Regarding unwanted attention from strangers, is it better to ignore them completely or politely decline their advances?

Politely decline. The reason I don’t hit on women now is because of those one or two women who ignored or impolitely declined me. It made me feel sub human that I was worth so little to them.

I thought this would be common sense to treat others with respect, but…whatever.

I think you’re better off to politely decline their attention. However, I’ve had situations where this has been the worst thing to do. I’ve been followed, after saying, not interested. I’ve had people continue to talk to me to try to persuade me to change my mind. So you have to try to read each situation and sometimes you’ll get it wrong.

I was walking up the street a few years ago and I was having a serious conversation with my mom on the phone (Not on a bluetooth, i mean I had my hand to my ear, obviously on the phone), and as I was walking past an apartment building some guy tried to say hi to me. I nodded my head in acknowledgement but he didn’t seem to think it was enough because he started calling me “a stuck up white bitch”.
If he could misread that situation so badly, it’s easy to imagine someone else with a more violent nature misreading my actions also.

It depends. Is the guy standing right next to you in a bar trying to say hello? Or, is he on the street and you are walking by?

Generally, I think it is better to politely decline. No need to be rude if the guy is just taking a shot at getting to know you. If he is catcalling and harassing that’s something else, but even then I usually try to say hello, or look them in the face and smile, when I know they are looking and disarm the situation first if I can. If they are scary, watching me, following me down a street, I pick up my pace and duck into a store.

When I was in college and guys would ask me to dance I often would turn them down with a, “no thank you,” and my friends would often say I was so mean. WTH? Basically, if I didn’t accept the offer I was a bitch. Really?

I haven’t seen a woman in 10 years that would be worth the risk of giving them unwanted attention. Most women aren’t worth the trouble.

Generally, politely decline. If they persist, dial 911.

There is no win in that situation, @cheebdragon. If you ignore them, you’re a stuck up bitch, and if you acknowledge it, you must want it a little. The kind of guy who is going to go off on you for ignoring a rude catcall is going to blame you for the inevitable negative outcome.

I tend to politely decline if it is a polite approach, unless I am already feeling cornered. But every situation is different.

I just drop my pants and show them my ass. They usually go running.

To politely decline would be the better, more civilized response. Hopefully, the other party is civilized enough to accept the modest rejection and move on/away.

How many themes of this question, always asked by women, have come up lately? I feel sorry for us women, even though we ARE always “asking for it.”

I always politely declined, but that wasn’t always a guarantee. I politely declined one guy’s attentions at an outdoor party once. A couple minutes later, when I was sitting with a group of people, he threw a full, open can of beer can at me. It lodged in the cushions of my chair next to my right hip. I was shocked. And scared. There were two guys on my right. They got up, the guy ran, they ran after him. Don’t know what happened next.

Then I left the party, even though I didn’t want to.

Hmm. I usually say hi if someone says it to me, just to be polite. I’ve kind of mastered the “stay the fuck away from me” aura, or whatever you call it. It’s the one thing I got from my dad that’s useful. The stare down works so well.

It’s like what they teach you in self defense classes. Be confident in your manner and pay no attention to your gawker.

If you still live where you used to, you probably get a lot of Latino men whistling and what not. Ignore it. It’s all bravado or machismo, if you prefer.

I use the “go away or I will fuck you up for good” method, it works just fine.

That doesn’t work for women @ucme.

I’m not a woman @Dutchess_III

About 2 months ago I was in the parking garage of a casino walking towards the elevators to enter the casino, and an SUV pulled up next to me and the driver tried to start a conversation. It creeped me out because there weren’t any other people around and the guy wasn’t making any sense at all, all I remember of the conversation was that he claimed to be friends with Selma hyak (like I give a fuck?), and then he parks his car and gets out while I’m trying to walk away. He caught up to me and started asking me questions, something about Rolex watches, was i meeting anyone in the casino, was I affiliated with any law enforcement (several times), who was waiting for me to get home, how far away from the casino is my house, how many people did I live with….. I got the feeling that he was trying to figure out how long it would take for someone to notice I was missing. I kept giving him bullshit answers but as soon as we got into the casino I excused myself and took off in a jog to get the fuck away from him. I hid in the casino for awhile but when I tried to leave I could see him lurking around the entrance we came in through so I found a security officer or the casino and explained the situation to him. We had to exit the casino from another exit and use James bond style stealth to get around to the back stairs of the parking structure, run through the garage to my car (which was parked near the weirdos car). Security wrote down the guys license plate # just incase. The whole thing was funny in the end but at the time I was really freaked out by it.
This was the reason my bf was saying I should just ignore people who try to talk to me. Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to explain reason for the question.

