell asleep. I usually do the helping hidden from her while she is still mingling with guests, that sort of thing. Her son’s boyfriend joined me and we cleaned up the whole kitchen after Christmas dinner. It took over two hours with both of us working. She had already laid down to go to sleep as I mentioned, she didn’t know we were doing it all. The next morning when she woke I was siting on the sofa and my BiL was in the kitchen putting away the dishes we had washed overnight in the dishwasher. She gushed, “You cleaned everything.” He didn’t bother to say, JL and I did it.
Whatever.
She has told me many times how wonderful it is that her one son and his now husband help in the kicthen. WTF?! And, how her daghter second husband’s mother loved her daughter right away because her daughter helped clean up the first time she had dinner at her future MIL’s house.
Finally, last Christmas I said something about it to my BIL by marriage and he said our MIL used to always push him away from helping to, and now he just does whatever the hell he wants, because she is ridiculous about it.