How to cope with a controlling relationship?

You’re a mental health worker and you don’t recognize the signs of a potential abuser? It doesn’t have to be a man abusing a woman. It goes both ways.

it sounds like you are in different places in your lives and needs. You probably will break up with her sooner or later; it’s pretty awful that you had a child with her that ties you to her in some ways.

You’d better leave. The fact that she “constantly pressuring you into having sex” and “pressures me into moving in with her” doesn’t sound like what a true lover would do. True lovers don’t pressure each other. And she is your girlfriend and she doesn’t trust you? What kind of love is that?

Leave. If one is merely “coping” there is no relationship. Unless you are giving her good reason to doubt you, have cheated are a boozer, druggie or otherwise compromised her trust, it’s her insecurities and jealousies and not about you. I parrot @Adirondackwannabe , the red flags are waving wide and high, do you not see them?

Leave! You can blame it on me if you’d like if it helps get the heat off.

You just described the reasons I got divorced this year… Seriously… GET OUT!!!!!!!

When one partner controls another partner, that is not a good relationship. A good relationship involves mutual togetherness, not one controlling the other. A good relationship is when both partners are equal, a unit, not separate.

Time to get a train ticket to somewhere far away.

Yep, I divorced a control freak too…stayed waaay too long, heed the sage advice of those that have been there. Next thing you know 20 years goes by thinking things will get better.

I know a few guys that are in your position, and now they have kids with more than one woman. Their lives are over, essentially. They are slaves to providing support instead of having options in their own lives. You’re already in the hole, don’t go deeper.

What kind of mental health worker are you and what is mental health first aid, a term I am not familiar with?

Get out! Just do the best you can for your innocent child. Run away from this toxic situation. I say this with all due respect, work on your self-esteem issues because in most cases that is one reason people fall prey to control freaks. All the best and do not waste more time, run fast!

Assert yourself…simples

I agree with everyone else. This is not a healthy relationship. Read what you wrote to us as if someone else wrote it to you and think about what you would tell them to do.

Try getting away for a weekend without her. That way once on your own you can view things a bit better without the emotional drain that either she or you are placing on yourself.
Perhaps the child would be better with you?
Don’t discount that possibility.
Good luck in finding yourself.
Its a long process.

She’s constantly pressuring me into having sex which has led into one child already that im not ready for…]
Which is a very good illustration to think hard if one is planning on dipping their wick in a pot with no ring on it, or pipe not capped off (snip snip).

I say you both need couples counseling…..start with that. Really? At twenty she has to prompt you to have sex?

I don’t think that having sex is the problem, rather the trap of committment and having more children at age 20 is.
He definately needs counselling to find where he stands and to learn assertiveness.
From what I gather from other comments…he needs to get out now.

If you’re a mental health worker, find yourself a good course in self esteem and enroll.

In the absence of that, listen to your therapist or find another one whose advice you respect enough to follow it.

Are you in love with her or in lust with her? Is love even possible with someone who doesn’t trust you? How attractive she is is not the issue. Manipulating and controlling others is a serious character flaw, especially when taken to extremes. And IMHO bringing an innocent life into this world by pressuring you when you’re not ready is quite extreme. How much more selfish can one be?

Unless you’re a masochist, get out now because it will only go downhill from here. Control and manipulation are the classic traits of an abuser and abuser’s don’t all of a sudden change their ways. They just keep on getting more and more controlling and manipulative.

At least you still have enough sense left to recognize what’s going on. Now that you recognize it, get out before it’s too late.

There are plenty more women out there who will appreciate love and will be wanting a mutual relationship built upon trust and love without manipulation.

Thank u all for your kind words expecially this last one.it really has given me alot to think about.if i leave though should i take enrique with me?

If I am right in assuming that Enrique is your little son, how could a group of strangers on the internet possibly answer that? Why not discuss this with your therapist?

Since you haven’t specified whether Enrique is your son or your goldfish, it’s difficult to answer that.

However, assuming he’s your son, you would need to get legal custody of him in addition to anything else.

If you just take him with you, presumably your gf will have a thing of two to say about that.

Are you named as the Father on the birth certificate? If not that will present an additional legal hurdle (but not an impossible one to surmount).

However, before you do anything or make any irrevocable decisions, you should have a thorough consultation with an attorney experienced in custody issues.

None of us here are lawyers and this is a highly specialized area with laws specific to each state. You should schedule this ASAP; you need as much specific info regarding the issues of child custody as possible.

If Enrique is the family pet, just tale him with you.

I think Enrique might be a child not a pet? Who is Enrique?

Enrique is my son,n the child i mentioned in the question.

How old is he? Who is or are the legal guardians?

he will be 4 years old new years day.me and my fiance.

That means you were 15–16 when he was conceived? PLease do not make the same mistake twice,

So that means that she was 20 yrs. old and you were only 16 when he was conceived. No wonder she manipulated you.

Didn’t your parents have anything to say about the age disparity between the two of you?

Anyhow, that’s the past. You really do need legal advice regarding custody issues around your son. Please do this sooner than later. I can’t stress that strongly enough.

Yes I was 16. My dad did not like the fact that we were having sex being that i was a minor and she was over 18 at the time.