Oh, scary @cheebdragon.

You’d be surprised how yelling “get the fuck away from me” works.

@cheebdragon, the situation you described is exceedingly threatening and since you made it to the casino and were able to get away from him, you handled it perfectly. Had you ignored him completely he might have become irritated and behaved differently. I think the primary goal of anyone (male or female) in a threatening situation should be to get to safety (whatever that means). It might mean getting the person to leave us alone, it might mean getting to a safe place. It sounds like you did exactly the right thing. Frankly, I’d have expected the security guard to call the police.

Well, it seems pretty clear the women here have all had some sort of scary situation. I don’t understand why other Q’s about woman having some fear of men have been so combative. Isn’t it obvious why.

^ Because in those questions, it was often stated that all women must have had similar experiences. Women being afraid of men was considered normal by some, and even natural.

@longgone It’s probably pretty close to all. As I recall you had at least one you could mention.

^ I have felt threatened by both men and women. I still am not afraid of men, simply because they are men…

I wish no one ever felt threatened by me unless they deserved it, but I know some people are. :(

Just give us a moment to get to know you @Adirondackwannabe, and it will all be cool. We just have our defenses up 24/7 no matter who it is, especially when we don’t know them.
I was semi-attacked by my boy friend’s room mate once. I was over at his trailer, my BF was at work, and his room mate went after me. Fortunately he stopped when I told him to. He always did give me the creeps anyway.

Depends entirely on the individual in question and the situation.

The situation, @SecondHandStoke, is a guy is hitting on her and she’s not interested, and she’s trying to decide which is the best way to rebuff his advances.

^Still depends on the situation:

Place, manner of the individual in question and the nature of the “advance’s” delivery.

I know. You’re attempting to force us to assume all such confrontations must be of the worst kind imaginable.

Not going to work.

^^ “We just have our defenses up 24/7 no matter who it is, especially when we don’t know them.”

Some of us.

“Us.”

It’s all gotta be an us vs. them thing no matter what it is. It’s a wonder any two people ever got together and propagated the species…

(Sigh)

Don’t just sit there at your keyboard. Assume the worst about everyone that isn’t “us.”

Damn! @tinyfaery

Here is a stack of univitations to my parties.

Oh, and also, explain to us how your staredown tactic and the like isn’t itself “bravado and machismo.”

Are you male or female, Stoke?

^That you believe my gender is relevant is proof you’ll never understand.

Gender is very relevant in this case.

Sorry no.

Women that refuse to fall for the adversarial mentality have even greater credibility.

@longgone Me either. I’m not afraid if all men. What I said was every woman has had bad interactions with men. Usually more than one.

I wasn’t brainwashed into it @SecondHandStoke. From the time I was 12 years old I was hit on by strangers. Sometimes it got dangerous.

You are expecting the rest of us to jump to the conclusion that just because these things happened it’s proof that all men are public enemy number one.

You said something about brainwashing?

Just imagine the shitstorm if the genders were reversed in this thread of hate.

Try all you like.

You simply cannot exploit the Internet and it’s feeble minded to tell me who I am.

Not all men are public enemy #1. We just have to proceed with caution until we find out what they’re really like. If you’ve ever been grouped in a crowded bar by a stranger you might understand. It you’ve ever been raped, which of course you haven’t, you might have a glimmer of what it can be like for women for no reason other than they are female.

I ignore most cat calls. I’m a Latina and Latino men are almost required to whistle at women. I only say stay away from me when unknown men begin to approach me.

So it would never occur to you that my manner, mode of speech, posture, grooming and dress (hell, even my gait) were a genuine reflection of how I am.

Sad.

And holy shit, the generalizations just keep flooding in:

So you know that I have never been raped. WTF? Do you have any clue how deeply hurt I could have been made by that thoughtless statement??

