God I hate the dramas in my life?

And I know that this “gaydar” thing can be stupid and uncertain, but it all turned out to be not that wrong given my experiences before. And, as time goes by, the feeling just gets freakin stronger.

To make it short, should I talk to my father about this?

As a typical “Chinese guy”, I do care about family relationships seriously and don’t want to screw this up, but my grandpa is 80 now and it just keeps bothering me what if one day after my grandpa’s gone and my dad just failed to get to know his father because of me? Isn’t that cruel? But I’m not sure if my grandpa’s ready, either. And he’s got a heart disease. Maybe I should just leave it alone?

First of all, your story was very confusing at first. It took me quiet a long time to finally got the idea (I think): you have an “interest” in your grandpa, is that right?

Don’t talk to your father. It’s incestuous to have a relationship with the members of your family. And I don’t think your father will accept this since incest is something much harder to accept than homosexuality. Even if you aren’t gay and have an interest in your grandma that is still incestuous.

That “gaydar” thing will pass. It can be OK if your gaydar is placed on someone else and not your family member.

@Mimishu1995 I don’t think he is fooling around with his grandma. I don’t see where it says that.

@jca Sorry, I used the wrong tense. I didn’t mean to say he fooled around with his grandma. I just said that the relationship is incestuous whether he has an interest in his grandma or grandpa.

So edit: Even if you weren’t gay and had an interest in your grandma that would still be incestuous.

@Mimishu1995: I don’t see that either. Where does it say he is interested in the grandmother?

@jca What I mean is that the relationship with his grandpa is incestuous. It isn’t wrong because it’s the man-to-man interest, but because it’s an incestuous relationship. So suppose he wasn’t gay, and he had an equivalent interest to the one he is describing (that is, having an interest in his grandma instead if grandpa), it would still be wrong.

I didn’t say he is interested in his grandma, it’s just an idea to support my point.

Or maybe I has explained it wrong here…

@Mimishu1995: Incestuous means sex between relatives.

@Mimishu1995 I think your take on this is incorrect. My read on the situation is that the OP has recognized that his grandfather is probably oriented the same way he is. There’s no romantic interest, just a recognition of who is there.

My own advice would be for the OP to have a totally private discussion with his grandfather, and to come out to him first. That way the grandfather isn’t on the receiving end of a pointed – and loaded! – question, but has the advantage of knowing about his grandson first.

For the sake of family dynamics my own suggestion would be – even if the grandfather “confesses” or acknowledges his orientation (which is still an uncertain thing, after all) – that they keep everything to themselves. There is no way of knowing that the OP’s father would be accepting of both gay father and gay son; despite his acceptance of his son, knowing that his father was also gay (which makes his mother and his whole family just “beards” of his father) might humiliate him in ways that we can’t understand.

Keep it private; let it lie. (I’m not even certain that I would counsel the conversation with the grandfather. If he has lived his life this long in this way, he may not want to acknowledge any other “truth” at this stage of his life.) In addition, if he is gay, then presumably he also has gaydar, right? But he hasn’t said anything to his grandson to acknowledge the grandson’s orientation or to give him any advice?

…what?! I must be tired (or stupid), because none of this made sense to me.

I just finished dinner with one of my best friends and he suggested me not saying anything..
Damn sorry for my bad english, but I have no interest on my grandpa or grandma..…omg
@CWOTUS is right..I’m 90% sure that my grandpa is gay, and I’m just not sure what to do, that’s all. And thanks for your advice…
But actually, if I’m being honest here, I wasn’t expect him to say anything at all…I mean, even in these days 90% of Chinese LGBT people end up married with a person who has no idea his/her wife/husband is gay at all..Miserable. Not to mention a gay at my grandpa’s age. Gays could be put into prison then.

I’m not sure why you would say anything. It’s not your place to do so.

And who says you’re right? 90% sure? Based on what? A “feeling”? “Gaydar”? No. Unless he’s told you he’s attracted to men or you’ve witnessed him being intimate with a man, there’s absolutely no reason for you to assume anything. I’d love to hear the reasons you think he’s gay.

Even if he were gay, it’s none of your business. He’s an adult, and he gets to choose how he lives, just like you get to choose how you live. Whether it be in the closet or out, it’s the individual’s decision to make.

I see this (and the OP’s many other similar questions) as more of a therapeutic diary or journal. It is hard for me as reader to understand everything, but I sense that the writing affords @wsxwh111 some brief relief, including the anxiety over the grandmother’s worsening Alzheimer’s.

@livelaughlove21 Thank you. I’ve made the decision not to do anything about it.

I’ve seen some pretty extreme misunderstandings on here before, its in the nature of Q&A patrons to be dumb, but the “hots for gramps” one has to be the most fucking hilarious.
@wsxwh111 Having worked & cared for Alzheimers sufferers, I have empathy with you concerning your grandma, she could most likely do without any drama too, say nothing.

(Both OP and confused responder are using ESL.)

Yes, before I read down, I thought ‘Give the old man a break, why send him to his grave worried’. Perhaps he loved you because of you, not because of your sexual orientation. Maybe he was accepting, maybe he was not (of gays). Just leave grandpa alone with this!

I think the OP made themselves reasonably clear & did a sterling job of explaining, all things considered.
The “leap” towards incest was as bold as it was dumbfounding.

I’m sure this will be pulled but ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!!!

The OP was clear in my opinion.

I think don’t bother to tell your parents. Although, you might get a chance to bond with your grandpa at one point over it. Let’s say he is gay, and you come out to him, he probably won’t reveal his own inclination towards men, but he might be very understanding if your. I’m thinking he might already have picked up in the fact that you are gay since you were a child.

Many of my friends knew from very early childhood that a child if theirs might be gay, all if them were accepting if gay people so they were more attuned to it than someone who is judgemental. Your grandfather likely has see decent gaydar if he is gay.

A few years ago my sister wondered out loud if my grandfather had been gay, because if some things we were recalling. We were with his niece and her daughter and grandkids. His niece, who was in her 70’s at the time said, “maybe so?” Then we moved onto another subject. So, in that instance it was no big deal to question it, but we can’t know what it will be like in your family and in your culture.

Don’t question his sexual orientation just to make yourself feel better.

I would also leave Grandpa out of it. I doubt that anyone would accept or acknowledge it even if he really is gay. What would it change? If you want to come out to him for reasons of your own, then do so. What do you think you might gain from that?

LOL… why couldn’t Jesus make life simple for us and say something about GAY people in the new testament .

I think you worry too much.. Your life doesn’t seem that bad to me.

I am like you too. I worry about everything.

You should just try to stand back everynow and again and look for the simple positives in life.

You are healthy, you have all your limbs. You can see. You are not in a wheelchair. Just imagine what your life would be like if that was your life.

NO one’s life is perfect. Some people are just better at hiding it than others.

You don’t have to come out to anyone if you don’t want to. Why do you feel like you have to? If they don’t ask don’t tell.

You need to chill.

Try not to get too involved in other people’s drama with each other. Just try to focus on your one to one relationships with them as individuals.

@gailcalled I think you got the point.
English isn’t my first language, and my culture is really different from others in many ways. I got emotional that day and many word choices are inappropriate.
Anyway, it’s already way past my life, and thanks all the people trying to help me here, really:)

And thanks @chinchin31 XD, your word are helpful