Verbal Abuse?

Yes, you are being abused. He doesn’t sound like a boyfriend to me. If he loved you he wouldn’t “insult, curse, put you down, yell…” like that.

You have lived with him for 2 years? Is his behavior recently or has he been like that for 2 years?

If he agrees to counselling , and you want to try and save the relationship then go that way.
Other than that GET OUT NOW!!

Yes, we have lived together for 2 years in my home. His behavior has gotten worse over time. By the way, we have no kids together. And also, his income does help a great deal towards the household. If we break up, I will loose that extra income boost. I do have a job.. and pulling my own weight. With just my income, it will be nearly impossible to keep my household utilities running..

I think it’s so sad that you’ve been putting up with this for two years. Yes, it is definitely abuse and the only thing worse than being in an abusive relationship for two years is being in an abusive relationship for two years and one day, or two years and two days etc.

You need to make solid plans for getting out but don’t tell him about these plans. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the abused one leaves. You didn’t mention if this has ever crossed over into physical abuse, but just be very careful.

Get out and cease all contact and do not allow him near you.

If he wants to seek counseling because he says he is genuinely sorry then let him do that on his own and don’t let him back into your life until there is concrete evidence of change. True change takes time so we are talking about years not days or weeks.

You could use some counseling regarding your self esteem so that the next relationship you get in is not another abusive one.

Get out of this mess ASAP ! !

This is abusive behaviour and you’ve admitted his abuse is escalating. I agree with @Buttonstc. You need to get out of this relationship but you need to do it safely. Check out women’s support groups in your local area and find out what help there is locally for you. Don’t tell him what you’re doing.

Being better off financially is not sufficient reason to stay in an abusive relationship. You deserve a better life than that. Please stay safe.

There is a absolutely no amount of money that’s worth being put down on a daily basis.

If you need to find a female roommate or temporarily move back in with your family then that’s what you need to do.

Putting up with bring treated this way by him is soul destroying. And you know that you definitely don’t want to have children with this man. Do you want to raise them in an abusive atmosphere like this? Get out now.

You deserve to be with someone who truly loves you and treats you with dignity and respect. Control is not love. Don’t allow this guy to destroy your life.

Get out before you accidentally get pregnant. The worst thing you could do is pull an innocent life into this. If you can’t do it for yourself, for the present, do it for the future and your possible unborn children.

Run, this is a toxic relationship and in about five years from now you will be a nervous wreck trying to pick up your pieces. Let him handle his own shit and save your skin. He will mess up your confidence so much that it will affect your life! Run if you know what is good for you.

You know the answer. You just need confirmation from other people.

LEAVE NOW.

To me, this question needs not even be asked, as the answer is so clear.

I also wonder why you put up with this for so long. I wonder if you have low self esteem.

Run, don’t out the door and don’t look back. Enlist the help of friends or relatives to help you.

Get out before this turns into physical abuse. Enlist a friend or family to stick with that plan, now!

Listen to us.

And don’t give him a clue or he may get you pregnant on purpose…..

You really need to get out of the relationship because the verbal abuse will more than likely escalate into physical abuse. Women who put up with verbal and then physical abuse often stay in the relationship because of their own low self esteem issues. Start thinking more highly of yourself and get out. Go to friends, family, find some support groups, get out before it is too late, get out for your own physical and emotional safety.

Oh @NewStorey…. It breaks my heart that you have to ask.

It is so obvious. Yes!
Plan on getting out now! Say nothing. Give no warning. Have friends at the ready and get the hell out !
DO NOT GO BACK. NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS. HE WILL PROMISE TO CHANGE. HE WON’T.
You deserve better.

@NewStorey: When you say he lives in your home, is it a house that you own or an apartment that you rent?

Thank you all very much for your help/encouragement thus far. I have never received so many people supporting me. It’s heartwarming!
The home we live in belongs to me. It’s a house I’m buying. I bought this house before he came into my life.. so his name is no where on the contracts. Since he lives with me, it seems a little harder for me to just leave.. He would have to leave.
I’m thinking the reason why I have put up in this situation so long is because, he kept crying/apologizing for his actions. And I loved him. My love for him has faded a lot.. mainly because of his treatment towards me. Now the one thing that keeps me with him is financially. No, I’m not a greedy person. It’s just that without this extra income, I will loose my electricity, running water, possible my home or car.. not sure which one is worth more keeping. I would think my car would be worth more keeping since its getting me back and forth to work. No, I don’t have friends to rely on. My relatives offer words of help, with little action. So, I’m pretty much on my own.

Get rid of the guy and find a roommate.

^ Yep. You might even end up finding a friend that way.