But wait, dogwhistle language is only used by evil Republicans that want to encourage others to make assumptions about and oppress groups other than males and whites, right?

No.

Here it is being used to slam a “group” known as men. Fluther would smoke and melt off it’s servers if this sort of attitude and language was used against any other so called group.

The hate. Release it. Let it go.

For the sake of everyone here, and yours.

Can we get some sort of lid on these sort of threads before they become all that Fluther consists of?

Of course that would tell me something about you, but I certainly would put all my trust in you just because you dressed neatly! Ted Bundy dressed neatly, and he was very charming.

All I’m saying is that women have to proceed with caution when we are around men we don’t know. Why is that so hard for you to understand? Every woman here is saying the same thing.

@tinyfaery: “I only say stay away from me when unknown men begin to approach me.”

Go back and read the frightening situations women can find themselves is.

At least two female Jellies have been raped.

And you tell us it’s ridiculous to be wary.

I never said to not be wary. But that is not what you and the Fairy are saying (refer to my last comment regarding dogwhistle language).

“At least two female Jellies have been raped.” I mean just fuck everyone else. Literally.

“Dressed neatly” Oh just LOL Hun’.

You wouldn’t know a quality man if he fell out of… sorry, approached you.

I married one.

Well then patience, a metered tongue and an independent sense of self worth are among his virtues.

Patience, not so much!

Perhaps. But this is bordering on off topic.

I don’t want to see this thread get moderated to ribbons.

It won’t. It’s in Social.

I just don’t see how you can argue with us all when you have NO clue what it’s like to BE a woman. It would be like me arguing about what it’s like to be a black person.

@tinyfaery That makes me think if Rosie Perez saying she doesn’t mind if a guy says, “oh momi you look good,” or something like that. That she likes the little big of attention. Then put it together with some of the uproar about the video of the woman getting catcalled throughout the day that the video was racist because it showed mostly minority men.

Are you saying maybe Latin American men and other minorities minorities are probably more likely?

@Dutchess_III

I have multiple clues what it’s like to be something far more important:

I know what it’s like to be a human.

An individual.

A person.

All I can say is I grew up in a barrio, I live where there are many Latino immigrants, and the men cat call so much, more than other ethnicities. Black men love my big butt, so I used to get some attention for that.

I’ve never been thin and I’m not tall. I don’t think I appeal to many white men in L.A. Also, I’ve never been harassed by Asians of any descent.

Just my experience.

What is it that I need to see on another thread?

@tinyfaery I don’t remember if we discussed the racism angle on a Q. I can search it. People talked about it in the media.

I was thinking that since @longgone is in Germany there is probably less incidence of catcalling and even harassment from men. The German men I know (German German, not German-American) are quite controlled and I can’t imagine them calling out after a woman it touching a woman without permission.

Edit: Here is the Q http://i.fluther.com/176523/do-you-call-it-harrassment-or-do-you-call-it-a/#quip3037776

@SecondHandStoke but you have no idea what it’s like to be a human female. It’s a completely different experience than being male. Just like the fact that I’m a white female human doesn’t mean I “understand” what it’s like to be a black male human.

I get it @Dutchess_III

You have made the mistake of building your entire identity on being what you call a “human female.”

You have decided for yourself (and the rest of us) that only your particular profile is vulnerable to abuse and exploitation.

Long ago, at Luna in Atlanta a particular person thought they were being smooth by coming up to me, looking me not enough in the eyes, clutching my beer and drinking deep from it right in front of me. This did not work, I was not impressed. He did not read my lack of approval in my eyes.

Later at a Florida club a woman clumsily approached me at the bar. She placed her hand on my shoulder, and with her other hand cups my junk.

I pull her hand away gently, and then while fake laughing say “no darling, let’s back up Hon’.” Needless to say I had no interest of any kind with her.

The delicate and nuanced dance that makes getting to know people: some individuals know how to play and some to do not. These people did not. You don’t seem to know either while operating from the other side.

I do know how. I understand that one can get away with practically anything if the situation and your appearance and manner are right:

While leaving a smoke shop in California I light up and then see an elegant older woman exiting her generic Nissan luxboat. With a perfect balance of sober appreciation and casualness I say “hey Sexy.” She responds by stopping and for some strange reason asking me if a line along the sections in her car’s taillight is a crack.