@pittfan20 If you’re in the US, that makes her a pedophile. That fact might be of interest to authorities, because whether your marriage fails or not, she might do it again to someone else.

@snowberry Not disagreeing with you but I didn’t pick up that they are married.

@janbb: You are correct.

OP has said;

I have A 24 year old girlfriend…i have been the model boyfriend… me and my fiance

If you’re in the US, that makes her a pedophile.
Ah…..the fornication hypocrisy again raises its ugly head. I guess for her to be a true pedophile she had to been after young men before him and certainly had more behind his back, because she truly would not be able to limit herself toi just one, any sweaty pair of socks would get her motor running. Given that fact he can’t really love her because it isn’t about love on his part as it is she bamboozling him. He is some poor hapless victim incapable of love. She should figure he has grown too old and dumped him by now for another younger model, being the slimy pedophile she is.

@Hypo

Did you skip reading the original details?

His problem is not with her age but with her extremely controlling behavior and lack of trust in him.

However, given not just the age difference but “stage of life ” difference between them that dynamic is hardly surprising. No wonder she is controlling and manipulative. It’s more like a Mother/child dynamic than two peers. He was 16 yrs. old and still a schoolboy.

Just because a 16 yr. old has the physical ability to have sex and create a baby, doesn’t mean there is the correspondent maturity to be an effective parent.

And he even recognized that. But did she respect that? Obviously not. Does that demonstrate responsible (or remotely trustworthy) behavior on her part? No, it doesn’t and the innocent child ends up paying the price.

I’m not so focused upon the whole pedophilia aspect of this since that’s clearly the past and can’t be undone.

I’m focused upon her character (or rather lack of it) and the damaging effects of the current relationship. Hence my advice to him. He’s out of the teenage lust fog now and beginning to see things clearly and wants better for his life. Obviously she does not respect him now and didn’t in the past (or she wouid have made certain not to force him into parenthood at 16).

Surely the responsible side of your nature can’t fail to see that. As far as I’m concerned, arguing back and forth about the pedophile aspect just distracts from the real problem at hand which he has expressed clearly.

Do you think you can please descend from your soapbox long enough to focus on the REAL issue here. We all know how you feel about the whole age issue, Lord knows you’ve expounded enough upon it so many times.

But that’s not the issue here. Arguing your age theories only serves to deflect attention from the issue at hand. Namely, that an extremely controlling relationship is abusive and he needs to free himself from it.

just to be clear we are not married yet.but that is another thing she is trying to force me into early and like i said before i just dont know if im ready.i think the answer is clear here.i need to take enrique and get the hell out of dodge ASAP.the only hard thing with that would be having to leave all of my consumers at work behind and start fresh.

You are clearly not ready for marriage and are you sure you are ready for a prolonged legal battle if you try to take your son. You may need to think that over and talk with your parents or a lawyer. I would get out first and maybe sue for visitation rights if that is what you want.

thats not a bad idea.

At the risk of too much repetition, let me stress again: you need competent legal advice ASAP before you do anything irrevocable which might jeopardize your legal standing regarding custody of your son.

Please look into whatever legal advice options are available to you. I used to live in Pa. (Philly) and I know that there are several options available for people in your situation. Don’t let lack of finances deter you from sound legal advice. You really need it.

@Buttonstc His problem is not with her age but with her extremely controlling behavior and lack of trust in him.
I do not have a problem with his age, or hers, just pointing out that some people seem to.

Just because a 16 yr. old has the physical ability to have sex and create a baby, doesn’t mean there is the correspondent maturity to be an effective parent.
There is no age limit top or bottom on good parenting. I have seen teen moms that were better mothers than women in their 30s.

I’m not so focused upon the whole pedophilia aspect of this since that’s clearly the past and can’t be undone.
Here in ”Yankee Town” it seem to be the nuclear option to let the younger person off the hook, even when they were neck deep in the accepting of the situation. Which to me is hypocrisy because in a purely secular setting sex is sex, there is no difference in it unless one wants to be partial to one over the other, which is hypocrisy.

Obviously she does not respect him now and didn’t in the past (or she wouid have made certain not to force him into parenthood at 16).
Again, age notwithstanding, women of all ages have forced men to be fathers as a byproduct of them thinking with the ”little head” instead of the one between the ears.

Do you think you can please descend from your soapbox long enough to focus on the REAL issue here.
I am focusing on the real issue here; it is a messy relationship because you have two people who produced a child through their lust. They should have made certain 100% that the person they were boinking was who they would die for, and trust until the end. At least one was not thinking that way, if indeed they both wasn’t, they were just thinking about what felt good for them at the time. Now there is a child and a muddled path to custody legally. Any way it goes, he is stuck interacting with the child, and the woman, even if he doesn’t want to be a father, he will be paying for it for the next 18 years. That was a hell of an expensive nut he busted. That is the real issue not the hypocrisy surrounding how the child got here.

Incompatibility is a major cause of divorce. From what you say, you are not compatible with this woman. She is evidently too domineering for anyone who has a free mind. The relationship will only become worse as time passes. Since you have a child, that complicates the situation. You have a responsibility to your child, and it is difficult to fulfill it with such a difficult partner. It is best to leave this woman. Emotions are not reliable, so use reason! It is terrible to love such a woman who is not at all suitable for you.