I would rather battle financially a bit than have someone like that in my life. You can find a way to handle finances but you won’t be able to handle what he will do to you! Listen to everyone and save your dignity. Some of us speak out of experience. Sorry to sound rude but WAKE UP! All the best to you sweetie.

Yes, it is verbal abuse, but whether or not he is verbally abusive should not be the dealbreaker here. You say that he tells you to shut up on a regular basis? There’s your dealbreaker.

This man does not respect you. You should have left the moment that this was clear to you, and it should be the reason that you break up with him now.

You deserve better than that. Everyone does. Take @janbb‘s advice to find some help with the house payments. Good luck, and let us know how it all goes.

I don’t think you need us to tell you what you already know in your heart, as well as how this person makes you feel. People like this don’t change, or, if they do it might not be for decades. You have already wasted 2 years in this abusive relationship, do you want to waste 2 more, 4 more, 20 more? Be prepared for this persons abuse to escalate when you either kick them out or leave.

Ideally the best case scenario is for you to leave, and have friends or family with you, ( witnesses ) during the process of having him go. Most abusers are cowards and odds are he won’t have the guts to mistreat you with others on standby. Maybe. never the less it is imperative you get out asap.

The most dangerous time for a women is when leaving an abusive relationship, most abusers are also control freaks and losing control, of you as well as their lives is a huge trigger for increased violence. Really, if there is anyway for you to leave on the stealth and set up housekeeping somewhere else, where he doesn’t know where you are, this would be the best case scenario. You don;t want to worry about him showing up randomly to harass you or get some sort of revenge. Take this situation VERY SERIOUSLY because it is!

Best wishes, you can do it!

OK I understand you have a financial tie to him. He is paying some (most?) of the bills.
Right now, start writing down how much he has been paying per month. Figure it out or estimate. How much of a shortfall would you have per month without him?
Will renting space in your home cover it?
Are you working? If not, START LOOKING! Can you get a second job?
Time is flying by. You are getting older and are wasting precious years with a classic abuser. Get moving! Find a roommate or a job. Look at Craigslist.
And get rid of all the alcohol in the house if there is any!
————————
Now I’ll give you some tough talk.
Set a threshold today for an action you will absolutely not tolerate. Slapping you? Punching you in the face? Yelling at you until you cower in the corner like a beaten dog? Threatening so that you live every day in fear?
Then promise yourself you will throw him out when (not if) he crosses it.
I hope you are not sitting home, doing nothing, expecting him to bring in his paycheck to cover the ” electricity, running water, possible my home or car.”. If you are then you have placed yourself in this vulnerable position. Now it is time to get yourself out of it! Give yourself a few days – no more than a week – to research and set up your options. Get a new email address, get a post office box, open a bank account. Be ready to spring into action when he crosses the line. Have it all in place so the actions are quick. The day he touches you, call 911 immediately and have him arrested. DONE! Do not let him apologize his way out of it. Don’t tell him you are going to call. JUST DO IT!

That will be the first day of the rest of your life!

Classic weakling, the next thing he hits won’t be a steering wheel or a door, bin the fucker immediately.

@LuckyGuy “Be ready to spring into action when he crosses the line.”

You are missing it. He has already crossed the line. He is way, way over the line, and has been for a long time.

Implying that she should stay with him until he hits her is unhelpful – it basically supports her current strategy. This is not only physically dangerous to her, it does nothing to help her to make future choices about partners. “Hasn’t hit me yet” is not an item for the plus column.

If you didn’t buy the house yet, don’t buy it if you can’t afford it on your own.

I didn’t read the previous 9 responses so excuse me if this has been said before. I am at work and rushing.

OK I just read the last 9 responses.

If you didn’t buy the house yet, back out of the deal. Rent an apartment for a year if you have to, take a roommate if you need help with the bills. This way, he will be out of familiar territory and not welcome to come around.

Start looking asap.

Right now, you’re living where? You’re buying a house but living where?

@jca I think she is in the house that she bought. See her response above.

@dappled_leaves You missed my point. I too think he has crossed the line already. (Note the lines I suggested. She has to draw her own so she clearly recognizes it)
I want her to have her act together – one week max – so she is in a position of power not weakness. She should not go back to him. If she is prepared, she won’t have to.

If she is worried about losing “electricity, running water, possible my home or car” she needs to get that settled right now! Otherwise she will be willing to go back to a terrible situation.

@janbb: She said they live in a home but “it’s a house I’m buying.” That tells me that maybe she is doing rent-to-own or something where the deal is not done yet.

@jca Had the impression that just means she has a mortgage but I could be wrong.

@janbb @jca I could not tell either. Mortgage or rent-to-own it is clear she has a cash shortfall. She needs to address that. I like the roommate idea if it brings in enough cash.
She needs to do the math.