I bend down to examine and explain that the line was created during the light’s casting. Nothing is wrong with it.

Understanding that the best salespeople educate the customer she informs me I have a handsome voice then says “thank you for the lesson” and confidently moves on.

Brusque, clumsy and unsophisticated persons come in all sexes. Your aggressive attempt to push that only the male of the species is guilty of this simply will not work on me.

You have decided that you are a woman first, a human being second.

Your loss and ours.

@Dutchess_III I’m agreeing with @SecondHandStoke. I’m female. Do I have no clue what it’s like to be a woman either?

@JLeslie Less harassment than where? I’d think the US is hugely divided in these matters, but I could be wrong. In any case, that would prove my point.

@SecondHandStoke how many times did you feel like you possibly couldn’t stop a woman from harassing you or harming you in some way? Men have the advantage if usually being taller and stronger than women. Unless that girl has a gun, I would guess you feel you can get her off of you, run from her (you’re never the one in high heals and you have a longer stride) or even kill her if you needed to.

Do you worry about pissing her off when she feels you up in a drunken state?

@longgone Germany is probably more mixed now than in years past, because I know your country has been rather open to taking in immigrants from Turkey I think and I’m sure some other countries. I would guess Germany is still not anything like the ethnic and cultural and racial mix of the US. I am pretty sure black and Hispanic combined is around 25% of the US and climbing and if we look at all minorities the number is over 30%.

Dade county, which is the county that contains the city if Miami, is right around 70% Hispanic. The population is the county is probably near 3 million now, I’d have to check it. A county in Florida is quite large (I don’t expect you to know something like that in respect to the US, Dade county is over 2,000 sq. miles, which I just put into a converter that says it is 5180 sq kilometers). I know those stat off the top of my head. I’m sure parts of California, Texas, Arizona and New Mexico also have some huge numbers also.

However, it isn’t like Hispanics and blacks are all packed into small ghettos. They are throughout our country also, obviously; so, if culturally blacks and Hispanics are more likely to catcall or come on to a woman in an aggressive way, I have more chances of encountering that sort of behavior than you.

My guess is Germany is still very German, while America is probably 40% German at this point (I’m pretty sure German descent is still the largest number for white people in America) and the vast majority of those Germans here have been in America for generations and probably American German men are even more likely than German German men, because after two generations we get Americanized. In the US most people are not 100% something so even German-Americans are likely to have other parts of the world mixed in.

I don’t think of Germany as a significantly macho culture like what is more likely to be observed in Latin America and even the Middle East. Although, my experience with Russians is the men can be quite macho, which surprises me a little, and Germany has some Russians I would guess from when the wall was up.

^ All minorities combined, the number for Germany seems to be around 20% at the moment.

You mentioned a macho culture. I agree that there are many men who, from a young age, get taught that women are weak/worthless/stupid. I can see fearing those men. I just can’t imagine living in fear of them every time a man approaches me.

I don’t. It’s a combination of things in situations. My husband is Mexican, so obviously I don’t over generalize to all Latin American men nor all men.

Well, much of it would depend on your own personal experiences @longgone. When I was 12 we were on a family outing. We stopped at a gas station / bar for gas (this was the 60’s.) I went in to get a pop from the pop machine. Some guy, old as my dad, started touching me, asking if he could buy me a beer. That was the first time, and I was shocked and scared. That was the first time.

@JLeslie makes the most important point: When you’re faced with some one who is bigger and stronger and more aggressive than you, that puts everything in a different light. Therein lies the biggest problem. You can be almost helpless to do anything about it, and it’s very scary. Walking down the street, a car load of guys pulls over and starts jeering and whistling and you get scared because you don’t know what they might do. If a car load of girls did that to a guy, he’d probably just laugh because he knows he can easily fend off 4 women.

I’ve built my entire identity on what “I” call a human female @SecondHandStoke? Well, duh! Am I supposed to build my identity around being a gay, black male?

Any guy who tries to force you into a situation where you have to talk to them even know you don’t want to is someone that should be ignored and keep moving I would have to say that is not the type of person that you want to meet if they can’t strike up a conversationin in a normal situation then get the fuck away from him. All women should CC a firearm and know how to use it.

Oh brother! There would be so many dead men lying about!

And…