If I were her I would scrap the idea of buying that house, if it’s a house she lives in with him. He may have a feeling of “that’s my house as well as hers,” especially if he’s been helping with the bills. He’s familiar with the entrances, the locks etc. It may be easier for her to move out of that house and someplace new, where he does not know, or cannot access.

Is there a group local to you that helps abused women. If you don’t know, just do an online search with your zip code to get the phone number. If you only knew how his behavior is so classically typical of an abuser’s pattern. The profuse aplogies and declarations of love alternating with the control and verbal abuse. Every abuser does the exact same thing…absolutely classic.

Whether he has ever physically abused you or not is not the issue. You are in an abusive relationship, period. You are definitely eligible for their help and it would be so wonderful for you if you had someone there to help guide you through all the decisions you’ll need to be making soon in addition to whatever we can do online.

Perhaps it would be best to be rid of the house and begin anew a few years later after your finances stabilize a bit.

But if not, roommates are easy to find from craigslist.com. Just be sure to require references and CHECK THEM OUT.

But whatever you decide, it’s imperative (for your own safety) that you give him no inkling beforehand. Develop a firm plan of action and then just do it.

If worst comes to worst, it’s good you had the smarts to have only your name on all the house paperwork. This will enable you to evict him if needs be. Just make certain that you are in a place of safety and inaccesible to him when you do.

No amount of property (house, car, whatever) is worth your safety and peace of mind. You may have to do some financial belt-tightening for a while but the relief from this constant negativity will be more than worth it. And you will survive and be stronger and more self-sufficient for it. To realize that you can make it on your own without his paycheck (and the soul-destroying price it exacts from you) will be liberating beyond belief. It may be a little rough for awhile but YOU CAN DO IT.

As @LuckyGuy pointed out, you need to make a firm deadline for yourself and stick to it (hopefully some women from the local abuse prevention group can help you out there) and whatever else you do, make certain to get yourself on a birth control method with a 99% success rate NOW. That’s the last complication that this situation needs.

I wish you the best.

As he is living in your house, you may have difficulty getting him out. As I said way up there, contact women’s support groups in your local area and get some advice about what steps you can take to safely remove him. I would suggest you pack his things for him when he isn’t there, make sure someone is there to support you and tell him to leave. Don’t let him drag this out because that puts you in danger of further abuse and of physical abuse.

Speak to the women’s support group about what legal options are available to you. You might need to take out a restraining order if he becomes threatening. You may need to get the police to help you remove him. I’m hoping he just takes his stuff and goes, but given his behaviour so far, that might not happen so make sure you know what you can do and where you can get help to get him out and keep him out and away from you. Being informed about the options available to you is an important part of you staying safe.

Thank you all for the words of wisdom. Clarification: I am paying a mortgage on my home. I could go with the roommate route.. but my home is a one bedroom. It’s a fairly large bedroom though.
I will make a time frame plan and prepare the best route for me to take. I just was confused as to if it were signs of a verbal abusive relationship or clash of personalities. I’m a little inexperienced in relationships. I’ve dated a little.. but this is only my 2nd relationship… and I’m in my thirties. I needed a little self confidence boost to take the next step.

Please keep us updated. It seems that he is a dangeroud man and things will go wrong if he know you are preparing to stand up to him. Good luck.

I haven’t read the responses above but wanted to suggest strongly that you read again and again your question, the answer is staring you in the face. You’re selling yourself short, very short, life has so many good things to offer, your boyfriend is not among them by any stretch of the imagination.

It does sound like he is the one that has to go,you can get the sheriff to evict him, might also be wise to get a restraining order on him as well,something like he can’t come within 50 feet of you.

Even if you have to invest in a comfy pull-out couch for yourself and rent out the bedroom until finances improve, it will be well worth it. Just be sure to check references.

When people merely have a clash of personalities, it usually means different opinions on various issues or clashing styles. When it goes over into demeaning and controlling, that is clearly over the line.

The first time he told you to shut up or insulted or demeaned you, that’s when it started. And as others have noted, abusive relationships usually start with verbal abuse before devolving into physical abuse as well. They’re testing and pushing the boundaries and will keep going until stopped.

But once they lose that control over you is when it can potentially turn physically dangerous. Do everything you can to anticipate this and protect yourself.

Find some women who’ve been through this because their guidance and support is tremendously valuable.

@SQUEEKY2: Where I live, in order to get a restraining order (aka Order of Protection), there has to be a crime committed. I’m not saying the OP’s boyfriend hasn’t committed a crime, but she would have to be willing to go through the legal process of accusing him of the crime (if he committed one), having him arrested, and the Judge would issue the OoP. If he has not committed a crime or the OP is not willing to go through those steps, she cannot just get the OoP taken out against him.

He sounds like a 2yr. old. You should buy him a diaper right before you walk out!